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My 85 year old mother passed 7 months ago and at first I was mad at myself for not being able to "fix her". I always "fixed" every situation but her falling, getting a brain bleed, and dying was completely out of my hands. The only peace I get is telling myself that Jesus has her now with no pain, no worry, and no dementia. It will get better with time. Your dad is with Jesus now and you will see him again some day.
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So sorry and I empathize with you as I was the only one in my family to be with my father when he died 5 years ago. It was scary, eerie & I was shaking so badly as I had never seen a death before of a human being. I talked about it a lot to family and went to my Christian therapist which helped me to heal, eventually.
However, I still have dreams about Dad’s death but also have a peace about it bcuz I was his sole caregiver & did the best I could in a difficult situation. May you also find peace and know that you were there for your father🙏🏻
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My dad died 4 days after I saw him last. I had no idea he was so close. I will never forget being on my knees on the floor in front of him, my hands on his knees. He did not & would not look at me or in my eyes. I was trying to let him know that Mom would be ‘ok’ & ‘I’ve got this’; it’s going to be ok. My Dad (or Mom) never said “I love you”. Maybe it was just a generational thing but I still hurt & may always. Dad died Aug, 2018
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You had a traumatic last couple of days, which you have had to cope with. Your anxiety sounds a very understandable physical response. Seek out a bereavement counsellor and speak to your doctor. Some support will help you, especially in these early days. Hugs to you xx
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I'm very sorry for your loss. It's going to take time for those painful memories to fade. You have to be strong. Reach out and get grief therapy or speak with a trusted counselor. Everybody handles grief differently. Be good to yourself, take care of yourself and do things that make you feel better.
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It is always hard to care for someone at home. It is even harder to care for someone and have them expire under your care and house. It is fresh in your mind at the present. You need to do one thing a day , Maybe your Dad had a favorite shirt etc. Make it into a pillow and keeping going . Maybe loved ones who have the same problem would love one.over time the memories will begin to surface good ones. Rem he knew he was loved and had family who cared.
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First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I am even sorrier that you had to witness an ending that is disturbing you very much.

I went through a similar situation when my mom passed. While she didn't complain about being in pain, she told me she didn't feel "right". When we moved her from her recliner into her bedroom, she was in obvious discomfort, even being on morphine. We had to get her a chair to sit down on halfway there, and it's only about 20 feet total.

When she was going through the dying process, things happened to her body that, while being "normal", were very disturbing to watch.

All of this swirled through my head for weeks after. I would wake up in the middle of the night, and my first thoughts were these images. The images would pop into my head often. I was to the point where I talked to my husband about going to grief therapy, because I couldn't control the thoughts once they were in the front of my mind.

BUT - then one day, it just stopped. Not the seeing the images in my mind; I don't know that they'll ever really go away completely; but the gut-churning, visceral reaction I was having to them. And they are no longer the only images I can conjure up when I think about mom; I can now picture her in my mind's eye when she was healthy and engaged, and not the shell of a woman she had unfortunately become in the last 18 months of her life.

Unfortunately, the only thing that "cures" this is time. It is still very early days for you; you're going to be dealing with this for a while. and expect it to get worse before it gets better - especially with the holidays coming up. But if it gets unbearable, do not have the slightest hesitation to seek grief counseling to help get you through the grief to the other side, which is peace and acceptance.

(((hugs)))
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I'm sorry for your loss--and you are too freshly traumatized to feel anything but the knee-jerk reaction to losing someone you love.

It passes and is eventually replaced with peace, but you do need to work on that, sometimes.

I was with daddy in the weeks prior to his passing and I had many long, beautiful hours holding his hand, talking (or not), but mostly singing to him. It was Christmas time, I was our church choir leader and I sang some lovely songs for him. Sometimes he responded, sometimes he was quiet. I feel so blessed to have been able to have that experience.

He had actively suffered for so long, watching him pass was a beautiful and VERY spiritual experience. All of us were there and he was surrounded by love. This wonderful man quietly left this world and went into the next. Only my YS who is not 'spiritual' at all fell apart and sobbed uncontrollably. The other 4 of us were tearful, but not beyond control.

