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Our mother sleeps all the time with very few exceptions. We have mixed feelings about the upcoming holidays. On one side, there are no small children in the family at this point, so we thought to cancel Christmas this year. Knowing our mother is lying there in bed, aside from the birth of Christ, what else is there to celebrate and get together for? It's impossible to be jolly & merry, Furthermore we are both very "hands on" with mom so the stress of Christmas shopping, buying gifts, making meals, making the time to do all that would put so much stress on us. We also both work full time from home. On the flip side, we thought to maybe just have a very small gathering ....literally me and my husband and my sister and brother in law. Keep it low key this year. Thoughts? Comments?

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My dad was in active Hospice all during the Holidays. He was adamant that his condition NOT have a negative effect on the family's usual activities.

We cut back a little on the parties. We met as a 'family' in the upstairs family room of YB's home. Dad could hear a little of what went on, but he was happy we were all together.

We had several younger grands and a few great grands to consider.

Personally, I slipped away from the party and went downstairs to dad's room to sit quietly with him. I held his hand and we talked a little. I used to have a lovely singing voice and he and I sang together a lot. He asked me to sing to him, so I did, maybe for a half hour, IDK. He was lying there, holding my hand and tears were streaming down his face.

He passed, peacefully, quietly and with the dignity that personified my daddy, 45 minutes into the New Year.

His last gift to me was letting me know I was loved. My last gift to him was thanking him for loving me.

And isn't THAT what Christmas should be about?
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InlandMeg Nov 2022
Thank you for sharing this memory about your precious dad. Tears are stinging my eyes reading it. My dad was the same and gave so much love, even at the very end when he was dying in hospice. God bless you!
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With mother, I’d suggest that you talk about old Christmases she might remember, and all the cooking – including anything funny that went wrong.

With the rest of the family, I’d suggest that you schedule times for them to call in on mother to see her, perhaps for the last time. Once again, talk about old Christmases. Ask your sister and BIL around for a drink and nibble at the end of the day, and specify ‘no gifts over $10’. That makes it easy to pick up a little box of chocolates from the supermarket, no stress. You can all go over what you remembered to talk to mother about – it will probably be different, and spark a longer ‘old times’ conversation. It could still be a quiet but special Christmas for you all to remember.

Best wishes, Margaret
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MargaretMcKen Nov 2022
I was remembering later that my M and MIL could hear quite a long way into the end, even though they weren't talking. Talking about old Christmases might be nice for M to hear, even if it wasn't a conversation. And it fills in time for the short visits.
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Small gathering - get take out and have a tree
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The last Christmas I shared with my dad, we went to a camp ground, the only ones there and roasted hot dogs, ate pork and beans out of the can, the only vegetables were potato chips and it was the best holiday I can remember with him. No gifts, no decorations and no meal prep, it was perfect.

We don't do family holidays, it's the time they ALL feel is appropriate to air any grievances they have. So, my husband and I do our own thing and wish the rest well. I am happy that I have this one memory of my dad at Christmas that brings a smile. I know he really enjoyed the drama free day as much as we did.

Do whatever you feel. Tradition isn't law.
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I think many people make WAY too big of a fuss about "the holidays" in general. If you have a reason to celebrate, then by all means do it. If you don't feel in the mood to celebrate, or feel down b/c your mother is at home under hospice care, then by all means, don't feel obliged to 'celebrate'. Not everyone is always in the mood for such celebrations, nor do they feel it's appropriate to do so. There's no law written saying that from Thanksgiving to New Years every year we all MUST do X Y & Z otherwise we're Scrooges, for petesake.

I remember one year my mother was in the hospital with severe GI issues during 'the holidays' and wound up getting an IVC umbrella filter surgically implanted in her aorta at midnight on Christmas Eve. Believe me when I tell you none of us were in the mood to celebrate anything that year, so we didn't. We all wished Jesus a Happy Birthday & that was about it for 2011.

Do what YOU feel you want to do, and nothing more. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' answer here, my friend. Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult time in your lives.
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hauzlisa,

My suggestion, as a retired Hospice RN, is to celebrate the holidays to the fullest extent possible, keeping your preparations to a minimum and making your togetherness the primary focus, while involving your mom as much as possible.

Talk to your mom, touch her as much as possible, share the meal plans with her, make her special dishes. Do all you can to spruce her up, even painting her nails and dabbing a bit of lip and cheek color on. Although she's asleep - or seems to be - most of the time, she is still present and aware.

You could place some lights on her bed for Christmas and do some small things to keep her part of the celebrations. decorate the tree and share the event with her. Make the most of her last holidays with you; you won't regret it.

