My mother is 91 and lives in a beautiful apartment within a senior living community. I call her daily, take her to all her appointments, do all her shopping, send surprise gifts and take her out to eat, despite her admitted hatred of my husband. She has refused our invitation to go on short trips...but then spews venom when we take our twice yearly one week vacation. I am 67 and my husband is 71, and we both had near fatal medical problems in 2018. Our children are grown and live out of town with our grandchildren. Mom is in perfect health but has arthritis and some early dementia. She feels my husband and I are at an age where we should stay home and rest like she has to! She complains that she has no friends and is lonely but makes no effort to socialize or partake in plentiful activities that are offered. She is very resentful that I remarried 13 years ago and has told me she wishes I was a widow like her! I'm at my wits end and needless to day, dread visiting and even talking to her. Have other daughters experienced this?
Says everything I need to know. I would tell her that you can't be with her because you are embarrassed that she is old, see how she feels. Your poor dad.
The first time, I think I was 5, she was trying to tell me that stirrup pants didn't feel weird in my shoes. She was wrong. Stirrup pants came back in the eighties and they still felt weird in my shoes.
There's been many battles, many hugs. It's my mom.
When I was a teenager, oof did I test her, she often told me 'If you can't be nice, be silent'.
Funny how things come full circle.
Now that she's an old cantankerous, feisty stinkerbell I tell her.....
If you can't be nice, be silent.
Take the vacation. Ignore the bitching. In the end it will mean nothing.
After nearly 20 years of living here, 10 of those dependent on me, my mother now claims she has never even visited our house. She now complains that we must have prevented her from socializing because she hasn’t been places or seen people for years, forgetting our endless attempts (a few successful) to make her socialize. The more I did for her, the more abuse she heaped upon me. She is in care now, and I am finally able to enjoy life with my husband and children, without her daily dose of venom or fabricated crises. When I visit her she is actually polite.
I was widowed young and, like yours, my mother told me my remarriage and having children ruined her retirement plans. We were supposed to live together and be inseparable. She pictured herself as the elder of the Golden Girls, amongst me and my friends.
She has been assessed as having advanced dementia but I’m quite certain that isn’t an excuse for 20+ years of snarky comments.
I sacrificed time with my husband and children to try to make her happy and she recalls none of it. Sure, I know I did well caring for her as long as I did, but it is a thankless task and you will never recoup the time you have lost. My mother couldn’t care less about my physical or emotional health. She is the centre of the universe. It’s very difficult, but try to detach emotionally. I found it helped to reframe it. What would I tell my best friend if she was describing this as her situation? We are often so much nicer and forgiving to others than ourselves.
Yours is the best response and totally true. My mother is the same way.
She couldn't care less about me. She expects me to be her nanny-slave. I put the brakes on that plan. I'm glad you did too.
It's amazing to me that a mother wouldn't be happy for her widowed daughter who found love again and remarried. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. The world is chock full of narcissistic, needy seniors. Both of my parents among them.
Let me explain... Consider what you are wearing, what is weighing you down. I think of it as a T-shirt - that your Mom gave you. It has a familiar feel, a warm snug fit & you have worn it for years & years. But it wraps you in F.O.G (fear, obligation, guilt). Fear you are not doing enough for Mom, obligation as daughter, guilt if Mom gets upset.
Take it off. Discard.
Put on a hat instead. The hat of commonsense. It says;
1. everyone has feelings
2. their feelings are valid
3. their feelings are their own
Therefore whatever Mom feels is OK.
This includes Anger (at you disobeying her command to stay out) Jealousy (of your DH) Sadness (or loneliness). Mom may choose to be or not to be Happy. SHE is responsible for HER own feelings.
Tygrlly, Mom has become *emotionally dependant* on you 100%. It happens. Especially to close Mother-Daughters. Especially if Mother has a controlling streak to her personality. Especially if dementia creeps in. Don't mull over it. Take that trip. Get some physical & mental distance. You can choose to change your response to Mom & head towards the future you need.
After your trip, come back to update if you like. Others have freed themselves from this emotional bog. There are steps out.
I love, love, love the topless and hat analogies! You are spot on. Hugs and thank you Going to Mexico with hubby ober Thanksgiving!
My mom has an issue with my gender (she wanted a boy), my skin color, my body structure, my husband (although she had a say in the matter), the gender of my kids, our level of success, our social standing, our social life, my cooking, where I live, instruments my kids play....I gave up on getting her approval a long time ago. I provide care to her as a return obligation for bringing me into this world.
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