How long do I have to emotionally support someone who is severely grieving? It has been a year.

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How long do I have to emotionally support someone who is severely grieving? It has been a year.

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Sounds like she needs to see a grief counselor and now. Everyone grieves in their own time, but she is depressed and needs some help. Arrange for her to have sessions, someone can take her and wait in the waiting room until she is done. You could also let the counselor know ahead of time what the issues are and they can slowly address them with her. Without knowing how old everyone is, people handle things differently but with a sudden death, its a shock to their world. Your hubby should be making these arrangements (with your help if necessary), but he should be taking the lead in this. Its time for things to start settling down, especially if you have a small baby that will need extra care since they are now in the crawling stage and could possible get stuff in their mouth. I wish you luck in this.

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This July 4th will be the second anniversary of my husband’s death (from dementia). I’m still grieving but learning to survive. It didn’t help that Covid followed so that I was forced to be alone. What I do know is that grief is unique. Some can do it alone and some can’t. It’s up to the person grieving to decide how they want to grieve. Ask her. Explain that your schedule needs to change because you’re going back to work. You want her to be comfortable. It should be her choice to be alone so that she is taking ownership of her life. If she’s uncomfortable with the idea then suggest the separation on a trial basis. She may think she’s afraid to be alone only to find out she likes the privacy. Ask her.

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Seems that you may need a family conference to discuss changes in caring for your MIL. Her home should be getting cleaned. She should be receiving counselling for grief. The situation in your nuclear family (2 spouses and their children) life is changing and that means changes in caregiving.

I am a little concerned that you and your spouse may have some disagreements about finances. The fact you mention that he is financially supporting his mother and you are returning to work while also caring for a baby is telling there may be some friction. Please consider using a counsellor for a few sessions of couples therapy to discuss finances and clarify goals.

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Excellent advice for conflicting needs in several directions.

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I understand your frustration but you see we all grieve the loss of our loved ones uniquely. As far as your baby you must do what is best for the baby and yourself. You must explain to your husband how you are feeling and let him know that you support him but you need to take care of you and your baby too. I wish you the best.

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If I were you, I'd redefine emotional support. Emotional support doesn't mean giving up your home and your life. Make phone calls, send notes, and visit when you can. Encourage her to find a good therapist and read a good book about grief and join a support group. Helping her get on with her life is better than enabling her to stay stuck in one stage of grief.

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I haven't read all of the responses, but I agree with the folks who have said it's reasonable for you to stop spending so much time at MIL's house. I can't tell if your DH wants to continue this routine or wants to stop.

At any rate, I hope you are both in agreement that you need to live in your own home and allow MIL to live her life as she chooses. It's nice that your DH is offering financial support, but personally, I would be unhappy about that if she could paddle her own canoe by reducing her customary spending. Would you need to go back to work if y'all weren't supporting her? (You may *want* to go back to work... just something to consider.)

Anyway, if you make any changes in the status quo, be prepared for your SILs to push back. Depending upon the family dynamic, it may get ugly. In truth, they can keep hosting MIL every weekend in turn if they wish, but that doesn't mean you and DH have to continue as you have since FIL's death.

As for getting her to see a therapist or join a support group, or getting her to hire a maid or downsize, those aren't in your control. She'll either do those things or she won't. (I don't think she should get a maid unless she's disabled, since I gather you'd be the one footing the bill. I don't have a maid -- an expensive luxury. I also don't think you should have to clean her house for her.)

I have sympathy for your MIL. Her losses have no doubt cause her great pain. She will likely never be the same. She needs some support, and you have all supported her, going far above and beyond the call of duty (IMO) for the last year. Wanting to make a change for your own family doesn't mean you're dismissing her grief.

(As an aside, I wonder whether the visits to her daughters' houses every weekend are really what she wants. Has she even thought about or been consulted about what she wants? Is it possible she's just in a groove that your DH and his sisters have set up?)

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Sounds like your mother-in-law is stuck in *unhealthy* grieving and that is being perpetuated by you and her other children.

