My husband has stage 4 cancer everywhere. Recently diagnosed, I am not getting any picture of what to expect. My husband doesn’t want to know. I know his spinal tumors can cause paralysis and his brain tumors can affect everything. He’s got liver tumors, bone tumors, and esophageal tumors. The doctors evade my questions and I don’t want to hurt my husband’s feelings. They keep talking to him as if there’s a cure, even though he’s on palliative care. I don’t think he knows what that means! One NP told me I have to give him hope. Then a week later looked at me incredulously when I said he was driving and almost got us killed. No one told him he shouldn’t drive. Radiation and chemo has made talking to him even more difficult. Not to mention the drugs he his taking.
How can I get someone to give me honest answers when he isn’t right there listening?
Do you think your husband's wish "not to know" is an active choice, or just his line of least resistance?
You've put me in mind of a time when a friend told me his workplace had asked him to sign a "get well soon" card for a colleague, who was going on leave for cancer treatment. "Not a chance!" he said, and he mimed writing across a corner of the page. I hope that isn't really what he'd written in it (though I wouldn't quite put it past him, alas).
There is positive mental attitude, and then there is false hope, or even nonsensical pretence of hope that leads to exploitation and insults to the intelligence.
On the other hand, there is truthfulness and then there is calling a spade a damn shovel.
There is considerate reticence, and then there is withholding essential information that a person needs. E.g. these medications may severely affect your ability to operate machinery. Including cars.
You know your husband best, you know where the right point of balance is for him so that he is told what he needs to know, without being forced to hear what he genuinely (at the moment anyway) does not want to know. Isn't there anyone on his healthcare team you can trust to state the facts without crushing all hope?
I am all for having hope, but there are just times when we all have to face reality.
I'm sorry this is yours. God bless you both.
This will allow you to discuss his medical information with his doctor without your husband having to be present. You will also be able to give info to his doctor that the team will be able to act upon.
You do not need to wait for anyone to tell your husband not to drive. My uncle killed his own wife in an accident because his children didn't have the courage to just end it. She was a 2-time cancer survivor. It also injured people in the other car. Do whatever it takes to prevent him from driving. I don't know how a doctor can write a note when the doctor never sees him driving. This is why you may need to anonymously report him online to the DMV and they can act to end his privilege. Or, you disable or remove the car. You keep all sets of keys, etc.
I'm so sorry for your husband's diagnosis and the stress and chaos it has thrown you into. Be sure to speak to his doctor about depression, as they may be able to do something about this as well.
As for the driving, get a letter from the doctor as well, stating that he should not be driving. Then report it to the DMV.
You need to start thinking out of the box for him and your own safety.
Health Care professionals always want to play make believe when it comes to the final solution, death.
My father had small cell carcinoma of the lungs, he had over 100 tumors in his lungs, so I tell the doctor point blank I want the truth no "let's pretend" so he says "Well, with chemo he could live 6 months or longer, after all there are miracles". Me: "Oh please from the looks of the xrays he won't be here in a week, stop all treatments". He died 2 days later.
My SIL used to be a cancer clinic social worker and often had to sit with people to explain what the doctors had told them, so that's another possibility.
And do you have hospice on board? The nurses there should be able to interpret his chart and are more apt to have the kind of answers you need.
Have you ever heard of the book Being Mortal by Atul Gawande? It's a very good read that discusses the conflict between end of life care and modern medicine.
https://www.agingcare.com/products/being-mortal-medicine-and-what-matters-in-the-end-433866.htm