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There are people who are incapable of being happy & your mom seems to be one - your dad didn't know how she would be so long after his death - the promise you made was without you being fully informed about what was involved & I think you have done your time & stop ruining your life for her -

Maybe time for mom to go to assisted living before she is the one standing at your graveside - visit her but living with her is past being what is good for you - she won't be happy no matter what you do so maybe do something to make yourself happier

Time for you to join some group in the evenings/weekends - start with a religious or charitable group because then she won't have much ground in saying things against them OR take a course on woodworking or such to 'improve yourself' or a gym .... just get out of that poisonous atmosphere - if you meet someone then go with it .... you dad didn't say 'ruin you own life & take care of mom'
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you moecam - I appreciate your comments and advice.
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Hi there I sympathise with you. I am 43 and living with my father who is 83 and has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. He is a very angry man and extremely bitter. He is wounded and i expect your mother is too. Life throws all sorts of things at us. My father still tries to control me. He is arrogant and lazy. He wont do anything all day except sit and smoke. He wont watch tv or read or have any interest in anything. He has no friends noone around him. He has a sister who he has fallen out with over 40 years ago. Its one problem after another and i can only say to you please do not press the pause button on your life because of your mother. You have to live your life and do the things you want to do. I too wish many a time that my father would die. He has hurt me a lot over the years. Its a lot to bear and like yourself i struggle daily. If you want to talk more you can message me and i would be happy to share emails.
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anonymous739426 Sep 2019
I hope you get the respite, and peace that you deserve. Your situation sounds extremely difficult. I have a father like this, and it has been an enormous relief since he has gone into AL. His behaviours remain, but at least there is a "whole village" so to speak to share around his toxicity and it is not on my shoulders 100 percent. My father would never agree to go to AL, but there his property was severely damaged in a storm and he had no choice. I hope the same luck comes your way too, soon!
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Many here have offered very good advice. You need to take care of you first. Was your mother always this way? If not, you might want to talk to her doctor. Perhaps an anti-depressant is in order if this is not who she use to be. Or, it could be something else that is an underlying medical issue.
If this is who she's always been, then you should have a
'come to Jesus' talk with her and tell her you need to have your space and own life.
If possible, get your brother involved in her care. All her children are responsible for her, not just you.
She'll try to make you feel like a disloyal son, as that is how she runs. But if she wants life on her terms, then she needs to be in a senior living community in her own apartment. She'll be in a safe environment and have 24 hour care, should she need it. You can still care for her but the arrangement needs to be different.
The stress you are under will eventually affect your health. In the meantime, treat yourself to a monthly massage, reconnect with friends and get out with them weekly.
I was the caregiver for both my parents but, thankfully, didn't have the personality issues you have nor did they live in my house, despite efforts to get them to move into a safer home layout. I cannot imagine your stress!

I wish you success in getting your life back.
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you SCBarb55. I appreciate your kind, helpful words of support.
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Will you marry me lol!!! I'm swf 55 never married, asthma and underlying heart disease and anxiety. Mother is 87 with lupus, chronic pain, and lots more! Your mom and my mom really should meet! Mine loves Italian food.
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vinman: The death bed promise can't hold up because your mother is driving you crazy. Something MUST change, else you drop over and faint and fall ill - then you'll be good to no one.
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you Llamalover47
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I haven't read any other responses. So forgive me if this is redundant or you have already vetoed the idea. (Just reading responses, yeah, we are all mostly on the same page.)

1st off, death bed promises are emotional blackmail and manipulation in my opinion. They are so unfair to the person the promise is being exacted from.

You are obviously going to hold to your promise, that is why you are living in hell with no plans for escape.

Taking care of someone doesn't mean that you have to give up your life and have them live with you. You can put her in a facility and you are honoring your promise. She will be fed, safe, warm and taken care of.

I would do some research on facilities close to you or not, figure out if she can pay or start the public assistance process. Then tell her she is moving as you take her out the door.

She had her life, she obviously didn't start having children until she was in her late 30s and you were younger then that when she became your charge. It's not what a loving mom does to her children.

Place her and go back to being her son and advocate and let her chew on someone else for a few years.
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you Isthisrealyreal - I appreciate your comments and advice. You make very good points. I appreciate it.
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Finding a therapist saved me. I would encourage you to find one and don’t hold back. Even if you think you can’t afford it, you can’t afford to NOT do it. If your mom’s like this at 83 you could have another 10+ years to go. She will outlast you if you aren’t careful.

