My Mother is in assisted living now for about 3 years and has dementia, with her short term memory pretty bad. She is able to be physically mobile but chooses to lie in bed all day. I have been told that dementia leads people to seek comfort and security which often means the bedroom.
She won’t engage in the activities there and thinks they are silly. She won’t make friends. Yet she complains of having nothing to do and feeling useless. She won’t help herself by choosing to engage. I work full time but even pre-Covid when I was there to visit I couldn’t get her to go to activities there with me. I have left her mending to do per her request, or knitting projects for the homeless but she is not self-directed enough to complete these tasks which she is still able to do. She always says “thanks, I’ll do it later today’. and never will as she forgets. We have her in individual PT to help retain mobility, and have asked them to try their best to get her to group PT and not give her a choice. That is the problem - they can’t make her if she says no, which is what she does if she pins them and asks “does she have to do it”. She is a rule follower and doesn’t give them trouble if something is not required, but intelligent enough to ask that question. Her days are long and boring and it breaks my heart. My logical mind says “well, if she won’t help herself...” but a dementia mind is not a logical mind. Thanks for any thoughts or encouragement. We can get her out now 2x a week at least!
She herself doesn't understand why she feels so unable to get up and get moving. She herself genuinely thinks a little light mending would help to pass the time. She would no doubt be the first to agree that idleness is next to ungodliness, and she herself, when thinking or talking about her typical day, thinks it must be desperately boring and tedious.
But while the inner spirit is willing, the flesh (and especially the heart and brain) is worn out, dog tired, and content to nap in its nice comfy chair.
Exercise will do her good, the PT should be offered, but there is a fine line to draw, and it gets increasingly tricky to find.
Can they link the PT to a purpose, perhaps? E.g. there's a lot more point to getting up and using your walking frame if you're going to lunch, or to look at something in the gardens. This morning I - not tricked, let's say encouraged - a client to walk the long way round from her stairlift to her armchair partly to loosen up her legs a bit, and partly to get her engaged in her breakfast prep (I haven't got her on my round tomorrow or I'd work on step two - get the milk out of the fridge).
But whatever ruses you come up with, remember that all of this team effort is intended to be for her benefit. Your logical mind would be kinder if it told you "if she's happy, I'm happy" - and allowed her happy to look different from what it used to when she was firing on all cylinders.
Is this behavior out of character for your Mom. Was she in some prior life very very social?
This isn't always a "fix it " situation. Your Mom is relatively lucky with involved and loving family and a decent place to live. I would be easy on yourself and concentrate more on your own life, and how you will live it moving forward. I sure wish you good luck.
The staff and I do the best we can to reassure and redirect, but it doesn't help much or for long. I usually take her to my home once or twice a week (I work from home and help with grandchildren), but I'm not sure if that is really helpful in her settling in process. Many here on AgingCare have told me that "safe trumps happy," and I see how that applies to my Mom more as each day passes.
I was hoping she would be happy, but the fact that she is well cared for and safe in a beautiful, clean, and active environment is a great relief.
Now I have to accept that she may never be happy, and know that I have and continue to try to do the best I can for my Mom, even if she doesn't realize it and probably never will. "One day at a time" surely applies here.
Hugs and blessings to all who are doing their very best for their loved ones.
if you could find something that gives her a spark! something that motivates her!
often it's TV, food...
reading (with dementia) becomes hard to follow, movies, conversations not easy...
but if there's something that could give her joy.
for some people it's petting animals...
you said she can go out 2x a week.
maybe to have fun with some animals?
cute kittens, bunnies, puppies?
hug!
Perhaps now that you're able to spend more time with her, you can sit with her in her room and get her started on her knitting projects, and encourage her to keep going, and even do them with her. And if you don't know how, perhaps asking her to show you how, might spark her interest.
You can only do so much to get her engaged, so please don't beat yourself up if she chooses not to. You're doing the best you can.
I think I made her feel guilty but she still didn't set foot out of her room if she didn't have to.
I was married to a man like that. Therapy taught me that I can't make someone feel anything. You are only responsible for what you are feeling and can do. Oh I got a divorce.