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My elderly parents are FL residents. My father, with Alzheimers, probably also has undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. He has been verbally/emotionally abusive toward my mother for over 45 years. She is a frail, emotional wreck and incapable of making decisions out of fear of him. She has turned to alcohol to numb the anxiety and severe depression and suicidality, and frequently falls as a result. They have medicare and very few assets. Getting a durable POA is impossible, my father is no longer capable and also noncompliant. She won't seek guardianship because she's afraid of him, and my sibling and I will not because we can't be part of the toxic abuse any longer. The last option seems to be to get my father at least a ward of the state. They are in Florida. Any experience here, any advice?

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My mother lived to be 100. At one point APS became involved. There was a Guardian AdLitum appointed, and finally a Court appointed guardian. Life was much simpler with a designated attorney, who had a professional staff to check in on her, handle the alcoholic sibling and field questions and concerns. Social Workers are my heroes.
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KathleenQ Jul 2022
My husband and I were social workers until retirement and there has been so much criticism of social workers that I just want to thank you for your comment.
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Hugs to you. This is so hard, and I somewhat know your pain, though your situation is twice as complicated because of your mother's state. My living parent is similar to your dad. I made the opposite choice and became the guardian, though. I usually regret it. My advice: you and your sibling are doing the right thing by seeking to not become the guardians. With parents like ours, it's brutal. I got my mother into a nicer facility than the one she would have stayed in had I let the state become the guardian, but she's not well behaved because of the mental problems, and I live on pins and needles that she's going to get kicked out. I'm constantly worried about where I can place her if she gets kicked out. Now she has a paper trail of bad behavior, including violence. A lot of days I think "This could have been someone else's problem, somebody who has experience dealing with this, but no, I had to be the hero." Don't feel guilty about "handing off" the responsibility. You've been through enough. And professional guardians really do know how to handle any situation that comes up. There's so much red tape involved for everything. I am STILL wrestling with companies that refuse to acknowledge the guardianship. I had to make phone calls to Social Security for 4 months before I got her SSA payments situated. But the biggest headache is keeping her housed when she's so combative. I underestimated how much of a concern that would be.

I wish I could tell you more about how to start the process, but in my case, it was started by a social worker for a facility, before I even knew there was a problem. A doctor and a nurse at the facility wrote up the dementia diagnosis. In your case, you would probably need to get Adult Protective Services involved.
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annari Jul 2022
Thank you so much for your compassion and for sharing your experience. I didn't even mention that I struggle with guilt over this although I think it's the only option left (short of abandoning them to die-in-place, commit suicide or kill someone in a road accident). But yeah, I need to put that guilt aside. There are only tragic choices left. I wonder if your situation could still change if you said you couldn't be a guardian any longer? Thanks again so much. It means a lot to me.
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I would definitely do the ward of the state option.
My own brother was diagnosed with Lewy's Dementia and lived at the other end of my long long state. I did all I could to act as his Trustee, and POA. That because he was such a fine, fine man, so organized, so gentle, so agreeable. I could not have done it any other way.
We often die as we lived. In this case it seems inevitable. What could any POA do if one WERE POA? What? The answer is almost nothing. And being for someone who is deteriorating at this rate, the POA would be impossible to resign from and anyone with it would regret it.
Read Liz Scheier's excellent book, Never Simple. It is about her attempt to help a personality disordered Mom basically for decades--with the help of the State and City of New York, and how hopeless that all was. It is a good lesson for anyone dealing with such a family member.
I am so sorry, but there is little you can do. The family, the next of kin, may begin to get calls. Tell APS or Social Workers, or MDs or whomever is on the phone that you are helpless to do anything for your parents.
Your parents have made this life together. You are lucky survivors. I am so sorry, because witnessing this decline has to be a helpless, hopeless feeling. But trust me, not everything can be fixed. You don't have the power here.
I surely do wish you the very best and I am so very sorry for this awful situation. You are not alone. Ms Scheier's book proves that.
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Isthisrealyreal Jul 2022
Just to clarify, anyone can resign as POA at any point, regardless of the status of the appointee. The appointee can not appoint another POA but, that NEVER obligates a POA to remain so.
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I agree with reporting your father as a vulnerable adult to APS. You can't make the county move on the guardianship issue -- it's up to them but you can certainly work with the social workers to make your case to move it along. That's what we did with my SFIL (in MN).

My cousins had to remove their mother from her home and separate her from their Dad, after a lifetime of abuse and with both of them in their late 80s it was only getting worse. He ranted and fumed and on a visit to his bank (because money was his true love) he fell in their lobby, got a head injury and passed away shortly after. His wife had a few years of the best peace and happiness she'd ever had.

In FL you can anonymously report someone as a dangerous driver to the DMV online. The DMV will call send them a letter to appear for a test. If they don't make it to that appointment, their license is revoked. If at all possible you really should try to block their access to the vehicle.

I'm so sorry you're in this dilemma. Many on this forum have been in your shoes. Hang in there and just know you're doing the best you can in a very difficult situation.
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annari Jul 2022
Thank you; I appreciate it. It's horrible to come to this.
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Just to confirm, do you wish to separate your mother and father, with your father having State guardianship and would you want to be your mother's POA? As mentioned in a previous response, help your mother set up her paperwork while she is still capable. It's too bad that your father won't act like an adult and do it for himself, as well. You mother needs to set up powers of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives, and a will if she has any assets (a car...?). It might be helpful to connect with a local social worker to discuss this. They can help explain the options, and might be able to assist. When the State appoints a guardian, the guardian takes charge and is supposed to manage things to benefit the client. If there are no assets and they are living on social security, do you have an idea of how your mother will manage?
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Notify local authorities of their unsafe living conditions... which will probably results in both of them being hospitalized for evaluation. When you are called, ask case management to ask courts to appoint a guardian ad litem over your father - and maybe your mother too.
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I believe that you are correct in aiming your energy towards your mother, as she has been an abused woman for a long time. I immediately thought about the positive experiences people have written about at the Betty Ford Clinic. Perhaps you can get her to accept the help and then help her plan her final wishes with an Elder Law Attorney. If you're not in Florida, then you might want to help her find Independent living arrangements and/or a continuum program for seniors near you.

A Place for Mom is a great option and there's help on this website too.

It has been suggested, on this forum, that a radical way of forcing the state to assume responsibility is to deliver the patient to the hospital and then let them know that there is no one available to care for him and then you leave. If Mom is no longer in the state then that might help prevent them from trying to force him on her. I'm guessing this will take strategizing and getting mom to treatment may give her the inspiration to get sober and to heal all the damaged organs that alcohol ravages.
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Not an answer to your question, but if she doesn't have one, and she is still competent, hurry up and help your mother set up an estate plan.

Also, I learn so much on this forum. All the suggestions below make so much sense.

I had somewhat difficult parents but compared to a lot of the parents I read about here they were angels. My mother, who died in 2019, was slightly narcissistic. Taking care of her was't fun, but she wasn't horrible either. My annoyingly stubborn father just fell and hit his head and it may be the end of him. Strangely, it's been my siblings who have caused me the most grief.

You have my sincerest wishes that once this is taken care of you will enjoy life more. I don't usually give these, but hugs to you.
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annari: Perhaps you should be in contact with the social worker for their locale and state your parents' issues to said individual. State that your father suffers from Alzheimer's and your mother is a frail elder. As your mother has suicidal ideation, contact the SW posthaste or call 800-273-8255, which is the toll free phone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
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