Consider this - are you SURE your dad would want you to devote your entire life to your mother? He wanted you to make sure she was cared for and looked after. You are doing WAY more than that. Good luck.
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you TomUs225. I have considered speaking to a therapist but haven't been sure if it would help. I'm very happy it has worked for you and I will look into it this week.
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Listen......my father made me promise, on his deathbed, to 'take care' of my now 92.5 year old mother and I swore to him I would. What does that mean, exactly? That I promised to give up my entire LIFE to move mother into my home? Of course not! It means that I promised to 'take care' of my mean spirited, complaining mother by taking care of ALL of her finances and needs by being her POA at the Memory Care Assisted Living community she resides at. When YOU promised your father you'd take care of your mother, you took things a bit too literally. You've now given up your entire LIFE by living with your narcissistic Livia-Soprano-like mother (God help us all) and now you're about ready to die yourself, right? Because this Hell on earth is worse, catering to her selfish needs 24/7.

Place your mother IMMEDIATELY. She will never be happy ANYWAY, so what's the point of wasting ONE more minute trying to make her happy? Ain't no book or article on earth gonna fix THIS, my friend.

Go tour a few privately owned Assisted Living Communities in your area. Speak to the RESIDENTS and ask them how they like living there? Then ask the same of a couple of caregivers. When you find a place where everyone says good things, THAT is the place for your mother. If she's not in need of assistance, then place her in an Independent Living apartment situation that meets your criteria. Don't give her a choice. You know why? At 83, she could easily live another 10-15 YEARS. Think about that............another 10-15 years of THIS, and you will be 60 or 65 years old or OLDER, and STILL trying to make her happy, and still failing miserably. Because women like this are never happy, no matter what. Trust me. I know from where I speak.

So now it's time to pay someone else to bear that burden. If she has no money, apply for Medicaid.

