I am 78 and in fairly good health, but just had a knee replacement and need the other done, and probably a shoulder in the next couple years. My husband 84 is very healthy but has had Alzheimer’s for 8 years and is in late mid stage. My two sons and families live 40 miles from me, there is a good care facility within a mile of their homes, also an equilivalent home within a couple of miles of me. Would it be better to have him near them, or closer to me. Both sons want to be involved and are wanting him near them. Both feel his care has become too much for me. RP
- Although it may be a good idea to have your DH placed closer to you, you have a few health criteria to deal with for yourself.
- Your sons may indeed mean well, but they have families of their own.
- Perhaps you have considered moving closer to your sons.
- If YOU were to move, albeit it a major step, you could have your DH placed in the facility 40 miles away/near your sons.
My inquiry here is why are you asking us?
- What are your feelings about it?
- You are 78... have you considered how you would (want to) spend your time if your husband was not physically closer to you?
- You raised TWO INCREDIBLE kids to want to have your husband near them and considering you, feeling it is too much for you.
I would imagine that if you decide to move him further away from you that you would feel some degree of toss, understandably (as this is a huge change for you).
- Do you anticipate or already feel guilt for how you might decide what to do?
- Personally, I would encourage you to create as spectacular life for yourself as you can. You are a devoted wife and mother ... it is time for you to enjoy the moments of your life. I know it would be a difficult transition for you AND you deserve to shift into another chapter ...
gardening (club)...
poker (group) ...
travel (weekends or a 1-2 week vacation ... or join a group, i.e.,
or photography
or bingo
or knitting
The possibilities are sort of endless.
By ENJOYING yourself DOESN'T mean that you are neglecting your husband.
He would likely really want you to enjoy your life now, wouldn't he?
- Even if you decide to move your husband closer to your sons, you could still arrange to visit, perhaps once a month or something. I would imagine that one / both of your sons would want to arrange to pick you up to visit. So - it isn't a matter of seeing him or not; it is how often.
I appreciate you reaching out to us. I know this is difficult for you. Here's a hug and let us know what you decide to do.
Gena / Touch Matters
Count your blessings.
When the time comes, your sons can move you BOTH nearer them.
Or split the difference if there’s someplace in between your sons and your location.
I do feel a little snarky and I’m not sure why. I’m sorry, but these are still truths that I’m speaking. God be with your decision making and with your family.
I am thankful that you have
" choices" and, an open line of loving communication with your sons......
Peace be with you all....
Also consider moving yourself. Make it your decision instead of this becoming something your sons have to decide for you. You’ve read enough of our horror stories on here to know how torturous it is to have to move a parent when they’re being difficult and don’t want to move even though every day living alone is precarious. 1 in 6 over 80 have some sort of dementia. Plan for your own future.
You could actually enjoy an assisted living! 3 meals cooked plus laundry and cleaning and somebody else planning activities? Not to mention people in your situation to befriend. My mom is in assisted living and dad is in memory care. My mom is a pill and refuses to participate in life, however. (This isn’t new behavior, it’s who she is as a person.) When I visit I see other ladies choosing to enjoy it. My mom will go get my dad from MC and bring him up to the spa with her for hair and nails and a shave … because lord knows if you choose to lock yourself in an apartment all day taking room service your hair needs to be freshly colored at all times.
I vote for closer to you.
Your two sons I imagine both have families.
Your two sons I also imagine are still working.
Your two sons both probably have homes that need their attention and upkeep on weekends.
I also imagine that when your sons have time off they want to spend that time with their families and doing things they like doing.
EVERYONE has great intentions to visit everyday or visit every week.
I am sure their intention is great but life gets in the way of good intentions.
The care that is getting to be a lot for you will be handled mostly by the staff at the Memory Care facility that you choose.
Any doctor visits away from the facility can pretty easily be provided by the facility or by medical transport if you can not manage. But you can arrange to go with him. Could your sons do the same if the appointment was on a Monday at 10:30? (or would they as their wife to take him?)
Are you going to want to drive 80 miles round trip even 1 time a week?
Now..I'm just going to toss this out...
Does the Memory Care facility also have Assisted or Independent Living in the same community?
If so would you consider moving to AL or IL in the same community?
You would be closer to your sons. you would get the help that you probably will need during your rehab with both the knee and shoulder.
You have done your part for 8 years, might be time for you to get a little respite.
40 miles is not a long # of miles, you can visit as needed.
Wish you & yours the very best!
1) If your sons are married, have you talked to your daughters in law? They may be on the visiting schedule too, and their willingness to visit if your husband is closer to them (even to have their husbands visit) may be very important. If there are grandchildren, where will they fit in?
2) Why do your sons think it is being too much for you? We have had a couple of posters in the last week or so where the spouse’s behavior has been appalling. Is that happening with you, or is it just normal care issues between two people with ageing issues?
3) Does it need to be a once-for-all decision? I know that stability matters for your husband, but could you consider respite care in each place, to see how it works out in practice? Or could you be prepared to try what seems best now, but change later?
I can of course understand that you would like to make the best decision now, on the information you have already. But being willing to try and then change, might take a lot of pressure off right now. Love and best wishes, Margaret
But look further ahead - would this be a good time for you to think about moving to live closer to their home town too?
And you can still go less if in fact that is feasible.
Only you can answer that as you know your children.
If you enjoy 80 miles of driving, place him near your sons.
Everyone wants to be supportive and help out, until it comes time to put up or shut up, it seems to me. Even with the best of intentions, your sons may not find time to help out as much as they could. Then you are likely to get feeling guilty and start schlepping yourself out to the MC all the time. And yes its obviously become too much for you after 8 years and all these bone/joint issues!
See where I'm going with this?
Do what ultimately works best for YOU, nobody else.
Good luck to you
Has there been any discussion about your son's abilities to get you to visits with hubby in future, say several times a month? Perhaps with stopover at their homes? I can't tell what in depth family discussions you have or have not had. 40 minutes isn't that bad. It took me an hour to travel to work and home by bus when I worked.
It just depends on how you look at it and what is best for YOU, I think.