Hi fellow elder care people,
I sure could use some advice, please?
My elderly aunt, 70, has been mentally handicapped since birth, but functioned enough to live alone all her life. She's hard of hearing since her 40s and won't wear an amplifier or a hearing aid. On 2/13 she fell out of the shower, didn't call for help for 16 hours, and when I got there, bone was poking through her ankle AND her wrist was purple AND she had healing bruises on her cheeks, hips and bridge of her nose. There was almost no food in her house, and apparently she's been forgetting her own items at the laundromat she insists on going to, because all the clothing I've bought her is gone, so are all the nice linens, most of her towels, etc. Now I'm in charge of finding an assisted living space once she's out of skilled nursing. She no longer communicates.
My biological father, 80, and his wife, 80, are declining rapidly. Last week my stepmother fell (as she does daily) but this time she fractured one vertebrae and cracked three ribs. *EXTREME* osteoporosis. My father can barely walk, and she is bent over and shuffles in a walker. They bicker all day, every day.
My biological mother, 78, is slipping mentally so rapidly. Her husband is scrambling to cover up her issues and take on everything. He's had 2 strokes already and I'm worried about his stress level.
Today, my biological father cried tears in my car when I was driving him to his 7th dentist's appointment in 30 days. He said that if it comes to putting his wife in assisted living, he'll kill her and himself. (He won't, he's a big blowhard). But he is in deep despair all the time and SO negative.
Meanwhile, I'm running a business amid a pandemic; I have a very demanding career; I am working 60+ hour weeks to make up for the losses of time and money from Covid+ elder care. There will be no inheritance from any of them, so my retirement is moving further away as I care for them all and lose money in the process. I am trying to keep as much of my drama with them as I can from my relationship because my bf definitely "doesn't want to hear it".
I'm exhausted! When any of them call me, it's always 11 minutes before the biggest conference call of the day. My stepmom especially will call 24/7 and ask me, "Honey, where did I put my spare thing?" "What thing?" "You know, the thing I used to use for the eggs." No idea. Or she will panic and leave me five voicemails because she thinks they are "out of sauerkraut". There are now 7 jars in the pantry. I counted this morning.
My biological mother cries because she "loves me so much" whenever she sees me, and asks me questions that are completely loony. She forgets everything these days and only wants to play this repetitive, stupid card game 6-8 hours a day with my dad and me. Ugh!
I feel like I'm falling apart. I've become snappish. I care about them all, but I don't want to care for any of them anymore. I meditate every day. I try to take time for myself, for reading, for relaxing for at least an hour every day. PLEASE help me be less short-tempered, more loving to them! I'm open to every suggestion.
PS = My biological dad told me that he blames himself because my grandfather was so vile to him that he had to go outside for a smoke when grandpa was in the hospital and sure enough, he died during the 10 minutes my dad was outside! I don't want to be mean, but I'm starting to dread all my relatives!!
Your biological father's father did not WANT him to be in the room when he passed away, which is why he chose that specific 10 minute period to do so while your dad was outside smoking. It was not a 'coincidence' it happened that way. Trying to convince your father of such a thing may be another story entirely, however.
Your biological father will not 'kill himself and his wife' if he has to place his wife in AL, in fact, he can go WITH her into AL and they can live together there in a nice apartment and forget about all the stress they're currently dealing with in a house. You can get him some brochures to look over and make up his mind about, otherwise, you don't have time to listen to negativity all the time and/or to drive him to endless dentist appointments, either. You have a job that's physically killing you and you're already spread too thin as it is, so please dad, give me a break already. Assisted Living is NOT the hellhole these elders seem to think it is, and we 'children' don't have to listen to the nonsensical threats and guilt they heap on us if faced with such a fate. There is no other choice, dad, I can't do this anymore. Period.
Your biological mother is suffering from dementia if she wants to play a card game for 6-8 hrs a day and asks you gibberish-like questions. She'll need an ALF with a Memory Care wing which she can segue into eventually, when the time comes.
When any of them call you, you have exactly 5 minutes to spend on the phone b/c you have an Urgent Meeting to attend in exactly 5 minutes from whatever time it is they called, and that's that. Let the rest of the calls, if not ALL of them, go directly to voice mail. Pick & choose the ones you want to return, and apply the 5 minute rule to each.
You have to set down boundaries with all of these people or YOU will wind up in the hospital from stress related disease. You can wind up dying before any one of them, in reality, b/c dementia can last an awfully long time before it kills an elder.
As far as your b/f goes, why exactly does he not want to hear about YOUR problems? What kind of 'relationship' is it that he only wants to deal with happy times and not help his loved one through bad times and stressful times? As if you wouldn't be there for HIM should one of his family members need him? It may be time to have a Come to Jesus Meeting with this b/f who needs to take YOUR needs into consideration here! You deserve that, my friend. You're worth it.
Sit down & decide how you're going to handle each one of these elders, and how much time & effort you're willing to devote to their issues. There comes a time when elders need more help than is humanly possible for ONE person *YOU* to give to them. That's when the decision is made to go into managed care, or fend for themselves. It's not that you don't care.....it's that you only have two hands and 24 hours in each day, and neither is enough.
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan for YOUR sanity!
They either need a professional helping them, or placement. This is too much for one person.
WHY are you paying for their care? They ALL must have some amount of income, SS, pensions, something. THAT should be paying for them.
Medicaid for them if they don't have Medicare. Look into NH's where you maybe can get a group rate! (Kind of kidding, but not really).....
No one person can maintain this level of care w/o going bonkers. You're starting to see this. Even with all of these folks in some kind of care, you will still be hopping like a bunny trying to get all their care coordinated and organized.
An entire NH staff couldn't effectively do what you're doing.
If you don't downsize, and do it soon--YOU will be the one needing help and who will step up to help you?
Auntie recognizes me, but is unwilling/unable to communicate anymore, and doesn't seem to give a d***. Her brain seems COMPLETELY gone, so she'll soon be in Assisted Living and I will visit...when/if I can.
Biological dad and his wife are in DIRE need of additional care. The county is already giving them a home aide 6 hours/week but they make her do stupid things and don't get her to do what they need. For example, she rearranges furniture weekly, even though that means she doesn't get to cook or do laundry. In June, it will be one year since I took over their miserable lives and moved them to my state. They've declined enormously since then. I am preparing to take actions to put them in a government-funded assisted living, since they are indigent. It's tragic, but all that they can do. They squandered all their money with terrible, reckless financial decisions all their lives, right up until I stepped in.
I am so overwhelmed, sad and stressed out. My instinct is to run away to my real home (in California) and leave them all here in Illinois to rot. That's terrible, but I think about running away from them all, including the boyfriend, every day!
I'm sorry. I can't imagine such a thing being in any way possible.
Is there some limit in your mind. Would seven be OK? Would 9?
It is time for placement for these seniors who cannot manage on their own unless you want to manage your own private nursing home and move them all in. At least then the State would pay you for their care.
I really don't have an answer at all for you. You will have to set some limits or you will eventually buckle under all this, become very ill and totally non-functioning to by then you will likely also be alone. Then what for these FIVE people?
Sorry, but there is no answer but to downsize all of this. It isn't doable.