How do we deal with impact of taking away mom's car keys?

These transitions are so difficult. They are much more difficult for those who are emotionally related to the elder, which is part of why they are blaming you, and then becoming angry at you.
For us, we were able to have a medical professional make this assessment when my mom ended up in rehab after a broken hip. My mom was driving until age 92, but starting to lose her way, have small accidents and so forth, and we were worried for her and for the public who she was putting at risk.
So. Does she still want to drive, or does she still want to go places? Can you come up with a way to allow her some level of independent travel, but with someone else driving? Can you use a taxi, Uber, Lyft, or come up with some solution that does not involve her driving?
If she can still decide when and where she wants to go but without the risk of her driving her self, then this might be a good way to deal with the situation for the time being.

My husbands 97 year old grandmother was still driving, dangerously. They disabled her car, she called AAA to get it started. This happened 3 times until they left a note on the motor not to get it started again. No car no danger.. four flats work well too

Please discreetly disable your Mom's car. If she protests, tell you are looking into fixing it, however long it takes! Also, offer to obtain her professional training supervision to assess her current driving ability. I cannot say more than love her but do so out of concern for hers and others' safety.

Best Regards and Independent Luck,
Patathome01

My Mom called my Husband and I some vile names when she realized I would not return her car keys back as she demanded. She had a script for driving assessment from the ER neurologist, after not taking her meds put her into the hospital.

She has lost a "big security" that she has had all her life. You are experiencing how she is dealing with it. A small dose of Ativan will take the edge off anxiety. Just "meet her where she is" and she will see you are suffering with her.

1 - Ask her Doctor to tell her she can no longer drive.
2 - Ask he Doctor to notify DMV and they should send her a letter
3 - Once the letter arrives let the local police department know and ask if they can send an officer to let her know they have the information on file.

Now it is not you that is telling her it is 3 other authorities.  I had to di this with my mother and that was what finally got her to give up her keys.

I am so sorry and understand some of what you are dealing with.

Would one of her doctors be willing to talk with her about driving? My mom's primary care provider helped us with that issue as well as a few others.

His help didn't keep her from balking, but at least we had an "authority figure" to add into the group of people saying it was no longer safe for her to drive. Her driving would put her at risk as well as those around her.

Wish I could help more.

Don’t give long excuses .. blame it on dr orders


she will move on... trust me

I went thru the same ..


j
Just tell her dr is doing testing on bloodwork and during this time he recommends no driving ...

eventually time will pass still use excuse and she will forget but depend on you for errands . Which is ok .. safer

I guess part of that would depend upon how much planning and how much TLC went into that decision initially. Sounds like your mom should be evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist or psychologist to help her deal with the stresses associated with aging and certain medical conditions. There are some medications available that do a wonderful job of helping with anxiety and/or depression which are usually at the root of extreme anger. She is also focusing on the negative aspect of no longer being able to drive - her lack of independence. What have you done to try to re-establish her self-esteem and ability to be independent? Can she call dial-a-ride independently if she wants to go somewhere? Can she navigate a bus line? Can she call a taxi? Does the town senior center provide transportation at all? Often, I've found it best to let the family physician tell the patient he/she can no longer drive, or have them evaluated by the Easter Seals driving program, or by the motor vehicle department inspectors.

I'm assuming that mom lives with you. This can make for a very unpleasant home life. You may want to invest in some short-term family counseling or at least get some help and guidance for yourself to deal with the current situation. Remember, if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't do the best job of caring for anyone else.

Best wishes!

If your mother has dementia, let the doctors take responsibility for it so you don't have to do the key removal bit. Stay out of it - say you are legally bound to do what doctors tell you. One word of advice - never, ever take someone's keys away UNLESS AND UNTIL YOU CAN ASSURE THEM THAT THERE WILL BE TRANSPORTATION FOR THEM TO GO WHERE AND WHEN THEY WANT TO GO. If you cannot do this, you cannot take the keys away - it will be hell on earth if you try and I know all the reasons for doing so but again, let the professionals handle this issue.

