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My 86-year-old mother recently fell, damaged her rotor cuff and does not have good use of her left arm/hand during recovery. Mom has MCI but her primary problem is short-term memory. I purchased a lift assist recliner since she cannot sleep laying flat in a bed for several weeks. Because of her short-term memory problems, it took Mom a few days to get accustomed to the chair and use the control to raise and lower the recline. There are a couple of other chairs Mom has been using her arms to push out of where that is much harder only pushing with one arm. I have been providing an arm for her to "pull" her way up because she is so much more stable getting to her feet that way. I do not pull Mom up just provide a "mobile" grab bar.


I have a grand-nephew just a couple months short of 14 who is Mom's oldest great-grandchild and has always been fairly responsible - good "big brother" and "big cousin" with younger children. He lived with me a number of years during his father's divorce and remarriage and only recently moved back in next door with his father and stepmother (he lived with me and Grandma for over 2 years so he is familiar with her memory problems). One of the reasons I relocated next to his father's home after Mom came to live with me was so that he could occasionally help me when he grew older by staying in the house with his great-grandmother when the day comes I don't feel comfortable leaving her alone while I run to the store or he could pick up the groceries when he has a drivers license. I have no intention of ever asking him to provide hands-on caregiving for my mother, although he started bringing her the newspaper every morning before school and will occasionally help her with her shoes or find her glasses on his own initiative.


Although my Mom normally stays by herself when I work in the office or go shopping or out for a movie, I did not feel comfortable leaving her alone immediately following her fall when she was still adjusting to doing things without using her left arm and seemed to be just a bit off her normal good balance. So I asked my grand-nephew to stay with Mom and help be that mobile grab bar while I went to the grocery store. I should also probably add that my grand-nephew is 4 inches taller than I and 155 lbs of solid muscle so he's as physically capable (or maybe more so) than I am.


My question is this - is he old enough at nearly 14 to keep an eye on and help Grandma for 60-90 minutes with his father and stepmother in the house next door? Am I expecting too much of him at too young an age? He has never lost patience with Mom even when she asks him the same question 2-3 times in an hour. He was in the house when Mom fell (as I was) and helped me get her up into a chair using a sheet wrapped around her waist and support under the uninjured arm - very concerned and helpful at the time and didn't seem to be upset afterwards. He was already at my house to watch a movie when I asked him to stay with my Mom until I got back. I told him if Grandma fell again while I was out of the house to not move her and call his father or stepmother.


I want him to learn that family members help each other in many small ways - Grandma sewing up a rip in his favorite school jacket, his carrying in groceries, my driving him to football practice or helping him with a school project. But I don't want to cross the line and make him feel responsible for Grandma's care or put him in a situation he's not emotionally capable of handling.

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I think under 2 hours with help right next door is not asking too much, I know my brother and I sat with my grandfather when we were around that age.
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I agree with Cwille. He sounds like a good kid.
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I see no problem as long as he has someone close. If she falls again, he should not try to pick her up. You probably shouldn't have before. Hips break easily and you should wait until the EMTs come.
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If he's a responsible kid (and it sounds like he is) and has places to call if he has issues, I'd feel comfortable leaving him with grandma - IF he's ok with the idea. Make sure he's comfortable. And run through some possible scenarios with him (and write them out with what to do). Keep that handy for him when he's alone with her.
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Tacy I loved my grandparents and it never felt like a burden to spend time with them, he's being asked to keep her company while Techie goes to the store not to give up his childhood.
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In this case, he suggested he would stay while I went to the grocery store. I was out of milk for cereal, his favorite vanilla ice cream and the ground beef needed to make a couple of his favorite "snack" dishes so he asked me when I was going to the grocery store. I told him maybe later that night after Grandma was asleep or early the next morning before she got up because I didn't want to leave her alone while she might need some help getting out of a chair. He volunteered to stay to help Grandma and carry in the groceries if I would make hamburger helper stroganoff as soon as I got back. :)
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I loved my grandma with all my heart. I'd have done anything to help her and would NOT have considered it a burden at that age. I don't think he should be babysitting grandma on a daily basis but once or twice a week for a grocery run isn't cruel or unusual in my opinion. It will teach him compassion and that family helps each other.
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Techie, I'm with those who think this is workable and feasible. I also think that people should help each other, whether in families or outside of families. I might be naïve but I think it's part of human nature to extend ourselves when others need help.