Best of luck. You've done enough. Got that?
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TomUs225 Sep 2019
I sooooo agree with you!
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Vinmam31,
I think we’re related! Lol! Your mom is my mom & what you’re going through, I am!!
If you had a good relationship with your Dad, do you really think he’d want you to live like this?
Mom could no longer live in assisted living so I brought her to my home to avoid a nursing home. What in the world was I thinking??? Now that she’s here, Im touring nursing homes & she’s on lists!!! Do it for yourself. My son is 50 & I would never expect him, nor would his Dad, to take care of me. He has his life & his family.
If your Mom can go to assisted living, make the arrangements!! You deserve to have a life! Nothing you will ever do will make her happy so quit trying!! I think you’re doing like I did at first, appease, appease. I don’t do it any longer, I leave the room or go outside. She gets the message. I take her to a senior center 2 days a week so that my husband & I can have a couple of days to go to lunch, errands, out on our boat, etc. You just have to do it!!!
Im so sorry because I thoroughly understand. Mom is 89 & she’d complain if hung with a new rope.
I hope you can walk away from the abuse & do it for you. Your mom will be ok, get her with others her age & they can complain together!!
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you for your helpful reply. Hearing what you've said - what many of you have said - about is this something my dad would have wanted, has been an eye opener. I never really thought about how he would feel today - and yes he would be horrified. I instead focus on what he asked and how I've tried to do that, never considering the impact on me. I have a tendency to always put others needs before my own - a disaster in the making when taking care of my mother. I see it now and that's why I am grateful to everyone on here who has taken time to respond, suggest therapy or assisted living and share their stories. When you spend too many years worrying about others instead of yourself, it's quite a realization to see how bad things have gotten and how you need to make changes immediately. I hope I can walk away from the abuse. Thank you again.
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Promises made years ago to a parent, are promises that you made in a different era some 15 years ago ,under some duress and things have changed a lot in that time frame. I know this may sound harsh but you and your brother need to stiffen up your spines, present a united front, talk to her and tell her that you are both getting older and your no longer going to be able to do as much for her. Find some places near you where she can go live in an assisted living center of if you chose to let her continue to live with you, then she is going to have to hire and pay for out of her social security or pension, some of the associated costs, A couple of doctors told me early on when my husband was diagnosed with ALZ, that it was time for me to take charge and not let her rule the roost. I was encouraged to get involved in an Alz. support group, to get out and take some time for me and not let her continue to dominate the running of the household. When she starts to berate you over something, don't try to argue with her, you will never win. Either change the subject or leave the room. If she insists on still talking about whatever it is, get in the car and go out for awhile. Let her know her previous responses are not going to work. If someone is getting your goat, it is because you are letting them know where your goat is tied. You have a right to a life of your own just as much as she does. But now it is going to be on different terms. Above all do not let her guilt you into doing her way or no way. You might be surprised by what happens when you let her know, enough is enough. Good luck.
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I have said this multiple times before. When the behavior of the patient becomes obnoxious, abusive, manipulative and it starts making the caretaker feel the beginning of being destroyed and unappreciated, etc., then why on earth would anyone allow it to continue? As soon as this happens, after all attempts to fix it and stop it have failed, would you have them around you? They must be removed and placed into a facility so you have peace. You should have no guilt - you are saving your sanity and your life and living the life you deserve. Do something now.
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Good advice here.  I was always told that the only person you can really change is oneself.  Mom needs to hear that, and also needs to here that her whining and complaining attitude stop here.  You will not be a party to it. She may have sacrificed for you and your brother, but you didn't sign up for the verbal abuse and poor attitude.  You will only be able to continue this living situation with her changing her attitude.
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sounds like time to say " O K you old BTH I'm outta here!!!!! " and let that set in for a couple of days. YOU need to grow up and enjoy whatever life you have left with no regrets
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lealonnie1 Sep 2019
I literally laughed out loud at your response!! Thanks for the chuckle
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My response will not be popular. Walk away. You do not owe your Dad anything. You really don't. It will be the hardest and best thing you ever did. Parents who do this to their children are blackmailing them emotionally. Please go and find a counselor and talk this out. You are a person of value and worth and your mother does not or is no longer capable of valuing you. There is not shame in admitting that you are not able to do this type of caregiving. If she has not given you or your brother power of attorney, see an attorney (elder law) and find out what your options are for legal guardianship. Perhaps she is no longer competent. If you do not have legal responsibility in any way, ask him about what happens if you walk away. I had to do this with my father. Sadly, I never spoke to him again, and it took several years to forgive myself and come to terms with leaving my Mom with him as he was so abusive. But she had made her choice staying with him. And I was not able to please him in anyway. I have always been sorry that I was never able to figure out how to please him. But I finally have forgiven myself. In the meantime, I have kept my own sanity and my health has returned. (P.S. My sister sued me for elder abuse--I won. She is a lawyer and it was th first case she ever lost in her legal career. She no longer speaks to me either--so I lost all my family when I waked away.) Find a good counselor and a good lawyer. And love yourself enough to walk away.
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anonymous739426 Sep 2019
What an ordeal you've been though. So sorry to hear it. And, I think your message will be a popular one because it speaks the truth. I wanted to put an idea to you - maybe it was by design that you could never please your father. I know this was always a family pattern in my family - he never allowed anyone in the family to feel a sense of accomplishment that they had done something positive for him; and therefore it kept everyone in a never ending cycle trying to please him. It's a narcissistic and/or borderline feature and I stopped trying when I realised nothing ever was going to please him. My poor mother who stayed until the end of her life always said to me "I am always wrong" (when it came to him). He never allowed her to be right. It's terrible abuse and very self serving. On her death bed he leaned over her and said "you should suffer". That's the moment I realised what he was. A sadist, and very sick. Anyone who recognises this pattern you speak of should get out of the caring role, because your care will never be appreciated or acknowleged. They unfortunately are so delusional thinking that their manipulations will make you stay forever - often it does the opposite and you walk away. For others, they stay locked in forever. It's very very sad!
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I pray for help and it's amazing how happier I am. One thing that has come to me in difficult situations, thinking it's their party and I'm not invited and go on with other things and pretty soon I get an apology
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lealonnie1 Sep 2019
It's like I have always told my children.....what good is an apology if the behavior stays the same?
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Your post made me so sad. You are miserable and angry, you're depressed, you're giving up your chances at happiness in a relationship with a woman because of your situation, and you are waiting for her to die before your life can "really start." I think suggestions others have given for reading and watching videos are excellent ideas. I've always been helped by "bibliotherapy," reading about others who've been in my situation and gotten through it! I strongly suggest getting a therapist asap who can work with you to change your situation, however it's done. You need help and support for this.