When my MIL died, and she was an extremely loving and nurturing mother to her sons, my husband and I supported his dad by having dinner with him every night for the first month and then several times a week for months until titrating down to a few times a month. Yes, my FIL was severely depressed but our lives had to go on and FIL had to learn how to live without her.

Why are you going back to work? Is it because you want to or because you feel you have to for financial reasons because your husband supports his mother financially? What do you want to do?

It's clear you don't want to keep things the way they are and I agree that you and your husband need to go back to focusing on your own family unit. That is not selfish.

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I don’t think it’s as much about dirty floors as it is about sacrificing lives trying to save one life and everyone loses.

in wedding ceremonies, “two shall become one.” The longer and stronger the marriage, the more this is true. So the death of a spouse isn’t just “losing my better half” like someone was misplaced. It’s I was severed and half of me was amputated. The person who knew your story, shared inside jokes and moments and shared the burdens is gone. How does one put a clock on being severed?

If it can’t be about a timeline, it can to be about reasonable expectations. Logically your MIL can’t expect her children to be proxies for her husband - but she’s reacting emotionally and reason goes out the window. Plus your DH & siblings unwittingly let a new pattern of behavior incubate for a year.

Maybe your DH grieves the loss of his mom if she’s a shell of who she was along with the passing of his dad.

You are wise to re-evaluate behaviors & expectations & alternatives to a status quo that is t working.

In your shoes, I’d want to be loving (instead of rolling my eyes) but firm & I’d expect a full-scale resistance - Even toddlers test the power control with full-scale tantrums until they realize they’re not getting their way.

I knew a mother who guilted her daughter & ruined her life, but the daughter was emotionally entrenched in playing the martyr. The family tried for decades & couldn’t break the pattern. An acquaintance said her sister wouldn’t/couldn’t build a new life after her husband died; sad to watch but they’ve tried to help for years & eventually gave up.

Maybe the hardest realization for DH is that he can’t fix this for his mom if she won’t participate,

I hope the totality of comments from everyone will help you, DH and family embark on a healthier direction.

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As long as it takes. Often the second year is harder than the first. In any case, each person, and how they grieve, and for how long, is unique. I would suggest you 1) clean her floor for her because that's what you should do for a grieving person even if you have to pay to have someone come in because you can't do it yourself. 2) Find a bereavement counselor and/or a bereavement group for her.

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Um, no. Just no.

OP said the "house is dirty", not just the floors.

I'm willing to be that MIL won't be willing to see a counselor or join a group. Why should she? But, yeah. Look online and give her a few names and numbers.

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I don't know what to tell you but this I will say outright. This is a sad situation and far beyond what YOU can fix. What you can and must do, starting immediately, is to look after yourself and your baby and your new job. Tell your husband and the family that you have done all you could physically and mentally give of yourself and now it is time for you and for your child. Do NOT spend all this time with her - you have your own life now. You cannot keep doing what you are doing as it will destroy you. Tell the rest of the family it is up to them if they want to continue but you can't and won't. Be tough and do NOT give in. Tell them also after this long a period of time with no letting up, professionals should be dealing with this woman and someone should be hired to clean her home and otherwise look after her. Let them do this - you take care of you and yours. Tell your husband it is time for him to be there for you. Good luck.

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How long should you emotionally support someone when they are grieving? Pretty much forever, I think (if you love that someone or have obligations toward them.) But what you describe is not emotional support. Emotional support is holding her hand through a sad part of the movie, understanding when she gets teary and not making a fuss about it, taking her out once in a while, inviting her over for a meal occasionally, mentioning her loved one in positive ways, and sending her a card on the anniversary of his death.

I think you should provide emotional support indefinitely.

I think this other kind of "support" you are providing may actually be getting in the way of her healing. You are enabling her to feel like an invalid and focus on her grief. Everyone involved means well, but you may be doing harm.

