My 66 year old father has limited mobility and a frontal lobe injury (not recent). I gave him a smartphone for Christmas, believing it would enrich his life by giving him a way to communicate with family and friends, and giving him way to watch videos, find information, and other innocuous things. Well, ever since he's had it, he's abused it. He's accessed porn and gotten on numerous sketchy dating/sex chat sites. He's been scammed several times. His favorite activity, however, is to friend and chat up strange women on Facebook, very young, very pretty women. I've discussed the hazards of doing this with him, but he won't stop it. He has been scammed before by doing this, but he still won't stop. He says that now that my mom is gone (she's been gone for five years now) that he's lonely, which I can understand that. But he refuses to try healthy activities where he might meet real people in person. Even so, he seems fixated on finding a girlfriend, just not one his own age. This is concerning. I'm at my wit's end and I'm looking into moving away next year to pursue a PhD. I worry that he'll get into real trouble and I won't be there to help. I need advice, please! Thank you!
I wonder if you could turn it into a game with him. If he knows that it’s a common scam thing, see if you and he can try to catch them out. Some of the ‘scam-watch’ warning sites go through the common things to look out for, and you may be able to come up with tricks and traps. Like ‘where did you go to school’, ‘where are you working’, ‘where do you like to go in the evenings’, and then you can both double check to see if it makes sense. He might just possibly get into that, if he is not a complete fool. 'Pick a scammer' might help you to talk about scamming with him, from a different angle.
Take him out with you to some strip shows. There must be some around. Even go to a ‘parlor’, and tell him that you will wait in the lounge just to make sure he’s all right. Anything to get him out of expensive fantasy and into real life. If he has always been respectable, it might be an experience for him (and you) that makes him more aware of ‘the other side of life’, and the people who live in it.
My guess is that this is a very different approach from most of our regular posters! Re-reading it, it sounds a bit like the ‘identity’ questions set up for me to get into the tax site I need to access. Where were you born? Your first school? But not quite the same purpose!
Took the cell away and went with a VoIP phone landline, it has been a wonderful solution to one of many issues. I do have the POA and struggle daily with her aggressive nature. I have been blessed with a wonderful caregiver that is a gentle soul . Baby monitors can be very helpful when you get this deep into this.
These folks on this site have been so helpful, I surely would not have made it this far and I still have those days APS looks really good! Good luck
I think that you really need to do some soul searching on knowing what you can and cannot do. He's 66. You're limited as far as his finances go unless you are his financial POA, which involves another level of his understanding and relationship with you. Again, you're going to have to make some decisions here in what your responsibilities actually are, and also what you're limited in doing. Some family counseling may help him as well but will also involve you. Good luck.
Yeah nothing but fun…. But as it was a honey trap or iRomance scam that he did of his own accord with $ from his accounts on his own free will, technically he gifted the $. Fwiw this is also why it’s hard to get the $ back as it wasn't stolen or hacked, but done by him to another.
So keep all the details on this cause if you’re his POA you’ll will have to file a police report on this. (As he sure won’t). The police report provides a way to get around the penalty as you’ll put down it was a crime/scam done to him with the devil as needed for police report. Might also do a FBI filing as well although they done do anything unless real significant amounts of $$$$. Neither can do much of anything to try to catch the scammers as they are long gone with the $ offshore anyways.
Also as you are moving away for grad school, maybe use that as an excuse to get his legal (will or codicil to his old one since mom has died) and banking / financials update so you can monitor stuff from afar. And have all accounts done to be POD or TOD to you. Get names & email info on bank officers too. Just in case something wonky comes up. If he gets totally fleeced as least you know you tried.
If he owns his home outright, that is something I’d be quite concerned about. I’m guessing you do not want the responsibility of owning it or having to deal with it. But maybe - maybe! - he’d be ok with doing a % of his ownership to you. Like 20/25% so that should a new skirt show up and try to take over property ownership, they cannot as you have a % and you would have to be dealt with to ch age title or take out lending on it. That you don’t tell dad this line of thinking but use the reasoning it gives him and you a way to deal with or emergencies while he fully retains the primary ownership. Good luck on dealing with the old rooster.
