My 82-year-old grandmother lost a son to cancer 5 years ago. She requested all life sustaining measures even when the cancer returned and metastasized to his bones and brain. His brain swelled and she even had the doctors drill a hole in his brain to drain the fluid. He went to her home on hospice where he died a day later. She recounts the story today as if it were yesterday. She still doesn't sleep and is not over his death. He was 59.
Now, my mother is at the end of life at 59, multiple medical issues including cancer, but that is not the primary issue. She listed me as medical power of attorney. The youngest child of 3 age 39 and we discussed in detail what she did and did not want years before her sickness took over. She did not want all the life-sustaining measures her brother received and she did not want her mother to watch her die and carry the burden of her death like her brother.
My grandmother now wants to be by my mom's side all night in the event she passes away and she also wants to bring her to her home on hospice. All the things my mother did not want. My grandmother is angry at me saying I am keeping things from her and isn't really speaking to me.
How do I honor my mother’s wishes and still maintain a great relationship with my grandmother?
If by honoring your mother’s wishes, your great relationship with your grandmother suffers in the process, that’s one of the lousy miserable rotten things that happen when people get old.
There are some situations in dealing with the problems of the elderly where none of the possible choices yields a happy ending.
You’re caught in the middle of this tragedy, and your feelings count too.
Unless your mother wants to be brought home, she needs to be where she receives the best care, pain management, and simple comforts.
Please try to be kind and loving to yourself during this painful time. You are doing an amazing job.
I learned some new things about the active role my mom played in caring for her brother during the end of his life. It sounded very traumatic for all involved. Mom played the role of nurse even administering his morphine.
They acknowledged that what she wanted and how she planned it sounds like something she would do because of what they all went through with her brother. They said none of them would be strong enough to make the hard decisions and she took care of all of them, especially those that are questioning everything.
Some even thanked me for being strong and acknowledged my mom knew what she was doing in appointing me POA. I explained exactly what she wanted down to the details of how she did not want my grandmother to watch her die. GM broke down and said how she's still not over her son's death from 5 years ago.
No one really had any questions, so only time will tell if they fully accept where we are right now and where we are going.
I have so many mixed emotions from grieving mom and how others crucified me that I can't even cry anymore. I think I'm in shock, but will fall apart at some point.
Thank you all so much ❤️
So this is when you get to be the Bad Guy by doing what mom wants, and let the others cluck their tongues in response. They weren't tasked with the dreadful job you were, so it's easier for them to be the Armchair Critics and tell you what 'they would do' and what 'you are doing wrong.' You are simply carrying out mom's wishes, that's all, hard as it is to do.
Death is hard to deal with, hard to process, and the ensuing grief tends to come along with guilt and other assorted emotional baggage for the survivors.
Wishing you Godspeed with all you have to deal with, which includes a lot of grief of your own to process.
I'm sorry that your family is treating you this way.
I think you need to become a boring broken record who says "this is what mom wants; this is what mom CHARGED me with doing. She recently confirmed this. This is not MY choice; it's hers."
Write that on an index card and keep it near your phone.
There are folks who believe that suffering is "good for the soul"; there are folks who are so fearful of death that they insist on fighting cancer despite terrible quality of life at the end. I doubt you can make anyone in your family see your mom's point of view, but get some materials from various hospice organizations and let them look at them.
And it's really unlikely she is hanging on for anything other than that the body does NOT give up easily. It can adjust to an unimaginable amount of insult.
Good for you for embracing your duty of protection for your Mom. As to grandma, I simply couldn't care less. I honestly have no use for people who allow others to be in torment because they cannot let them go. While I can sympathize a bit with her I cannot empathize. I cannot imagine putting a loved one through needless pain and torment.
Mom said she just wants to rest and I'm ensuring she does that. The process of dying is very complicated and I am assuming my family thought when the life sustaining medications were removed she would pass. This has not been the case. We are on day 3. Now they are hopeful that she will get better and leave the hospital. They are now requesting a feeding tube.
Oh boy, and then there was ONE. Now it's just me carrying out my mother's wishes. My middle brother has tapped out. He told us he doesn't care if we honor our mother's wishes or just do what our grandmother wants. He says it's too much for him.
The Lord has been my strength through all of this, but it's very hard and lonely to do the right thing.
Grandma sounds like she wants to be the star of the show. A reap all the "grieving mother" kudos.
Your mom saw what her brother went through when her mother was running things and arranged for THAT not to be her fate.
Please don't think about your popularity with your family; think ONLY about what your mom told you she wanted.
Your Grandmother sounds a bit doty to me, that irregardless of her grief. She also sounds a bit self-centered, disregarding the wishes of her own daughter and the children of that daughter.
