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I come from a large extended family. We all think we know best. You can't change them, but you can change yourself. You back off from helping aka interfering and enjoy your grandparents. Listen to what they want and do it. Don't offer suggestions, wait till they ask before offering advice. You be the one person they can turn to that honors their authority, intelligence and their automony. Soon others will follow.
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I agree that everyone should back off. People like your grandparents often feel bullied by all of this pushing. They may eventually agree to some help if they are given what you mentioned - loving attention and distraction. If they feel free to make their own decisions they may become more reasonable.

I also agree that if they aren't too resistant to wearing personal alarms to call for help that would be a step forward. Because of all the pushing in the past, they may even refuse this for awhile, but in the future you could gently mention that this form of help is non-intrusive and possible so that you'll set it up if they decide they want it. To me the magic words are "they decide."

I know it's hard to watch this and not try to fix it, but human dignity and the ability to decide for oneself is important. Good luck to you all,
Carol
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Kristen, I agree that a Life Alert system would set everybody's mind more at rest - KAT, if you were to point out to your grandparents that this would also make everyone GO AWAY and give them a bit of peace, do you think they might agree?

Making the house as safe as possible - although I agree it is desirable, of course - is a much thornier issue. I'm guessing that sweeping into their home and meddling with their possessions is exactly the kind of thing that makes them see red and chase everyone away, brandishing their walking sticks and yelling "and don't come back!" Tread extremely carefully. It's their house, their lives, not yours.
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As someone who has gone through this, make sure they have a Life Alert system of some kind, make the house as safe as possible- remove loose rugs, handles in the bathroom, double railings on any stairs and just let it go... you may be surprised at how they might complain that no one helps them, leaving a opening for outside help. Use your visits for just that visiting and listening.
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Yes, back off, for all of the good reasons given above AND that you already know. The point is, that while your grandparents do need help, the family is not helping. So stop.

Make sure each of your grandparents knows who to call if he or she has a change of heart, or if there is an actual emergency - this could be either a social worker, or ONE agreed-upon family member who is available most of the time. Ideally arrange for the number and name to be prominently displayed near the phone.

Gosh, I hope your large family is also the type that can agree on one spokesman? Fingers crossed.
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Agree: back off. Sometimes it takes an ER visit to make folks realize they need help.

Instead try to think of ways to help them maintain their independence, without criticizing or inferring they can't take care of themselves.

It's hard to recognize that our brains and bodies are declining - it can be a denial situation until something happens and they become so scared they reach out.
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The counselor and you agree. Back off, force them to realize they cannot function alone. Hopefully they will then agree to Assisted Living. If they already spoke to Hospice, then they are not afraid of dying, just afraid of giving up their home. If they don't want 911 calls, that's OK, just make sure you have advanced directives signed, so you are not liable. They have the right to refuse further medical poking and prodding, just have them sign the DNR.
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