Please excuse the lack of punctuation but I’m using Siri to dictate this. First a little about me I’m 51 years old married and still have two kids at home. I am an elder at my local church and at one time we were very active in our church and community. I am self-employed in a very time demanding business. My wife also works full-time. The only sister I had died several years ago so I do not have the support of siblings. We are not very close to my dad's side of the family and most of them are older or have their own families to take care of. While my dad was in his bad health for the many years he was they rarely checked on him. My mom's side of the family is very small. She only has one remaining sibling and he has Alzheimer’s. The only local cousin that I have takes care of his dad and he’s also busy with work and kids. For a long time now I’ve been doing things for my parents which I do not regret. Up until my father died in April they were living at home by themselves and I would just run their errands take them to doctors appointments and check in on them. About six weeks before my father died he was in the hospital and in rehab and I realized very quickly that my mother was not able to stay by herself. My wife and I were taking turns staying with her some at night. After the death of my father we have to stay with her around the clock. We found someone to come in during the day so that we can work. My mother lost over half her income she still has a house payment, utilities, insurance, medicine, basically all the bills that my parents had before my father died. I have on a couple of occasions paid for several of her bills and someone to stay with her but I can no longer afford to do that. However my mother does not have enough coming in to pay someone full time. Her house needs a lot of work which we do not have the money to do. Any money that they have in savings we’re having to use for bills and it’s not going to last much longer. My dad had a life insurance policy but a lot of that went to pay for funeral and final Dr.’s bills. For the last few months now my life has basically consisted of waiting on the caregiver, going to work, working a full days work, coming here to relieve the caretaker, and taking care of my mom at her home, and staying away from my family. Our house is not large enough to bring her in and my kids do not want to move up here and I don’t feel that it’s right to uproot them. My loving wife is very good to help but I have told her this is not her responsibility. We no longer have a normal life. We have not gone anywhere but one or two times as a family together not even to church services. Between my business, my home, my mother’s home, and we actually help My mother-in-law with her grass and property, even though she lives with my sister-in-law. My business is starting to suffer, my marriage is starting to suffer, time with my kids is suffering, responsibilities at my home and other places are going undone. My youngest son is still in high school and he plays football and the season is about to start and I do not wanna miss all his games but we can’t afford for anyone to stay with her at night. One of the other issues that I have is before my dad died he told me that number one he did not want my mom going into a nursing home unless she just got to a point that she didn’t know anyone or anything and number two he said that he did not buy this house to give it to anyone other than his family. He said giving it to a nursing home or the state was not an option. I don’t have the heart to put my mother in a nursing home right now because she does know quite a bit even having dementia and Alzheimer’s. She has even told me that she did not want me to do like they did their mother and her sister and put them in the nursing home and throw them away. I am not the kind to say that I am depressed, but I am tired of not having a normal life. I find myself getting irritated more and my wife is getting more and more agitated. I need help.
I haven't yet checked your profile and location, but that's where you start: researching what resources and services are available, preferably within easy reach of your home or your work or both.
[Goodness I'm irritated. Put them in the nursing home and throw them away, indeed. What nonsense. As though it's some law of nature that once your loved one is a nursing home she is held prisoner and you are barred from contributing to her life. This school of thought does SO much harm!]
I've had many cases where an elder would have been better off in a care facility because they had no life at all. No one visited them. They never went anywhere. They just sat in front of the tv day in and day out.
I had one old lady with some dementia who lived in a filthy, hoarded apartment. I was paid to be there two hours in the AM and one hour in the PM (to put her to bed). Her son and DIL lived on the second floor, she was on the first. The DIL was home all day and didn't work. She sat up in her hoard all day long watching tv. Every so often she's come downstairs and look in the window to make sure her MIL was still in the chair watching tv. Then the son would come home from work. He'd drop a plate of supper off for his mother then go back upstairs.
This poor lady would have been happy in an AL or even a memory care facility. She was so sweet and friendly, and never saw anyone.
Save yourself and your marriage. Put mum in assisted living and sell the family home to lay for it. It was unfair of your dad to give instructions on his death bed.
your mum will decline and it can happen quickly. Tell your mum that you can no longer look after her and her needs are better met by qualified carers. Look at nursing homes together.
Many times a care facility is the ONLY option.
https://www.nacolg.org/aging-and-disability-resource-center
There's also a telephone number: (256) 389-0500
They won't have all the answers but they might be able to help you find where to start. Best wishes.
Your father is dead. So whatever demands he made in life about his house never being handed over to a nursing home or no one outside the family getting it should just be put aside. He's gone. Now you do what's best for your mother because she's not.
Make a few appointments to tour memory care facilities. Then list mom's house for sale. It can still stay in the family if a family member decides to buy it but it will have to be sold at market value if placing your mother.