I was in my mid-sixties when my husband died. Our local children all came over as soon as they heard. They were with me until his body was removed. They did not offer to stay overnight or invite me to their homes. I spent the night alone and did not mind. I had my own thoughts and didn't need distractions. I did not at all view this as selfish of them -- it was how things normally worked in my mother's family, and now mine. Life goes on. Losing a spouse is not considered an infirmity. If I had said, "I'm feeling particularly vulnerable right now. Would one of you mind staying the night?" I'm sure I would have had company. (His death was not sudden or unexpected. He was on hospice care. That may make a difference.)

About the house's cleanliness: I had a housekeeper while my husband was ill. After my responsibilities of caring for him were over I did my own housework. That went OK. But gradually the house suffered more and more. It wasn't so much dirty (well, that too) but cluttered. And the year+ when no one came into my house at all I really let things go. Yikes! How did that happen? This year I hired a cleaner. I'm trying to get my house back into its normal state while hubby was alive. It won't happen overnight.

If you and her children can figure out some way to get a regular housecleaner without her feeling insulted, I urge that as a loving way to support her. She may not really notice how dirty it has become, but she will notice when it is clean! It is certainly a mood brightener. Once neglect starts it is really easy to go downhill fast. Stop it before it is overwhelming.

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Josesmom: Imho, I do understand that there is most certainly no time limit on grief; there is no bell that dings the message 'done.' However, you have been present PHYSICALLY and, to some extent, financially (although the financials may not have been for duration that you've mentioned) for ONE YEAR. You are a saint. Being physically present for your widowed MIL is perhaps far too long that what you may have originally agreed to perform.

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I went to a seminar several years ago. The topic was loss of a spouse/child etc. They said that everyone grieves in their own time frame. For some it's a year for some it's much longer. However, your M-I-L is expecting everyone to support her from what I read, not grieve with her. Intentionally or not she is becoming very dependent on all of you and I would say it's time to start cutting back staying with her. Maybe half a week every three weeks for a month and then cut back to a day or two a month and then none. Tapering sounds like a pain but it is a clear intention that she is expected to be self supporting with OFF-site emotional support only. If the family can agree to a program that allows everyone to cut back and then sit down and explain to her what will be happening. If the family won't then you and your husband need to come up with a plan for your family. If your husband finds it too difficult. He goes and you stay home. Hopefully he will see that is not a good arrangement for his family and act accordingly. Pray that you're able to have the strength and fortitude to do what is needed.

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Talk to your husband and let him know that although you love him and his mother, you feel that you need to move on more with your own family’s life than continue to grieve with his mother, and you want his help.

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It is about tough love. And that's already been said several times. It's hard to go from doing so much to doing nothing. So the suggestion to do something, like 3-4 days a MONTH and allow the others to pick up the rest is a great idea. Also, offer another 1-2 options and let sisters and MIL choose which is right for them.
For example, offer to do one of the weekends and let that sister take more responsibility. Offer to help MIL sell her home so your husband does not have to support her financially and you have to go back to work.

If anyone suggests you are being selfish, say, "Yes, I have been selfish. I have been doing so much more that I forgot you all really wanted to help. So, I will stop being selfish and now you all have the opportunity to enjoy your mom in her time of grief. "

While we all grieve differently, especially with unexpected loss, counseling will help her move past this. It is hard to pick up the pieces. I watched my Mom go through this. She not only lost my Dad, the love of her life, but she also lost his partnership as she worked in his medical practice alongside him. She lost his income. But she picked up the pieces, went back to school, got her bachelor's at 63, her masters at 67, became an ordained Presbyterian minister. She gave her life to serve others, retired at 78, got bored, went back to school again and got her Doctorate in Ministerial Studies at age 80, and lived a life of giving until 98. She truly inspired us with her words, "If not you, who?"

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Would your husband like a different situation, too?
Would this be a good time to consider assisted living, or a community where there is different levels of care ?
Could you say, Hey Wanda, Bob and I think its time that you see a grief counselor and perhaps join a grief support group. I can help you find someone and can drive you there. At least, let's look into it.
Then Bob can say, Yeah, Mom.
I think the priorities for your family are the two of you, then the baby.
Good luck. Be tough. You really need to change this.