Your father would hate to see you giving up your life for your mother. It does seem that you really know this. It also seems like you are expecting her to change into a loving, kind, compassionate, unselfish person. She's not going to, and you probably realize this. Your post suggests you want to find a way to continue living with her, hoping against hope that you can find happiness anyway. You have devoted 25 years to this woman, and this hasn't happened.

As others have said, she could live another 10-15 years and hopefully you'll live much longer. It's not too late at age 50 to begin living the life you want. She could be placed in a nursing home, senior facility, assisted living, whatever place the finances allow. Your local Area Agency on Aging (and great information on-line, like this website we're on) can guide you in her placement. She won't like it, she won't agree, she'll blame you for everything, but she'll survive and you will too. You can visit her when you like and not see her when you don't want to. This is coming down to your life or hers. You must make difficult choices, and therapy can help with this.

We wish you the very best as you work through this. My heart goes out to you.
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you so much Mary. Sorry for the delay in replying to you and some others on here. I am overwhelmed by the messages of support, yet also sad to see so many in the same boat. I appreciate your kind words and suggestions and ideas. I realize now that I need a therapist to help me with this. Nothing is going to change if I don't do something. It's not going to magically improve. It may sound ridiculous, but I see that now. All along I kept hoping I could do something on my own to make things more bearable. "More bearable" is no way to live. I need much more than that. Thank you again Mary.
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It's great that you're here on this forum...I believe no one should feel penned-in at such a young age (50) and still working full time trying to juggle your life as well as your needy loved one...

What you wrote is pretty much what happens to all of us that have an elderly parent under our charge as their main caregiver. So, you are not alone and these are not unique traits that only your mother exhibits. Which is why being on this forum could be cathartic for your sanity since most of us share your frustrations and stress.

My one take (because there will be so many that can impart their wisdom on the subject of what your mother does) to pass on to you is - get out every so often in what I call "Selfish Time"...even if you must hire a professional staff (like Traveling Angels Nursing Care) to care for her for a day or even half a day, you need to get away from the daily care-giving mode and go do something with friends or even just for yourself that you would enjoy and forget if but for a short time all that makes you feel miserable, depressed, and most of all trapped...

And keep coming to this forum...we're all kindred spirits sharing in all that you go through and therefore, you are NOT alone in this venture!
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vinman31 Sep 2019
Thank you SonInLaw491 - I appreciate your comments and suggestions. While misery may love company, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am sorry to see so many here in the same boat, but I am also grateful for the support I've received on here so far. I think your Selfish Time is a great idea. I think even planning something to look forward to will help ease the day to day stress, even for just a few minutes. And a half day or full day of selfish time sounds like heaven. Thank you again.
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She seems to still have a good mind. Next time she gets going, ask her if there is some place else that she would rather be to better care than she gets with you. Does she happen to have any old friends or relatives that currently reside in a facility like assisted living or nursing home? Go check it out on your own to see about activities or how the friend/relative is doing there. If it looks like they participate with activities and are happy, take mom for a visit. Maybe putting the thought in her head, would allow her to consider others providing her care.