Mom was told she could no longer drive because of eye problems. She ignored them and did as she wanted to, as always.
When I first came home to be her live in care giver we had terrible fights about it.
Finally I got fed up and told her I have her licence plate number, make of her vehicle and know where she was going. If she drove at night I would call the police and inform them about it and request they throw her into jail. Maybe that would straighten her out. She knew I meant it and screamed while kicking her feet and slamming fists into the couch. I just walked away.
Needless to say that was the end of her night driving.
Just inform her that you are not interested in experiencing her childish temper tantrums any more. There will be no more contact until she stops this behavior. It usually takes a month or two until she stops this abusive behavior.

Sis has LBD started a few years ago. She had a car-forgot how to put in park, apparently had a couple accidents from the bills I came across. She was in a AL community when sis asked someone in the parking lot to help her with the car turn off park. Community calls and we come up with a plan. Friend starts taking sis to appointments-that worked for a bit then friend went crazy on sis-yelling and screaming at her. The friend was burned out even though lady was also manipulating my sister and insisting sis sign POA with friend name even though friend knew there was involved family in her life-even a POA for sis cat-never heard of that level of crazy. Friend even takes sis to the dr. because she is "concerned" about sis cognitive then gets sis to sign legal papers.....Sis began having more troubles in general-Sis could see her car in the parking lot but never asked to drive it, we gave her a fake key so if she tried or asked someone to drive it would not work. Before we moved sis to my state-we sold her car to a (real) friend of hers-there was no point in bringing the car here sis would never drive again or learn her way around. It became dangerous for sis to have access and damage had happened with the car-it had to be stopped. You don't want your family member to be injured or hurt anyone else with the car. Say grand son needs it to go to work, college or something else-maybe will Mom will be glad for them to have a good car.

Dad in his 90's a few years ago, drove to all his appointments until he fell in the parking lot. 2 good samaritans picked him up and got him in the car. He did not ask to drive again. They still have the car but all others help themselves to use-housekeeper, yard guy. I asked if we could buy from my parents-answer was NO they need the car, independence etc. they can not drive on their own I take them to doctor, etc.

I would be upset if someone took my car keys away too. That is my independence!

With my father, we told him he could continue to drive with another driving adult in the car but then when the time came, he would let them drive until it no longer came up as an issue. We offered to drive as much as possible, taking him out to eat, to medical appointments and other activities that he didn't want to do alone and I did his grocery shopping, so there weren't too many other places he wanted to go by himself.

I think you have to provide alternatives.

10 years ago when my mother was 86 years old she got into a minor fender bender. The cops came and it was her fault. She had to go down and take the road test again. The instructor let me sit in the backseat. She told him every fun fact known to man, recited all the presidents, basically talked her way out of the road test!!!

The driving instructor turned to me and said your mothers mind is better than yours and mind combined!!! I’ll pass her right now. She passed the test WITHOUT EVER DRIVING!!!! Yeah,,she’s a genius.

We don't really know how demented LO are but, in her mind it's her car and more or less... stolen! If anyone "took our keys" and our car was gone, I would threaten the responsible party too. Try deflecting the anger at DMV that says she has to take the written and driving test before issuing a new license in order for her to continue driving. I spent 20 years in geriatric nursing and she's not the only one who thinks it's unfair and cruel. They loose so much...... I took grandpa shopping with me so he could drive the electric cart for as long as he wanted. He rarely lasted 30 minutes until he was satisfied and tired. Change the subject and physically do something to distract them.

My mom was so stubborn about moving to AL. But agreed when the administrator of the AL told her she could park the car ( administrator did not know I was taking the car away) if I had told my mom in advance she would not have moved. I am out of state , and my next to last day in town , the only person I had for back up was the med tech at AL .. bless this gal for mediating. It’s been a rocky year , my mom still is angry for taking the car. She feels trapped because she can’t go anywhere. Before Covid, my mom refused to get up and get dressed in time to take the variant outings they had. So , yes , she could have gone out, but was too stubborn to help herself.... it would have been better if I didn’t side blind her , but I had no other choice.