You have to do what's right for your mother. Unless you are willing to take care of her 24/7 yourself, or pay the difference for the live-in help that she can't afford on her own, she will have to go into memory care.
She put her parents (your grandparents) into a nursing home. I'm so sure they didn't want to go either. Yet, she expects her child to her out of one.
I don't think so.
She needs to be placed for her own health and safety. Unfortunately, you do not have a sibling to make this decision and carry it out. So you will have to do it. It's hard but you have to do what must be done.
My Dad periodically has delusions (?) related to a traumatic brain injury and sundowning. There are no resources on how to handle these. There is no training or help. You figure it out as you go. These are similar to someone with dementia. The difference is that my Dad’s condition won’t get worse.
With this background, I think you need to find a placement for your Mom before you exhaust all your resources. She can go into a facility that is just assisted living, but that has sections for memory care as her dementia progresses.
So while she’s still cognizant, she can be in assisted living with her own things around her. You, your wife and kids can visit her and take her on outings. You’ll have the time and energy, since you won’t be her primary caregiver.
You might see if there is room in a Greenhouse Project facility in Alabama. It is totally different than the typical care center concept.
The home is set up around a central hearth. Each person has his/her own room and they can decorate it or do as they wish with it. The schedule is driven by what the residents want, not by the administration. Residents can help plan & prepare meals. Each house has staff dedicated to that house.
Google Greenhouse Project.
Alabama Green House Projects
Tuscaloosa VA Medical Center
Skilled Nursing
Operating: 2
East Tuscaloosa, AL 35404
More information: http://www.tuscaloosa.va.gov/
St. Martin's in the Pines
Skilled Nursing
Operating: 9
Birmingham, AL 35210
More information: https://stmartinsinthepines.org/the-cottages/
The other thing you might do is talk to your Mom’s primary care physician. Tell him/her about the problem. Ask to meet with a social worker to help figure out what to do and for help on the financial questions.
Once you have your Mom in a safe, enjoyable environment, you’ll be able to ensure she has everything she needs to be happy. Chair, bed, TV, subscription to favorite magazine, hair appts, church, whatever is needed. And you and your family will have the energy to give her quality time, visits and outings. A sane setup that works for everyone. It has to work for everyone, not just your Mom.
Being an Elder in your church means you know all about serving others, and have likely done so sacrificially. Here is my Christian perspective. It may not solve anything but I hope it offers you some peace.
** Honorably, you want to fulfill the promise you made to your dad. This may also be a time when the Lord asks you to surrender that promise to Him, trusting He will fulfill the promise in a way that brings Him glory. When I struggle with this kind of tension, I pray the Lord will align my heart to His.
** The Lord’s yoke isn't just easy; it serves as protection against carrying too much. It is an armor that prevents unnecessary burdens from weighing down my spirit.
** In the desert, God called His people to discipline themselves and eat only the mana that was needed for the day. It didn't matter that there was an abundance of food; He still asked His people to leave perfectly good mana on the ground. I look at my list of "to do's" through the same lens. Just because there are stacks of things that need to be taken care of, it does not mean I’m supposed to do them all. To gain perspective, I ask myself, “Am I glorifying Him?”
** The Lord calls people to do many different things. When I need help, I realize reaching out may be the catalyst to help someone else fulfill his or her calling. I’m one thread…often frayed. Only the Lord knows how to tuck me in and weave a tapestry that reflects His Goodness.
Gratefully, He is.
You are still working full time, raising a family, taking care of your own home and trying to keep your marriage in tact. You will have to sell her home and place her. That way she can get the care she needs without destroying your family in the process. You will still have to manage her care but you won't be the one staying up all night to give it.
Visit several assisted living facilities near your home. Once you find one that you like, plan a visit with your mom so that she can see it. You're going to have to have a reality talk with your mom. The home needs repairs she can't make and can't afford to hire out. Tell her you're tired and have to work to take care of your family. You want her close by so that you can be her son and visit her, but you need help and an AL facility would help.
Don't let your dads wishes guilt you into running yourself into the ground, missing your sons school events or tax your marriage. Take a deep breath, and make some sound decisions for mom that are in her best interest.
so is mom living in Alabama? Or does she live in Mississippi? or in Tenn? Florence is right up at the border, minutes away from either.
Where is she? . If you’re in AL and she’s in MS, or up in TN, the dynamics of all of this will be very very different & way way more complicated.
Its only going to get harder on you. Your mom and dad's wishes are not the only ones that matter. We all get just ONE life.
Since you are a church elder do you know anyone willing to help your mom for a reasonable fee? The agencies are very expensive.
Maybe see a financial counselor to help sort out these money issues. You cannot keep going at this pace because for sure your health will suffer.
You need to do what is best for your family first meaning your wife and son still at home. Taking care of mom does not mean you have to do it all yourself!