Follow
Share

Caring for Mom, seeing the things she does and says and the way she behaves has given me a terrible dread for my own old age. When something like this is in your face day after day, does anyone else feel concerned and dread of the future for yourself? Mom has always been difficult, but now she is a total stranger, a person none of us want to be around. As I watched her become like this over the years, and especially now that she has full blown dementia, I'm starting to analyze myself, worry about every time I forget something and wonder "Is it starting for me? Will I be like her? Will I lose control, will my family not want to be around me?" I never thought much about old age until now. I always knew I would eventually lose my hearing, that I can deal with and get help. But the dementia, when it is right in front of you constantly it becomes a dreadful reminder of the future to come.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

56 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Most caregivers must think about this. I certainly do. If you really want to get depressed read the book or watch the movie "Still Alice". It's about a woman with early onset alz. In the movie the character has made very good, fail safe plans to end her life when the dementia reaches a certain level. Alas, due to the dementia she is unable to carry out her plan. Yikes! My wife and I had discussed this same scenario. We have no kids to watch out for us as we decline. Well, back to the drawing board..... Back to the issue, at minimum everyone needs to get all the legal stuff done. Wills, end of life directives, care choices, POA etc. We are trying to figure out who to put in charge. Law firm, judge, who? We can't obsess about old age and dementia nor be depressed about it. It happens to all of us. I'm just hoping I end my life having done more good for this world than harm.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report
Yes, I definitely worried when I take time to consider it. My father died with dementia three years ago. My mother lives with it now. Two of my mother's siblings died from dementia that set in when they were in their 70s. I like what Windy said about doing more good than harm. Maybe a good thing to concentrate on is to do as much good as we can and keep our hopes up that our minds will stay healthy until the end.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Having children is no guarantee that you will be taken care of. Or maybe I watch too much ID channel! We do have children but I personally would rather be euthanized early on than have my children go through the nightmares we have endured. But to answer the question of the thread, yes. Terrified. And the more I read the messages in these forums the more frightening it seems. I guess the take away from all this is to do what you can while you still can, and enjoy what you have while you still have it. And to try to remember what NOT to do as we age from what we have seen and experienced.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
I learned from my parents to save for those rainy days, so that's good.

But I am learning from my parents on what not to do... like trying to live in a single family home with two sets of stairs that they barely can maneuver, and now depending on me for driving. My plans is for me to move into a retirement community that offers the residents transportation service... that way I would still be in control and not having to wait for a relative to take me somewhere.

Also, I have already updated my Will, Trust, POA's, so no last minute panic like I had with my parents [93 and 97] who this past Monday finally signed new legal paperwork, to get rid of a prior Will that had numerous family names but all who have since departed.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Definately. When my Mom and I were at the hospital and she kept calling for me while I was standing just a few feet away..I had to keep yelling back - I'm here Ma! An elderly gentleman tried consoling her as well, he then walked up to me and said "Growing old ain't for sissies"... I heartily agree and it makes me want to join the foreign legion to "go out with ma boots on". When this disease gets more epidemic than it already is, it will overwhelm families and facilities. That thought is dreadful.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
What scares me is that I see that there are no good programs or support groups for people who lose their memory. Once you're so far along that you don't know what's going on, there are day groups and all sorts of things. But when you're first going through the memory loss and changes, there just seems to be nothing to help you get through it. People with memory loss sometimes don't know they're experiencing it, but others do and for those people, it's really scary.

I've tried so hard to find programs for Mom and they're just scarce. She's really alone in it, despite my help, because I can't really understand fully since I'm not going through the same thing, myself. When I'm her age and going through it, I'll feel alone and scared just as she does.

