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Why are you taking on this responsibility to care for your grandmother?
More than taking her as a responsibility, you are saying "thank you for abusing me" (emotionally, psychologically) by putting up with it.

Why do you accept this behavior? Really.
Sit down:
(1) with yourself and write in a journal and ask yourself "what is running me?" Why am I taking on this role?
(2) discuss with your fiance reasons why you allow her to dis-empower you. You need to find you inside you and take back your God/dess given personal power (develop self-esteem, self-worth, self-respect, boundaries, realizing you deserve all this).
AND . . . BY THE WAY, where is YOUR mother? It's her mother, why isn't she taking on this responsibility. Too busy with her boyfriend?
* STOP. This is a family matter, not a burden on a granddaughter.
* Once you get clear with your needs with yourself, you will have more / the strength to do what you need to do - yes, it may be hard as you are used to allowing her (and others?) to treat you this way; expect it to bring out lots of emotions (and emotional pain) inside you.

You need to:
(1) facilitate her moving
(2) Talk to her directly about options;
(3) Do NOT allowing her to blow you over like a steamroller.

* "IF" moving her out is not an option, you need to:
- Get caregiver help. You pay, she pays, your mom pays.
- You need your space.

* Best scenario - start loving yourself and look for options.

* I send you healing thoughts and ask that you pray to whatever or whoever to gain the strength to take the steps you need to take. Do NOT allow anyone to abuse you/r good will, and vulnerability. I asked God or some spiritual entity to give me the Serenity ... Read the serenity prayer. It will help you if you really process/consider it thoughtfully. Gena.

Does she have a POA? for healthcare? finances?
The only way (from my perspective) that you are 'forced into' this role is by you thinking this is true. You have to make other arrangements for her to live elsewhere.
- Start looking: whatever she can afford be it an apt., senior housing with varying levels of care, county/state financial assistance. Do your homework and be prepared.
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Your mother needs to help you move your grandmother to other accommodations.  You and your husband need a life together alone and not in the caregiving role for your grandmother.  You are going to have to be clear and concise with your mother and grandmother.  It is kind of dirty pool that your mom thinks it's ok to leave you with the responsibility of her mother.  Just tell them both how it is...you have your own health issues and are in no position to be caregiver to your grandmother.  Let's put our heads together to get grandma the assistance she needs.
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I take care of my 86 year old mother who has dementia and Parkinson’s. I just turned 60 and I have a lot of health problems too. I’m on disability due to having 2 back surgeries and 1 neck surgery. I’ve have chronic back pain with 3 bulging discs in my back and 2 in my neck. I understand exactly how you feel. It’s hard taking care of someone when you’re in a lot of pain. Your mother should be the one taking care of your grandmother, not you. Prayers for you 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤️
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Caregiving is an extremely tough job and not everyone wants to do it nor is cut out to and that's OK! That's why there are many professionals and facilities out there- just for that.
I'll give you a personal example to drive this home- two of our family members had 10 children. When the time came for them to need care, they went into a multi needs assisted living facility- not any of their children's homes.
It's not fair to someone to be thrust into the caregiver role when they cannot nor do not want to do it. In the case of an elder who has lived their life, they are now taking the life out of their caregiver if that caregiver does not want to be in that role!
I completely understand how your grandmother now feels it is "her" house so she can take over. I am going through some of this with my mom (you can see my "rules" I made up, which have worked to some degree :). She sees herself as being in charge due to being the grandmother.
Is there some way you and your mom can get together to come up with a plan for either home health aides or placement?
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I'm a 24/7 caregiver. You need to get your grandmother out of your house. Either to your mother or a seperate apartmentt or a LTC facility.Try to get a POA. One of the best investments I made as a caregiver was to have a one hour consultation with an Elder Care Attorney. The suggestion came from my own attorney. The result of the one hour was one of the best decisions I made regarding LTC. You need to protect your strength and sanity.
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Talk to your mom again. Contact local social services for seniors.
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I suggest a good elder care lawyer to help you out. You need to be cared for first due to your many physical illnesses. Even though you have a fiance, you are not legally married so he does not have any " skin in the game ". What happens to you if fiance moves on ? He has no legal obligation to you. Therefore, since you have property, you need to protect your money and yourself first. The lawyer can also advise you to find a legal guardian for your grandmother as you are not able to do this job. The guardian can be appointed by the court. Then the guardian can make decisions for your grandmother. Such as how she is to be cared for. I also suggest you have a plan for your future care as you have many illnesses and you dont know what the future may bring to you. It is best to now have a plan and person set up so that when the time comes your wishes are followed through.
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Wow you have a lot on your plate right now but you need to figure out where your grandmother can go live! I know you love your grandmother but you have to realize that your not healthy enough to take care of her. If your mother doesn't care to help than you must do something soon. I hope you make the right decision for you and your fiance. Good luck and do what is right for all of you!
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smallbackpack, just read your 'how do I avoid the caregiver role?', I didn't want to avoid it but like you have health issues and knew my wife needed activities and socialization could not provide at home, even with home health care. Decided to try a Health Care Manager that is a member of Aging Life Care Association, www.aginglifecare.org. On the ALCA website is a orange bar at the top 'find an aging life care expert' where you can search members in your area. Might be another source to find the answers you need. Wishing you the best.
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