Turning her rants back to her to offer solution may help. Simply put, I'm doing the best I can - do you have another plan or a person in mind who could give you what you need?
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Just because you agreed to "take care of her" doesn`t mean you have to do so 24/7 or to put up with her tirades.
1) If you`re looking for support and ideas on how to deal with her, up to and including moving her to a senior community, start with your local Senior Services group in the state, city or town you live in. Sometimes the local library`s have information regarding these services also or have weekly meetings for adult children of dysfunctional parents.
2) If you are still working, connect with your HR rep and ask about an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at the company you work for. These programs often provide some form of mental health support and are confidential. If your company has that benefit, use it, it`s often free or the fees are very reduced. If they don`t have an EAP, many mental health practitioners charge on a sliding scale, find one that does.
The mental health group the company has hired or the practitioner you have sessions with, can help you learn to set boundaries also.
3) Re: boundaries. You need them. So remember, you`re an adult and so is she...if you continue to act like her child, she`ll probably continue to treat you like a child.
4) Learn to disengage, disengage, disengage. If she starts up with her litany of issues, make any excuse and leave (if you`re at her house). Remove yourself from her presence, go to another room and watch tv or read a book or leave the house.
5) If she needs to get around due to her lack of driving skills, many communities have Senior Services that include transportation. For sometimes no fee or a small fee, they can take her to the grocery store, bank, doctors appointments etc.
6) Food, household supplies, etc. can be ordered online and delivered. Amazon, Instacart, Walmart, Safeway, other grocery stores, for example, can deliver goods to the house. If she can order from QVC, she can order her own chocolate !
7) If moving her to a senior community is really an option, i.e., she`d be willing to go, you`ll need to know more about her finances and assets and her health conditions; the best facilities aren`t cheap. You can research local senior communities on line (or use the computer at the local library if you want to get out of the house and away from her), and research how to determine the amount of money needed, and then pay them a visit for a tour. The administrator can give you brochures, discuss costs, etc. Do that with a couple of facilities close to you and save those brochures.
The next time she starts up with her tirades, acknowledge her disappointment in how she`s being supported by you and your brother and hand her one of the brochures and encourage her to consider moving to a facility that would be more supportive of her needs !!
8) If her husband or she are ex-military, contact the local chapter of the Veteran`s Administration. They have support services and social workers you can talk with on what services may be available to you, as a caretaker, and what services are available to her.
Lastly, the situation will probably get worse before it gets better, as many adult children dealing with senior parents will tell you.
As she ages, more medical issues will be occurring. It`s best you get proactive on getting plans in place on dealing with her now, before medical issues start presenting themselves.

Best of luck and hang in there !
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Sounds like you know about this stuff!!! Excellent advice!!!
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You need to take yourself out of the day-to-day, hands on version of "taking care of" your mother. This is nuts. You will be taking care of your mother by arranging other care for her. Do you have POA over her finances? Between your money and hers, the expense of AL or hiring someone to take your place at home would be well worth it to save your sanity.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 2019
No, don't spend your own money. Get her into a facility that she can afford.

Do you happen to work for a place for mom? That's the guilt trip they try to lay on people.
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I find Richard Grannon's videos to be helpful. He talks a lot about narcissistic abuse, how it affects people, and techniques on how to deal with it.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCU9xNc-P8GWAdafmAcNVi6g

Someone mentioned NarcissismSurvivor's channel, also good.

Caregiving is hard enough without narcissistic personality disorder mixed in. You don't have to emotionally support someone who doesn't emotionally support you.

I recommend finding a way to minimize contact as much as possible. Adult day services, home care if applicable, assisted living, whatever it takes.
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I too live with a elderly person my father-in-law. While my wife is the primary care giver, I share in a lot of the responsibilities. To be specific about your problem it sounds like your mom is an addict of sorts. Her addiction is the "world is not good enough and no one around me makes me happy". Sad, I assume no belief in God or a power greater than her? I don't know your financial situation or her health status exactly, but it sounds like assisted living might be a possibility. There is respite care also where you can put her in a senior care facility and you can get some time off. You are experience health care burn out which can believe it or not kill you, or make you very sick yourself. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless!
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Stop being a doormat. You have needs too.

My mom sold her home in Illinois and moved in with us for 6 difficult months - until she was ready to "find her own home". I gave her a bedroom and sitting room area to decorate and use as her own. She tried selling stuff at a Christmas bazaar - and took up the patio space creating "her display" for 2 months. She kept packing boxes in her room that smelled of mold and mildew - which I am allergic to - since she didn't smell "anything". She paid us $200 a month and bought some of her own food - this never covered her share of the expenses, but we went along with it. When she wanted to redecorate the hallway bathroom, I had enough.

She visited my sister for a month and I drew up a list of "house rules" with my husband for all of us. Mom read the rules and decided she was ready to "find her own place" - meaning she and I visited many condos for a month until she found the "one". We helped her paint, fix problems with the condo, move, and took out patio pavers that were "illegal". Was it a lot of work? Yes!

Now, I visit my mom weekly and she drives up to our home weekly. She has her home the way she likes it. She drives her own car and takes care of her own needs. My husband and I agreed to try to take care of any house problems, within our abilities, on a monthly basis. Her neighbors have our phone numbers. It is much better when she has her space to be boss of and we have our own.

