Feeling used by my father. Any advice?

You know you're being used. Worse, your wife and your family are sacrificing for this. If you haven't asked her or she hasn't been vocal about it, please ask your wife if this situation is what she chooses. If she is okay with having him live with you, ask her what conditions need to be met to keep her quality of life as she wants. I certainly hope you are already doing the majority of whatever work is required for his care. Her plate is already full (as is yours) with a special needs child.

Ideally he should be paying his own expenses and contributing at least to food for the household. He has income; it's selfish for him to use it strictly to keep his wife out of his hair. If you are wealthy you might not care but if not, your income is needed for your family.

Personally I could not live with this situation, but I realize everyone is different and has their own threshold of what is too much. One last thought, your dad isn't going to get more thoughtful as he ages, just the opposite. Most elderly become more and more self-centered as their world narrows, and for those that were self-centered as a younger person, it's a foregone conclusion.

I wish you the best in working out the right solution.

I would revisit the agreement, say your family were willing to step in temporarily, but your resources (both, time, emotional, space and money) are finite and it’s time to come up with plans for the future. Dad’s health is stable. He now has a different perspective to make choices about dialysis. HIS CHOICES. You’ve made your decision. Your family needs their home back, would love to support in a more hands off way. What would he like tk do? Staying as it is is now off the table. Tough conversation to have, but approach as a parent doing what is right and best for his family unit. Detach with love,

He - and you - have to decide on a few issues:

1 - Does he want to stay married if he doesn't live with his wife? Probably not, Help him to a "no fault" divorce lawyer to end that drama.

2 - Do you intend to care for his ever increasing health needs? Maybe, but talk with your family about it and other options: adult day care on non-dialysis days, assisted living, skilled nursing care at home of facility...

3 - Do you intend to continue footing the bill for his needs until he passes? Doesn't seem fair. Since he has insurance and some money coming in, he should pay for as much of it as he can. Decide with him what he should cover and what you will supplement.

You might be living with a narcissist. I would find out about narcs, and what you can do about to change your response to it. (Codependant) and a doormat. To get yourself out of the hole you are in and establish boundries bc you have none. You need help. I know I did. I watched a ton of vids and learned to say no, and stand up for myself. Did I feel guilty, sure. They trained you that way. But I felt the guilt, and did it anyway and finally stood up for myself.
How to stop being a people pleaser.

https://youtu.be/W8BXMeffczc



https://youtu.be/W8BXMeffczc

There’s a way out, but it doesn’t sound like you are ready to hear it

Pack up his stuff and take him back to his wife. If he decides to “die”, that’s his right, his decision. You have been estranged…your sibling is still. You have invited him into your home, now you uninvite him. He is using you. His wife is using him. You and your family do not need to be a part of this cycle. Remember he and his wife are the ones who took the vows “in sickness and health”. She’s probably thinking she’s got it made, his check, but no him, no mess etc.

Let him and his wife figure out their marriage issues and his health. They can get a divorce if they don’t want to be married. He can go into assisted living or a nursing home if he can’t take care of himself. Give him no warning, just get him and his bare essentials in the car. Drive him back to his wife. Do not give his wife warning. Pack up and ship him any other belongings when you get back home after dropping him off. Sounds harsh? Reality often is harsh.

Another suggestion buy the wife a car and tell her to get driving lessons and pack up Dads bags - she is too lazy to care for him and it seems he just wants to sit and watch TV . These people are not your problem .

