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AK daughter I wish someone had told me that when I had my 2. I did (do) most everything for them, now 13 and 17. My daughter can be in the recliner and ask so sweetly, mom can you hand me the phone? can you get me a drink? Can I have the remote? I so often find myself running like a chicken to "serve". And for what?? So I can train them that they will need to find a head-bobbing partner to be at their whims for their lifetime? I have to change or I see many divorces in the kids' futures.
and as far as the giraffe statue! lol.....mom and I have a lot of nice furniture and home decor and we decided to sell. As such I needed to make ads with pictures. Hence the "moving everything"....
I am very Type A.
I used to think I was a control freak, but over time I have let people "control" me so they would love me!
Crazy backwards thinking.
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It isn't of any wonder that you are having panic and anxiety attacks, if the tension has no release it will only keep building and the attacks will get much worse. I am on Zoloft for mine as I have had anxiety problems since I was 3 years old. My anxiety at that time used to be released by severe nose bleeds and the Dr. was the one who had figured it out. I think having your own space to do or not do is a great idea, when the sister's walk in from work PUNCH OUT period..... Tell them that they have the next shift and leave, go for a walk, coffee whatever you want or need to do, but get your life back. You are no good to yourself or your mother at this point, you have to put your foot down and remind them that it is their mother as well. But do for you, you deserve it and you need it, and if you want to vent then you have made a step in the right direction. There is always someone willing to listen, talk to you and give you new ideas. I wish you all the best of luck and bless you. Take good care of yourself and everything else comes second. Good luck
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Since you have POA, use some of your mother's money to have help come in to respite you. Next sit down with your siblings and hash out the issues WITH this therapist you see in her/his office so there is neutral ground and there will be a moderator. Family dynamics are hard and it may take several sessions, but at least there needs to be dialogue between you all. Next, you need a life of your own, and you need to get out of this situation either permanently or temporarily. Research finding a room & board situation with you coming over to your mom's house 3 or 4 days a week and the rest have help in. You must help yourself FIRST so you can keep yourself healthy. No amount of stress is worth you ruining your health. Please take care of yourself. Best wishes!
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ferris1, if we have POA, are we allowed to do that if mom refuses it? It's still 'her' money, and unless she is deemed incompetent, we cannot just schedule things and write checks from her checkbook to get people in, can we? Pls advise.
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So back from trip! First day back my step-dad just throws his empty pie box on floor saying he will pick it up later not likely it will be my Mom telling me to do it or her picking it up I could of screamed so much to say on here but it would be a book while I was away had respite care set up for my Mom and her husband they kept canceling or sending the caregiver home I was getting phone calls like 4 times from case manager telling me what my Mother and step-dad were doing the case manager said they would have to cancel altogether if my Mom and her husband kept canceling my Mom was complaining because they weren't cooking meals for my step dad when my Mom and step-dad already agree and understood the help was only for my Mom because she has Parkinson's they even sign the agreement paper before I left my Mom is very manipulative now and in the past also she has always made many airy promises and never keeps them! My step-dad is right beside her if she cry's and she doesn't get her way He rub's her back and says whats wrong mama ??? Like I am the big meany. He thinks I am rough on her even if I want her to go to the doctors and she doesn't the list goes on I admit I loose my patients at times but she nags and won't stop and is at me when I am trying to do my job!! On top of it all I am crabby with my boyfriend for 21 years and ask him to do things and he tends to leave it to the last minute he has always been like this tired of it and it really frustrates me and I get upset with him well we had a argument and he call me some mean disrespectful names I am so upset just want to live on my own and get a regular job please don't misunderstand me I love my Mom and partner just really overwhelm and having major anxiety & stressed out seriously trouble sleeping also feeling guilty for the simplest things like telling my Mom to finish her will for the four past years t before she losses her mind she keeps putting it off then there is my other siblings that don't even help and they only live an hour away could sure use some advice?? Just needed to vent.
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akdaughter: great advice! Gave me palpitations when I read....a good parent is to make themselves unneeded..... but it is absolutely true, I just have not lived up to that!
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I am afraid to even say this because I may jinx it......Mom fell apart last night screaming, yelling, telling me to shut up and get out of her house....it was a major meltdown. Older sister, did not go to work today, but stayed home, called the doctor about Mom's meds after asking me if it was okay and she stayed with Mom so I could go to the bank, and grocery store. I was suppose to have a doctor appointment that was cancelled by them, but younger sister called to say she would be over to stay with Mom so I could go! I do not know what got into them other than my panic and anxiety beginning and maybe they are worried about who is going to care for Mom if I can't??? All I know is it is a step in the right direction and I am thankful. Now if it will just continue.
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Holycow, it sounds like you are living a nightmare with sisters and mother around you. I would be panicking, too. I'm sure your body is trying to tell you to turn attention to yourself and what you need.

