My mom is 84 and lives alone. She is a very difficult, negative person. She calls me everyday and demands that I answer the phone whenever she calls as if I have no life of my own. She complains about her health, her bills and my brother all the time. She is so negative and has always been this way. I am tired of her negativity and do not want to talk with her everyday. So I am laying down boundaries and she becomes abusive when I do. She just vomits out whatever she wants to say without any regard for me and my feelings. She has always been this way and me and my brother and sisters left her house early on in our teenage years because we could not stand her bipolar ways. I love my mom but my life and my metal health are important to me and I just don't want to be there every time she calls with some negative topic. I just can't be her emotional dumping bag anymore and when I speak what I feel, she interrupts me, hangs up the phone or whatever she has to do not to hear me or validate my feelings. My brother and sisters have distanced themselves from her because they don't like the way she is. She is miserable, tired and sick all the time and I don't want to become like her. If I constantly play the listener role what will become of me?
We all need someone to listen sometimes. We all need to vent. It's part of the human condition. But in sharing and venting, responsible adults look for and find solutions to their problems. When your mom complains, ask her what she intends to do about her health, her bills, your brother and any other negative topic. What you'll discover (if you haven't already) is your mom doesn't want solutions; she just wants to complain and for you to listen. She has no concern about the emotional fallout for you.
You are not your mom's emotional barf bucket. Tell her how her nonstop negativity affects you. Tell her you will not listen any more. (She won't care, and she won't believe you, at least not at first). Then enforce the boundary you just made by consistently walking away or hanging up when the negativity starts. Yes, it's difficult. But so worth it.
I can assure you she'll be angry when she discovers you're no longer available to absorb her toxicity. (Yes, the negativity can literally make you sick). She may or may not stop, but at least you'll have done what you needed to do to shield yourself the constant barrage of negativity.
You asked what would happen if you continue to play the listener role. Think depression, inertia, anxiety, guilt, resentment and frustration, all of which blunt your own emotions and make you physically and emotionally ill. Nowhere is it written that to be a good daughter you must endure nonstop negative garbage. Your mother would have you believe it's your duty, but that's a lie.
When you start to refuse this role, you will start to feel better. Resist. Enforce. Only you can make it happen. (((Hugs)))
hug!!! :)
Understand it is HER personality flaw. I have stopped calling and writingt o my mom after this latest incident. I owe her nothing, so when i feel i can give again, i will contact her. Right now i need a break.
You have the right to limit a call to once a week. Set a timer. After 10 minutes, "someone at the door- talk to you next week- bye"
That personality sucks life out of people. Limit your contact. You will feel improvement in your peace.