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Welcome!

I think you have done what many have done - tried to have love & togetherness save the day. Caring led you to take the action of temporarily moving in but It didn't turn out as planned. That's ok - it happens!

A least now you know - really know.

Time for a new care plan. That suits ALL of you, not just Mom.
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Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry you are living under such awful circumstances; I can truly understand why you can't stand to go home after work! Your mother's stubborn refusal to make you and your family feel welcome in her home is making your lives there insufferable.

I think you have no other alternative but to move out, personally. Your mother is 77 years old and can live another 2 decades, in reality. Do you want to live like this? In reality, her house can be sold so SHE can afford to pay for care of some kind in either Assisted Living or Skilled Nursing; you should never pay out of your own pocket to fund HER life as an elder. You should also not be held hostage in her home by her rigid rules where nobody can even watch a movie together in the living room! It's ridiculous and I'd put an end to it immediately if it were me.

Once you move out, mother can hire in-home help or look into selling the house and moving into managed care. You and your husband & children are not responsible to be her caregivers and personal servants for life. Look at it as you were doing this TEMPORARILY to help her recuperate; she recuperated, and now you 4 move on with your lives.

I know you are asking how to 'somehow live together under one roof' but unless your mother does a complete turn-around with her selfish all-about-me rules that she's put in place, I just don't see it happening. You all deserve a better life than what she is offering you.

Best of luck realizing that to make in-home care work, it has to work for EVERYONE involved, not just mom. Your family comes first, and it's perfectly fine to know that.
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Slartibartfast Nov 2021
And without a home of your own, once you've spent all your money on her and she has to go into a residential home she'll have to sell her house to pay for it and you'll be left homeless and broke.
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If you’re feeling resentful imagine how the rest of your family is feeling having to isolate themselves to get a moments peace. This living arrangement isn’t good or sustainable for anyone. It’ll cause you health issues. Mom should live in a place with activities and friends. You should live in your own home with your family. I hope you’ll decide it’s time to change this
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Marm, welcome!

I'd like to start by saying that you shouldn't be paying your mom's bills! Mom should pay her own way. HER resources should be paying for any facility or nursing care she needs.

Have you looked into getting mom qualified for Medicaid?

Living as you are right now sounds like a very unhappy and stressful situation for you all. No healthy, not sustainable.

Meanwhile, if mom has dementia, you can't reason with her.

You need to start putting your family first. Start out by calling the local Area Agency on Aging. Ask for a needs assessment and case management services for mom. Maybe you need to consult an eldercare attorney to figure out how to disentangle your finances and get mom set up to pay her own expenses so you all can go back to living your lives.
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