I have panic disorder that rears its ugly head every 10-20 years. I have to deal with it, because it will turn into agoraphobia if I don't. It can be so hard to deal with. Despite the panic that was crippling at times, I was able to work as a teacher until I took early retirement to do other things I wanted to do. (Taking care of parents was NOT on that list!)

Something that helped me dealing with the panic was knowing the attacks are self-limiting. You won't die or go crazy. You won't have a heart attack or stroke. They will crest, then go away. There are two natural things that really help me -- water and good food. I'm more likely to panic when my sugar is low. I also learned a lot about self soothing. Everyone does this different. It sounds like your self soothing would mean getting away for a while and maybe having a bite to eat or just sitting by a river. I always find peace in watching water flow away from me, so I face downstream. It is like the water carries my concerns away with it.

A big thing that has helped me is my motto in life: Feel the fear and do it anyway. I think I got the motto from the title of a book. I use this motto when I feel I can't face situations that make me anxious. The motto works so well with me. It reminds me that I succeeded in the past and can do it again, to just go ahead and do it.

I hope that you can figure out what your body is telling you that you need to do. I think working it through with a therapist is a wonderful suggestion. I wish they had a lot of free therapists around. Those people can be expensive unless insurance will cover it.
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HolyCow, We have a caregiver that we use sometimes that only charges $10.00 an hour. My mom goes to a day program and one of the staff there told me about her. She is great with mom! If there is a day program in your area I would suggest that you call them to ask if any of the staff do extra caregiving jobs. Staff at mom's program do, but the policy is that they cannot do extra work for participants of the program. This same woman will also do overnights for either $10.00 or $25.00 depending on whether she can sleep or not because of wandering, bathroom trips or whatever. The hours she is available is somewhat limited though because she has a full time job, recently divorced and just does it for extra money. I'm sure if you do some calling around you can find someone. Maybe even call senior centers there may be people there that want to make some extra money. What about churches?
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Holy Cow, I'm curious. What are your Mom's medical problems?
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The reason why I'm asking is that I am so resentful that my mother made the choice to put herself in bed never to get out again, last Aug. and your comment on your Mom coming into your room screaming made me look at my situation a little differently. At least I know where she is ..lol
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My Dad, who suffers from dementia, heart problems, etc. has lived with my husband and me for almost 2 years now. I, too, have panic/anxiety attacks. I try to take time to myself each day but it is difficult to find the time - my alone time is ALWAYS interrupted! Our county senior center has an ongoing program for dementia/Alz patients so I do take Dad there 2 days a week (it's 4 hrs each day). Caregivers may want to check your county to see if there are any similar programs. With my panic attacks getting worse, I may have to get back on my medication but prefer not to. It is just a very difficult situation when you feel trapped all the time and feel like you don't have a life of your own anymore.
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Do not know where you live but I FINALLY found some relief through Mt, Caregivers (in northern CA) I believe there is a caregivers association in man states, It is Federally funded and if funds are available it won't cost you. I managed to get 20 hrs a month free for 3 months, they took care of mom and cleaned my house, etc so I managed to get out 5 hrs each weekend (you chose how you want your hrs,) The sad thing is it was for only 3 mos BUT IT WAS MORE THAN I HAD BEFORE --- good luck and keep searching for these programs, Also if your mom is on Medicare/Medical, etc - you can get help thru medicare - your doctor can order help (Nurse, bathing lady, etc) Wish you positive thoughts and well being -- Ours is NOT an easy task...
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Much of your story parallels mine. I have chronic pain and anxiety issues that had been pretty well managed until my mother had a stroke 1 year ago. I quit my job, moved her in with me and felt like my home was an enemy. My pain, stress, depression reached a peak after 5 months and it was BAD. After falling, my mom entered the hospital and then rehab (where she is still). By the SECOND DAY after mom's hospital admission my nausea, shakiness, brain fog / confusion, racing pulse and tendency to cry over everything DISAPPEARED. I was able to visit her daily without feeling angry, tired and stressed. Life was put back in perspective. I could enjoy her a bit more because I wasn't providing her direct care; some compassion returned.
I love my mother but I am not made to be a sole caretaker. Not everyone was born to be great at this. Mom is still in a rehab/skilled nursing facility and coming home is still up in the air BUT I have learned some things:
1) I have to have at least a little physical and emotional distance from mom in order to preserve my physical and mental health. I don't want it to be that way but well, it is. I simply can not “do it all” and stay well. And I’m going to stay well.
2) There ARE resources out there or you. Find your local Agency on Aging or senior citizen advocacy place or caregiver support group (a local hospital may know) or adult day program. Whether it’s private insurance, Medicaid, Medicare, there are funds that your mom qualifies for. My local Alzheimer’s group had a Respite Grant that helped me get in-home help so I could get OUT.
3) Continue to pursue any small or brief activity that allows you to clear your head, breathe deeply and re-center. Stick with counseling. Google “anxiety” and find simple steps to keep yours in check. YOU are in charge of your reactions to things that cause stress – they are not in charge of you. Fight it. Stick with your medicines, and doctor’s advice. Ask your doctor for herbal or over the counter items that may help with anxiety. I found it helpful to collect positive quotes, cute inspirational pictures and sayings, scripture and humorous postings – great for maintaining a hopeful attitude AND for encouraging my mother.
4) You can not do a thing for your mom if you are not healthy. Sometimes making a decision for skilled nursing or assisted living is best for you and your parent – and that distance will save your relationship.
I wish you and your family peace and well-being. In the end, family and health are the most important things. Without them intact, you can not care for mom in a way that serves her best.
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Great advice from DKOBrown!
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Louise Hay the metaphysical healer sez that you always have a choice; don't let your sisters get away with doing nothing to help your mom;