The brothers wanted to do that, but Dad allowed me to drive him & in his car. I told him I needed a backup driver in case something happened to me and I needed hospitalization/ER visit. I can't imagine doing caregiver in COVID-19 2020. Dad passed 2 1/2 years ago, who knows if he had it back then ? I mean they didn't have a test kit until this year and every Pneumonia or whatever else was probably classified as the flu or whatever other natural cause of death.

I lived with Dad so it was easier for me to drive, he actually preferred to drive him like a chauffeur. He slept all day and when he needed to go anywhere that happened immediately.

My mothers car got taken away from her at age 92. Literally taken from gas station where she was going to have brakes put on, to the junkyard for old cars. Her car was 20 years old and the guys said it was rotting out from underneath that they couldn’t put brakes on it so they couldn’t inspect it either. Didn’t pass inspection. She couldn’t afford to buy another one because she gambled all her money away!!

Thank goodness it worked out the way that it did!!

You did the right thing for her protection and that of walkers, bicycles, etc. We first told Mom that the Dr said that she would need to pass a driving test, before returning the keys, and that we would be glad to take her anywhere she wants to go. We actually wrote it on paper for her, because she would keep forgetting. She was afraid of failing so she let it slide a long time. As long as the car was sitting in her drive, it kept reminding her of
it. Then,my husband disconnected the battery, and that bought us more time.
Finally, I snuck her copy of the key? Out of her purse, and she thought that she lost it. Told her we had ordered another, from Honda in JApan, that bought us more time.Finally we told her since it had sat for so long, a mechanic was checking it out.
once we removed it from her sight, she forgot for long periods of time. Parked it at a relatives house, will sell it soon, put the funds in her account. The meds Mom was on kept her reasonably calm, that really helped. Best of luck to you! A 10 mg slow release melatonin, 3 times per day added to her other meds, worked for keeping her calm, and for sundowning.

Well, you've certainly seen that you are not alone! Does she live alone or with you? Is the car still there where she can see it? If she is living alone, we assume you are covering her needs. If she's living with you, she's also covered. The only question that really remains is where is the car? If you haven't removed it from sight, that would be best. Then you just tell her it is getting repaired. Parts on order. Due to the virus, everything's delayed! Don't bother with trying to explain why you have to take the keys or car away. They forget and only remember that they could drive and now can't. If you have POA, sell it and put the money in her account for her care.

Mom's story is detailed in a response to another comment. Basically YB did the talking and took the key. He disabled it on the way out, per my suggestion. I was right, she had another key. She called the next day and demanded her key back that I took. I didn't take it! Then she called the second day, nastier than the first day, and demanded I fix whatever I did to the car. So, she did have another and managed to find it.

After we moved it, she would complain and whine about not having her "wheels" and tried saying "I don't go far." She didn't, as her circle of comfort became smaller and smaller. First she stopped driving at night. Mac Deg impacted that. Then she couldn't remember the way home (couldn't direct my SIL taking her home from a wedding shower.) At this point it was just down the main street from the condo area to grocery at the end of the street. But, she could still have killed herself or someone else!

The saddest part was when she needed to renew her license, the eye doc gave her a letter as she couldn't use the DMV eye test and I facilitated by taking her there. Had YB told me about the accident she had, I would not have done it. Not too long after, she called about another, and wanted the car moved to her preferred repair shop. We went to look at it - she claimed she just "brushed" the pole... GASP! The whole nose of the car was only held on by cables for the lights, the hood was bent, the passenger door was out of whack! I found out about the previous accident from the repair man... He said he had replaced the whole nose of it before! It was about 6k in damage, which her insurance mostly covered. She had wanted to save money, so I talked her into upping the deductible... Again, had I known about the previous accident, that would NOT have been suggested! After that came the dings and unexplained tire/rim damages. White paint stripes on both front fenders from the garage door. Ok, it is time to take this away! Oh, also when OB came for my son's wedding, they were going to use her car. He found the inspection sticker had expired MONTHS before!

