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No. Non.

That's it. No reasons. Just no, I cannot provide the care my Mother needs. Another solution needs to be found.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
thats why I wanted to come to this forum, I wanted to see if it was as insane as I thought it was! I couldn’t believe it when they told me they wanted to discharge her on Wednesday. I wanted to see if it was as unrealistic as I thought it was, and that was confirmed by this forum. Your answers have given me so much comfort, I needed this support thank you!
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Rosebud, agree that you are an awful daughter. Say that you don't care for any of them, ha ha. Let them choke on that! It stops the argument.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
😂😂 that’s the perfect answer, because this is honestly madness! It’s not good for me or my mom, I can’t believe the hospital even suggested it.
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"Before accepting a diagnosis of mental illness, check and make sure you're not simply surrounded by a$$holes".

That's a bit of wisdom that I'm sure I'm mis-quoting...but it sure sounds like it might apply here.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
That definitely applies to the situation! I have agoraphobia, depression, social anxiety, and borderline personality disorder... but I think a lot of that stemmed from my crazy upbringing. It was just never normal.... so let’s just say I’m a late bloomer to adulting properly.. lol
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Rosebud, your family thinks home care is an option because it's not themselves they are trying to force into slavery. No! It is a complete sentence.

The hospital will say whatever it needs to to make her anyone else's problem. Every single hospital stay for either of my parents, I was asked if I was the caregiver. When I said, "No." That put an end to the pressure. They have to ask and they have to find alternative solutions when you say "No.". Only you can force yourself into this, really bad idea, situation.

Please do not get bullied into doing something you know you can't and don't want to. It will not end pretty. BTDT
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
Solid advice. That’s exactly how it felt. The whole meeting was about how great she is doing... her physical condition hasn’t made much improvements since the beginning... her mental condition has gotten a little bit better since she can at least remember some things, but she still is very confused and can’t do regular things. She needs help emotionally and physically that I don’t think I’m able to provide. I also should mention she occasionally gets very delusional and thinks that I was a witness to a m*rder and would insist I go to the police about it... so I’m actually afraid she will get like that and start demanding crazy things or attack me over it because she got pretty nasty with me. She was having very violent delusions as well that have subsided a bit but I’m terrified they will come back. I will not allow myself to get bullied into this! It’s an unsafe situation for everyone. Thanks so much for your support!
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Rosebud, as stressful as this whole situation is for you I think it could actually be a blessing in disguise! You have a chance here, should you choose to accept it, to take charge of your own life. You can decide to say no even if people are unhappy with you. You can prioritize your mental health and healing. You can start making plans for possibly pursuing additional education or employment opportunities. You can consider whether you might be able to eventually move out from dad's place to a place of your own or with a compatible roommate. Etc., etc. etc.!

I think this is a great opportunity and starting point for you. Good luck!
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
That’s exactly what my half sister said! She was the only one who was supportive of my choice. She said take this as motivation to better your life. I couldn’t agree more Snoopy, thank you for your reply!!
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On what ****ing planet is this your father's decision to make? Who the heck asked him?

Why will people shoot themselves in the foot like this..! We would love to take responsibility for my EX wife living in her own home which her abusive ex-boyfriend can't enter because there is a ferocious restraining order poised ready to bite him if he does... Only my daughter is mentally ill so this might all be a bit much for her and my wife wouldn't want me caring for her... but oh, okay, if you folks all think that's best I'm sure we'll cope somehow...

No. Just no. It's a NO.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
exactly! I agree so much with this. Especially since the way she treated my dad and I before this was horrible, and she basically abandoned me for her crappy boyfriends since I was 10 years old. It’s a lot to take on for someone who has been involved in your life and showed they cared for you, let alone someone who abandoned you and is only nice to you now because they want something out of you. I couldn’t agree more with what you said. It’s so frustrating... because they don’t respect my opinion enough to even talk to me about it. It seems everyone tried to make the decision for me and pressure me into something I was never in agreement with from the beginning
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Why does your DAD have anything to say about this?

Call the head of this "team and tell her/him in advance of this weeting that you are performing no care tasks.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
I don’t know they just seem to respect him more and don’t really seem to value anything I say due to my mental illness, they would rather talk to him. I understand that to an extent because I do suck at communicating sometimes, but when it comes to something like this you think they would talk to the person who they want to be the caregiver about the decision before going forward with a discharge. They just took my dads word, which wasn’t even saying that was something we were definitely going to do... he just said it was an option and suddenly it became that was our only option. Wish he hadn’t said it. He also told them I’m not working, which is because I’m currently seeking therapy and trying to get better so I can face the world and become a productive member of society. They used that against me too at the meeting, basically you aren’t working so you might as well take on this responsibility. Honestly I struggle to take care of myself, my cat, my moms dog who I took in while she’s in the hospital, my bf and dad who also has his set of issues... I don’t know how I’m going to care for someone 24/7 that needs a lot more help than I’m probably even capable of providing.
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Rosebud, is the abusive boyfriend still resident in the home your mother would be discharged to?

If so - well. What can you say.

If not - she would be going to an empty house.

How did the assembled health care team get it into their collective head that you and your father would possibly be supportive of her going home to the extent of being there and doing the work?

That wouldn't be because you and he appeared to treat the proposition as if it wasn't completely barking, would it?
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
He has a restraining order on the property but I’m not sure how long that’s going to last. It would just be me doing the care since my dad and mom have been divorced for 18 years. No one ever talks to me about anything really, and when I do I feel they don’t want to give me any straight answers. My dad was open to them about my mental illness and ever since then they haven’t been treating me with any respect due to decision making. They go to my dad instead. They talked to my dad and I think he said he would consider home care as an option, not a definite thing... and next thing you know they set up a family meeting and wanted to discharge her home. It was never something I was comfortable doing and no one even involved me in the decision, even though I’m the one who actually is going to be the one doing it. I wish he hadn’t said anything because I feel that’s what made this plan come into action. I had continually been in support of long term care since the beginning because I feel it is the right thing.
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Maybe change your answer completely.