I take care of my mom who is 85 years old but she can still drive and my brother lives with her not ME right now so its easy to give advice but I do hope you develop a way to have time for yourself TRY the alzheimers association in your county; they provide FREE respite care for ca regiv er s. Just one id ea.
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May I recommend again Rescue Remedy for stress relief for yourself. I used it after my mother gets verbally abusive, or if I can't sleep, or too wired. It's very gentle. it's a flower remedy. Costs about $10-15 but that little bottle has lasted over a year.

Have a ritual that you do every day to calm down: meditation, a bath, lying in bed with a journal, drink tension tamer or camomile tea before sleep time.
Affirm peace and love for your loved one, give it to God, and affirm your own peace and joy. There are a lot of days, just doing these things is hard to do! But without those things, I would have heart palpitations and all kinds of awful stress in my mind and body.
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I am watching my Mom decline every week it seems. Walking less and less. More and more frightened of facing death. Losing the body health, bit by bit. Her stance of being defiant and proud alternate with anger and despair. I feel for her sadness but she cannot be consoled. She leaves no place or space for conversation or even a sentence. Jabbering endlessly over little things, nervous and angry, sometimes confused, always frustrated, laughing with sarcasm and self pity. Trying to be a Mensch, a soldier, a martyr, a victim, but alas no more my friend, and no more a mother to me. I've already lost her and now I must stand by and watch as she goes down blaming me and refusing help at the same time.

But if I am alone and not thinking of her, my natural self is back and quite content, although my own life has fallen apart: poverty and fear of homelessness. Finally facing my life, I had to make my mother understand I can't drive her around to everything anymore. She has to find others to help her. I am job hunting and will be happy for whatever I get now.

I have taken steps to be on waiting lists for elder housing myself, and low income housing. I know things will get better: keeping a distance from Mom has helped me a lot and low and behold, yes, she found others to help her after all. She knows I am there for her but she can't expect me to be at her beck and call now.

A balance of life, a balance of love, a balance of self and caring for someone else, must be in place, or restored over and over. I believe in the order of things and trust that greater design, no matter how I grieve.
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blkkat: I am in Los Angeles area. It is called Mt. Caregivers? What do you have to do to qualify? Now I wonder if they are around here?
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