Basically they both conned you. Told you he was dying to get you to take him in. Now he will live for years or decades maybe.
Id cut off money, and tell him to use his own first. Why are you being a martyr? All because you wanted a nice father son relationship. Your not getting that are you? You set a precedence that you will use your money, all your time for all of his needs. Forget your family. Why are you feeling so guilty about him? If you are estranged, sounds like this guy was a jerk. Most people are estranged bc they are narcissists and out their needs first ahead of the children. What he is doing to you now. Sounds like he lied right to you. If he was a loving father, I could see you opening your home to him. But to lie about something big like that. Wow.
Why are you letting the wife off scott free? It's sickness and in health. Not in health, and pawn you off when sick. You just made her life nice and easy, and his nice as well. He knows you will do all the heavy lifting for him. Why? He's using you as free live in 24/7 cna service. Why does your family take a back seat?
Why did you not ask for his money for living expenses up front first? I'd cut it off. I'd say you need his entire check. He needs to arrange it. If he says no, I'd look into how you can move him out. He's not even helping you care for him, and he has the money to do so. Being a complete jerk and using you. Why does his wife get to be queen bee and come first before anyone? Why do you cater to her by taking total responsibility to your dad. And when he dies do you think you will get part of the house as inheritance? I bet you won't see anything. I wouldn't even trust if he promised you something, bc all 3 of you decided the wife comes first and you dead last. I would give him one week to get that check to you. I'd start turning off lights and TV to save money. Inflation. I'd offer 1 meal a day until he gets that money to you for his care. But you have to stop feeling guilty and get a backbone. You allowed this to happen. Only you can fix it. And you will have temper tantrums from 2 adults bc you made their lives very easy. They will not want it to change. And queen bee comes first. If they didn't live near services, they should have moved.
You need to get over wanting a wonderful father son relationship you never had. You don't have it now. You are an unpaid servant. You have to stop whining and fix it. At least get the money to help you pay for him. What about money for your retirement?
You need to stop the gravy train. Don't take excuses from the wife. Tell her he'll be dumped at airport with plane ticket. She doesn't know you won't do that.

Your being used by your Dad and wife . Cut the cord and let him go back to the wife or find a good nursing home . This guy is really not your problem .

I would suggest a senior house.

He should get separated or divorced from her. Start getting HIS money again. She can't just refuse to take care of him and suffer no consequences.

If he has little money, he can move into senior housing that is government assisted and they determine what you can afford to pay. My MIL was only paying like $200 a month cuz her SS was all she had and it wasn't much.

When he needs extra help, he can hire aides.

You should not be spending any of your money on his care. It is HIS responsibility, not yours. You are entitled to spend or save your money as you see fit.

Keep your wife in first place, not your dad.

NiceGuy, is your Wife accepting of living with Dad in your home permanently?

If not, start talking with her to make a plan you can both agree on.

Otherwise, how does being a single guy living with your Dad sound?

You have a lot to lose. Think about it.

If I was the wife here, seeing my family time, finances & comfort being drained away to enable Dad's comfort - because my DH was deep in F.O.G. Could not say no to a parent..

I would turn the Tough Love onto my Husband. Start on an exit plan to move Dad out in a timely manner or you both go.

If Dad is threatening stopping dialysis to get his way - call this what it is. *It is a suicide threat for manipulation*.
Take it seriously by all means. Report this asap to his Doctor.

Nice means polite & kind.

It is polite to speak with respectlful honesty to your Dad & it is kind to help him find the medical support & mental health support he needs.

Nice does not mean being a doormat.

You say that if you “make him uncomfortable one way or another, at a certain point will result in him choosing to die”. If you seriously think that Dad’s suicide threat is on the level, you should call 911 and report him as a suicide risk. Professionals will then evaluate him.

Suicide threats, ‘you’ll be happy when I’m dead’, ‘I might just as well walk under a bus” etc etc etc, are a standard manipulation and control technique reported by many other posters. They are rarely on the level. If you think he is, why haven’t you asked for professional help? What is your wife's 'line in the sand'? You say that your "poor wife is at her wits end" already.

You also say that you “know my dad and his wife are responsible for the poor choices that have lead them to this point (including the decision to marry each other in the first place)”. “What I really want” may end up with you saying much the same thing about your own ‘poor choices’. Do you expect your children to rescue you?

So, I guess all that you want is for him to say, ok you my son are right? I will do as you ask.

Me, I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for that, he has shown you who he is believe him.

He can't afford to live on his own, so then he needs to move back home with his wife, they combine their funds and go about the business of living their life and you do the same.

Honestly, this entire matter does not make much sense to me. IMO, the solution is right there in front of you.

Good Luck

Just curious, why did you post what you did if you think you should continue to help him, by keeping him in your home with him not paying anything and letting the problematic stepmother keep all of his income?