Honestly, I am sorry if this sounds tough, but you DID ask. You need to embrace the duty given you by your Mom and act EXACTLY as she directed you. Whether or not your grandmother still loves you doesn't figure in this. I shudder to imagine being your Mom, caught between a doty Mom and a questioning daughter. As an RN it makes me cringe.
I am terribly sorry for this grief, for all your Mom is and has been going through, and for your coming loss. I can only wish you the best, and the strength to embrace your duty to your Mom.
I grieve for my mother being in this position of not wanting to disappoint her mother, but have her child honor her wishes that are opposite of her mother's.
One of the major issues is I had those hard conversations with my mother at least 2 years ago when she documented everything. Well before any major health concerns came up. I have served other families in my career having these same conversations and walking them through the grieving process.
It seems like none of my family spoke with her about the what ifs. Things may be a little different if mom told everyone I would be POA and what her wishes were so they wouldn't think I'm not making the right decisions.
Mom is conscious enough to nod and give short answers. I told them that I asked her again what her wishes were and she nodded with the same answers. I told them to ask her and they refuse to do so.
Hopefully this family meeting will clear things up.
Don't get into it with her, you have already explained to her what your mother's wishes are and I wouldn't keep explaining beyond a brief "no, that isn't what she wanted", then end the conversation. Hang up or leave the room if necessary, you don't need to fight, you can still be polite when you do that - "grandma I'm sorry but I won't discuss this any more, I'll see you later".
I'm coming back to ask about whether there is a hospice suite in the hospital or a hospice facility available to you? Being in a place that specializes in the end of life felt very different to me than being in a hospital setting. ((hugs))
The doctor recommended inpatient hospice as a next possible step so my siblings and I discussed it. My eldest brother immediately called grandma. Now grandma confronted my middle brother saying, "what's this I hear about hospice, I'm taking her home with me." This is a mess!
The doctors will speak with all of us at the same time today to discuss everything so we all hear it at the same time. Including palliative care.
Your number one job is to protect your mother from that same outcome. And you are doing the right thing. Grandma may or may not come around after mom passes and that is her choice.
I know this is such a difficult time, made even worse by grandma taking such a stance. Why is that 'loved ones' make our jobs SO MUCH harder by imposing THEIR WILL on us when we have a job to do that they disagree with? Makes things 1000x harder and more stressful than it has to be. Maybe grandma is suffering from dementia now and unable to step back and let you do as you must. Do what you have to do for mom, THEN worry about reviving the relationship with grandma. That's what I'd do. You can't do both things at once here w/o getting someone upset, so grandma is the one who has to lose out. The thought of doing to your mom what gma did to her son is absolutely unthinkable and cruel, and precisely why mom did not want her handling her end of life wishes.
Best of luck with such a difficult situation. Wishing you peace and Godspeed as you move forward.
Being a POA is not easy. Often the things we are called to do are not popular with extended family.
I think I would explain to GM that as your mother’s POA you are required to follow your mother’s instructions. That you understand how difficult it must be for her to know her daughter is dying but you must put your mom’s wishes ahead of your GM’s.
I would also watch for your mom’s reaction to GM’s presence. If possible let her reaction guide you. Is she glad to see her mom or is it stressful for her?
Do you need GM to help? Can she help in ways like running errands or doing laundry or making meals?
Realize that it is your mom’s situation that GM is really upset about. I am so sorry you are all going through this.
Yes, I have told her, my aunt and oldest brother have also told her my mother's wishes. GM made all of the decisions regarding my uncles care and it seems she feels slighted that she does not get to do the same for her daughter.
All of the focus is on my GM and what she wants.
In your shoes, I would continue to honour my Mother's wishes.
I would seek grief counsellor/hospice nurse/pastoral care/faith leader - a professional in this area - have THIS person sit down & discuss things with Grandmother. Explain what Mother's wishes are. What is planned. Talk it through.
Maybe Grandmother will gain some new perspective.. or maybe not 😞. Either way, you will have removed yourself from conversations/disagreements about treatments & wishes. The difference of views is between your Mother & her Mother - I don't feel it is fair to you to be caught in that, or have to fix or smooth that. They are allowed to disagree. That Mother's plans do.not agree with Grandmother's wishes may cause her sadness, bit it could bring her pride - that her brave daughter has chosen her oath with knowledge & dignity.
Wishing you peace.
I cannot imagine losing a child, or losing 2 in 5 years. I grieve for my GM and even had the doctor review the scans and talk to her about how my mother made the decision to name me as POA to protect her. GM is used to making all of the decisions. What GM doesn't understand is that I am actually the one in my mother's immediate family to make all the pertinent decisions. I am the one my mother and brothers always call on.