How to cope with anger brewing inside me?

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How to cope with anger brewing inside me?

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While I didn't do the actual care for my mother, the anger building up with my brothers was really impacting me. They were not just less than helpful, they were often hurtful (verbally AND physically!) Hormones had nothing to do with it, as I am well past that point!

In my case, I started an email to each one, set it aside and came back now and then to add or edit. Eventually I just left them in the draft folder. I got out most of what I needed to say. I realized sending these would NOT make a difference as they wouldn't recognize or accept anything I had to say and it would likely result in flak back. So, they sit in that folder to this day. I just learned to ignore them and do what needed to be done for mom.

Your case is a little different only in that it doesn't sound like your sisters are interfering, but they also aren't helping much. I would imagine it's difficult to deal with personal care for any man who isn't a husband or son, but for a dad! I really don't think I could have done what you do for my mother. It isn't the reason I chose MC, as there were MANY reasons I couldn't do it (and those 2 clowns wouldn't have been the right way to go!) For those who say they changed our diapers, it isn't anywhere NEAR the same! Some who provide care for parents have never had their own kids, so they don't even have that experience, though it still isn't the same!

I do hope you have access to some of his assets/income so you can hire some help. You DO need ME time. Doing that 24/7 is not doable by one person. Whenever possible, do find time to get out or away from the care, even if it's a half hour for that bike ride! The physical energy for that should help burn off some of the anger. Learn to recognize when that anger is building up and take a breather (obviously not mid-brief change....), even if it's just to step outside or into another room, take some deep breaths, relax your body.

Sympathies to you and all others going through this!

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IS it almost time for the assisted living for your loved one? Channel your anger into productive research as to how nice one assisted living facility is over the other? Start with the food-- is it Sysco (?)-- in which every 6 months the management replaces the cook because there are only so many ways to fix the same stuff over and over-- would you want to live somewhere where the food was tiresome? There are other food providers-- like Gordons (YUM-YUM!) -- so do you homework now or wish you had. Look for places with great entertainment directors who love to show their love for the folks living in the facility-- example--- a Really Great Director-- #1 enlisted the help of a sweet red-haired obviously comically-inclined who would saunter over to the ladies camped out in overstuffed chairs in the lobby and tell them jokes off her tablet with a straight face until they all died laughing-=- sorry poor wording but you get my point-- QUALITY ! is important ! One place every year brought in ever so small D Shetland Ponies dressed up in costumes ! And had an outdoor courtyard that doubled as a garden planted by the residents ! Also had a babypool out there that was filled with ducklings -- until they flew away... but it was great !
EVENTUALLY you are gonna need a break, a permanent one-- or you will go nuts and regret any stuff you say or do. Do your HOMEWORK, soldier !
NOW, soldier !

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DugganB - I so agree! My Mom has now, unfortunately, been in several facilities. The quality of the Activities Director (and department) makes a HUGE difference in the lives of the residents. It amazed me the difference I saw in facilities! One facility (pre-Covid) had an Activities Director who was so creative and worked hard to find and implement a wonderful variety of activities for the residents. However, an Activities Director at another facility seemed to not care less, had no creativity and only did the bare minimum of her job. Very sad for those residents.

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I feel your pain and frustration. My brother lives out of the country so he's no help. He doesn't even call regularly to check in on mom or me. When we do hear from him he offers no real support or acknowledgement of all I'm doing for OUR 98yo mother. When I tell him he goes mute. No comment. Being a caregiver has changed me and not for the better. I never thought it would be soooo hard. I know my husband and adult children have seen the change in me. I still work fulltime. In a sense, my workplace has become my happy place. My husband cannot help much bc she wants no male help when it comes to toileting and hygiene which is a huge part of caregiving. My grace and compassion has run out. My nerves are shot! Mom was in respite care for about 6 weeks and it was heavenly and a welcomed break. However, my 6 weeks of rest was zapped in 1 day of her being back home. I knew I couldn't continue to use my work breaks and lunch hour to care for my mom during the day anymore and everyday. It was just too stressful. I had to have some outside help. I now have an aide come 5/days a week for 6.0 hours a day to help Mom while I am at work. I am grateful for this but it still leaves me with the evening and night shift and weekends. It doesn't get easier. I'm resentful because when Mom was in her sixties, she was retired and had a life of her own and enjoyed many activities to do as she pleased. I don't have that luxury or spontaneity. We have no privacy. I'm stuck because she cannot be left alone. She can't walk anymore and needs to be transfered alot. I'm so tired and it isn't getting easier. I have no real answer for you. I know walks, meeting with friends, exercising, getting away for awhile, getting some outside help are all good ideas and help for the moment but the fact remains your loved one is still there when you return and its back to the same old same old. My other friends are tired of hearing my woes and complaints so I stopped talking to them about it. I do so appreciate this forum because people here understand. They are living it or have lived it. I can vent here. Lots of good learning here too. Hugs to all the caregivers!