Did you just want to argue about others opinions of what you posted?

You aren't looking for a way out. You are looking for affirmation that you did the right thing. Only you and your family can answer that.

You said his wife and him could manage if they made sacrifices then you need to have honest talk with Dad.
Understand you are concerned about him not getting dialysis
around his place, but, are you absolutely sure that is accurate? Understand you don’t want to be responsible for his demise.
But you are not responsible for his marriage, how or why they stay together. Just honest talk with them, how they see their future. Give them specific time to come up with some solutions, selling property, moving closer to certain facilities.

The question is, what's MORE important? Your marriage and your life with your wife and child, or making dad comfy so he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself or face life with his own wife in his own home while paying his own bills?

Thats not "tough love" it's an honest question.

It boils down to priorities. Why is his life more important than yours?
Why is it ok that he lounge around all day making messes in your house while you clean up and pay the bills? Because he's "sickly" and a Nice Guy?

Dad and step mom don't have to be Bad People to be taking advantage of your kindness. They're just Super Selfish People.

Your wife is not really a "saint" because nobody mortal is, she does have a breaking point, you just haven't crossed it yet. You might not want to, either, because it may not be pretty if you do. You have a special needs child too? These two people need to be your top priority in life...not dad. That's what you signed up for as a husband and a father.

It's all fine and well to help others who are truly in need. I just don't see where dad is truly in need of your help. He's just very very comfy and not giving a care that he's disrupting your life.

If you cut dad off and he chooses to die, I'd be shocked. But if he did, that would be HIS choice, and another poor one at that, which has nothing to do with you. We all make choices in life and then must live with the consequences. Unless we have a really big hearted son to bail us out, is what you're saying here. My mother was "dying" for the entirety of my 6+ decades of life. She lived to 95 years old, in spite of her insisting otherwise. Oh, she gave me 1000s of stomach aches over the years worrying about her "impending death" but all that happened was ulcers and a chronically bad gut for ME.

I have 2 children, my son is probably your age. I'm a Nice Gal too, but I would NEVER impose myself on he and his wife if my marriage went south and I chose not to take proper care of myself, etc. That's a horribly selfish thing to do, no matter how you cut the mustard! Where's DAD'S responsibility in all this? And step moms??? Why are YOU the only one feeling guilty enough to absorb all this baggage he's loaded on your back? Do you not see that?

Please see that you've already gone above and beyond the call of duty for dad. He's ok now and able to go back to his own home. If his wife doesn't like that idea, she can divorce him. You can't because he's your father. Keep your relationship with him intact by making him go home now, before the resentment builds up in you, before you lose YOUR marriage, before it's too late.

You came here for advice. I suggest you take it and not keep looking for excuses why dad should keep living with you and why you owe him more than you've already given him. Make him live his own life now, and you live yours. That's the best thing you can do for BOTH of you! You gave him a lot already, you did good. You're a good son. Let it be enough.

Good luck.

Your Father is your Mother's problem.
HOWEVER, you took him on.
Once you move a senior into your home it is extremely difficult to undo that.
Basically your post here serves as a warning to others.
You will need now to have a hard discussion with your Father and your stepmom. Tell stepmom she should see an attorney to speak about division of assets so that your father can go into nursing home or board and care care, and her own assets can be protected. IF the resources are all your Dad's this may be incentive for stepMom to step up to give care.
Basically I am hard-butted enough I would deliver Dad back home to his own home and his own wife. From there I would offer her assistance in placing him; it is up to them what they do.
You did allow this to happen. I would just like to tell you that it will be really difficult to unwind once you brought him into your home. You might consider seeing an Elder Law Attorney to discuss options before you mediate with your stepMom, your Father, and your own family together.
Sue do wish you luck. You have painted yourself into a really tough corner.

Return him back to his home with his wife. The ball is in your court, do what is best for your family. You are only stuck if you allow yourself to be.

Thanks everyone for the replies so far. It feels good just to have a place to share what is happening and get some feelings out.

