I know I can’t care for my mom but how to deal with the sadness and guilt of them being in memory care. My mom looks great but she has middle stage Alzheimer’s and mobility issues. She has a hard time finding words now and is becoming incontinent. She cries daily. She lost my dad and brother two years ago. She will say she likes it there then will say she doesn’t. It’s a big change from her ALF. (Same facility) Some residents are better than her but some worse. It’s depressing visiting. There are a few residents that shout and yell. It bothers me but she doesn’t seem to mind. I try to get her out as much as possible but hard to do it alone. She still uses a walker but very unsteady. She’s on my mind 24/7. It’s hard to visit after work. I’m about an hour aways so they are usually sitting around the tv by time I get there and there’s not much room for me and when I ask if she wants to go in another room to talk she will say no. So I stay a few minutes and leave. I’m her only family and the place is great because there are doctors there and they do xrays and bloodwork etc. otherwise I would have to take off work to do all that. But sometimes I wonder if she would be better in a small apartment with a full time live in. Anyone else have these same feelings. Thanks for letting me vent.
I don’t believe it would be wise to consider a small apartment with a live in. She is safe and secure where she is, with doctors, etc., and making changes now may be a step backward. In my experience, dementia patients don’t do well with change. Routine is everything and it sounds like she has all that she needs. Please don’t torture yourself with second guessing. You’re doing it right!
I am sorry that you are struggling with this. It’s hard. Hugs! 💗
We schlepped her out to her favorite Italian restaurant for her 93rd birthday on the 20th and yes it was hard, but we did it.
My husband and I go to visit once a week and stay for about an hour; there's not much to do or to talk about at this stage of the game, so we limit our time. It is what it is. She's not suffering with terminal cancer or an amputated leg. She's alive and pretty much okay for 93; living in a beautiful place with an attentive staff. She's outlived the rest of her family, and the rest of the mortality group by about 15 years.
Things could be worse. You have a life yourself. Feeling 'guilty' is senseless here. You should feel guilty if she was homeless or you left her alone all day at home to fend for herself. Thinking about her 24/7 serves no purpose either..........she's lived her life and is continuing to live it. Live YOUR life, my friend, you deserve to. Your mother is being taken care of, as mine is, and you are doing all you can for her to boot. Feeling the need to devote your entire life and mindset to your elderly mother isn't the way things should be, nor the way SHE would want you to live, I don't think.
You can't fix old age or dementia. You can't fix ANY of this. All you can do is be thankful she's still around and doing relatively okay for now.
Take things one day at a time and that may help you gain a better perspective on the entire situation.
Have you considered some therapy to help you deal with your obsessive thinking about her? She is safe, she has a bed, she has food, and overall will adjust to her surroundings.
If you arrive during her TV time why not consider eliminating those visits? Visit her one a week on the weekend for an hour or two.
The bottom line is that you will have to let go, accept what is happening, life is about change, nothing remains constant and we have to roll with it. You sound like a caring daughter, be at peace, she is very lucky to have you! Take care!
Previously she had been anxious and depressed, then with judicious changes in dosage and times of administration, she became more comfortable, and has remained so.
There was no choice when she entered full time care, and I grieved that I couldn’t have her with me in my home, but having seen the disease progress, I’m grateful for both her and myself that we decided as we did.
You are a compassionate, sensitive daughter, and for me, feelings very close to yours was part of MY adjustment process.
I’m not sure why you think your mother would be more comfortable in an apartment with an aide. If she seems to be at peace even part of the time, that usually means you may be doing the best you should expect. The course of the disease can cause highs and lows that don’t necessarily indicate the feelings you and she shared when you were younger.
Trust yourself.