Hi everyone. Long story that I will keep short-ish. After being estranged for several years, about a year ago dad and stepmom contacted me. His kidney disease reached end stage, he wasn’t going on dialysis, and wanted to come visit. Then stepmom says she can’t take care of him. I agreed to have him come live with me and my family as they live 1,000 miles away so, I can’t help him there. Expected he would pass within months. I don’t want to offer money for them to hire care because I can’t really afford it and I don’t trust her to not just take it for herself. Being far away, I couldn’t verify it was being put to proper use.
Dad comes up and I get him set up with docs. No sign of recurrence of the bladder cancer that damaged kidneys. Kidney function poor, but not showing severe symptoms. Arthritic knees and in poor physical shape, had a few falls. He is happy as a clam because apparently his wife was making him miserable; we are nice to him and mostly leave him alone. He can sit around all day watching TV. My sister lives nearby but they remain estranged. His wife lives alone but off of their full, combined SS checks. They have debt and no assets except some home equity. I am taking care of nearly all his living and medical expenses but he does have good insurance from a prior employer.
A few months in the trouble starts. He is hospitalized with an infection (uses a nephrostomy permanently so prone to this). Shortly after release he is back in hospital with both onset of uremia (hallucinations) and abdominal pain that turns out to be a colon stricture. So emergency dialysis and a colostomy, yes now all of his waste comes out in bags. Took a few months to recover from surgery and he receives dialysis now.
After he came up we had talked about dialysis and his reasoning for not wanting it was flimsy. “I have cancer.” No you don’t. “We can’t afford it.” I’ll pay for it (his out of pocket max for a year is only $1k). “I wont have quality of life.” You just go there and sit and watch TV, the same thing you’re doing anyway. I needed to hear him say that he was ready to die, but he wouldn’t say that. I feel his wife didn’t want him hanging around on dialysis so she convinced him he didn’t want it. The main reason to get him up here was so he could make decisions for himself.
So where am I going with this? Dad’s health is stable now and he will live for many years with dialysis. He’s here now not because he needs our caregiving, but because he is broke and he and his wife are miserable living together. He’s not a bad person but he drives us a little nuts by leaving messes in his wake (food and feces) and just being in our space all the time. But if I try to tell him that it’s time to figure out how to get him back in his home with his wife, I know he would first argue about how his needs can’t be met (they live in a very remote area and won’t figure out how to make it work someplace where dialysis is available) and ultimately would choose to just stop treatment and die.
So, I can either let him stay here and mooch while he passes all his income to his wife, or he will effectively kill himself.
I appreciate that so many here have it so much worse. But, I feel like I’m even more resentful because the care I’m providing (I do take him to doctors, order all his ostomy supplies, and of course room and board) is worse because he and his wife could manage if they tried and made some sacrifices, they just prefer to take from me and my family. My poor wife is at her wits end.
Anyway, if anyone sees a way out here I am all ears. Did I screw up by challenging him to make his own choice about dialysis? Am I just stuck for the next 5 or more years?
Figure out how much he is costing you monthly and tell him you fully expect him to pay for his room and board and his own supplies.
Why should she get his money when she won't take care of him. Not on my watch. Dad pays for himself, whether they like it or not.
Otherwise, he is taking advantage and that is not okay, not after years of estrangement.
Look up FOG, fear, guilt and obligation, this is what your dad is doing to you.
If he has little money, he can move into senior housing that is government assisted and they determine what you can afford to pay. My MIL was only paying like $200 a month cuz her SS was all she had and it wasn't much.
When he needs extra help, he can hire aides.
You should not be spending any of your money on his care. It is HIS responsibility, not yours. You are entitled to spend or save your money as you see fit.
Keep your wife in first place, not your dad.
Thats not "tough love" it's an honest question.
It boils down to priorities. Why is his life more important than yours?
Why is it ok that he lounge around all day making messes in your house while you clean up and pay the bills? Because he's "sickly" and a Nice Guy?
Dad and step mom don't have to be Bad People to be taking advantage of your kindness. They're just Super Selfish People.
Your wife is not really a "saint" because nobody mortal is, she does have a breaking point, you just haven't crossed it yet. You might not want to, either, because it may not be pretty if you do. You have a special needs child too? These two people need to be your top priority in life...not dad. That's what you signed up for as a husband and a father.