And I think, from what I have seen, that neither the federal government NOR the Medicaid folk are going to be the slightest sympathetic.
It is not against the law to make bad decisions or even to be crazy. The result can be to end up penniless, and no one will care. You can stand in front of a judge and say "I TOLD him not to do this" and it will make no difference at all.
To me, when these things happen, it is best to walk away, and let the chips fall where they may. Not everything can be fixed and we can actually forfeit our lives and our happiness to those who insist on making bad decisions.
Not your monkey, not your circus.
Most of the time these type of parents do not listen to their children. It is a mental illness that has taken over, they no longer can make rational decisions.
In Florida it is a regular thing these women know how to play desperate men.
I would make Dad understand that u will not fix anything he gets himself into. 66 is not old. I have friends 70 and up still holding down jobs. If he uses up all his money on these women, you will not be supporting him. He will just have to go on welfare. Tell him he has no idea who is on the other side of that profile. Most of the time they are from other countries.
Dr Phil had a program on this. Its actually a mental thing. One woman said she had 5 men who loved her and she was sending each them money. All had excuses why they could not meet her. She worked and was intelligent. But she got sucked in. She was 60ish. A little on the cubby side, maybe attractive but not a beauty and thought these 30 yr old hunks were interested in her. I am 74 by the way. White haired and weigh a little more than I would like. Been told I look like I am in my 60s. My DH says I am cute. But I am sure no 30 yr old hunk would be interested in me. My money yes.
By the end of a 2 day show he was able to show this woman how she was being scammed. She started crying because she realized she had been scammed. The other woman also worked still did not believe DP or the FBI agent brought in to prove how shevwas scammed.
Does he live independently? Or do you have to help him? Don't do anything to help him use or keep up his cell phone. Maybe he'll get a virus and his phone will be caput. That would be too easy. Knock it on the floor a couple of times! LOL
He also mails them money in cash.
He most definitely is not interested in women his own age.
There is not a thing i can do about it as he is till working and paying his bills,his driving is pretty sucky though
An astounding number of ways to scam…. not just the iRomance ones he’s fallen into but the pig butchering scam, iRecovey scam, iTask scam, check washing. As once he’s on the radar as a pigeon, his info will be passed around. Lots of folks with expertise on how to deal with these are active on the subreddit group. fwiw he’s likely to get hit up on a pig butchering one next, an offshoot on iRomance with a crypto investment twist.
I’d suggest that you write a list of your father’s assets, with approximate values, and see if there are ways to protect them, particularly the most valuable ones. If possible, put the house into a trust and the finances into a long-term deposit. Work out what you do to assist him now, and use the fact that you will be moving away to justify ‘simplifying’ things for him.
In all honesty, if he’s 66 and his wife has been dead for 5 years, no wonder he’s sex crazy. Porn is relatively safe, even if you think he should be past all that. Protect the money, if you can.
His PoA (or legal guardian) should lock up his sensitive info (SSN, credit cards, other investment info) to protect it against your Father. You'll need to work fast because the scammers certainly do.
FYI if your Father doesn't yet have a PoA this should happen immediately and then take him for a medical cognitive exam from his doctor. This may prevent a very experienced scammer from making themselves his PoA and then legally cleaning him out... after which there is no hope of finding the thief or recovering the money/house/car etc.
My FIL lost over $100,000 to a "woman" on Facebook and he lost his house too.
Ironically most of those "women" your dad is chatting up on Facebook are really men. Not that he will believe you if you tell him that.
If he loses all of his money to scammers please do not help him out financially, you have to be prepared to let him suffer the consequences of his own stupidity (I would say ignorance but he has been told and warned enough times that he is now just plain stupid). Tell him that up front so he knows and since you bought him the phone you can take it from him.
If you are paying the cell phone bill cancel the service.
I get that he's lonely but young and attractive women are NOT interested in old geezers with limited mobility and head injuries, unless they are rich or these women have some serious mental health issues.
Sorry I think you opened Pandora's box here with that cell phone and unfortunately this is going to plague you with your dad getting scammed until ALL his money is gone unless you take the phone and he is unable to get another one.
We can't change others. Go for that PhD. If he loses his money eventually he will be on public assistance. You've tried. But there is little competition for magical thinking at any age.