My elderly aunt is quite reclusive, although she gets herself to the store and doctor appointments by herself. We try hard to include her in special outings (though she often begs off at the last moment, I'd say 90% of time). When she does agree to come, unfortunately she tends to dress like a bag lady -- we're talking not just shabby clothes, but severely ripped T-shirts (her bra often completely visible), stained (though clean) pants, and shoes that are absolutely falling apart. The problem really isn't hygiene as she keeps herself and her laundry quite clean. Nor does she seem attached to one particular "outfit." It's just that everything she chooses to wear is full of holes.
We give her new and used clothes as gifts - the sort she likes (T-shirts, jeans, etc) and also gift certificates to local clothing stores she can easily drive to - but she never wears them. My sister has stopped asking her to things because she's embarrassed to be seen with her. On at least one occasion, my aunt's entrance into an ordinary restaurant caused murmurs.
My aunt doesn't seem to notice (or care) that anything is wrong with what she chooses to wear... and consistently won't wear the things we give her... any ideas what we can do? (oh, she's also very sensitive and you never know when bringing things up will cause her to stop answering her phone for weeks...)
As other pointed out - depression era rooted deep for many. Those who survived and prospered seemed to maintain restoration & mastery of their "things" as compared to today's world of losing that mastery...we tend to toss things.
Acceptance is a huge thing and dressing is the least of my battles and hers with dementia and advanced heart disease. She has a closet full of clothes that are simply beautiful - but she wants familiar humility and thats fine
Certainly parents and schools set clothing standards for kids. Employers set clothing expectations for employees (but only on company time). Nieces or nephews setting standards for dear old aunties? I'm not so sure about that.
If you just can't, then is there no one else in the family who can discuss this with her? If not then how will the family ever approach her about important issues like ensuring she has a Will and POA, or what her desires are about end of life and her living will, or what will happen if she should become unable to cope on her own any more?
As long as I knew her my grandmother had a big tumor on her cheek -- it looked like she had a jawbreaker in there. She was once staying with us to help with a new baby and my mother had to have a doctor come to the house. He attended to my mother and then glanced at Gram. "Make an appointment with my office. I can remove that growth on an out-patient basis. You won't need to come into a hospital." Clearly my gram was not pleased with this suggestion. I knew that she was self-conscious of this growth. She wore a scarf indoors and out in every season. So here was an appearance problem that could be easily solved, but she chose not to solve it.
My father lost the use of his eye in a childhood accident. The eye stayed in place, but not correctly and it was a noticeable disfiguration for a very attractive man. I'm sure over the years a glass eye had been suggested and if not, he was an intelligent man who could figure it out for himself. But he never fixed that appearance flaw.
I know a person with a cleft lip/cleft palate whose parents had surgery for him at appropriate times during his childhood. But in his late teens he turned down some final fine-tuning cosmetic surgery. He said he really didn't want to be bothered with people who would judge him by his appearance.
If people know there are options to make their appearance more socially acceptable and they choose not to use them, does that make them cognitively impaired?
I have those age spots next to one of my eyes but I never ask the dermatologist to remove nor do I cover them with makeup. My Mom the very same thing but more. My Mom's other sisters also had them, and so did Grandmother. Guess you can say it was our DNA badge for the family :)
Which is not to say she won't get strange looks, and maybe some pity, and maybe some attempts to take advantage of her assumed cognitive problems. I can see why Ellen is concerned. But charged with indecent exposure? I can't imagine it.
But why do some of you choose to attack these good intentions by insinuating that this is controlling behaviour that would infringe the aunt's personal freedoms?
Someone has even used false logic, equating people living happily with a physical disfigurement with people who happen to be dressed sloppily.
As a person with a scarred face myself, and one who is also a careless dresser, I can inform you that most people refrain from commenting on a physical characteristic but almost everybody will point out a loose shoe strap, a button undone, a stain etc and most wearers of such clothes say "thank you" for this thoughtful attention.