Right now, I find that scary and depressing. It's sad that I know that that's what I'm looking to the future for and that there doesn't seem to be any way to change it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
It seems the best we can do is save as much as we can for our own care and hope we can find a trustworthy child, relative or someone who will care enough to oversee our lives when we are no longer capable. We must get our legal ducks in a row so our wishes are clearly expressed when we are mentally able to make those decisions. My children are scattered all over the country, which means having to choose one (actually there is only one who is reliable and whose judgment we would trust) and we will have to pull up our own roots and move to her, to a state we are not that excited about. Then we have to hope she and her family don't move away! We don't want to be responsible for holding her life back and the alternative is to follow to another place filled with unknowns at an age when we need stability. We have remained where we are for the past 10 years because of Mom, never imagining she would live to be 100, and still be healthy physically. Otherwise, we would have moved long ago. But, with our generation it is no longer norm to have a nuclear plus extended family with roots and a family home and town, and childhood friends and a network. The baby boomer generation is going to really feel it as many of us are financially unprepared.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Yep, me to. I'm screwed. But then I think I'll deal with it when the time comes. I'm not near retirement yet, but have installed a walk in shower and a high rise commode with grab bars. Piece by piece I think about how things may be in the future and am making small changes here and there to accommodate that change. It is scary, I want to be as independent as I was when I was 21, but that's not going to happen. We age, it's a fact we can't get out of. As we age, sometimes we have medical issues. Take care of yourself now, exercise by doing something you love, eat healthy, splurge occasionally, enjoy life, do what you need to but also do things you enjoy. By caring for yourself, you'll be more likely to be active longer and enjoy life more.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
That is so true terryjack! All the research shows that people who remain mentally and physically alert and challenged have more active minds in old age. Do crossword puzzles, computer games, read books, socialize, exercise and keep the mind and body active to ward off physical and mental disability!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Terry jack, I like your style. Already getting ready for elder issues tub etc. as I began dealing with my parents care issue it dawned on me that I wiil be old and frail someday. We built a house a few years ago with wide hallways, three foot wide doors throughout etc. I regret we didn't do an elder bathroom but that might be my next project.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Stop Worrying and start living. I spent years worrying and everything I worried about did not happen. We do not know our future, we need to live right now and enjoy it. I understand your fears....my dad died of cancer when I was 17....my mom was ill for many years due to allergies that I have inherited and she died of Alzheimer's last year. What I learned, after many years, is we do not know....so stop focusing on the bad things that might happen. Be resourceful, yes be smart and get finances and help lines established, but enjoy today.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am getting rid of junk, all of the time. No one will want or need my stuff, after I am gone. If it is just me, I will move to AL.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
chicago, that is one of the biggest things I have learned cleaning out Mom's apartment. No one in the family wanted anything but a small "souvenier". Neither of my children want any of my collectibles or anything else. I'm in the process of getting rid of most of it. If its been in a box, or something I haven't used or looked at in a year - it goes! If only I could convince my husband to do the same. He keeps buying from Amazon!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I worry about the future. Have tried to set myself up. My family is very destructive, and I would be very afraid to be left in the care of most of them. I have saved, am going to build a house I hope I can stay in till I die, in a community with good public transportation, and I pray that I die before I need to be under the control of others. It frightens me to think that I would be subject to my relatives dictates. I am not yet retired, but I have a living will, and I plan to retire far far away from them. I don't smoke, drink or do drugs, so likely I will outlive most of them, but I do try to make certain I won't be without resources. But a lot of states try to leave it in the hands of family if they can. That scares me.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
LoL, AmyGrace, you hit upon something. My aunt was cleaning out her house, giving stuff away. No one really wants a lot of it. She boxed up a bunch of stuff and sent it to me. It was statues, antique plates and china from her mother (she is aunt by marriage). It sits in boxes in a storage unit. After she passes on, I plan to donate it.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Twizard - you might want to see if you can sell those first. Find out the worth and save for your retirement :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I've been downsizing stuff, too. Recently I just gathered most of my VHS movie tapes and hope the place where I take donations will accept them. I want to make things simple and neat.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Freqflyer, I just did the same thing with VHS tapes. There were hundreds of them, a lot I had recorded off shows, but a good many were expensive purchased movies, etc. Unfortunately, my daughters tell me neither they nor anyone else wants them, including donation sites, as they have found the tapes degenerate over time and are likely to break with use. Plus, no one has a VHS player anymore. Sure wish I had back all that money I "invested" in those movies! Lol! Oh well, at least I cleared out a bunch of shelf space and didn't leave it for my kids to do later on. We have cleared out two homes of stuff collected by elders recently and it was a huge job. Unless you have some really high end collectibles, sadly, no one else wants all the treasures we hold on to so dearly. There is enough for families to deal with after a passing without having to de-junk entire houses.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Cricketfarms is so right. It is frustrating to have items of value (such as expensive cut glass, limited edition signed prints, antique quilts, collector plates,etc) and you can't sell them for even 1/4 of their worth. Yet, you know that some antique place is going to end up with them and get more than their value. I am trying hard to sell some of those things for Mom to help defer costs of the AL - and no one wants them.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
AmyGrace, a while back someone wrote the cut glass market had bottomed and would never return. They were wrong. A lot of the brilliant cut glass is selling well now. The plate market is still gone. "They" said it is gone for good, but "they" are often wrong. At the moment, however, most people are not buying them unless they are certain companies.

About antique stores -- most don't even make enough money to stay in business. Antiques are often done more for the love than for the money.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I worry most about money. My husband managed to invest very poorly and we lost 100,000. Down to $35,000 now. I am disabled and can't work and neither can he. He has the beginnings of dementia. Today I went to a place that gives away free food. Tons of people there. Our ss is quite small. So yes, I worry.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Watching my mother's declining health over the last 2 years has left me TERRIFIED of my future. Her health and mind have gone bad so fast. She went from driving and living alone, doing everything for herself to being totally dependent. After her heart failure began, one of the 3 of us daughters got together to try to discuss her care and supervision. Only 1 daughter had the option to move in with her. I have felt guilty about my sister's sacrifice every since that day. There is nothing good about watching mom fade and her health fail her. Only sadness, resentment, and fear for my own future.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
My mil who had poor hearing and dementia one day while sitting at kitchen table said how she misses hearing the trains go by .made us think how something that we took for granted all these years is gone now and how she could remember that and not other things
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I worry about this too and will not do this to my kids and their families.

