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My mom is midway+ through vascular dementia. Same symptoms as Alzheimers, just a different timeline.

Mom lives by herself and she should not be. I was going for several hours 5 days - every week, but my son developed some serious health issues - my focus must be for him. I now go 2 days a week and we have outside help 3 days for 4 hours a day. Brother pops in the evening and sister for a minute on the weekend. Mom does not eat unless I make her and someone sits with her. I am the only one who sits with her. She won't drink unless she is made to.

We have had 2 family conferences with Mom's doctor about the need for placement in a home or having substantially more outside help, but my POA brother will not do it. My sister didn't come to either meeting.

He told me he has seen all of the incidences I have told him about. It makes no difference. He says she is fine for now. NO SHE IS NOT! I have worked for a year to get more help and/ or placement. On mother's day of this year, my brother finally agreed to start the process - however, he was leaving it to me. I told him I cannot start the process - he is POA - he has to do it. Immediately it was a big fat no way. He doesn't want to be the bad guy - but he was willing to let me. Okay. It needs to be done. Her doctor was ready to write the order before the first conference, but couldn't since I am not POA.

The only thing I can do is step back completely and let them take care of everything. I will call Adult Protective Services if they do not act. I will still visit with Mom and check on her, but I will not wait to get into legal trouble because of elder neglect. And that's what will happen if anything happens and Mom ends up in the hospital with injury from a fall, or whatever. It is a matter of time before another fall happens. I don't know if this about preserving what little money she has, or the emotional aspect, or just plain stubbornness. Mom's situation is not good and I am afraid for her safety. Her wellbeing must come before what she or we want.

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Mom is like an elephant - she can hold a grudge forever! Her being mad a t me doesn't matter. I just need to see that she's okay and looks okay. I gave her 3 weeks this time. Oh well. I'm sure I'm not the only person going through this, and I won't be the last.
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Frankly, I'm with your husband on this. Back away and tend to your son. Let mom forget she's mad at you. Let the other sibs step up or not.
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Thanks Babalou. I am moving on. My son has to take precedence. My hubby said that I should just not go over anymore. I wasn't upset that she was so nasty yesterday. It was almost comical. I will continue to see if she will see me. It is just a sad, scary situation. Thanks for all of your support and pats on the back. I really do appreciate all of you guys.
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Fedup, Serenity Prayer time. With my husband, visit a visit his stubborn mom, it was when she threatened to report him for Elder Abuse (because he was telling her that she needed to quit smoking due to COPD). We can want the best for out parents, but unless they trust us, they are driving the bus.

Yes, there is going to have to be "an event". Sorry that you're going through this.
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Thank you vstefans - yes, I know about guardianship. I cannot afford the lawyer fees involved. I am sure they see much worse, and the social worker caught Mom at a good time. I am just upset with the whole situation. Until she falls and hurts herself (and possibly won't be released to home), my brother will continue to kowtow to her in every way. It is what it is. The three of them will have to deal with it all. Thanks.
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Not having POA does not preclude you from seeking guardianship, and it sounds like you have gathered evidence. If you file for guardianship it is a huge responsibility and Mom has to see the notice about it and could contest it.

APS does not see neglect and abuse because nothing really bad has happened yet. They see a decently dressed, pleasant woman in a home where there is enough food and comfortable shelter. They did not see enough evidence of injury from falls and impaired judgement to act in this case - not "imminent danger" and like most APSs they are swamped with people who are absolutely in imminent danger. If she wears her Life Alert it may not matter that she can't explain what it is.
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Hi Sunnygirl, I put everything in my first email, but, she was looking only for physical abuse, it seems. Whether she had the whole email, I do not know. This afternoon, I wrote her one with all of the information, including her barely functioning kidneys and dementia. I included the falling and her not knowing what the life alert is for. I included her not eating (even tho, as she pointed out, there is food there) and drinking. And how long she is still there by herself. She did take Mom's word for all of it. I told her that Mom will tell her that she is fine - that Mom is mid way into dementia and is in denial. I told her about the two family conferences with her doctor and his wanting to give me the placement order before I called the first conference. I told her I was the one who did everything. Mom only mentioned that my brother brought her food and took her to the doctor.

If this is what they do, then APS is worthless. Social worker said she left a pamphlet with my Mom in case she needs any services. What? I will have to keep on her, I guess. I have to make her understand that this was not a physical abuse complaint, but a lack of needed care complaint. She didn't even speak with me, the filer.
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Fedup,
Did you make sure the investigator knows all the facts and that she is being fed lies by you mom? Does the investigator know about the health issues? I would think that someone handling Adult Protective services issues have seen things like this before, so they can spot the true situation.
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Thanks Babalou! You are right - this is not like raising kids one little bit! It doesn't help that Mom is the "queen of stubborn". Your Mom is like my MIL - very easy going and she understands that her kids are doing what's best for her. MIL adjusted well to her placement after a while. Her dementia is age related - she just turned 94. Healthwise she's doing great. My mom just turned 79 and she's at least 150 physically and mentally! UGH! Anyway.....