It's all fine and well to help others who are truly in need. I just don't see where dad is truly in need of your help. He's just very very comfy and not giving a care that he's disrupting your life.
If you cut dad off and he chooses to die, I'd be shocked. But if he did, that would be HIS choice, and another poor one at that, which has nothing to do with you. We all make choices in life and then must live with the consequences. Unless we have a really big hearted son to bail us out, is what you're saying here. My mother was "dying" for the entirety of my 6+ decades of life. She lived to 95 years old, in spite of her insisting otherwise. Oh, she gave me 1000s of stomach aches over the years worrying about her "impending death" but all that happened was ulcers and a chronically bad gut for ME.
I have 2 children, my son is probably your age. I'm a Nice Gal too, but I would NEVER impose myself on he and his wife if my marriage went south and I chose not to take proper care of myself, etc. That's a horribly selfish thing to do, no matter how you cut the mustard! Where's DAD'S responsibility in all this? And step moms??? Why are YOU the only one feeling guilty enough to absorb all this baggage he's loaded on your back? Do you not see that?
Please see that you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty for dad. He's ok now and able to go back to his own home. If his wife doesn't like that idea, she can divorce him. You can't because he's your father. Keep your relationship with him intact by making him go home now, before the resentment builds up in you, before you lose YOUR marriage, before it's too late.
You came here for advice. I suggest you take it and not keep looking for excuses why dad should keep living with you and why you owe him more than you've already given him. Make him live his own life now, and you live yours. That's the best thing you can do for BOTH of you! You gave him a lot already, you did good. You're a good son. Let it be enough.
Good luck.
Pack up his stuff and take him back to his wife. If he decides to “die”, that’s his right, his decision. You have been estranged…your sibling is still. You have invited him into your home, now you uninvite him. He is using you. His wife is using him. You and your family do not need to be a part of this cycle. Remember he and his wife are the ones who took the vows “in sickness and health”. She’s probably thinking she’s got it made, his check, but no him, no mess etc.
Let him and his wife figure out their marriage issues and his health. They can get a divorce if they don’t want to be married. He can go into assisted living or a nursing home if he can’t take care of himself. Give him no warning, just get him and his bare essentials in the car. Drive him back to his wife. Do not give his wife warning. Pack up and ship him any other belongings when you get back home after dropping him off. Sounds harsh? Reality often is harsh.
Your father is not living with his wife. He is entitled to his own income. Get it sorted - if you don't know where to start, I'd try the social security office that administers their benefits, you should be able to find contact details online.
Once he is in control of his own money (it sounds as if he is not mentally impaired, just emotionally) then you can address his living situation. You are creating a false either/or choice there: of course it not the case that he must either drain you and your wife and your family for the foreseeable future or die horribly.
What is communication with his wife like at this point? - because she is also going to have to address the point that if she doesn't want her chronically ill husband living with her then she will need to live on her own income. She can't have it both ways.
I think you're going to need some legal advice, by the way. Possibly also some counselling - how long were they married? Because what you describe suggests that madam has done a real number on his social relationships and his confidence.
She doesn't get dads social security if dad doesn't come with it, period.
I would not be held hostage by their wants. She wants all the money and he wants to live free of charge in your house with you and your family taking care of him, while he gets left alone to watch TV all-day, everyday. Oh and he wants to be a pig in the process.
Yep, you are allowing your family and yourself to be held hostage to the two of them.
Quite honestly, I think you were completely played and this arraignment was the plan all along.
I am curious if all the familial estrangement is because of the wife. Care to share why your dad was and is estranged from his children?
My dad chose a really selfish thang to be his wife. When she decided that she wasn't going to take care of him, he called me for help with BIG stories. I believed him, I live in a different state, I had no idea what the reality was. So we move him into our house with the idea, from his mouth, to give him a place while he finds a place of his own. Said he needed a couple months to save the money. Well, he ends up in the hospital and I have access to his finances. He had set it up to pay for this pos to live, while he mooched off us. I promise you she was mighty surprised to find out that her ex-husband cancelled all of the auto pays that made her life so easy. He was diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome, she had abused him into submission, she just didn't count on me.
It sounds like your dad is a bit afraid of his wife and that means you need to intervene. You need to tell him that he gets his money to live, wherever that might be, period.
