My husband has been taking financial advantage of my 89-year-old mother for nearly 15 years. When she moved into a senior community in 2005, we moved into her house as newlywed renters, paying a fraction of the market rate; it was purely a short-term arrangement. But one year became two, two became three, and on and on it went, despite my objections. Not only was my mother not being paid a fair rent, but in 2017 I learned that my husband stopped paying rent entirely many years earlier, and that my mother has had to deplete her savings to cover her own expenses. Her only income has been social security and a small monthly annuity payment. In keeping with the situation, the house has slid into deplorable condition due to huge deferred maintenance issues. There's more: in 2006 my husband convinced my mother to take out a $50,000 home equity loan so that he could pay down credit card debt, and over the years he would frequently ask her for smaller personal loans as tide-overs to the next paycheck. He always claimed to be on the brink of a financial/professional breakthrough (he's a scholar/university lecturer) and for a long time I believed he would eventually make things right. But that was a forlorn optimism. I've confronted him numerous times about these matters but he invariably becomes defensive, dismissive, tries to shift blame onto me, makes a swift exit.
My mother now has advanced dementia. In January I was shocked to learn that my husband is 1) successor trustee of her trust and 2) a 40% beneficiary of her trust. I can only imagine that he exerted major undue influence on her while the trust was being set up. In fact, he accompanied her to the meetings with the estate planning attorney. We had only been married a year at that time and my mother knew him only on a surface level.
I've been actively distressed about the exploitation for the past three years but lacked the confidence and courage to expose it. My husband has a strong support network of friends and colleagues and would be an unpleasant opponent. I'm an only child with no other living relatives to turn to. I no longer have funds of my own to afford an attorney. I sent the estate lawyer a letter asking for help but she refuses to get involved. I don't know a way forward.
I am quite horrified by some of the comments and criticisms that have been directed towards you on this thread. I hope that those who made them are never in an abusive relationship where they are powerless.
I posted earlier about my own situation. What I did not write is that I discovered after the end of my marriage, that my Ex had been borrowing money from my mother for many years, I have no idea if it was paid back, and they had a very weird secret relationship that I knew nothing about, for at least 2 years before the end of the marriage. I learnt about both a couple weeks after the marriage ended.
My Mum at the time and currently had no dementia.
I was working 6 days a week, plus picking up occasional evening shifts for the last 4 years of the marriage. It was not a matter of not seeing what was going on in front of my eyes, I was not home.
Isabelsdaughter asked you if Op ever knew her husband. I can honestly state that in my case, I married a man I had known since I was 14, we married when I was 26. And no, the person he presented on the surface was not the person he really was, it took a long time for me to realize that.
I don't know the scope of the abuse she may or may not be suffering in her marriage. Maybe there is way more than she is comfortable telling us. However, I see, from what is written, a woman who, when she confronts her husband, is more blown off about her concerns than threatened:
" I've confronted him numerous times about these matters but he invariably becomes defensive, dismissive, tries to shift blame onto me, makes a swift exit."
There's nothing about, in what is written, that her husband has either used or threatened the use of force when she brings this up.
I am well aware there are myriad forms of abuse. If I have missed something that you all have seen, then I apologize. Even the issue of money - she doesn't state she has no money because her husband has taken it all, and allows her no access to funds. She only said she "no longer has funds of her own". No reference to how she has come to find herself in that situation.
Again, I have no idea if there is more than what she has written. I am fairly sure, though, if what she has described is accurate as to the scope of the behavior she is subject to, it is not going to be enough to use a battered wife defense if she's brought up on criminal charges. That's why (and I know I sound like a broken record) it is imperative she speak with a criminal defense attorney before anyone else. They would really be the best able to advise her going forward. Maybe they tell her there's no criminality, and then she can seek a divorce attorney. But right now cetude is correct that this is a problem that needs advice far beyond the ability of this forum.
Maybe contact Adult Protective Services.
Hopefully you can prove that you had no idea this was going on! Because you have been married while the financial abuse has taken place, you may be seen as his accomplice!
Also, Senior Legal may have advice.
Best of luck!!
Look for legal services in your area - call your local welfare office or city services to ask about legal aid for yourself. You need to get this initiated now before mom dies and your hubby walks away with whatever is left in the estate. Trust me, if you didn't know all this was going on behind your back, it is very likely he gets it all... and more than likely he'll be done with you at the same time.
I would suggest that you attend an elder law attorney with a friend. However, given that you have lived this lifestyle you may not even have access to do this. And without the courage to move forward I cannot see what can be done.
I do have sympathy for the life you have lived, but I cannot in all honesty get past what you have allowed to happen to your Mom. You have enabled your husband in this, not warned your mother. You are complicit in all that has happened to her. That is the sad truth. What a dreadful situation.
In any situation where someone lives in fear of someone else there are people harmed dreadfully along the sidelines. Usually they are children, maimed and destroyed for life. In this case it is an elder.
You have told us you have not got the courage to move forward; I guess you have answered your own question the same way you have answered it for the last 15 years.
I believe your Mom is in a nursing home? They often have a social worker that can help you navigate the rest by guiding you to resources to try to get her decisions made regarding her assets changed. If it can be proven she was not of sound mine this may be possible to accomplish.
I feel for your Mom, she was taken advantage of at her most vulnerable.
I wish you luck, this is a terrible situation
First, get your iron clad evidence in order, on paper or photos. It will have to reflect that you discovered and were not fully aware of the financial dealings between your mother and husband, including the letter you sent to the estate lawyer. Check and document your credit rating to see how many accounts he has included you. You will need decent credit of your own.
Second, take any income you have that he can access to separate account, out of his reach.
Third, IMMEDIATELY find out who has your mother's power of attorney, medical and financial. Get appointed as her legal guardian. Who is beneficiary of her life insurance, stocks, etc. If not you, it should be your first priority. Contact your local legal assistance reps asap, call any lawyer to get the location, get appointment and present your case.
While you are at it, let them file your divorce, with restraining order (he refuses to discuss or take responsibility so you certainly don't have a marriage to save.)
When you get control of the estate transfer it from the current lawyer, obviously working for your husband.
Its going to be tough due to the duration, but a judge will listen to proof. If you don't act quickly, you could be left in that deplorable house, alone, with him blowing what little is left of an inheritance you should receive, I'm sure your mother intended for your future care. You will be a happier, healthier person once you protect yourself and your mother. Forget about his friends and colleagues, they're not yours. When details come out, they'll understand. Once the transitions are in place, have him evicted if only to sell the house, as is. You will gain independence and reclaim your self respect. Have faith, and be strong.
I would not see an estate attorney (that's how your mother got into this mess), but an elder law attorney who understands Medicaid rules. For the record, this will be a huge problem if your mother outlives her available assets and needs Medicaid to survive in very old age.
And, it sounds like your husband has not only deceived your mother, but deceived you as well -- and bilked you out of any inheritance your mother would likely have left to you. What do you plan to do to reclaim your personhood?
https://ncea.acl.gov/Suspect-Abuse/Reporting-Abuse.aspx
Your mother can not defend herself and she needs you to do it. I realize you feel defenseless too but you have way more ability to defend yourself than she does. If he depletes her funds and she goes on medicaid they could come back on both of you when she passes away for Medicaid Fraud. That will raise your level of person financial damage and emotional shame. Report him now! No matter the harm to you he must be stopped. Bad things happen when good people do nothing and this is your mother.
drugs?
gambling?
mistress?
Also... what about getting APS involved.... Adult Protective Services?