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I haven’t read all the replies here, but if - as I interpret your description of it - she has continually been surrounded by people for the past year trying to manage and supervise her grief, she hasn’t really had an opportunity to grieve. There is no time limit, but, IMO, some time alone without having to put on the ‘public face’ or ‘family face’ is important. She must be exhausted by all this movement, and schedules of visits and moves, and of people in and out.

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You can only do what you can do, but the question I see here is not so much how long should you support your MIL who is severely grieving, but what kind of help is she getting? Losing her mother and husband within 2 weeks is a lot, and if it’s been a year and you describe it as severely grieving, she must really be depressed. Maybe you or your husband could accompany her to her doctor to evaluate for depression and look into therapy or medication that could help. In addition, there are grief recovery/ bereavement programs at churches or community groups that may be available for her. Best of luck to you all, I’m sure this isn’t easy especially with a baby to take care of.

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It’s hard doing things that you resent doing. I think your husband is an Angel and clearly the ‘giver’ in his family. Your mother-in-law could take another 4 years (typically it takes around 5 years to mourn such a loss) so, I would suggest that you work with your husband to make the best of the situation. Don’t count on others, or feel bitter if they do not raise to the occasion, as your husband has. It’s simply not in their nature. Remember, if your husband treats his Mother this good, then you can be confident that he would do the same for you, should you need him. Also, he will be a wonderful father, teaching your children about what is most cherished in life - family. PS - why don’t you help her clean up? She is obviously depressed and, as I well know, we let things slide during grief and trauma.

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You/hubby and his siblings filled the space left behind when she lost loved ones. Now that is her new normal. It's probably time to start talking about returning to work so she understands there are changes in your life approaching. Talk it up with your husband, too. Maybe he hasn't thought that far ahead yet. Could be he and siblings could have a family meeting to discuss changes that need to be made.

Mom doesn't have any income of her own? Your hubby supports her financially. Maybe hire someone to come in a couple times a week to handle tasks for her. Is it possible for the 3 sisters to come during the week or for mom to start rotating between 4 houses and just give up her own house? Maybe all the siblings could kick in some $ for caregiving assistant in the home? As for her own house, talk to the sisters about a cleaning day to get mom's house in better shape. If mom always had a dirty house, your hubby and his siblings may not even see the same dirt that you do.

A few changes to get the ball rolling and ease yourself back to your own house to live. You may find mom is ok during the week, but going from house to house on the weekends will give her the company and family connection she is used to.

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She could use a grief group and/or counselor. People can go on grieving for years since everyone is different. You may find that there is some guilt under protracted grieving eg “I should have…” or “I shouldn’t have” Just telling them it isn’t their fault is a waste of breath. Grieving is a way of holding on to the person.

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I think it's time to maybe hire someone to maybe help her clean house, and then check up on her often soon after. You'll have to emotionally support her for probably for months until she is finally herself. Grief doesn't have a timeline. I'm sorry your husband's mother lost her husband. It will take her time to heal. It sounds like she will need grief counseling as in addition to outside help.

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Let me start off by saying you are absolutely not being selfish. You have a husband and a baby to think about and they must come before your MIL's grief. No, you should not have your baby crawling around in filth. That's not selfish.
From what you've said here, you and your husband have already tried everything within your power to come to a reasonable compromise to help your MIL. She is the one who refuses to be reasonable and compromise because she expects her children to become her parents. She wants her kids to make her the only priority in their lives and is using her grief over losing her husband as leverage to manipulate them into it.
Everyone has loss and grief in this life. Everyone hurts at some point too. Your MIL refuses to even entertain the possibility of a bereavement support group or a grief counselor. Instead she expects you and her adult kids to heal her grief and that is not possible to do.
Your MIL has to want to come back to life. No one can make her. If she's given up, so be it. There's nothing you can do for her.

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This post is a couple of months old, got lots of answers, and has gone into hibernation. Perhaps leave it to rest?

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How long do I have to emotionally support someone who is severely grieving? It has been a year.

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