I'll keep going over and hope that she'll see me. One of these days she may forget that I'm now her hateful dauhgter. LOL!
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Fedup, I feel for you. I'm one of the lucky ones; my mom has always trusted us and knew that what we were telling her was for her benefit. But I've seen the other side of this with my MIL, who trusted no one, especially not her own kids.

You reap what you sow. My mom is well cared for in a Skilled nursing facility with frequent family visits. My MIL, after a hospitalization and ill advised surgery, had a post surgery stroke, refused rehab and purposefully starved herself to death. This is SO not like childrearing.
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OMG! Of course, I had to email the social worker investigating m mom's case. She said she saw Mom almost a month ago and did not see any neglect. Of course she didn't see any physical neglect. She took Mom's word for everything. Mom was having a good afternoon, apparently. She said the case is still open. I explained everything to her hoping maybe she misunderstood why she was seeing her, but no response as of yet. So, I guess it will come down to Mom falling and hurting herself again before she will be placed.

I went to see her this afternoon and she was mean. LOL! She still won't see me, and is still angry. I don't blame her. She will never understand why I have stepped back. She still insists that she does not have dementia and her kidneys are fine. She told me this today! She had the nerve to tell me that the doctor doesn't think she has dementia! Haha! All she thinks is that I want her in a home. Oh well. It is what it is. The three of them can deal with her decline because I will not be a part of it any longer if my siblings won't do what's right by her.
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Hey Sunnygirl - It is bizarre. Especially since my brother was all set to have me start the home process! He is kowtowing to her wishes. She should not be making this decision. He should be doing everything in his power to get her to move. She truly doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. The weird thing is, my brother stated that he had seen everything I told him about - her confusion, her not recognizing articles of clothing or books or whatever, all the things that happened.

This almost makes me think he has used some of her money for something, but I saw most her bank statements and nothing seemed amiss. So, except for being a freaking coward and not doing any research, I am at a loss. Oh well. It's all on him and my sister now! Thank you so much for your support and the pats on the back. It was not an easy decision, but one I had to make.
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staceyb - Thank you! Calling APS wasn't an easy thing to do, but, I had no other choice. Even tho she still has some okay days, most are not, and she needs to be somewhere so can be supervised. If mom falls, she doesn't get up without cues and help. With her last bad fall, she laid on the floor for probably 6 hours. She wasn't hurt, and she could have gotten up, but she doesn't know what to do!!! She broke her wrist last summer during a fall - it took her over an hour to get to the phone and call me. She was on the floor when we got there and had concocted a fabulous story as to how it happened. Next time she may not be so lucky and really hurt herself. Thanks for the pat on the back!!
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I'm so happy for you Fedup. You certainly did step up for your mom. God bless you. So few people actually do the right thing.

People being well intentioned is one thing, but your brother is just standing in the way of common sense. I hope the state steps in and he is no longer able to do that. Something is just not right with him, based on what you have reported. It's actually rather bizarre. I mean, who acts so mindlessly, especially when they know that a legal investigation is going to be started and they are the one who is at risk of being found at fault. It boggles the mind.
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FEDUP15, what a nightmare! I see you've done everything possible to help her situation, and I hope they find she need in pt care in a proper facility. Keep us posted on what happens! We are all rooting for you!
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Well. I gave my siblings the week to change things. They did not, so I filed my complaint this morning. A social worker got back with me this afternoon! She said she will be visiting my mother soon. Good luck with that. The person also sent me the guardianship petition form and one for disability. I guess they do that for everyone, but I really didn't expect to hear back so soon! In government speak soon could very well mean 6 months!! I called Mom this morning to see if I could come see her tomorrow - she said no. She did hesitate, tho. I worry about her health, but oh well.......
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should have typed I think he truly thinks he is helping mom..... Stress is not a good thing!! LOL!
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I have no problem with him or my sister being po'ed. At all. I truly think he is helping Mom by not talking her into moving, but he is hurting her instead. He is incredibly stubborn. But if he thinks he knows best - oh well. Thanks.
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Good news, I think. Yes brother will be po'ed, but he is already. Good luck!
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Well, The person I spoke with at APS said that Mom's situation does sound like it meets elder neglect criteria. It would, of course, have to be investigated and evaluated. So, I guess I have to proceed. Before it's too late. Thanks for all of your help and support everyone. I'll let ya know what happens.
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Thanks. I am awaiting a call back from the APS person. She will probably call back when I'm on the road between here and there - it's going to be another one of those days. That's how it usually goes. Then I play phone tag for a day. I said I didn't want to file a report just yet, that my brother has shut me out of her care, and I am very afraid for Mom and I need some information and advice on the process. We'll see. I hope that (maybe) her doctor will see some form of neglect/ psych abuse that he is obligated(in my state) to report as well.
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Good luck my dear. I'm glad you made her doctor aware. Let us know how things get on.
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The place is also smallish - no more than 104 beds total. Some of the ones here have upwards of 250 -300. Not for me. Some are too hospitaly - I didn't like those. Some rooms are too teeny - this place had lovely, bright, sunny, good sized rooms with lots of storage. lots of places to walk outside, etc. She will be fine once she gets over her "mad" . It took my MIL about 2 months to become at home in her place.
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Bablou - No I did not call APS yet- too much going on. I was hardly home yesterday and today. Tomorrow morning before I take my son to the doc.

