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HanaLee,

I am very sorry for your loss of your parents.

My situation is somewhat familiar: a toxic sibling wreaking probate havoc.

We lost Dad 2 yrs ago and I foresee my own emotional collapse once Mom also dies and my job of being devoted to her care and quality of life comes to an end; I don't know what I'll do without them both. I lost my only brother 22 yrs ago and have 1 surviving sibling who is toxic beyond description.

We 3 sibs were from Mom's early 1st marriage to a violent, abusive NPD and we all struggled as kids. My Bro and I ended up decent people, but TS (Twisted Sibling) never did the emotional work to get out of her soul-killing role of the Golden Child and is an NPD herself.

I can't advise on how you can let go of this toxic sibling, But I let go of all toxic ppl in my life by doing work with a couple psychologists and a counselor over the course of decades. My spiritual practice is also key.

I hadn't laid eyes on nor communicated with TS for 22 yrs. None of us had, my parents (Dad was step of 44 yrs), my brother's family, my adult daughter, and my grandchildren had zip to do with her; as though she didn't exist. You learn to turn away from greed, pain and ugly once you recognize that the snake will wait for any opportunity to strike.

My Bro was worth 1.5 million at the time of his death at age 45 and TS teamed up with our bio-father and initiated a probate contest that we fought, along with his family. TS tried to have him declared incompetent, posthumously, and have his 11 yr marriage annulled and the transfer of 30% shares in his business to his wife and daughter overturned in order to access his estate, to which she was not a named heir. She didn't succeed but ended up costing his estate over 350k in legal expenses and an eventual settlement to stop the insanity. None of us have had a dam* thing to do with her since.

My parents appointed me as alternative to one another in all matters and it's been a lot of work, a ton of work. TS was long-disinherited and in efforts to avert another debacle like over my Bro's estate, my Dad explained her disinheritance in a Letter to Survivors. She had been scheming for 1.5 yrs and then this spring, right after I sold the last property and estate matters were settling down, she filed to have my Mom declared incompetent. The language she used was "a mental defective." So cruel. She wanted a non-profit appointed as Mom's Guardian and a law firm as Conservator of her estate. She didn't win this time either, but cost Mom's estate over 15k in fees.

I'm now my Mom's G&C and I rewrote the legal filing to more gentle language and placed into the court record all evidence of her NPD proclivities, the past filing and her sick communications. Mom is 87 and in a MC unit (refuses her visits) and I've been managing everything fine. Now I have to do reporting to the court and she is made privy to estate matters that have nothing to do with her. She just can't stand being ignored and left out of Wills and estate plans; she needs to be relevant and is too sick of mind to recognize why she is ignored or she simply doesn't care. Twisted.

Do the emotional work now to let go of your brother, whatever it takes. He is abusive and you are grieving; he's kicking you while you're down and he'll never stop being a coiled viper, waiting to strike. Communicate only through attorneys from now on and boot him from your life. Your family life is gone with your parents' deaths and you need to grieve that reality too. Don't allow any abuser into your life, no matter the relationship potential or what it's been in the past.

I'd suggest a good therapist to aid in grieving and in setting boundaries to absolutely block your abusive brother from any strikes reaching your core in future. Do some research on personality disorders and define him; this recognition will help to distance you from him emotionally.

Protect yourself while grieving your parents and the family that you no longer have.
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HanaLee Oct 2022
thank you. sounds you went through a lot of unnecessary heart ache from your sister. funny, how these type of people can cause so much drama and problems (and money). After this probate situation is done, he and I are done. actually, I am done now, but I am being professional with him regarding the estate. I don't have to stoop to his level of nastiness and I am going to do what I feel is to my benefit.
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I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like your brother has been an abusive person towards you his entire life. The minute you take a stand, he withdraws and punishes you until he feels better. Then nothing is discussed, you are on autopilot and go back and forth into this dynamic until something else comes up he is displeased with. This isn't fair to you, and it resolves nothing to say the least. This is an abusive relationship no matter how you look at it.

Just let him be, and grieve the loss of this relationship as well. It doesn't sound like you had anything to work with in this on and off game called a relationship. You don't need the toxicity.
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HanaLee Oct 2022
Thank you. I really relate to what you are saying.
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If it wasn’t so stated in Will, perhaps splitting everything in half?
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