I should say that I don't think my dad or his wife are bad people, though I could see how it would come across that way. Their relationship is pretty dysfunctional (which is the main reason we were estranged, conflict with his wife, and my sister remains estranged) and I think they both have some mental health/depression challenges. But I do think they care about each other. She did care for him when having surgery to remove the cancer. I resolved that I would avoid interacting with his wife when he came up, and I have only spoken to her when he was hospitalized, but she genuinely seemed to care about him.

My wife is a saint; if she were on here she'd be "Nice Gal In Last". That is a lot of how we connect - on the deepest level we are aligned in wanting to help others.

I know my dad and his wife are responsible for the poor choices that have lead them to this point (including the decision to marry each other in the first place - they hadn't been together very long and I don't think really knew what they were getting into with the other). But does that mean I shouldn't help them if I am able? If nobody helped someone else in situations where they might be taken advantage of, I suspect people wouldn't help each other very often...

The tough approach many are advocating for here, which again I appreciate, I think wouldn't achieve what I really want. I want my dad to look at this situation and say, "This isn't right. I'm going to talk to my wife and tell her we need to make changes so we can take care of our needs ourselves, so my son and daughter-in-law can be the best parents and spouses that they can be." But its a dream. He's not a bad person, but he's not particularly thoughtful or caring for others. When he does something nice for someone else there's generally a self-interest element to it, even if that is to just get a nagging wife off his back. His motivations are to be comfortable and not harassed. And if he lives with his wife he can't have that (even if its because of his own poor decisions). So he won't do it. He's not ready to die so long as he can be comfortable. But he's not willing to be uncomfortable to keep living.

I've thought that perhaps we just need to make our house a less comfortable situation...but I'm not sure how to do that. I could harass him for money but, while he doesn't know details of our finances, he can tell that we can easily afford his expenses (obviously assisted living, or even funding a traditional apartment and independent living expenses, is an order of magnitude higher that we can't afford for a long term). We've stopped driving him to dialysis and now he uses the senior transportation service. I am signing him up to go to our local senior center on his dialysis off days to at least get him out of the house. That didn't take too much convincing since they offer lunch.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't want him to die; I want him to change. But he won't change. So I either have to keep him comfortable so he'll continue to choose to live, or make him uncomfortable one way or another, which at a certain point will result in him choosing to die. I think many here are saying its his choice so I shouldn't feel bad, but how could you not feel bad about a parent choosing to die? (Painful terminal illness excepted.) Especially if you can prevent it? I would carry that weight the rest of my life.

NGIL, it doesn't matter what his wife is or how she wants to live.

She doesn't get dads social security if dad doesn't come with it, period.

I would not be held hostage by their wants. She wants all the money and he wants to live free of charge in your house with you and your family taking care of him, while he gets left alone to watch TV all-day, everyday. Oh and he wants to be a pig in the process.

Yep, you are allowing your family and yourself to be held hostage to the two of them.

Quite honestly, I think you were completely played and this arraignment was the plan all along.

I am curious if all the familial estrangement is because of the wife. Care to share why your dad was and is estranged from his children?

My dad chose a really selfish thang to be his wife. When she decided that she wasn't going to take care of him, he called me for help with BIG stories. I believed him, I live in a different state, I had no idea what the reality was. So we move him into our house with the idea, from his mouth, to give him a place while he finds a place of his own. Said he needed a couple months to save the money. Well, he ends up in the hospital and I have access to his finances. He had set it up to pay for this pos to live, while he mooched off us. I promise you she was mighty surprised to find out that her ex-husband cancelled all of the auto pays that made her life so easy. He was diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome, she had abused him into submission, she just didn't count on me.

It sounds like your dad is a bit afraid of his wife and that means you need to intervene. You need to tell him that he gets his money to live, wherever that might be, period.

I, personally, would give him a ride to the bank to set up a new account and then to the SSA office to change the auto deposit account information. If he says no, you report her for stealing his SS.

Right now, your family is paying for the consequences of his choices. That is not acceptable and you need to put a stop to it.

People that use the threat of killing themselves are total pos and quite frankly, shut up and do it already. Because the ones that use it as leverage, don't have the guts to do it. It's all about manipulation and FOG.