So, driving is a privilege, not a right! IF one can't maintain the car properly, then one shouldn't be driving! OB also mentioned issue with the lights - she wouldn't notice since she no longer drove at night. I found there was also a sort-of but not really recall about the lights - I got the dealership to honor it.

One other thing - she never reregistered it after dad passed, so the car and insurance were still in both names! Using the POA I was able to take him off the insurance and when I sold it I provided documentation to the buyer to cover that issue. Never heard anything bad about it, so it must have worked!

Anyway, yes, grumbled, complained, whined about it. The removal of it helped some. Eventually she did forget about it. Hopefully you can remove it from sight if it is still there, and fib your way around where it is!

Ultimately you can contact the motor vehicle administration for her state. Inform them she has been diagnosed with AD and lacks the skills to drive safely. Ask them to revoke her license to drive. If this will take time ask them to suspend it immediately before she causes serious damage or bodily injury, because she also lacks the judgement to self-regulate. Do this in writing with proof of receipt as well as through any on-line portal available. She will not know you are the one who reported her. She will be required to pass physical, psychological and behavioral testing if she wants to get it back, and it is unlikely that she can even do the paperwork to arrange this.

I know this is is serious issue, but in case anyone needs a laugh, check out this guy who clearly had his car taken away...

https://youtu.be/d7ZEX_mvbLM

There was a Leunig cartoon I saw (can't find to show) called something like 'The ages of Man':

Had a baby in a pram, then a little kid on a scooter, bigger kid on a bike, a young adult in a car, then an older adult on a mobility scooter, an elder in a wheelchair.

I thought it was whimsical. My Dad thought it was a sobering reminder of what lay ahead.

Imho, "a car is a weapon," said my late mother 15 years prior to parking her auto, never to drive it again. Perhaps you can come up with a similar convo to tell your mother.

Just ask yourself what you would say to the family of the person your mother hurt or killed because you couldn’t say no.

I had a pair of neighbors, elderly sisters. One was legally blind but still had a driver’s license! The other one was deaf but could still see. So blind sister drove and deaf sister gave her directions. Still makes my blood run cold thinking about them. Their children finally found out and took the keys and car away.

Many police departments and DMVs can have an assessment for driving fitness. I suppose it would include a written test as well as a behind the wheel test. Maybe tell your loved one that the doctor suggested she take this test. Give her the DMV book to study from. Should be the end of the discussion.

My experience was much different. My Mom got lost and was found 100 miles away from her residence. The police called my sister and explained that the officer almost got into a head-on collision with her because she was traveling on the wrong side of the road. She was sent to the hospital immediately. The next day my sister picked her up and took her home. She said she spoke with me about the event and we both agreed that she needs to have her license taken away. She agreed and was fine and was happy that she had two kids that were looking after her. We were surprised (although I was not there at the time). One day later she literally forgot the whole event but is OK with not driving anymore.

Father in law had to stop driving when he drove through the front door of a restaurant and the police were called. Based on multiple moving violations within a short period of time, the state suspended his license. He had 3 opportunities to pass the driver's road test to try to regain his license. He failed all three times. We had previously broached the subject with him directly, and asked his primary care MD to address that as well--the primary care MD refused to "get involved." He thought he was fine on the road. Other drivers and the owner of that restaurant disagreed.

Fortunately, he had plenty of friends, family, cabs, and transit options, living in a densely populated city. He could have hired a private chauffeur full time, since he had the money to do so. But he had to go the hard and humiliating way.

Thank you for asking this question and for all the answers. I, too, am dealing with this issue with my father. He will not accept that he has dementia and wants the keys back every day. Never know if I am getting Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde. It is taking a toll on me...