Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
I'm sorry that your mom is having so many problems. I think a lot of her issues could be due to her smoking, drinking and drugs. They're hard on a body. And make someone old well before their time.

You and your family are lucky that you rightfully realized that you could not possibly take on the care of your mother. You are waaaaay too busy and as I know you know, your priorities have to be your hubby and your babies.

Mom will get the care she needs in the nursing home. She may not like it but her choices and her bad luck have put her in a very bad way that you could not possibly handle at home.

Give yourself permission to put yourself and your family first. Squash that guilt and know that your mom is safe and where she should be. Bringing her to your home would not have been in her best interest.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

"Sending her off to a nursing home" is nothing to feel guilty about. You're making it possible for her to get the help she needs. It may turn out to the best thing you've ever done for her.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

You should be guilty because you've literally done what's best for her. If she lived with you she'd suffer terribly as would you, and you know it.

Understand that you've done the right thing for her care. The sadness you feel for what has happened to her is a different feeling and entirely justified. Just don't confuse sadless and guilt. There is nothing to be guilty about.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Yes you’re right, thank you for your words!
she is young but in very poor health before this happened.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
You saw to it that your mom was placed somewhere safe. That is the most you can do. Look at it this way, living with you would not be safe. For her, for you, for your marriage, for your kids.

She is in this situation because of her own life choices. You are not accountable for those choices.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Thank you this is absolutely true.
(2)
Report
Your profile says your Mom is only 64 years old... this is extra hard because technichally (and relatively speaking) she is not very old.

It's not your fault she is an alcoholic, opiod addict and smoker for 50+ yrs.
It's not your fault she fell and broke her hip.
It's not your fault she fell a 2nd time and re-broke her hip.
It's not your fault she had a resulting stroke and now has paralysis.
It's not your fault she became septic.
It's not your fault she developed a hematoma and required a 2nd surgery.
It's not your fault that she requires way more care than anyone can provide in a home.

None of what happened *to* her is your fault. And, it's definitely not your fault that you are prioritizing your own young family -- as you absolutely should.

Think of your feelings as grief, not guilt. At this point and in your circumstances you can only provide "least bad option" for your Mom, and that is her getting ALL the care and attention she needs in a facility. I hope you are not the one paying for it. Please don't do this. You are robbing from your own kids if you are.

If your Mom gets kicked out because she can't stop using, that's her problem to solve, not yours. Have you considered that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her? Have you ever talked to a therapist about this or about healthy boundaries? You are NOT responsible for her care, recovery or happiness. Please work on boundaries and rejecting guilt. May you receive peace in your heart.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report
Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Hey thank you for your insight, yes I definitely plan on getting counseling for myself as soon as all this dies down. I want to heal myself so I can be a better mom,
(9)
Report
See 2 more replies
You're using the wrong "G" word. What you're feeling is grief and not guilt. Often people get the 2 words mixed up. You're grieving for the mom you never had, and will never have, and for all she's been through(though she brought it on herself, if truth be told)and how her bad choices have now led her to require 24/7 care that you of course cannot give her.
She's where she needs to be. In your heart of hearts you know that. There's NO way you could care for her without hiring a team of outside help to assist you, so just take comfort in the fact that your mom is now safe, will be cared for, and won't be able to drink or abuse any opioids.
And they will best be able to treat her addictions, so she can safely detox from them.
Hang in there. You're doing the right thing. Your husband and children must come first and should be your only priority.
Your mom has made her bed and now she will have to lie in it.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Thank you, you’re totally right,
(4)
Report
I would get her into a NH and talk to hospice about a evaluation . Guilt is Not a emotion . I would Place my energy and focus on your Little Ones who need you .
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Slothlover2019 Oct 2022
Definitely focusing on them, they will always come first. Thank you for the advice!
(7)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter