Dad is 91. And if I ever show signs of being upset with him or being tired of ill my self he tells me he wishes he would die. I know it is to make me feel guilty but it is very hard to care for him at times when he acts that way. Because he is able to do some things for him self but won't.But if I insist he tells me that.
Think I will be dead first. Will explain later.
But, meanwhile, since you didn't give more information, it's hard to disagree with those who suggest it could be a cry for help.
On the other hand, my mother sulks and says things like this when she doesn't get her own way. It's partly a guilt trip on me and partly her feeling sorry for herself. One thing that is hard for me to keep in-mind is that she's also a human being and prone to her own feelings that I can't control. If she's down, it's not up to me to fix that, although I'll admit I do sometimes find activities for her or try to distract her during those times.
Once again, though, just feeling sorry for oneself or laying on a guilt trip is different than actually being depressed and wanting to die, for real. So, I certainly am not saying to ignore it, either.
I reacted with sadness, but also with understanding and encouragement whenever he would claim how much he wanted to go. I also tried to reason with him that there are many people who also have illness concerns but who don't have good healthcare, a secure place to live or family, which he does. I also explained how important he is to all of us, and when it is his time, God will bring him home. I emphasize that we are thankful for every day that he is with us. Dad himself has always awakened and given thanks for another day, and I am grateful that this practice has resumed.
Back in January, I had Dad evaluated by the psychiatrist on his medical team because I suspected he might be experiencing depression symptoms. He started an antidepressant regimen (concurrent with treatment for other issues). Another antidepressant was added a few weeks later, thus helping both appetite and sleep loss.
He has since greatly improved emotionally. I am observant of he he is feeling, and always supportive.
My dad, 86 has been healthy all his life, up until recently. I'm hoping that the prostate cancer hormonal treatment won't lead to significant side effects that may derail all of his emotional and physical progress he's gained.
I don't have a long answer for you....I suggest that you acknowledge that this person is depressed...sad...he may feel guilty re his being a burden to you...my answer is "it must be hard Dad, we both should try and do our best"....people say that sort of thing, but it is still difficult to hear
This morning I came across this comment and believe it to be true and helpful. It is attributed to Marshall B. Rosenberg:
"At the core of all anger is a need that is not being fulfilled."
Explosive anger erupts here when a zipper will not cooperate or a button is difficult to manipulate due to his peripheral neuropathy. Small things have always caused some anger, but it is more violent since my husband, with dementia, cannot perform any of his normal chores. Work was always his main interest and now he has no interest in anything else but how he feels, etc.
The worst part is that he knows he will not get better and is gradually losing his faculties.
Makes me wonder though, if we are nice to them, give them hugs when they are acting ok, would it extinguish the other behavior (again, provided they aren't narcissists). Then ignore this whiny depressive type of yak and don't pay it any attention. Behavior that is rewarded tends to repeat itself?
Lois I have to ask? Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you were the one with Alzheimer's instead of your husband? As you said you are a very independent women. I guess I wonder if one of kids would be doing the brunt of the care giving for you or was your husband the type to take charge?
The kids? Three have college degrees - one in psychology, a Master's, and she is very supportive now and understands our relationship through the years. She has mentioned before that she thinks Dad is one angry son-of-a gun. She is the one who would be most helpful were I to become ill, but 4 hours away and recently widowed.
If I were not able to care for Dad, he would land in a nursing home in a flash and would not last there more than a month or so - not an environment he could handle evidenced while a rehab in-patient after a prolonged intubation IH after pneumonia and blood infection eight years ago.
Our retired son is most helpful with keeping my tractors going, and other stuff and he lives nearby, extending love and professions of help when I seem to be breaking down, coming over to 'sit' while I do my thing - you know- shopping, taking the dog to the vet, etc..
The youngest is a HS teacher in a small town 2 hours away and she is the one with the most compassion, but no time, really, with two active teens and a husband recovering from quadruple by-pass surgery.
There would not be enough help from them to do what I do now caring for their Dad for him to survive long with me helpless.
I guess this was possibly TMI for your simple question and I am sorry to be so long winded.
The wonderful warm rays and Marley's happiness seemed to unwind all of my stress tangles and I went back in to my mundane chores with a lifted heart and knew that I was doing all that I could. Find the time to unwind - meditation is supposed to help, but I haven't gone there - yet. God bless you... Lois