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I thought I had written this! Pre-COVID, going to work was the only break I got. Now that I telework, I’m stuck with no where to escape. Mom requires 24/7 care and I’m the only caregiver. Cleaning her and caring for her doesn’t bother me. Sure, it’s tiring, but ok. What I hate is the sundowning, which is hours of her moaning and crying for no reason. That’s when I feel like I’m about to crack. Yes, this too shall pass someday.

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Imho, I, too, was tired of wiping up the bathroom floor and toilet seat while having had to live out of state and in with my mother to care for her in her home. But you must remember - this, too, will end. I know that it isn't a comforting thought, but it's the truth. Prayers sent.

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My 2 sisters live in different states, so I’m struggling to care for my mom alone. It feels as if they are kicked back, enjoying life, while I struggle. But God sees and knows all. Don’t worry. One day, the tables will be turned. Hang in there. Hire additional aides and ask family to pitch in to pay for what they can’t do for your mom.

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dear love,

hug!!
you wrote:

“One day, the tables will be turned.”

i truly believe that.

courage. and go for life!! we must live our lives too :).

bundleofjoy

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Ok, a lot of these answers deal with handling the mess, but not many are addressing your question of how to deal with the anger.

You need to prepare a list of your frustrations and concerns, what is really bothering you. Another list of all the tasks you are doing, or feel you have to do. Then make a list of things someone else can/could do instead of you.

The next step depends on what kind of relationship you have with your sisters. Schedule a meeting and present them with the list. Tell them how you are feeling and ask them what they are willing to do to help YOU. You need help and you have to figure out how to get it.

If that's not feasible, or you don’t trust that your sisters will help, than you need to get some outside help. This might range from therapy for you, to aids to help with your parent, to finding a care facility to place them. Do you have a religious affiliation that you can reach out to for advice? A local Agency on Aging?

Ask yourself what would happen if you got sick or had a breakdown, who cares for Dad then? I realize it is difficult right now to accept an outsider into your home but it might be the best solution right now. I hope you are able to get the vaccine you yourself and your parent, contact your doctor ASAP.

Good luck, and keep in touch. You found this forum so it's a good start.

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You have some great ideas.
I currently have a bath aid for him, and that’s a lot of help.
I do worry what I would do if I get sick of my back goes out. I’m sure one of my sisters would come to help. Eventually he might have to go into a facility if he gets bad enough to where I can’t physicaly do it. He has told me he wants to die at my house. Ug!
Dad got his vaccine, and I’m hoping in can get mine in a week or 2. That will help with some added stress.

Thank you you for your advice and support.