You might think of all the possible scenarios that could occur (although I suspect you already have as you're very thorough), go over them with him and work out what he could do if they occur. You've probably already got med and doctor lists available for him in the event of a real emergency?

I think this should include a fall, especially if Grandma has a hard fall and is in discomfort. I think we probably differ on this point; I was the sole caregiver and wouldn't have been comfortable helping Dad up with some of the major falls he had. If he could move on his own, I helped him up, but sometimes he just couldn't move. Then I called EMS.

You might want to review what would be the different responses for different falls, i.e., wait until he had help, or an immediate emergency requiring EMS assistance.

I do think this is a good way for him to learn responsibility for caring, eventually for a spouse and his own children, and think that this will help him become a strong and compassionate adult. Kudos to you for handling it this way!
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Your grand-nephew is 13 years old (almost 14.) Saying almost 14 doesn't make him one year older. He's still 13. If your mom is not combative with him or tries to be a bully over him, I see no problem with him watching once in a while. I agree that once in a while is fine, but do not make it a routine. He is still a teenager. Don't put any burden or familial obligation on him - especially when it comes the time he would prefer to go with his friends to the mall or ballgame on the weekends.

Please make sure before you leave him alone that there is an adult next door. Don't assume. Let them know that you're leaving the nephew to watch his grandma and when you will be back. When you do return, let them know that you're back. What worries me is that he's still a 13 year old.

By the way, if something major happened to your mom, would You as the responsible adult in that household get in trouble with the law for leaving her with a 13 year old? Most likely not, but better to check and make sure it's nothing illegal like elder neglect and child endangerment.

Remember to tell nephew, that there's still the 911 if he needs help fast. Best to write down the house physical address.... When my mom was struggling breathing, I panicked. Easy peasy to call 911 for an ambulance to take her to the ER. I completely 100% forgot my street address or the house number! I've lived here most of my life. And I couldn't remember the home address. When I got home from the hospital, the first thing I did was write the street address and taped it by the telephone.
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Yes he's a responsible KID and is willing to help if needed. I think it's OK ONCE IN A WHILE, but not routinely where it becomes like an obligation. He may very soon get tired of 'volunteering' and start resenting.

I recommend you pay him some money, not just food, for his time so he doesn't feel taken advantage of. You would have to pay if you asked a neighbor or hired a caregiver to watch your mother while you went out. So you should pay your grand nephew for doing the same job.
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I think as long as there is help nearby who he can call it's okay to leave him in charge for an hour or two. I wouldn't leave him all day and I would definitely tell him he needs to call for help if he is in over his head. (Grandma soils herself, for example.) . I think as he does it more often, it might become tempting to think of him as an option for an all day respite care and that wouldn't be a good idea.
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My nieces were about age 17 and 16 when they watched their bedridden grandmother (vegetative state, oxygen, stomache tube and suctioning trache) and their bedridden grandfather (ornery old man). Polarbear, I forgot about that until you mentioned it. Yep, I paid them $10/hr. One used it for eating out at restaurants, the other one put it in her savings for emergency.
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I should start by asking him how he feels about it. Pay close attention - you should be able to distinguish between sincere willingness to help on the one hand, and not wanting to seem rude and ungrateful on the other.