Try to make these holidays about celebrating family ties, the family that she is the matriarch of; celebrate her life and the family traditions that you all treasure.

I recall one of the Hospice deaths that I attended. While waiting during the wee hours of the night for the funeral home to come, I encouraged the granddaughters to go ahead and paint their beloved grandmother's toenails red as they had intended to do before her peaceful passing. This gave them a sense of comfort. It may seem a bit macabre until you realize that death is just as much a part of life as anything else and just one more stage in life's journey. I always encouraged touch and involvement with the dying loved one, the making of final memories. These young granddaughters knew that their beloved grandmother met her maker with jazzy red toenails; it reminded them of how she'd been in her younger years and brought them comfort.

I'd say: try to make the most of it and involve mom as much as possible. As long as she's without pain, you won't disrupt her by rousing her from her seeming sleep. She will be present and a part of things until her last breath. Make beautiful and lasting memories.

Wishing you strength and peace.
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I am in total agreement with you on eliminating all the stressful holiday activities and focusing on keeping Christmas close and quiet. Last year we invited my brother and mom's grandsons with their small families on separate days a few weeks before Christmas. We didn't do gifts at all. We had grinders for lunch and cookies for dessert. Mom was able to see and enjoy her great granddaughters. We all got to enjoy our family without all the hustle and bustle of shopping and cooking. It worked out well for the young generation too because their schedules get quite complicated at Christmastime with step families, in-laws, out of town travel, and so on. Mom doesn't remember the get togethers now, but we have many good photos to treasure. We may do something similar this year.
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When my husband was completely bedridden in our living room for the last 22 months of his life and under hospice care, I did my best for my children's, grandchildren's and even my husbands sake to keep the holidays as "normal" as possible, as I knew that this time was precious to everyone, and that there would come a day when these holidays would look very different.
I had my children bring some of the food, so it didn't all fall on me, and at Christmas I usually just ordered all the gifts online, so didn't have to worry about getting out and about, since I was my husband 24/7 caregiver.
For me it worked. And I'm grateful for the last several holidays we all had together, as I know my husband was happy to have his immediate family with him, despite his many health issues.
But you have to do whatever works for you and your family. If that means you just order takeout, so be it. As long as you enjoy whatever time you have left with your mom, that's all that really matters.
God bless you.
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I did it for the solace it gave to others.

No choices “felt right”, but we were together with a fire in the fireplace and the tree and the children.

As THE CAREGIVER nothing was right for me, but in retrospect, that was OK too.

I think we each chose some personal food or gift or decoration that meant Christmas to us, shared what we’d brought, and went home early.

Summing up, do what makes you feel good, and respect the feelings of all involved as much as possible.

Keep the memories of Christmases that were brighter in the past. Keep the hope that the memories of your mother and her life may brighten your Christmases in the future.
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I think everyone would understand that you are caring for your Mom 24/7 and that the holidays will not be the same this year. If you don't feel like shopping, don't. Have a meal on Christmas Eve, eat leftovers on Christmas day. Make her room a little festive but you don't have to go "out there" decorating. Play Christmas music. Lots of places have full meals you buy if u don't feel like cooking. Just have the 4 of you. You do what ur comfortable with. Thats what I do.

5 weeks before my Dad died the doctor said he would not live the weekend. Mom insisted on Hospice. Dad lived to see Thanksgiving Day. My brothers, wives and children (we each have 2) gathered at Moms. Dads bed was in the living room. At this point he could not talk. He and my brothers watched the football game. It all was normal with the boys teasing Dad. My daughter helped get Dad ready for the night. Everyone, but my brother from out of town, left. Mom woke about about 6am, Dad was gone.She sat with him the next 2 hrs not wanting to disturb the Hospice Nurse or us kids. Thinking of this now, I wonder how my Mom got thru Thanksgiving Day. Dad had health problems and every year he would say "This is my last Thanksgiving, this is my last Christmas"
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Jazzy1349 Nov 2022
Hi, just want to tell you how much I admire your mom for sitting with him after he passed. My husband was home, under hospice care, when he passed. The nurse had been and gone. I was alone with him. So, out of love and respect, I removed his PJ's, I bathed him, and put clean PJ's on. I talked to him ,told him how much I love him, how blessed I was to have him, as my best friend, and husband. Wished him a safe journey. Kissed him, told him so long. Then I called the hospice nurse, and sat with him till she got there, sat there while she made her calls. Sat there till the mortuary guys got there, moved him to their stretcher, and walked with him to the hearse. I rode in the hearse with his body to the cemetery - our last ride together. It's been 12 years, but I've got memories of a lifetime. We do this out of love and respect.
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