My mom was only supposed to live with us a few months; it has been three years. She is difficult and non-cooperative, and she has so much stuff that there is little room for us, our two teens and a toddler. She "doesn't want" to move, or let go of any possessions, and she is beginning to make poor safety decisions around the 3 year-old, making it so we have to watch her carefully. She is still driving and has her own car; we are beginning to wonder about that as well.
She has some property that she can't live on, and only about $100,000 total assets to take care of her for 20-30 more years. We are not dependent on her financially although we do want to spend our money on enjoying our own family life and give our kids a good start rather than support her in expensive assisted living. There is no other family to help.
Mom needs senior apartment type living, where she is around people of her own generation. These apartments the rent is based on one's income. She'd be much happier there. And it doesn't sound like she needs any caregiving services. What she is going through may be just general age decline, or is still in menopause.
Did your Mom ever worked outside of the house, getting a salary? If not, i can see her being hesitant going that route, but she could do volunteer work to gain new skills. Your local Agency on Aging probably has a list of what groups need volunteers.
Some of us on the forums are older then your Mom, our challenge was dealing with a parent(s) who were in their 90's. So unless you do something soon, Mom could be with you for 20-30 years. Better to help her when she really needs the care.
My biggest worry is that there is a toddler in the house and your Mom's bedroom is a hoarding nightmare. If the toddler gets into her room, she could very easily be seriously hurt if a pile of "stuff" topples down upon her.
She has always been difficult, even narcissistic. We have strong family loyalty, but we didn’t realize how tough she would be once she moved into the state and in with us. She drags her feet on anything we try to do, especially to get rid of some of her stuff (she is close to being a hoarder: she has 3 storage sheds, our trailer is now a storage shed, our house is fairly full of her stuff and her room has trails rather than floor space.) She wants to do things her way when we try to include her in chores and activities. She tries to create guilt and blame, especially when we try to be direct and firm. We all work hard and don’t want to have a war with her, and that’s how it came to be three years. She does help with the little one when I work, and now I am working 3/4 time. We think day care would be better now. (The other day she was near the 3 y.o. who got ahold of a kitchen knife; she asked someone else in the next room whether she should have that knife; another time she was supposed to be watching, and the child left the house. My husband and I are looking to find a way to have the least amount of conflict but it’s clear she is getting more obstinate the more we suggest her moving (we try to appeal to reason and there have been a couple of louder discussions).
Now that it's summer, the teens are watching the kiddo, so she is safe. But we need a game-changer plan with outside help. How can we get Mom to move if she just won’t? We know we will probably have to get a lawyer, but is there a way to extend some of her money so that we can provide amenities if she ends up in a cheaper assisted living/nursing home? How do we get cleared of accusations that we are trying to take her money, if it gets to that point? It may be that she can live independently with some home care, but her driving may be a concern, no proof yet. Is there an agency that would help us navigate through decisions and help us gain control? Thank you so much for caring!