As long as he really is willing, there is real benefit to him from taking this responsibility. I agree about an hourly rate for his work, to show that you are taking his input seriously; but as he is so young be careful to give him clear guidelines about what he is and isn't expected to do, and have a back-up plan so that you don't end up forcing him to take a shift when he'd really rather be somewhere else.
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I don't have any advice beyond what has already been said but I would just like to say that an hour or two alone with G'Ma could be a very educational experience for this young person.
I remember those time with my GG'Ma. Some of the best stories I have ever heard. She told of her G'Ma walking behind the wagon from Tenn. thru Kentucky. Of injuries and home treatments. Tragic deaths. Looking at the old black and white pictures of relatives and how they dressed.
talks like that could help keep G'Ma out of trouble and relaxed. And with assistance right next door, both should safe and build memories.
You might even consider getting him a voice recorder to document those times.
I wish I had done that.
Just my take on the flip side of the coin.
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I think it's great to instill what I call "street smarts" and common sense in kids at young ages. I began to babysit in my early teens close by home and loved getting paid for it (not a lot back then). I would start dinner some days of the week before my mom got home from work (peel potatoes, set the table) and other chores. I walked or rode my bike down to my grandmother's house and cleaned for her nearly every Saturday morning all through high school (she had cancer). I never felt abused or misused and did have friends and fun, not to mention pocket change for things I wanted. I wish my grandnephews (13 and 16) weren't so helpless or clueless. They could be a much better help to my niece if she wanted them to be and be learning some necessary skills.
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The emotional damage that a child can suffer if something would happen to your mother is not worth the risk. No way should this young man be staying with your mother. Due to the fact that he lived with you and your mother while he was growing up exhibited to him that family takes care of family. You do not need to teach him that lesson; he has already experienced it.
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I agree with those that say it's probably fine for short periods. It's really not an age question but a maturity one and you know him well enough to make that call. Consider whether or not he can handle an emergency situation on his own and if you feel he could then he's ready. Playing devils advocate, let's assume that your cell phone for some reason quits working, he can't get any help from neighbors and there is a fire, power outage, medical emergency, fall, choking, stroke, heart attack etc. Will this young man be mature enough to know how to handle those situations? Will handling such a situation be likely to deeply traumatize him? Even with adults, some people are well suited for care-giving and some are not. From your description he seems to be suited for it, but you would know him better than anyone. I was care-giving family elders at a very young age, I have adult siblings who are still unsuited to it.
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When does a child learn to be responsible? What age? So much of learning/teaching is small increments.
As he stays with grandma while you scoot to the store; it’s not too much to ask.
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Your fourteen year old grandson should not be given responsibility for his grandma's welfare.
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Yes, he is old enough.

I understand tacy022's opinion - but when life throws you a curve ball, things are not always optimal.
My BIL used to come home from School and had to take care of Grandma because his mother had to work - today she would be eligible for SSI, but 60 years ago, it wasn't available. His father had a widow-maker at age 45 and it was just his mother, grandmother and him - no one else to call on at the time. So his mother had a full-time job and had to pay the mortgage (dad never signed the insurance papers before he died) plus take care of a young son and aging mother.

Talk to your grandson to see what he is comfortable doing and sitting and keeping grandma company is not too much to ask.

A 14 yr old girl is old enough to babysit - why can't a 14 yr old boy grandma-sit?
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The answer lies within your culture, or the culture you want to propigate. Many Asian, African, American Indian, and South American cultures see the younger generation helping the older generation as a sort of rite of passage and fully expected. Not too long ago, so did European cultures. Affluency, industrialization, and disconnection from family through multiple moves changed the perspective of many European cultures.
It’s not just about the culture you want him to grow up in, but also what his parents, great-grandma, you, and he are comfortable with. Which is as simple as a family sit down meeting to find out what every one thinks.
Personally, my family on both sides has gone to great lengths and sacrifices to maintain ties with family, teaching the younger generation to respect and appreciate our ancestors both living and not. Children need to learn there are others outside of themselves who have needs and require help. It teaches them more than responsibility and compassion. It gives them a sense of self-worth, their place in the world, their connection to something greater than just their short years on this earth, and the reality that our own lives are short and we all grow old. All of these increase his perspective making him a mature and more well rounded person.
I don’t think you can go wrong by having him involved, but how many hours a day and how many days a week is more of a family discussion matter. There’s a balance there and no wrong answer. 
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Don't force the care on him, but find out what he thinks. He may be willing to do occasional short-term care or he may not. As for she, maturity is far more important. Some 14 year olds are very mature, others not so.
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chiye5