You may need a similar solution. Start with a doctor's visit for your mom to rule out dementia, depression, and illnesses. Then, take some time away from mom to consider:
Is your mother mentally incompetent or physically dependent that you must tend her constantly?
What types of care does she need, as in toileting, bathing, dressing, feeding herself, cooking, walking, paying bills, getting to doctor appointments or grocery shopping...? (Notice that binge shopping and getting her chocolate are not needs.)
Can you and your mom financially live separately? If not, can you create "apartment" spaces for each of you? I would say that "your place" needs to be less accessible to your mom.
How often do you need to "check up" on mom to feel she is safe and well-cared for?

I would also suggest you read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. They helped me with creating appropriate responses to difficult behaviors.
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Sounds very familiar and then add Dementia to the mix. You need to take your life back; she needs to be in assisted living where she’ll have people her own age and experience to interact with. It doesn’t mean you love her less or are not keeping your promise to dad. You are keeping her safe and looked after without submitting yourself to a slow death. I’m the same age so I’m telling you in honesty, your youth is gone and you won’t get it back. Your future is ahead of you, take control. Find someone special to share your future with. Think of what your dad would want for you- a partner, maybe children. But loneliness, suffering and feeling dead yourself are not it. It’s not easy, but you have to start scratching yourself out of the rabbit hole you are in. If you don’t she could outlive you. Take care of her best by taking care of you first. I will keep my promise but know assisted living/nursing home is in our future. All bets are off with Dementia. I can only do so much.
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I got my selfish, narcissistic, angry dad to the ER and when happened I told them I was not taking him home and a nursing home was next step.... OMG what a nightmare... but I told them to medicate him. For the ambulance ride and when he woke up he was there and I told him he needed rehab and when he could go to the BR, fix metals, and function on his own, he would come home... it was a constant reminder he needed more rehab and that was that... sounds cold but when adult children are caring for parents, it is it the parent who decides what to do... I swear I thought my dad would kill me when I talked about this stuff so I did what I had to do... it’s tough, I lived it.... good luck
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anonymous739426 Sep 2019
He's lived his life, now you can live yours. Bravo on your actions to get your father into the care he needs. It takes a an entire village to look after a narcissist.
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I can only hope you’ll follow the excellent advice already given. Honoring the promise you gave your father can be done without sacrificing your sanity. You becoming her advocate and visitor in assisted living would allow that. But at the least, if you’re not willing to do that, block the channels for all home shopping! We blocked channels for things we didn’t want our children to see when they were growing up, using the parental controls. Do this for home shopping, a black hole for far too many seniors, and when she rants, deny knowing anything, look innocent and say you can’t imagine what happened
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Takincare Sep 2019
Or cable company stopped offering the channel.
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Hire someone to come in for a day or so for you go visit friends or go to good movies. Do something for yourself go visit friends and vent and listen to them for a while get out of that house for yourself your doing all you can do go watch the other TV.
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Oh I have been in your situation! My mom's still alive, but barely at this point and all her fire and brimstone is largely in the past. But at 83 she was much the same way. And had also alienated/driven off all other friends and family long before.

Bottom line, as you can clearly see, this is someone for whom NOTHING is ever good enough and who will never be happy no matter what you do or don't do. They are simply incapable of it. Once I realized that about my mom, it became a lot easier to make decisions for her and to have (and enforce) boundaries because I knew that she wouldn't like anything anyway - so instead of BOTH of us being miserable at least ONE of us was happy if I lived my own life & made choices for her regardless of her feelings.

Besides, it's a potent form of manipulation and once you let her know you are onto it by refusing to enable it, it tends to decrease. People who choose to be unhappy and not make decisions that would make themselves happier (ie moving somewhere else)....to see the cup as always half-empty, AND who insist on bringing everyone around them down with them ("Debbie Downer") are giant pills. She's entitled to have a pity party for herself, but she's not entitled to make others participate in it.

