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I have been a fulltime caregiver for my elderly parent now for ten months. I have pretty much left everything on hold to help him. Job, apartment, relationship. It's a very hard thing to know what the right decisions are from day to day when it comes to your loved one. I pray every day for God's guidance and strength. I do everything now. My parent does not have any serious health issues at the moment but that could change as we all know. If it comes to the point where he needs more care then I can give him, then I am prepared to do that because I know I did what I could to help him. I think it's the same with you. God knows your heart and he will honor and bless you. It sounds like your already being blessed because He has given you a great partner to help you through this.
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Sounds like you have convinced yourself she will be in harms way in a nursing home...I disagree after being a nutritional clinical staff member of one for 27 years. I have seen wonderful homes that staff well and provide great care. I had to put my mom in a assisted living memory care 4 months ago and she has actually gotten better...even her in continence has improved..she gained back her 22# she had lost , she walks again, laughs again and I have my sanity back. Is it ideaL? Of course not ...but my goal is for mom to be safe, content and not have a daughter taking care of her who is burned out and bitter..Good luck..This is a tough decision.I also went to counseling...that helps also..
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ievolvetoo Sep 2020
A very good point. Perhaps I need to cast a wider net on her options. Thank you for sharing that observation!!
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There is “I can’t do this,” and then there is “I don’t want to do this.” Which is yours?

If you break, you serve zero purpose to mom. So if it’s that you actually can’t do this — then placing her and tending to her as the non-caretaker is ideal for both of you.

If it’s that you don’t want to do it, then that’s understandable too. But after she’s gone, you’re the one who has to live with it (whatever choice you made) for possibly the next 20-40 years. It’s not like it’s something you can go back and undo once she’s gone.

It seems you’ve made up your mind that all facilities will suck. I’m sure many do, but as I understand it, many don’t.

Maybe you can spend some time researching what is available to her and reassess. If it’s all truly horrible — I would never let my parent’s life end on that note. But if you should find something of quality and a place you feel you can trust — I’m not sure that sacrificing all of your 50s to care for your mom personally is something you ought to do when someone else can do it better and more happily, while being adequately compensated to do so.
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You will enjoy Mom so much more when you allow someone else to take on some of the burden. You already sound burned out. You need to keep working for your future.

Moms version of a NH is probably the way she saw them as a girl. They have improved. There are some very nice LTC facilities. Nothing is perfect. Mom will never be cared for like you would have done. With me I was OCD about my Moms clothes matching and her hair looking nice. I put her outfits together for the aides and carried a brush and hairspray with me. The Dementia I couldn't control, but her looking nice I could.

It becomes not what the person wants, its what they need. Seems to me Mom needs 24/7 care that you cannot provide because you work. Start looking at places. If Mom is low income, try Medicaid for in home care. Maybe ask around (after COVID) about respite care at an AL or LTC so you can get away. A number of members talk about "Board and Care". I don't have them in my area, but maybe u do in yours.
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Venting is good. I spent 20 years owning a small 6 bed senior residential care home and was able to give many people back a more normal relationship with their parents. Everyone of them dealt with varying degrees of guilt about their decision in the beginning. We provided loving support and families were able to come visit Mom in a happy environment. Everyone of them ended up being so grateful that they made the decision to seek help to support their parents and themselves. There are many really good places out there. You can have a life and still take good care of your mom.

Having said that, I have to admit that I totally understand where you are coming from because I sold my business just before covid hit and immediately pulled my mother out of her retirement community and moved her back to her house and became her full time caregiver. She is also wanting to age in place and making it very difficult for me. Her dementia has created daily challenges. You would think I'd be better prepared than most people but, unfortunately my 10 year old self moved in with us too. I want to give her what she wants and she is putting a lot of guilt on me, but when covid is less of a threat I will be looking for a well run, caring, small facility for her to move into.
You are no good as a caregiver or daughter or anything else if you let yourself be completely used up. I had to accept that it's too late to try to gain her approval at this stage in life. Take care of you too.
Blessings
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ievolvetoo Sep 2020
Yessss. I relate to this so much - the dementia, knowing better but responding out of my child-parent experience sometimes vs adult, and plotting my post COVID moves. :) Wishing you and yours peace and safe passage too.
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Honoring your mother doesn’t mean abdicating your own life for her. Making sure she gets good care is honoring her. She is at the point that she needs more than care than any one person can handle alone. I had to place my mother in a care facility because if I had not done so she would have dragged me under. I knew that my healthy minded loving mother would not have wanted that for me. And guess what? My mom likes her place. She brags about how good she has it. It took 8 months of tears but she is well and I am alive. You don’t say whether you are a mother. I am not. I cannot imagine being so selfish that I would indenture my child for years so that I may die the way I wish. Have you firsthand experience with nursing homes? Not all are bad. Have you done some research to identify some homes in your area? Start there. Keep an open mind to the possibility that there is a good home where she would get good care and you could visit and make sure she is cared for. And you could get your life back. That would be a win win AND would be honoring your mother.
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You ask "When they will suffer how do you deal with that".
I have dealt with it. I have discovered that I have limitations. Not everything can be fixed.
I was a nurse. A good nurse. And I loved it. But a nurse works, for very good money in my city, 8 hours a day, then goes home and has a life. And a good pension on retirement.
When my brother, the best man I ever knew, got a diagnosis that meant 24 hour care there was one brief shining moment when I said "If you were any kind of a person at all, you would move in and care for your brother the rest of his life". Brief. Shining. Poof. GONE! I would not be able to do that.
I believe I have a right to a life. I believe that we OWE it to our parents to live a good solid giving loving life, OUR OWN life. The father eagle saves his chicks. His chicks don't return to the nest to care for him in old age. They make their OWN nest and care for their own eaglets. Thus does life go on.
Many facilities take patients now. Often they ask you isolate for 14 days before, and they isolate in facility for 14 days after. But as they say, one day covid will be gone. (like a miracle. sorry)
I think that it is time to have the honest conversation. You have given up years of your life already. Will this be easy? No. Will there be tears? Yes. For you both. But this is the circle of life, how it goes. Assure Mom you will do the best you can for her, but that you cannot continue to do care 24/7 and still have a life.
This is YOUR one life and this is YOUR choice, and you will have to make it. There is no choice you can make that doesn't come without pain. You and your Mom WILL suffer from the choice. Whatever choice you make, there WILL be suffering. Life is worth grieving when it comes to these things. I am so sorry for all the pain, but neither your choices nor my sorriness will stave off pain.
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Note: We are in Tennessee.
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