Hello all,
It definitely had got to the point that all this is on me. My grandpa was discharged from the hospital this past week; transferred to the skilled rehab facility for PT/OT. Now his family is having my phone on blast to check on him. I visit on the weekend; he would ask me to bring a few things he would need. So he would list items he would want for me to find; make sure his bills are paid (electronically or by phone); check the mail (important correspondence), etc.
I work full time during the week; trying to go on a weekday will make me crash; feeling exhausted and not focused; Knowingly I have to wake up early and go to work.
Everyone else says "ask the dr and nurse, this and that and the other"over & over. I am doing what I am able to do. I have no control over the medical staff. I do ask questions and inquire. I even call and ask for info, dr info etc. Grandpa sees me most of the time; though it's only a couple of hours I give; when I can. I have a life to live too. And grandpa knows I have responsibilities. I try to stay humble only for grandpa. I don't want empathy. I just want his family to understand I can't pull all this weight; everyone needs to do their part. Just because I live near by, that doesn't me I am able to do all. I work, I have my studies, I live with my domestic partner and we at times have things to do together. This is causing a strain. I want to see grandpa get his strength back and and in good health. How could I live my life without the pressure?
Please advise.
Thank you.
Overwhelmed Grand
P.S. I am glad there is a site like this for loved ones and family to post their concerns and questions; feeling free without judgment.
I fear the next assumption will be assuming caregiving and having granddad live with you and your partner. If this day comes, please hold strong and refuse. Being in rehab is the perfect time to transition to assisted living where granddad will be professionally cared for. You deserve to have your own life and be happy.
It sounds like your grandpa want to stay in his home, but he needs nearly full time care.
A retirement facility may be a good solution. Your grandpa will meet people and he won’t be alone. He can get his PT and OT in the facility. Also, all his meals will be prepared.
I think many older people fight a move and then they make friends and have a more active life and a sense of community.
Sounds like the family is happy to let you manage all your grandpa’s care so you need to speak up for yourself. You need to find balance so you don’t burn out.
What would it look like if everyone "did their part"? What aspects of your stepgrandfather's care could be done by others?
You've written on this site since 2014. You mentioned your grandmother back then. Is she still alive?
Also back then you mentioned that your brother couldn't be involved because he lives in Mount Vernon. That is 16.9 miles and 27 minutes away. That is not far away.
Did you have a great relationship with your stepgrandfather? If not, step away, and let his blood relatives take over. I'm assuming your grandmother has passed on.
You've been involved since at least 2014, and probably before that, right? You've done your time. Time to live your life without this stress, as apparently everyone else has been doing for years.
Questions about his rehabilitation, medical and health care, next steps: your grandfather needs to create a MPOA and select one of his own family to manage it. The people who are "blasting" your phone can then blast that person's, instead.
I'm sorry if I sound grumpy in asking this, but what relation is this man to you exactly? You say he had no children. What role has he played in your life, and how long for, and how come?
They are all phone pests. All calling to know, ask, direct & suggest. Hmm.
Why? Are they anxious types?
Or all care but no actual responsibility? Happy to care but not actually DO anything (very happy for you to do the doing). Live too far to DO but want to control? Aka nervous Nellies, backseat drivers or long distant supervisors.
What to do with 'em?
Someone needs to take charge & herd this group of anxious cats into a hierarchy!
Train them.
"Grandpa is *insert* unwell but stable / doing well / doing great. He is set to *insert* move to rehab / go home by *date*.
Lead, Follow, Get outta the way. (I so love that saying).
Who is The Lead here? Is Grandpa in charge of his medical decisions, his bills etc? If Grandpa IS - jackpot.. Direct ALL calls direct to the man himself.
Now if not, just who is his MPOA & his financial POA? THIS person/people are who you direct all calls to.
If this is YOU.. then you are The Lead. This means all the others will have to Follow. Be updated with reasonable info from you at reasonable times. NOT on demand 24/7.
Last option (Get) is they kindly get the message to calm down. "Thankyou for your concern. I'm sure Grandpa would appreciate a nice card".
message detailing her progress. Not one ever thanked me so it wasn’t worth my time, but at least it kept them from calling umpteen times a day when I was doing patient care. I’ve concluded now that I won’t do it again. His sisters don’t really need to know the nature of his bowel movements anyway. There’s a site called CaringBridge, and you can set up an account there for a sick person daily update so people can sign in and check. That might be the best way to handle it.