You feel used because you are.

Why is she getting all of his Social Security?
He should be getting his and using it to pay for his care. (and that can mean paying you for the care you give as well as his share of household expenses)
(By the way if he is a Veteran he may very well be eligible for help from the VA. It might be a little or in his case it could be a LOT.)
If there is no intention of him returning to his "wife" why not get a divorce? (unless it is financially better if they remain married)
I think it is time to have a sit down talk with dad about what his next steps should be. And getting the Social Security checks deposited into an account that he opens at a nearby bank if he does not return to his "home"
And maybe begin looking for an appropriate residence for dad. Either Senior housing or a small condo or apartment.

I would not be tempted one iota to get involved in their marriage.

I would spell it out to Dad clear & simple.

Where you live is YOUR responsibility. If your wife cannot care for you, you must arrange alternatives.
I am your son.
I am not your Wife.
I am not your nurse either.
You must move out.

On a slightly softer note - I can see you are in crises. Health & marriage. I cannot fix either. How about we call Lifeline, Area of Aging, the Doctor & get some contacts for counselling. So you can discuss your options.

These may be: going home, back to hospital (if acutely unwell), some sort of respitecare/rehab or a SNH.

But you cannot live here permanently.

Regarding his wife:
Sounds like she panicked or got burnt out. Maybe they would be OK with more help? But if she is a hermit-like, anxious-dislike-any-change type, she may not be as open or flexible to asking for help or allowing it into her home to allow. Also unwilling to consider moving somewhere more appropriate together. You cannot fix that. But that is for them to work out.

Ouch, he really has you right where he wants you - she said as gently as possible. It sounds like you are a very kind-hearted individual - truly. But you say you are feeling used - it's because you are, if I'm honest. At the very least by your stepmother.

Let's be real here - your father's income should be used for HIS care. She has her's - that can go to her - fine. But HIS - needs to be coming to him for HIS care. Period. I would get that sorted out yesterday if he is going to remain with you. YOU shouldn't be worrying about having to pay for his care - even if you have the funds to do so.

Your poor wife is at her wits end...because you said it yourself "They just prefer to take from you and your family" and they will take whatever you will give for as long as you will give it. "So I can either let him stay here and mooch while he passes all his income to his wife, or he will effectively kill himself." This is called FOG....as someone else mentioned - Fear, Obligation and Guilt and it is very dangerous. People use it to manipulate others to do what they want.

You have your own family to provide for. You have a child with special needs - who I am sure is getting wonderful care from you and your wife - but to my mind - your father is taking away time and funds that should be preserved for your child and your family in general.

He is cognitively sound. You are worried that if you weren't doing what you are doing he would choose to not take care of himself and effectively choose to die - correct? I know that is incredibly blunt but to be fair - he is perfectly capable of making his own choices as long as he is cognitively sound. He is doing what he is doing so that you will take the responsibility on your shoulders. HE is perfectly able to do the right thing. He wants you to do it for him. He could do what you are doing but won't. If he wants to live he could do exactly what you are doing. You couldn't force this on him if he didn't want it. He is using that to play on your FOG to make sure he is taken care of. If you stopped doing this and he chooses not to continue taking care of himself - THAT is not on you. That is on him.

Example: Diabetics know what they can and cannot eat. My FIL is a diabetic. But I can promise you, if you put a healthy meal and a non-healthy meal in front of him he will take the non-healthy one every single time. But that is his choice. My SIL does her best to give him good options. But given the choice, he will take the bad option every single time. That isn't on her - she provides good options - if he gets his hands on bad ones - he eats them - hands down. And then he wonders why his blood sugar gets wonky and tries to blame her. Nope...not her fault - you chose what to eat.

Same deal. Your father can make the right decisions. He will just decide not to do so. That is not your fault. And you have to make the right decisions for your life, independent of what you think he will do if you aren't there ensuring that HE is making good choices. He has a right to make his own choices, not matter how ridiculous they are. And if he would make bad choices if you weren't there doing things for him - unfortunately -that is up to him.