Sunnygirl - There are no assisted living facilities that take medicaid in my state. She will be self pay for less than a year, then will have to convert to medicaid. I have done my research - tons of it - months of it.- toured several places. The place I really liked has a very good dementia program. It is a rehab/long term care facility. Theei therapy unit is a good one as well. They have 7 doctors on staff and tons on nurses around the clock. I had 8 places on my list. Most of the places I toured put dementia patients that will convert sooner than later into double rooms right off the bat. That way they don't have to move and there is less confusion. I appreciate your suggestions - I really do, but I truly have done my homework on this issue. This situation is just going to have to play out. He has control, so he can face the fallout from that control. Her doctor is aware that my brother has shut me out. He is aware that he will be bringing her in now. So thanks for all of your help my friends. It helped just venting and ranting and explaining things.
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There are different types of facilities. Maybe your mom doesn't need nursing home care. What if she needs Assisted Living or Memory Care. A proper assessment could determine what type of facility she really needs.
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So, did you call APS?
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The papers didn't say what the oxygen was. At the time of release her BP was normal. I think it was from the trauma of the surgery. Her blood pressure has been really good, maybe a bit low at times(needs to be a bit higher for dementia patients). She had just been to her doc about a week before the surgery for that very thing, plus her dementia check. She was also at a dermatologist and the surgeon's office prior to the outpatient surgery. That's most likely why he wanted it. To be certain. At the surgeon last week, her BP was normal as well. The point is, my a-hole brother should not have cancelled any appointment without checking with me first. If he had listened when i told him, he would have known what it was for. Had he bothered to read the discharge papers, he would have known what it was for. He was just being a butt! It wasn't right when the surgeon said it should be because I could not get an appointment that quickly. And told him she didn't want to go - of that I am positive. Mom has had visiting nurses and therapy many times - a condition of discharge. We have been through it all at one time or another in the last 6 years or so. If I notice anything - she's right in the doc's office - I do not hesitate. Whether she likes it or not. I have dealt with 5 year olds for a while now. Between my two boys and her! LOL.
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Not taking her to that appointment could be construed as medical neglect. Which is why I would call the doctor to check out what s/he wants done about the symptoms your mom is demonstrating. A stroke would be a devastating event.
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Nope! He really doesn't have much sense. He has made some really bad decisions that have gotten him into some very hot water over the years! Mom plays him like a fiddle. She has even played us against each other to get what she wants. Not as much now as in the early years of her DX. He has always kowtowed to her. He does not like confrontation or conflict. It's easier for him to give in to her than possibly upset both of them. He will have to learn very quickly how not to let her run the show. I am able to do it from dealing with my son all these years, and I applied that knowledge to her. I do understand that part. But, he is ultimately hurting Mom and himself with his learning curve. His comfort level should not play a part in the care Mom truly needs.

To disregard what the doctor says and any healthcare professional who comes in contact with Mom is irresponsible. Anyone who sees her can very plainly see where she is at and what her issue is. I have a sneaking suspicion that the hospital mentioned something to him because he extended the aide help very quickly after fighting me on it for so long. He has got to open his eyes before something bad happens.
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How low was mom's blood oxygen? Having low O2 can certainly interfere with clear headed thinking. Does your brother realize this? Does she have COPD or other lung disease?

I think I might call mom's doctor and report why the surgeon wanted her seen and the doctor's advice about what to do. Perhaps he could order nursing services to come out and see mom ever week or so, since she hates going out so much.

If she wants to stay in her home, she needs to accept in home care. Your choice mom.
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