Seriously folks, if a person is depressed, or in a tearing hurry, or has other things on their minds, he/she may well go out quite wearing a sweater that is inside out (has happened to me) or a T shirt pulled out of the ironing pile with holes or rips that have been forgotten about. It is not a crime to want to remove and replace the clothes with holes.
Once again, if someone posts a "how to question", please take it at face value.
My LO (cousin) lost a lot of weight, but insisted on wearing clothes that were 3-4 sizes too large. It looked ridiculous and I told her so, but, she didn't care. I bought her new clothes that fit, but, she showed little interest. She also stopped wearing bras in public, which I told her was unacceptable, due to her very large breasts. She ignored me. It became to the point that I refused to go in public with her, and even telling her straight to her face that people would think she was crazy to go out that way, meant nothing to her. She didn't care. I should have known then that her brain was not working properly. As her condition progressed, I had to insist that she bathe, wear bra, brush teeth, etc.
I'd check her fridge for spoiled food, mail for unpaid bills, car for dents, etc. I hope it's something else, but, if it is related to cognitive decline, nothing really helps. I ended up having to set her down, insist she bathe, supervise as she dressed, etc. She just didn't get it. Now, she requires daily care for all her needs.
Definitely look at her income to see how much she gets
Check all of her bills and where all the rest of the money goes. While you're at it, check her house for expired food, specifically look for expanded cans, broken seals, spoiled food, bugs, etc. Check for these signs, I'll bet you a nickel she probably can't afford to take care of herself on what little she gets, especially if she happens to be wasting money on non-essentials. Her clothes is just a sign somethings just not right, and it might very well be something going on with her money. Hopefully no one is stealing her money or taking advantage of her as what's so common in today's world. I would definitely do an investigation and even alert the APSt
Another thing you may as well go ahead and do is to check the condition of her other clothes if she even has any. What you may have to do is replace everything that's less than suitable and just start throwing out all the rags. The final thing you'll need to do is get her out of the ones she's wearing and replace them with a new outfit, but this may require some help from others
Someone mentioned the idea of distracting her and sneaking into her bedroom and quietly replacing some of the rags with new items. I like that idea but just remember to refer to her as Cinderella who has a ferry godmother who must've waved her magic wand and fixed her clothes. Ask her if she ever considered that possibility but it must be done when she's not looking
I'm a worn jeans and t-shirt old lady myself, so maybe I can identify with your aunt.
My reasons:
1) Comfort. I wear good athletic shoes because other shoes make my feet hurt. These don't look too good with dressy clothes, so I'm always weighing foot comfort against dressing up.
2) Hate shopping. I wear my old jeans until they are no longer decent. If I find a brand that fits, I buy 3 or 4 pairs because it's very hard to find some I really like, then I wear them out because shopping is just no fun for me. Maybe you could ask your aunt to go shopping with you, and suggest that she try on some things, too. You may find out why she wears her old clothes forever--because she doesn't look so great in the new clothes available.
3) Identity. I have noticed on the rare occasions when I dress up, people treat me differently--more like a "Grande dame," you might say. Offering to help me. And maybe thinking I'm pretty well-off, so they hope to capitalize on getting on my best side. Maybe even thinking they can knock me over and steal my purse full of money. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm not as vulnerable or as attractive to potential thugs when I'm in running shoes and beat up jeans instead of heels and a skirt.
Now, I don't want to embarrass my family about being seen with me; so if a niece asked me to dress nicer for an important occasion, I'd do it IF it were an event I wanted to attend. You might say, "This is going to be a dress-up affair--I didn't know whether you'd want to go, but we really hope you will. We all would miss your company if you don't. "
The other suggestions about pointing out inappropriate clothes when you arrive to pick her up are good, too, assuming she has other options in the closet. Or getting her something you like and asking her in advance to wear that when you come for her.
Good luck. Sometimes I'd rather just stay home with the dog than get gussied up. Try to get her to be decent and take her to Dairy Queen instead of someplace with a dress code.