We'd already lost my FIL just a few months ahead of this--so it was a year of change.

I would suggest trying to embrace the 'awful' if you experienced any--and then move on. Maybe with therapy if this finds you with too much grief to handle.
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Adjusting to the reality of a death takes longer than 2 days. Gradually, return to your normal activities. Spend time with other family members or family friends and share the good memories you have.

Some people get quickly swept up with other responsibilities. They do not "forget" their last memories of the loved ones and neither will you. The troubling memories do not leave, but gradually become less frequent and disturbing as other concerns arise.

What things would your father like to be remembered for? When you think of him, let these memories fill your mind to replace the disturbing memories you have now.
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My condolences on the loss of your father.

My father died over 6 years ago & I still remember the sound of his struggled breathing to this day. But, when my mind automatically goes to that memory, I immediately change the course of that thought over to a fond memory of him laughing at my kitchen table over a silly joke he'd told. Or another memory of him running after my son when he was a toddler. Something HAPPY to veer my thoughts away from something terrible. I'm sure he doesn't want to be remembered in the moments of his passing but in all the moments of his joyous life. So that is my suggestion to you: remember your dad in his happy times when your mind wants to remember his last moments.

Also keep in mind that most souls have already passed over to be with God by the time their bodies are taking their last struggled breaths (that WE are witnessing). They're already at perfect peace while we are the ones who are suffering.

Wishing you peace and acceptance as you process this difficult time in your life. Sending you a hug.
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Grief is a very personal and individual process.
No two experiences are the same.
While there is no easy way to grieve, I suggest:
* Surround yourself with beauty (flowers, walks in a garden or forest, park).
* Consider getting into grief counseling.
* EMBRACE the feelings vs 'trying' and 'wanting' to run away from them. It is painful. It hurts. If you need to be medicated to get through these feelings, do so.
- It is hard to be 'with' the feelings of grief. It can be excruciating.
* Running away from how you feel or wanting may intensify the feelings as they 'want to come out' and you are fighting (w yourself) wanting to push them away.

TIME HEALS. Trust that you will feel different through the grieving process.

Surround yourself with healing energy, people, light - while embracing the pain and grief. If you can, tell yourself that by embracing how you feel IS the highest honor you could bestow upon your dad. And, if you cannot do this, let this thought go. You need to do what you can to get through this grief.

Get support from friends, family, professional therapists trained in grief counseling.

I feel your pain and I send you deep condolences.

As is said "the only way out is through" - while this may not bring you any comfort, take a moment at a time. Not a minute, not an hour.
Be aware of and redirect (your awareness of) FUTURE TRIPPING.
Be present with where you are inside. This is how feelings transform, change. It is processing through by being with - In light and love, Gena.
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You write well a very similar story to my dad’s last days. I was there for every minute of it and still feel a mix of being honored to have walked with him through it and some awful feelings that I don’t even know how to express. Seeing a beloved parent die simply sucks. Yet it’s a privilege to be there. It does bring death and what’s it’s exactly like much closer. I don’t have good answers, I do know the pain has lessened but not left. I wish you healing and peace
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There are some good answers here, grief counseling or a support group is a good idea. When I was doing art therapy, I painted a painting. When I was finished with the painting, I found I had a very visceral reaction to the painting. Rather than avoid the painting and thus the reaction, I put the painting where I would see it when I was home... I let myself have those feelings. After about a week they subsided and I can view the painting without the feelings, just a remembrance of experiencing them. Just an idea. The art therapy really helped. It was not making realistic looking drawings of anything, just putting paint on a canvas, by feel. I was at my father's bedside when he died. My mom and sister were asleep. I was the one on watch. I could tell from the change in sound that he was starting to pass. So I just whispered that I loved him and then he stopped breathing. He'd had bladder cancer and had been in a lot of pain. It's been 7 years and makes me teary now, but I was a bit relieved that his pain was over.
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PTSD......A big huge hug to you.
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