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Looking after Mum with dementia. Through the past few years I have scarificed a lot, magnified by covid. I have lost touch with my friends, have no time or energy for social life. I’m in my late 30’s wondering if I’ll ever meet anyone, have children, let alone even have time for a date. The only person I talk to is my mum who it’s becoming increasingly harder to have a proper conversation with. My own health has suffered massively, I’ve gained weight due to the constant stress and tiredness, my sleep is all out of whack, I’ve developed asthma and have anemia. 3 years I go I was fit and healthy. I hate the sight of myself now in the mirror, I don’t see the girl I was and want to be. Now I’m at a crossroad of where I’m being forced to make a choice between Mum and my profession. Even if Mum goes to a care facility, I would not be able to see her due to health regulations inevitably and there is 0 other family. I fly overseas for a career and if you’ve been overseas, you are banned from visiting an aged care facility due to covid. This was my dream and I worked many years to get to where I am. I don’t have the same earning potential elsewhere, which would bring further strain. I feel like my whole life has been hijacked if that makes sense and I’m not happy. I keep wondering if Mums dementia is worth me losing all of this, friends, my own family, my health and profession and where I’ll be in 10yrs time, if I keep going like this. I keep looking at others my age moving on with their lives, progressing whereas I am back peddling in every way. Yet the thought of just dumping my mum at a care facility and not being able to see her, makes me feel sick in the stomach as we’ve always been super close. I can imagine if I did that, it would come back to bite me later and then I’d regret that. I really don’t know what I’m meant to do. I have to choose between myself and Mum. It’s like we are both falling off a cliff and I’m holding on to her hand and if I let go, I will survive but if I don’t, we both fall. Only this is not a cliff so I’m so confused! I love her and for now I can still have conversations with her but what about couple of years time, when she no longer remembers who I am,.. will it all be worth it then for me to have lost all the above mentioned? The profession is not something I can drop and pick up again later without starting again from the very beginning,.. it’s built on seniority. I wish my workplace was able to give me further leave but I’ve been given a deadline. My whole life I have pretty much invested for my family, I also have a brother with a disability (in a care facility overseas) and my other brother was sick and passed away 2019. I’ve been worrying since I was a kid for my family and used to think, when I grow up, I’ll finally be set. I used to think then I can finally have all the security I missed as a kid and be free while also being able to provide assistance to my family. Key word being “assistance, not losing all I have”. I feel like my late 30’s are a break it or make it point where I really need to establish my own future or suffer the consequences now and later. Where do you draw the line,.. how do you weigh up all this! It’s absolutely breaking my heart both ways. If it weren’t for covid, admittedly things would be different. I’d be able to place Mum in care and go back to my profession of choice and see her on my days off, all would be well. I will add that these restrictions even apply to home care and respite. I’m feeling a whole lot of resentment and just feel upset all the time. Neither choice will result in a happy outcome.

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I have had my Mom living with me for years. Left my job to retire early and thought I could give her the best care. She is now 91 and I am 66. If I could have given myself advice years ago I would have said to follow my career and let professionals take care of Mom. This disease Dimensia gets worse and worse. Eventually she may not know you and will argue with you and may treat you as though you are a stranger in her life. If I could have advised myself ten years ago I would have done things very differently. But I like you thought I loved my Mom and she needed me. And gave up everything. Today she has no idea who I am. Poops and pees herself several times a day and thinks I am annoying for making her wash. Keep you career, find the best place you can for Mom and have FaceTime chats with her as often as you can. I wish you all the best. Let go of the guilt and live your life.
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CarylorJean Nov 2021
My life Charlie, in a nutshell. On the other hand..... my view is she looked after me, fed me, bathed me. It's payback time.... what can I say. I love her even though she is no longer the strong, intelligent, independent woman she used to be. It breaks my heart to see her this way but I feel obligated to care for her. She is vulnerable and needs protection. It's been a while since she last truly knew who I was. That's okay. She would never expect me to put my entire life on hold but hey it's just something I gotta do. Frustration, disappointment and resentment are part of every day but I will still hold her hand until the day she departs however hard it may be.
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Your mother is not the reason that's holding you back from having the life you're claiming to have had three short years ago. Depression and fear are the more likely culprits that are holding you back. You are also probably having a mid-life crisis too because you're around the time in your life when the having kids window starts to close. You talk about not having the same earning potential as before. Now is around the time where some professions and jobs start 'aging out' with people in your age group. They want younger. None of this is your fault or your mother's.
Based on the age you say, I'm about ten years older than you. Maybe a little less. I never had any biological kids, but I am a mother. I also have financial insecurity. I wish I had known when I was your age and younger to sacrifice for myself first for my own sake and future instead of for my family who I get nothing from.
You know how when you get on a plane they say in an emergency to put your own oxygen mask on first before the kids? It's because you won't be able to do for the kids unless you do for yourself first.
Let me tell you something. Whatever relationship or love you have for your mom will be gone if you continue on as you are. What will take its place is resentment, anger, regret and even hatred. You will go from helping and caring for her to being a slave and dementia is a cruel master. I would know my friend because I've been 12 Years A Slave so far on this elder care plantation.
Get out while you still can. There are other options available for your mother besides a nursing home. There is homecare options (both hourly or live-in). There are assisted living communities. There are memory care facilities. Many of them are very nice places. Check some out for her.
Then get yourself into some therapy for your own sake. Good luck to you.
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Place mom, go on with your career, see her on Zoom or another face to face device as often as you want. Go forward and don't wither in place.
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Beatty Nov 2021
'wither in place' 😔 Excellently put.
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Stop looking ahead years into the future and predicting what Covid rules will dictate, that your mum will "die" without your company and visits and all the rest of it! There is no guarantee of TOMORROW for any of us, never mind next year or beyond. And most elders THRIVE in managed care, you'd be shocked to know we're not as important to their well being as WE think we are! Zoom and FaceTime is perfectly fine, and so are teams of carers looking after them, and other elders to socialize with.

