How do I be nice every darned day?

Hi fellow elder care people,

I sure could use some advice, please?

My elderly aunt, 70, has been mentally handicapped since birth, but functioned enough to live alone all her life. She's hard of hearing since her 40s and won't wear an amplifier or a hearing aid. On 2/13 she fell out of the shower, didn't call for help for 16 hours, and when I got there, bone was poking through her ankle AND her wrist was purple AND she had healing bruises on her cheeks, hips and bridge of her nose. There was almost no food in her house, and apparently she's been forgetting her own items at the laundromat she insists on going to, because all the clothing I've bought her is gone, so are all the nice linens, most of her towels, etc. Now I'm in charge of finding an assisted living space once she's out of skilled nursing. She no longer communicates.

My biological father, 80, and his wife, 80, are declining rapidly. Last week my stepmother fell (as she does daily) but this time she fractured one vertebrae and cracked three ribs. *EXTREME* osteoporosis. My father can barely walk, and she is bent over and shuffles in a walker. They bicker all day, every day.

My biological mother, 78, is slipping mentally so rapidly. Her husband is scrambling to cover up her issues and take on everything. He's had 2 strokes already and I'm worried about his stress level.

Today, my biological father cried tears in my car when I was driving him to his 7th dentist's appointment in 30 days. He said that if it comes to putting his wife in assisted living, he'll kill her and himself. (He won't, he's a big blowhard). But he is in deep despair all the time and SO negative.

Meanwhile, I'm running a business amid a pandemic; I have a very demanding career; I am working 60+ hour weeks to make up for the losses of time and money from Covid+ elder care. There will be no inheritance from any of them, so my retirement is moving further away as I care for them all and lose money in the process. I am trying to keep as much of my drama with them as I can from my relationship because my bf definitely "doesn't want to hear it".

I'm exhausted! When any of them call me, it's always 11 minutes before the biggest conference call of the day. My stepmom especially will call 24/7 and ask me, "Honey, where did I put my spare thing?" "What thing?" "You know, the thing I used to use for the eggs." No idea. Or she will panic and leave me five voicemails because she thinks they are "out of sauerkraut". There are now 7 jars in the pantry. I counted this morning.

My biological mother cries because she "loves me so much" whenever she sees me, and asks me questions that are completely loony. She forgets everything these days and only wants to play this repetitive, stupid card game 6-8 hours a day with my dad and me. Ugh!

I feel like I'm falling apart. I've become snappish. I care about them all, but I don't want to care for any of them anymore. I meditate every day. I try to take time for myself, for reading, for relaxing for at least an hour every day. PLEASE help me be less short-tempered, more loving to them! I'm open to every suggestion.

PS = My biological dad told me that he blames himself because my grandfather was so vile to him that he had to go outside for a smoke when grandpa was in the hospital and sure enough, he died during the 10 minutes my dad was outside! I don't want to be mean, but I'm starting to dread all my relatives!!