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You have every right to feel angry, frustrated, resentful, etc. I wish I knew how to let go of it all, too. My mother died in NOV 2018 and my father in May 2020 and I'm still angry and unable to get over the fact that all the responsibility for them was dumped in my lap 15 years ago when they followed me to where I was living in Florida. Both were toxic, difficult individuals in their own ways. My retirement years and my health were ruined. Traveling/vacations were put on hold as their neediness was a full time job. My 2 younger brothers got off scot-free by living 1100 miles away. I didn't expect any hands on help of course due to distance, but neither ever helped out one penny towards their care or living expenses for 5 years in Independent Living apartment (yes, I asked). Worst of all was the total lack of moral support for all the times I was overwhelmed with worry and stress. Out of sight, out of mind. They were well aware that I am on full disability for PTSD and I should never have been put in this position. I never had kids and I would never be able to change a diaper or wipe anyone's butt. At least I made it clear to my parents years ago that living with me would never be an option. When they went to AL in July 2018, I thought my life would get easier but they still expected me to do everything. They never got the concept of AL. Had to start saying no. "No I can't drive you to the doctor/pharmacy/grocery store. They provide transportation. I can hardly lift and fit your walker in my car. If you fall, I can't lift you." They insisted I bring groceries even though the facility had a wonderful restaurant style dining room, 3 meals a day. I know the food was good, I ate several meals with them there. All they did was complain about everything, they hated everything. They each bitched about the other to me constantly. Then, the wrong parent died first, leaving me to deal with a sociopathic narcissist, who told everyone lies for attention or sympathy. He treated my mom like crap for 64 years and his verbal/emotional abuse is what killed her. Every time I visited him, I got the added bonus of being screamed and sworn at in TWO languages. I went from very low contact to no contact in January before the pandemic lockdowns. Couldn't take it anymore, couldn't stand to be in the same room with him. Had to block his number from leaving me voicemails with his demands. Whatever he needed was relayed by staff members and I'd drop it off at the front lobby. It was a nightmare that wouldn't end until I finally got 'the call.' No guilt or grief, just relief. He was a miserable, disordered, hateful human being. Off my PTSD meds for 2 years now thanks to damn liver disease. So, yeah, still angry and I just don't know how to get over it. Once his estate is settled, I'll be done with my siblings too.

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Oh my gosh! Your story gives me anxiety! Ug! I don’t blame you for doing what you did, you had to think and take care of you! Sometimes they think they are intitled to be treated like a king, it’s tiring. God bless you.
thank you for telling me your story.

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Anger is a warning sign that something outside of your control is beginning to harm you. Now you have to fight or flee - only you and the situation can choose for you. You have every right to feel anger (I sure would). I don't think that you should have to deal with the constant frustration and anger for which there seems to be no solution. If no one will help you can you get a caretaker? And if that doesn't work, you will have to place her in a facility. Do not let someone else's situation destroy YOUR life.

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If you don't want to do this any longer, you don't have to. It is ok to say my mom or dad needs 24/7 care and I can't physically do it anymore. You don't have to accept the "short straw" just because you live closer than your sisters do. To manage the care of someone is HUGE and getting angry about it is perfectly normal. My own anger didn't subside until I moved mom into assisted living and then it felt manageable to me and not taking every minute of my time and energy. There is still plenty to do for her, but I am able to have my own life.

I would schedule a zoom with your sisters and explain that you're tired, you're angry and it's time to look for a long term care facility. They can then do one of two things...offer to take on the responsibility themselves or they can come into town and help you look for a LTC facility and assist with all the paperwork involved.

What made me feel better about making the decision for my mom was flipping the situation. I would never expect my own daughter to give up her life and work herself to death so that I wouldn't have to go to a facility. I wouldn't want her hating to come into her own home because she dreaded having to bathe me, feed me, change me,...whatever. I could never be that selfish. If I was unable to make decisions for myself, I would want her to help me find a safe clean place to go that was close by so she could visit and check in on me.

Don't feel guilty. Make healthy decisions for you and your parent.

Take care.

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hugs!

"safe, clean place to go".
i think it's sometimes tricky...depending on where one lives, it can be hard to find a "safe, clean place". there are many stories of facilities that are abusive, that drug elderly people; neglect, etc...

i wish us to find good solutions.

in any case, as many have stated on the forum:
if our parents love us, they want us to have our own life, to succeed.

bundle of joy

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I totally understand where you're coming from. Everyone else here does too. You've definitely got caregiver burnout. Now it's time for things to change.
You cannot be the one and only caregiver anymore. Now there has to be outside help brought in, or the person you're caring for needs to be placed in a care facility/nursing home.
Your sisters are getting the luxury of living away from it, but don't assume they aren't aware of what's going on. Many times in families one sibling is becomes the caregiver because it's convenient for everyone involved. Of course not for the person who gets designated. The siblings will often not inquire too much because they don't want to take any of it on themselves.
You are living in a high-risk situation for elder abuse. Your sisters need to be made aware of this and that you need help. Let them know this or you will be forced to drop the elder off at the ER and they then become a ward of the state. So, if your sisters are looking forward to any kind of inheritance at some point they can kiss it good-bye. If it comes to this for you, the state takes it all.

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How to cope with anger brewing inside me?

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