Stop looking for reasons why this won't work, realize it WILL, then agree to move on with YOUR life and be happy. Resentment anger and burn out isn't helping you OR your mother, in reality. My mother has been in managed care since 2014 and I certainly haven't "dumped her off" there either! That's not a reasonable or healthy way to look at the reality of the situation at all. Unless in home care is working out well for BOTH of you, without anger and resentment, then in truth, it's working for NEITHER of you.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward with your own life now.
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Sophiahd Nov 2021
Great point about most elders thriving in well-managed care. I think there is the stereotype of being dropped off to rot, but the reality is a time of trained people are what many elders, especially those with special needs require.

@Cappuccino42, I think you need to start putting yourself first. It sounds like your own health is suffering. That’s not a good sign. You can’t look after someone else’s health if you can’t look after your own.

Finally, resentment is a normal part of elder care. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
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Would your poor mother want you to not have a family, not be financially stable, be unwell, burnt out and unhappy, in order to be a hands-on caregiver to her in her demented state? I think most loving parents would NOT want this for their child.
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Cappuccino42 Nov 2021
The current Mum has no regard for my wellbeing,.. treats me more like a personal slave to be honest. She’s not able to comprehend the situation and thinks me catering to her 24-7 while working another full time job is completely normal and stock standard the same as a mother looking after a baby. If I try push back or say I need help, she becomes a pain. But if I think of the Mum she used to be and ask myself what she would say back then, I think she would say to not let her be in my way. Personality wise she really is not the mother she was. She is in my mums shell with shared memories but different opinions and choices.
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If you are able to place your mother in a nursing home, do it now. I am so miserable after living together with my 95 year old mother for 20 years. After the Covid-19 lockdown and retiring, I barely can leave my house anymore. I've lost all my goals, my dreams, and enjoyment of life. Get your life back, enjoy what life has to offer because you could end up like me just hoping to somehow die soon. I am living the life of a 95 year old woman, and yet I should be too young to live like this. Run!
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BurntCaregiver Nov 2021
Forgotten2,

20 years of dealing with a senior with dementia is more than anyone can be expected to take.
Find a nursing home or memory care for your mother. You don't owe anymore.
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Self preservation is key, once resentment sets in hate follows.

time to put your mum in a nursing home where she can be looked after by others and you can get a little quality time back by just visiting your mum.

Im a mum and would not want my 30 year old daughter putting her life on hold for my care. It would not be fair.

you have done enough, you have been a wonderful daughter who obviously loves her mother.

Get your life back.
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Cappuccino42 Nov 2021
thats the thing though,.. I won’t be allowed to visit her if I stay in my profession. So if I do place her, I’m literally cutting ties with her as due to regulations I won’t be allowed to see her if I’ve been overseas. I’ll be able to see her only once a year during my actual holidays as that’s the only time I would have ever NOT been overseas in the last 14 days. I know it will kill Mum as there will be no one else to visit her, just me once a year. My only hope is that the law / regulations change and people that have been overseas can visit aged care. With everything else I agree with, thank you for your advise :)
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You have your life in front of you.
You need to live for yourself.
If you posed this question to your mom 10, 15 years ago what would her advice have been?
I am sure that your mom would not have wanted you to pass up on career, opportunity the possibility of a family to care for her. I know I would not want a child of mine to do that.
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Cappicuccino42...why do you feel your mother's life is so much more important than yours? She got to live her life but you have been unable to live yours because you have been forced to care for her. This could go on for years, and when she passes what will you have to show for it? Parents want their children to thrive and live their lives, not wither in place as someone above said. Maybe the person she has become would like that but not the person your mom was.

Covid will not last forever. There are zoom meetings. The last two times I saw my father alive were through zoom. The second time he was barely conscious so an in-person visit would have been for nothing as he wouldn't have known I was there.

Look into other options if you are afraid of AL. There is no law saying you have to be the solution to everything.
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Whatever decision you make, remember that you are not locked into that situation. If you place your mom in a facility, it could turn out to be the best place for her. If not, there are other options you can explore. Please don't be hard on yourself. These are not easy decisions, and there is never one perfect solution. Hash out your potential plans with a friend or therapist, and don't hesitate to use this forum. Lots of guidance and resources here, and plenty of people rooting for you. :)
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