If he can't live independently - that is not necessarily up to you to facilitate either. HE has income that he could use to qualify him for help but as long he has you to prop him up he isn't going to take responsibility for that and he will lean on you to take care of him for as long as possible. So if you do intend to continue to take on the responsibility, I would gently suggest that you at least ensure that he is getting his income redirected. Stepmother shouldn't be getting both incomes if she isn't responsible for caring for him any longer!

As SnoopyLove emphasized, your poor wife!!!!!!

YOUR family comes first. Get your father out of your house (so what if it's a SNF?). His problems with your stepmother are not your problems.

There is NO WAY I'd be cleaning up someone's feces. YOU HAVE A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD. That child takes priority over your father. How much MORE do you think you can dump on your poor wife?

it seems sorting out the finances and getting part of your dad's ss check is the only option here, and perhaps some of that can be used to hire some part-time in-home caregiving? also if he would qualify for senior transport and other services etc in his house he'd qualify for them at your house as well, no? it's a fair amount of work to research and set up but if your dad isn't horrible to be around (aside from the colostomy mess) i wouldn't punish him by sending him back to live with someone who makes him miserable. if some in-home care can be sorted, even just a few hours a day, that could help a lot.

Good grief.

Your father is not living with his wife. He is entitled to his own income. Get it sorted - if you don't know where to start, I'd try the social security office that administers their benefits, you should be able to find contact details online.

Once he is in control of his own money (it sounds as if he is not mentally impaired, just emotionally) then you can address his living situation. You are creating a false either/or choice there: of course it not the case that he must either drain you and your wife and your family for the foreseeable future or die horribly.

What is communication with his wife like at this point? - because she is also going to have to address the point that if she doesn't want her chronically ill husband living with her then she will need to live on her own income. She can't have it both ways.

I think you're going to need some legal advice, by the way. Possibly also some counselling - how long were they married? Because what you describe suggests that madam has done a real number on his social relationships and his confidence.

“He’s holding a gun to his own head and saying that he’ll shoot as the ultimate leverage”. If he shoots himself, he’s done it himself. You aren’t responsible. He has many options besides suicide, he just thinks that bludging off you is his best option. And it is! You have to ignore the leverage and get him out. He can then work out what to do himself. It might take a homeless shelter before he believes you, but that’s your ‘way out’.

He's not even shooting himself in the foot, let alone suicide, he's aiming the gun at you and your family.

I get the feeling of being stuck in a situation and feeling like you are responsible for the decisions someone else makes or for the situation they are in. Who is responsible for the decision you are making to let your stepmom dictate how you and your family are living right now though? That is the harder answer to realize. This is what I am having to face, too. I may have thought I was helping or doing the right thing, even though I felt forced into it, but in hindsight I dont think it helped at all and just added a bunch more crap on top of my already heaping plate. Sometimes just saying right up front saves everyone.

“My poor wife is at her wits end.”

Shouldn’t she and your special needs child (and any other children you have) be your first priority? What does she say about the situation? Is she having difficulty with the idea of potentially years ahead of her of her family being held hostage by step-mom marriage troubles, dialysis, guilt-tripping and mooching?

PS I love your screen name! I can relate and truly no good deed goes unpunished. Hope you can figure a way out of this situation.

"Anyway if anyone sees a way out here I am all ears".

Glad you are reaching out for help. Even if just to a bunch of randoms over the net.. keep reaching. Area of Aging, Lifeline, your local GP, councelling - keep going until you do find advice that sits well with you.

"Did I screw up by challenging him to make his own choice about dialysis?".

No, I wouldn't say 'screwed up'. You gave the man respect & the freedom to choose. He CAN choose dialysis over fading out.. but what he CAN'T choose is you & Wife to be his Life Solution: his handmaidens, bill payers & home providers.

** He needs to take responsibility for his choice now **

"Am I just stuck for the next 5 or more years?"
No.

The facts as I see them.
1. Dad's relationship broke down. (She really did pull a fast one there..).
2. Dad has health needs preventing him living independently. Cannot self-care or arrange own accom & homecare supports.

If you took your home & your hands-on help out of the equation - what's left?

Skilled Nursing Home or Assisted Living are his real world options. He must do that.