Husband has, over past few months, exhibited increased sundowning that includes intense agitation, paranoia, confusion, delusions and violence. I have called 911 five times, resulting in two multiple day hospitalizations. This last episode, I was hit in the jaw with a closed fist as I tried to calm him while in bed. He was put on 100 mg of seroquel and depekote given three times daily, to help calm him. I have followed dosing guidelines explicitly, but though he would go to bed easily and fall asleep soon, he would then start waking, getting up and dressing himself and becoming very physical. This latest admission resulted in multiple meetings with doctors, social and case workers with my trying to involve his oldest child as the spokesperson for husband's side of the family, in all conversations and two conference calls, also asking the social worker to call her personally to allow her to ask questions. His daughter is a home healthcare planner at a major hospital nearby. Until now I have felt, as the POA, that I had everyone's support. But upon finding out that the decision had been made to place husband, at least temporarily, in a skilled nursing facility for rehab and further evaluation, they are now attacking me as an uncaring person trying to warehouse him. I am devastated.
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I had siblings that moved out of state to avoid dealing with my parents in their elder years. They never visited them when they were younger either. My siblings continue to judge and criticize me from afar, telling me how bad a person I am and that I'm not doing enough. Wait--what? You say that to me when you are living four states away? What are you doing to help? My father glows about their phone calls saying that they have helped him out so much. He doesn't thank me. I've tolerated these super fakes for years. A lot of people lie to make themselves look better. You have to protect yourself. You deserve to be happy too.
Don’t over complicate this. You are
in the right both legally and morally.
I would only suggest that you pay for about a (2) hour consult with a Board Certified Elder Law Attorney. Take plentyof notes and confirm the validity of your current DPOA, and ask what else you need to know with regard to records, etc for when one of the “in-laws”’or “ex-laws” or downright “outlaws” tries to mess up your life later. The Elder Law Attorney can also direct you in any legal ways to preserve your assets, both joint and individual.
Here in Texas you can file the DPOA with the County Clerk’s office where you live so that the legal existence of that document can’t be disputed.
Once done, you never have to look back or second guess yourself. You wouldn’t even have to ask these questions if you were not a good and loving spouse that was already taking care of him.
“Till death do us part” is not an idle or meaningless oath and God will see your heart and light your way.
I never said this works in every State. My paralegal/notary (I think I may have left out paralegal, but they can't give "legal advice" so to speak either) was GREAT! She was able to "lead" me in the direction of every single Court obstacle I was running into. Since I'm in TX, she in AZ she did A LOT of leg work for me. She has this as a side business but she actually works for an attorney.
The reason I said they know more is because THEY DO THE LEG WORK FOR THE ATTORNEY.
Just like RNs. Ever notice on TV series that it's the nurse who brings things to the attention of the Dr?
Our daughter is an RN and she has stopped Drs from performing surgeries because the combination of drugs patient is on vs the drugs used during surgery could kill the patient. Drs don't really read your chart, the skim over it. Next time you're in the hospital watch who really knows what's in your chart and it ain't your Dr.
Use Attorney if you have significant legal question(s)! You don't need them to fill a form with info you provide and file it.
This was the Loving Thing To Do! You do not want him over medicated to a point where he has no Quality of Life, so this is what you Had To Do!
Daughter who works with Exit Care Plans for big hospital knows that Insurance won't just let you throw him in a NH for your convenience. There has to be a medical necessity! That is what you need to write her. Don't call, message or email. Then add auto reply, " I am not available at this time:
-Spending quality time with my husband.
- Making arrangements for my husband's return as soon as it is safe for him to return home.
I used to have to go across the street to talk down a neighbor who was sundowning. Knowing his core values since childhood was key. I am a Professional Mental Health Counselor, retired.
When/ If he returns, you need to get separate beds I separate rooms, a bed alarm that goes off if he gets up. Also door alarms, if you don't have them already.
I don't know how big your husband is. I would question the doctor on options other than sleeping medications. Benadryl or Melatonin at bed, on top of Seroquel might be a better option.
Final note, long after my Aunt could not recognize her son, she still recognized and remembered the tall handsome man who was always so kind when he visited. She did not realize how infrequently he was able to come, but she remembered his kindness.
Be the Kind Lady who visits, as the disease progresses,...let others do caregiving. Be there to be sure he gets the best of care!
Deal with this type of Alzheimer's Alone you are not capable of doing this alone there is No way !! You are a sweet loveing person to have done so much let his kids help let his kids see what their dad is capable of let one of the kids deal with dads fits of rage you have done the absolute ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN DO by putting him in a Nurseing home!! He is where he belongs !! I have learned that family members who are not as involved in their loved ones life they feel GUILTY so they place BLAME on whoever is makeing decisions ....where were the kids when dad was uncontrollable and violent?? Sounds like you are a complete Angel please know you have not done anything wrong YOU ARE RIGHT!!! I send my hugs to you !!
The reality is they are saying it is okay for you to be abused. It's not okay. And they need to think of it like they are in your shoes.
Make it scary to them. Bring them in and make them empathize and remind them that basic human norms have been violated.
One option is to use video in a public place to create a sense of deep wrongness. Get phone video of the supposedly helpless person wigging out and hurting people. It helps if people scream in the video.
Bring the video with you on a casual meet up. Ask to go for coffee and talk it out with one of the demonizers. Protip: They don't get to act out at you because there are strangers around!
Explain that you have a video you want their advice on. Play the video (one minute or less) just loudly enough so other people look concerned and maybe even whisper to the waiter. A pall of disturbed silence settling over the other guests is great to remind the demonizer that stuff is really f-ed up.
Fun phrases: "I'm not sure whether I'm being silly or not to be afraid of him, can I show you how hard he hits me? Like, just, on your arm a couple times?" Make it scary. Once they refuse? "Okay, so we agree hitting is unacceptable. Apologize to me." They hem and haw? "Okay, so hitting is acceptable. Roll up your sleeve so I get a clear shot. You don't get to say I'm the special one who deserves to be hit and you are not."