You hit the nail on the head about different cultures and the family dynamic
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First he is very young. A young teen. And while yes he may be responsible he is a teen and should do "teen" activities. He needs his time as well.
A bit of a back story here...My Mom died when I was 11, my Grandma was living with us and she also was not well. I grew up caring for the family as well as watching my Dad care for his MIL. All the while watching my Dad get sicker, he died 4 years after my Mom. Looking back I probably would not have wanted it any other way because that has led me to where I am today. But I did miss out on a lot of stuff.

Ask him what he is comfortable doing.
Keep the time short that he is watching Grandma.
Make sure that he knows that he is to do "hands on" care. Imagine how he would feel if helping Grandma out of a chair she or he lost balance or she let go and she fell. Or just by chance it was the time when she broke her hip. (Most hip fractures are a break and fall not a fall and break and that can happen when you turn wrong).
Also you might want to find out what the regulations in your State are, can a 14 year old be left alone? (I know technically he would not be "alone" but is his Grandmother able to care for him?)
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I see this is one of those threads that catches a lot of attention!
RayLin's comments made me think about how much the world has changed for young people, my mother (and most of her peers) finished school at 14 and left home to work. No, it's not something I would recommend to any young person today but I don't think our teens today are less capable or resilient.
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Tacy022, one of the reasons some young people are irresponsible and can't seem to enter the adult world is because they haven't been encouraged and maybe even pushed a bit to be responsible. He's not being asked to be full-time caregiver, just a short-term sitter.
He's old enough to learn responsibility and compassion for others.
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From the way the question was asked, has someone told you that he should not be asked to do this? Maybe his dad or step-mom?

I would wonder how he would deal with a fall that produced a bloody head wound, an injured shoulder is not messy and a responsible adult was present. You say he didn't seem upset later, I have never met a 13 year old young man that would be willing to show or tell anyone that something shook him up, just not cool or manly. If he is still willing to share all of his feelings with an adult woman, I would say that the maturity is probably not there.

I think that if you decide to pursue him as a babysitter you should be very sure that his parents and him all agree and find the time and conditions appropriate. Time with our elders can be very enriching, unless we are an unwilling participant.

Just my thought, it bugs me you actually planned a move based on a child helping you in this situation. Makes me think you will not take no for an answer based on the calculations behind the scene.
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As long as your grand-nephew does not need to provide personal care for Grandma, I see no reason not to ask him to “visit” with her while you run errands. I’m 64 and still cherish the times I spent with my grandma. You might even offer some monetary compensation for his time.

However, it does sound to me like you are grooming him to be Grandma’s caregiver, even relocating closer and making plans for the future for his care of Grandma. This is what bothers me. He sounds like the sort of young an who has been taught to respect his elders and obey them. He may believe he is not allowed to say “no”.

You may want to have him take a Red Cross first aid course if he’s willing. Or even a babysitting course. Accidents happen and he should know what to do. If Grandma is showing mental decline, he needs to understand she may say things that are “off the wall” so to speak and know how to deal with that. And if the mental decline continues, he should no longer be charged with “watching her”.
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Old enough to use a phone to call you.
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No, he is not. Physically, yes, but t out the responsibility 100% on him is not a good idea. He doesn’t have the reasoning skills you do to care for her if he’s left alone with her. Also, if something should happen while he is alone with her, that could be a bad thing. Please know that I answer from my heart, as I have two teens. My dad, 94, is in AL. Even when we visit, I don’t leave them alone with him.
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