Recently looked at life care communities (once your in your in) but they are very expensive and I'm not sure we have the resources since we are also supporting mom at this time....

So planning and legal work and looking for options...not waiting until it is too late.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am definitely focusing on getting my ducks in a row, and there's lots to do. I have to update my will and living will and get them notarized and witnessed. A big challenge for me is that I truly have no one in my life to be witnesses--I'll have to go to a notary place or attorney's office I guess, and have a few employees witness my signature.
I am joining the Dying with Dignity movement in my state, and have been brainstorming the wording to use in order to hopefully cover all bases when the time comes (when I'm no longer of sound mind). I don't have children or other family, and statistically, I will probably outlive my husband, so...
It's extremely important to me that whatever resources I have left be put to practical use to help others live happier, healthier lives, and NOT to be used to prolong my decline.
I'm in a good place as far as my "stuff". Don't have much crap to sort through, my finances are straightforward.
But there's plenty to do, and I do feel the urgency to get it done.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
About collectibles, in today's Washington Post there was a timely article titled "Stuff it: Millennials nix their parents’ treasures".

"A seismic shift of stuff is underway in homes all over America.... Members of the generation are trying to offload their place settings for 12, family photo albums and leather sectionals.... Their offspring don’t want them.....

"As baby boomers, born between 1946 and 1964, start cleaning out attics and basements, many are discovering that millennials, born between 1980 and 2000, are not so interested in the lifestyle trappings or nostalgic memorabilia they were so lovingly raised with.....Thanks, Mom, but I really can’t use that eight-foot dining table or your king-size headboard.....

"To make matters worse, young adults don’t seem to want their own college textbooks, sports trophies or T-shirt collections, still entombed in plastic containers at their parents’ homes.....They are living their life digitally through Instagram and Facebook and YouTube, and that’s how they are capturing their moments. Their whole life is on a computer; they don’t need a shoebox full of greeting cards.”

Oh well, I have read that old fashioned board games are making a come back, maybe all those 45 rpm kid records will be following close behind, I have dozens of those.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
It's very important to *plan* for the future, but not to live in it or fear it. Living in the future is the source of anxiety. I'm working on a class in mindfulness meditation, another for caregiver burnout -- and this is the situation I see, over and over: we forget to live in the now. By living in the past (regrets, guilt, shame) or in the future (fear, anxiety, worry), we allow precious moments of "right now" to pass us by. We only have what we have. No amount of money will really buy us a moment longer if that's not in the divine plan. The real shame is in not living today as fully as possible. The secret of staying young is to let go of our regrets and worries. Once we concentrate on right this moment we will feel this moment expand and the clock slows down. Enjoy today, this minute, this moment. What's right in front of you? What are you seeing, hearing, tasting, touching? There's so much joy to be had in releasing expectations and forgiving the past. Look for the humor in mistakes, and bless every moment.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am currently taking care of my mom & dad. Dad is 76 & lives in TN with his wife. I handle his social security check for him because he can't handle money. I have been doing this since Dec 2013 when he nearly lost his home.

My mom is 74. Last summer I bought a condo for my mom in my complex. She does pay me rent but I do subsidize her taxes & association dues. Like my dad my mom only has her social security income & a little money from when she sold her townhouse.

I have a Hello Fresh subscription ($69/week) for which I pay. The subscription is for 3 dinners for two & we have dinner together 3 nights a week.

My sister & brother are ex-cons & drug addicts. So my parent's care falls to me. I don't begrudge this. I have never married & have no children. I have already decided to move to assisted living as soon as I begin to fail, maybe at 70. I have also decided to forgo all medical care after 85. Actually, just this week I was thinking that if I got some bad disease now, like cancer, if I would even seek treatment. I am 57.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I worry all the time...we don't have kids and I do not trust anyone in my family to care for us after seeing how much they don't care to help mom who has dementia.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Hi Amy!
And to answer your question, I would have to say, "Yes". I am more than a little apprehensive when I consider my own future, as a caregiver and life-partner to my girlfriend, who is also permanently bedbound, and has been for the last seven years.
Teresa is a great joy in my life. As a widower with seven surviving children, all grown now, I have some experience, from a guy's view, in helping others. Teresa is an instructor and curriculum developer for Advanced Elementary Instruction in several of our nationwide schools. She is now legally blind and physically unable to transfer from her bed.
I am Teresa's only hope of staying out of a nursing home for the rest of her life. I am also an Honorably Discharged disabled American Veteran. I spent my time in the Air Force and now I'm in a wheelchair myself, doing the best I can in a position I was never trained for. Soon I'll be requiring services myself, and as we are both just over 60, things have changed for us inasmuch as the types and availability of programs to assist us. I see a terrible day ahead for us when we are split-up from each other, just so we can be assigned services...
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter