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I have to say I am leaning towards siding with the daughter. I can't say if he was abusive or the girl was just too wild. What bothers me is he left without a word. And the OP still loves him after all this time even though he just walked away. I get wanting closure, but couldn't that been done over email?

Maybe the daughter remembers how devastated mom was when he left and doesn't want to see that again. Maybe she thinks he will take advantage of mom now that he needs help. Maybe she doesn't want mom to bring this mess back to her home despite what mom says that she won't do.

As an adult we get to make our own choices. OP is angry that her grown daughter won't support her choice. OP does not get to dictate daughter into forgiving past issues. I certainly understand why an ultimatum is not what she was expecting. First thing is to ask daughter why she is so against this person. The fact that he paid for private school does not grant him sainthood. Find out what is really bothering your daughter first.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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I think there’s a message in here for me and for all the regular posters.

This is NOT a caregiving issue. It’s a marriage relationship issue and a parenting issue. I got into it because a) I have had troubles with an estranged daughter and b) I got on well with my dying ex. I thought the other posts were too one-sided. Most of us have experience with care issues, and have had little experience with either of these things, so I chipped in.

I think that we all need to chip out. OP can find other more relevant ways to deal with her problems, not a site where the expertise is about caregiving. That's if it's genuine.

Sorry, folks, I think I was followed down the wrong track.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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In answer to your reply to me. I think your smart just seeing what the situation is and finding him resources. Looks like you have your head on your shoulders. Keep that 134 miles between you. Your daughter, I guess u may need to move.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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