Their home is about to be quarantined by the health department. He has been in an assisted living since Dec. Yesterday, her primary care physician said that because he is a manipulative narcissist, and she has major depression in addition to FTD, she should not move in with him. She hates talking to him on the phone and she says things to him just to appease him. I mean, I get it, after 40+ years, a persin is set in their ways. She has been trying to divorce him since 2007 and now has the opportunity, but refuses to be honest with him.
What is your aim?
To talk Mother around to a new future? Or to use practical steps to make that happen?
I think first you need to look squarely at where any responsibility lies. This is not your circus to be blunt.
"Their home is about to be quarantined by the health department".
Unfortunate. But this is the circumstance.
So where is his Mother living right now? At that home? Or elsewhere?
"He has been in an assisted living since Dec". (He being Mother's husband)
So he stays there - or doesn't. He can make his own decisions to where he lives (unless he has a legal Guardian appointed &/or a dx of dementia or other thinking skills problem).
Mother's Doctor says it is not in her best interest to live with him BUT... it's still up to Mother to decide where she wants to live (UNLESS there are grave concerns she lacks lifestyle decision making thinking skills).
If so, due to her DX of depression & FTD your husband/partner may consider applying for emergency Guardianship. This would require cognitive assessment. Could you ask that Doctors option on that?
I see your choices as Lead, Follow or Get.
Lead: try for legal Guardianship. Geting advice to costs & likelihood of success first would be prudent.
Follow: what Mother decides - even if it is moving into that AL with her Husband.
Get out of it: not your circus afterall. Point professionals towards Mother instead of you want to be involved eg APS if still at home or her Doctor for advice/assessments.
Does this make sense?
I think you mean well, but may benefit from being realistic about what is within your power to change.
Go to a lawyer and see if its better to divorce or better to just split assets. If she does not want to talk to him, she shouldn't.
Just keep him away from her, separate their assets into two accounts, if possible, and forget the divorce. See an attorney to determine what can be done legally to protect her.
Good point! I actually know a couple who did not wish to divorce for practical reasons.
He was a compulsive gambler and she kicked him out of the house.
Her attorney fought for her to remain in the home, rather than splitting and dividing their property.
Louisiana is a community property state. He died first so she was able to have complete ownership of her home.
The wife (in name only) was still able to take advantage of his work insurance for her medical expenses.
They chose to live separately and didn’t plan on ever marrying another person.
This is what most people would refer to as a marriage of convenience. It worked for them.
I know another couple who refused to get a divorce because they were strict Catholics and didn’t want to go against their religious beliefs. They also remained married but lived separately.
I don’t necessarily agree with this scenario but I suppose that they are entitled to live life as they see fit.
They weren’t planning on remarrying anyone else. The husband did have a companion though.
Whatever…I have never really understood the annulment process of the Catholic Church for those who choose divorce as an option.
At least she is away from him for the time being since he now resides in an assisted living facility. Hopefully, she will figure out what she needs to do in order to find peace in her life.
Just support her, you can lovingly encourage her to divorce him. Allow her time to process her emotions without being judged.
Hopefully, she will see the light and divorce her husband.
After serving him, she refuses to speak with him. She informs the jerk that all communications will now be through her lawyer. Then she sticks to the plan.
The surprise element is one reason why this is a good plan. He will have no opportunity to get legal advice beforehand. He will not be able to hide assets if he doesn't expect it. He won't have a chance to yell, scream, or talk her out of it.
You don't "ask" for a divorce from a manipulative narcissist. You don't need permission. You use your rights under the law and do it. In secrecy from everyone, because you never know who will spill the beans to the jerk, who is probably manipulating them too,
It doesn't matter what she says to him; she needn't say anything to him in order to divorce him, Papers will be served by the court representative. He is in care and I imagine unlikely to leave it. Unless she joins him there she is free of him.
You can help her to see an elder law attorney to get division of assets and finances, divorce, and force sale of their property. Legal questions require legal expertise.
I imagine this is all very daunting for the family members and I am so sorry; seems it has been ongoing for some years.
And by the way, Doctors orders, that I know of, cannot demand where anyone live. They can make a report of recommendation to a POA for an incompetent adult, or to the adult themselves if they are competent.
File for the divorce and let him deal with it by reading the papers.
She is obviously intimidated by him, please don't put her in a frightening situation with this guy. You don't know what she has put up with from him in 40+ years.