Like this:

"1. This would be an unsafe discharge.
2. I'm moving to Florida, to start a business with my new friend, Cxmoody."

Then, the rehab will HAVE to find a placement for Mom. They will have no other choice.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
that sounds like a great idea! It wouldn’t be incorrect either, I genuinely believe the hospital is in the wrong here trying to discharge her home. Having a reason why I can’t do it would make it even better. I will definitely try that. Thanks, Cxmoody!!
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Sorry, Rosebud - the ten family members - minyan or not - CANNOT decide that you will move in with your mother and be her primary caregiver. No more than your mother can.

You're not already living in her home or something, are you? It's just that otherwise I can't see the difficulty in announcing that if she is discharged home on Wednesday you will not be there in support.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
It was 10 nurses, doctors, social worker, and physiotherapist putting the pressure on. I agree though, as much as they want it to be their choice, the choice is still mine. I live with my father and haven’t lived with her since I was 16 years old, I am 28 now. She would be moving into a home that I’m not even sure is stable because she is currently in a breakup with her abusive boyfriend who has his name on the house as well. To me it seems like an unsafe discharge
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Please tell them from me to sod off (that's the expression, yes?)

Your mother deserves far better care than being isolated at home with one unqualified caregiver.

She needs professional long term care. Period.

How DARE they!
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
That’s exactly what I feel like saying that’s for sure! I agree completely. I don’t feel I’m able to provide the level of care my mother needs, so if anything I’m advocating for her by demanding she get better care! She really wants to go home but I know it isn’t the best option for her. I’m not trained to do any of this and have no idea how to change diapers on an adult or do safe transfers. Your answer was very helpful, thank you!
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Hospitals are for people who need hospital care. They are not long term living options or rehab facilities. Where I am in Oz, this has been clearly understood and enforced for as long as I know, because hospitals are so much more expensive for the taxpayer. People can’t stay in hospital if they don’t need around the clock nursing and immediate access to high level medical care.

We had a Canadian poster a year or so ago who indicated that this had fairly recently been enforced in Canada, and was causing problems because there weren’t enough facilities to send people on to. That seems to be where you are at.

My guess is that you won’t be able to keep M in hospital. Your only option is to refuse to take her in yourself. That’s your decision. They can’t force you to take her. Your best option is to let the State take over responsibility for her options. She may end up being sent to somewhere which is inconvenient for you to visit, but there is no reason to assume that will be worse for either of you.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
That makes sense, but in this case my mom does require 24/7 care and supervision... so maybe it would be required that they keep her in rehab until they find an LTC home. Unfortunately that may be what I have to do. I would prefer her to be closer but I may not have the option. Hopefully I can move her in the future somewhere closer!
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Does this new plan, seriously, depend on your willingness to move in to your mother's house and become her primary caregiver for all but one hour a day?

And you would agree to this because..?

You mention dementia, but it sounds as though the next step is still mother's decision to make. If she decides she wants to go home then that should be facilitated, for sure. But not by you. She doesn't have the right to decide that you are responsible for providing her with full-time care. The hospital wants to make that happen, they will have to do it without your co-operation.

Is it more complicated than that?
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
This new plan came into play because the social worker suggested it, and my dad said it was an OPTION not something we would definitely be doing... and suddenly it was the forefront plan that they had collectively decided on. I never agreed to it but have been feeling a lot of pressure from my family, mom, and distant relatives to make this decision. I never felt it was the right thing to do. I agree though, I guess it’s best to keep the ball in the hospitals court and let them sort it out. I’m supposed to tell them on Tuesday what my decision is so it’s still not set in stone, just was feeling a great deal of pressure. There was like 10 people in the family meeting and they hardly allowed me to get a word in, all of them were insisting on home care and it felt I was left out of the decision making process even though it’s my life that will be impacted by this. It was very frustrating. I agree though if she wants to go home they will have to arrange someone else to do this that is qualified to care for her. Thanks for your reply!
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HUGS....
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You need to tell the hospital you are unable to take on the responsibility and are unable to safely take care of her. You do not have to be the 24/7 caregiver, in fact you do not have to be her caregiver for any amount of time. Just tell the hospital you are unable and she can not be released to an environment that will be detrimental to her health. Just say no, be firm and stay strong!
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
your advice means a lot, thank you for taking the time to reply. I will definitely tell them that, I’m just worried about the long waiting list and where they will be placing her if I say no to taking her... but I guess that’s out of my control. I hope it goes over well!
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Your Mom needs placement for your own health. If you take her back home after hospitalization and rehab I think you will not ever pry her out of your home. You should have been planning with discharge planning personnel as soon as Mom went into rehab. But as he is still there it isn't too late.
Guilt is a word I am finding tiresome now. It isn't what you are feeling. You a GRIEVING, the other g-word. Not everything can be fixed. Guilt infers that you caused and can change all of this; you didn't cause it and you can't change it. You can only save yourself and your own life.
No one is going to change your siblings either. Not us and not you. Step away from them. You should now have your own job and your own family (which needn't be blood relationship).
Take care of yourself and your ONE LIFE TO LIVE.
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Rosebud33 Feb 2023
I agree completely, and I appreciate your reply. I’m still young and this is an huge responsibility to take on, I think that she deserves better care than I’m able to provide on my own as well. Thank you for your advice ☺️
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