It's at this point we often come to an uncomfortable realization - we have to reverse roles and play the role of parent while parents take on the role of children. We have to make unpopular decisions for them and like a parent, we know we are doing the right things for their best interests regardless of much said parent may not like it. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. People like our moms don't like ANYTHING anyway so stuff any guilt you may have away permanently. As long as you know you act with good intentions to protect her safety, financial security and physical health, you can sleep well at night. Nowhere is it written you have to be her guaranteed entertainment or slave labor or less worthy of having your preferences met than she is. She may THINK she's royalty, but royals only get that kind of treatment because others give it to them. This woman is down to her last 'subject'...it's time for you to leave her 'court' and demote her to 'peasant' like everyone else!
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cherokeegrrl54 Sep 2019
Awesome and well said words!!!!
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I hear two big things. Your dad made an unreasonable request not knowing what he asked of you and you agreed to it not knowing what you were committing to do. As the great Maya Angelou says, when we know better we do better.

Your promise was made based on LITTLE INFO other than wanting to appease your father. Now you have more intel to make a new decision. Make it.

For some reason that that I don’t understand, some people think caregiving means GIVING ALL OF YOURSELF but I happen to believe GOOD CAREGIVING is taking care of yourself AND the person with yourself at the forefront so you can do the second half full of vigor and peace of mind. If you’re burned out and overwhelmed and stress in ANY JOB the job won’t be done well. Period.

Make a new choice. Assisted living? A nurse? Separate housing? It’s up to you and what’s best for you. You can do both. Look after your mom and have a life. You just have to figure out the way that’s best for you do it. It doesn’t have to be one and nothing. It can be both. Watch, if you do it, your world will suddenly get brighter, lighter and wider. Start imagining what that will look like and FEEL like and let that momentum carry you forward to actually putting it into action.
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OMG! It's like you are writing about my mother! Nearly verbatim! Non-stop whine, complain, guilt trip, pity trip, uncooperative, self-centered (to extreme), poor impulse control, poor delayed gratification.
And for me, no one's here to help me, either.
I moved in with her and her husband, into my family home (my father built it in the 70s), nearly 10 years ago. It's been an eye opening experience, to say the least. So many questions about things in my life involving her have been answered by seeing her in action, day after day. Her bad 'karma', which subtly poisons people into thinking she's nice which in reality is her false self (see narcissism), is something to see. It's from the narcissism which runs in her mother's family, along with extreme religious perfectionism, favoritism, systemic alcoholism (includes guilt and pity trips galore). She has bipolar and GAD, too, though I wonder if they are really just part of the N syndrome (N meaning narcissism).
I have no help whatsoever, and if she needs medical help I am the ambulance. We live 7 miles from the small 'Peyton Place' town where medical care for elderly or mental health conditions is a sham, having seen it in person, and repeatedly. So I moved all her care to the next city, 30 miles away, which means if she needs to go to ER, I drive it after managing to get her in the car.
The hospital staff, drs, nurses, etc., have been marvelous, and have seen her mental health concerns, and now I've become part of the medical team trying to resolve it; note: there is no resolution. She's cantankerous, an adjective more than one nurse has entitled her.
She wants her food, won't eat healthy but must or ends up in hospital, which she also detests. I am a nutritionist so am very careful to provide balanced meals of foods she can eat. Yesterday, she shoved her sandwich away and demanded a hot dog, which she cannot eat right now (I find the healthiest versions, and serve in 1/4 - 1/2 portions).
She continually throws my brother's name at me, as if to bully me into catering to her. She has no clue that he knows her games and isn't playing. He did his time with her, as she kept him around for 20 years doing cheap labor in house maintenance. He lives in another state now, deservedly.
Nonetheless, I am out here, by myself, trying to deal with her 'manic panic' episodes (bipolar manic + GAD, histrionic hypochondria). My father has been so helpful in relating info from his marriage to her, behaviors he saw that I see now. So, aging narc is only part of the equation.
I totally get your story! And I think that we'd do well in a coffee klatch, venting about our agin N mothers.
Please feel free to keep this thread going as typing it has been helpful!
Keep your head up! Gray rock, always, don't let her get to you despite the negativity being like a tsunami every day.
Find ways to nurture yourself (I spend time in the far end of our house, which is peaceful, with my kitties, sometimes on the deck, deep breathing).

You are not alone!
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anonymous739426 Sep 2019
Definitely co-mobidities with N's. Also, Otto Kernberg believes there is an underlying borderline structure underneath the N. if you want to look up his lectures on the subject on youtube. Also, in layman's terms, it seems that N's just never really develop beyond the self centred stage of "baby" and are locked in a cycle of baby and mother, they being the baby, and you being the mother giving in to all the needs and demands. I'm glad you have kittens to help you stay sane.
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