I, personally, would give him a ride to the bank to set up a new account and then to the SSA office to change the auto deposit account information. If he says no, you report her for stealing his SS.
Right now, your family is paying for the consequences of his choices. That is not acceptable and you need to put a stop to it.
People that use the threat of killing themselves are total pos and quite frankly, shut up and do it already. Because the ones that use it as leverage, don't have the guts to do it. It's all about manipulation and FOG.
You feel used because you are.
Couldn't agree more.
This is blackmail. It is the highest level of manipulation.
Call it out.
He's not even shooting himself in the foot, let alone suicide, he's aiming the gun at you and your family.
If not, start talking with her to make a plan you can both agree on.
Otherwise, how does being a single guy living with your Dad sound?
You have a lot to lose. Think about it.
If I was the wife here, seeing my family time, finances & comfort being drained away to enable Dad's comfort - because my DH was deep in F.O.G. Could not say no to a parent..
I would turn the Tough Love onto my Husband. Start on an exit plan to move Dad out in a timely manner or you both go.
If Dad is threatening stopping dialysis to get his way - call this what it is. *It is a suicide threat for manipulation*.
Take it seriously by all means. Report this asap to his Doctor.
Nice means polite & kind.
It is polite to speak with respectlful honesty to your Dad & it is kind to help him find the medical support & mental health support he needs.
Nice does not mean being a doormat.
YOUR family comes first. Get your father out of your house (so what if it's a SNF?). His problems with your stepmother are not your problems.
There is NO WAY I'd be cleaning up someone's feces. YOU HAVE A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. That child takes priority over your father. How much MORE do you think you can dump on your poor wife?
Let's be real here - your father's income should be used for HIS care. She has her's - that can go to her - fine. But HIS - needs to be coming to him for HIS care. Period. I would get that sorted out yesterday if he is going to remain with you. YOU shouldn't be worrying about having to pay for his care - even if you have the funds to do so.
Your poor wife is at her wits end...because you said it yourself "They just prefer to take from you and your family" and they will take whatever you will give for as long as you will give it. "So I can either let him stay here and mooch while he passes all his income to his wife, or he will effectively kill himself." This is called FOG....as someone else mentioned - Fear, Obligation and Guilt and it is very dangerous. People use it to manipulate others to do what they want.
You have your own family to provide for. You have a child with special needs - who I am sure is getting wonderful care from you and your wife - but to my mind - your father is taking away time and funds that should be preserved for your child and your family in general.
He is cognitively sound. You are worried that if you weren't doing what you are doing he would choose to not take care of himself and effectively choose to die - correct? I know that is incredibly blunt but to be fair - he is perfectly capable of making his own choices as long as he is cognitively sound. He is doing what he is doing so that you will take the responsibility on your shoulders. HE is perfectly able to do the right thing. He wants you to do it for him. He could do what you are doing but won't. If he wants to live he could do exactly what you are doing. You couldn't force this on him if he didn't want it. He is using that to play on your FOG to make sure he is taken care of. If you stopped doing this and he chooses not to continue taking care of himself - THAT is not on you. That is on him.
Example: Diabetics know what they can and cannot eat. My FIL is a diabetic. But I can promise you, if you put a healthy meal and a non-healthy meal in front of him he will take the non-healthy one every single time. But that is his choice. My SIL does her best to give him good options. But given the choice, he will take the bad option every single time. That isn't on her - she provides good options - if he gets his hands on bad ones - he eats them - hands down. And then he wonders why his blood sugar gets wonky and tries to blame her. Nope...not her fault - you chose what to eat.
Same deal. Your father can make the right decisions. He will just decide not to do so. That is not your fault. And you have to make the right decisions for your life, independent of what you think he will do if you aren't there ensuring that HE is making good choices. He has a right to make his own choices, not matter how ridiculous they are. And if he would make bad choices if you weren't there doing things for him - unfortunately -that is up to him.
If he can't live independently - that is not necessarily up to you to facilitate either. HE has income that he could use to qualify him for help but as long he has you to prop him up he isn't going to take responsibility for that and he will lean on you to take care of him for as long as possible. So if you do intend to continue to take on the responsibility, I would gently suggest that you at least ensure that he is getting his income redirected. Stepmother shouldn't be getting both incomes if she isn't responsible for caring for him any longer!
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