I’ll be honest, I’m tired of the smell of pee from an overnight diaper and I’m tired of cleaning up poop from accidents. This is taking a toll on me. I feel anger inside. How do I chill out, cope and just accept it? I know part of it is hormonal, because I fluctuate on my feelings. My sisters have no idea what I’m going through. They get the luxury of living away from all this and that also bothers me.
I would be angry and resentful as well; I think that you are having a normal reaction to your living situation.
I don't think YOU have to change; I think the situation has to change.
Well after my mom died 7 years ago my dad sold his house and purchased a 5th wheel, did a little traveling, but made my home town his base, I guess he chose me. In all actuality I am the one who’s most able to care for him. He recently moved in with us, his health is declining and he can no longer take care of himself.
Thank you for your support.
But IF this were a regular thing, there is no way I would lean on him to handle it. That would be grossly unfair to him.
Anyway, you do NOT have to just chill out and accept this. You can choose to but there is no "have to". If you choose to, try things like deep breathing (not when you're near the scene of the crime, of course).
Have you tried things like limiting liquids past a certain time of night, say 6 PM. Make sure no meds are diuretics that they get at night. Do they sleep through the night and it's all those hours of pee? Maybe not realistic but maybe a diaper change at some point in the middle-ish?
What kind of poop accidents? In the diaper? On the floor? Depending on the situation, could be different advice.
If accidents are happening during the day, maybe planned trips to the bathroom would help cut down on this?
I do not think this is hormonal. Sure, you might be able to handle this better at some moments than others, but I think that's normal. It's a difficult situation that most would find challenging. Give yourself credit for dealing with it AT ALL!
Please do your best to not be bothered by your sisters not knowing what's going on or being part of it. Those feelings, while very common and understandable, do nothing to help you. They are free to make their choice to not be involved and you need to find a way to honor that. Have they been invited to do more and declined?
If this is from dementia, I would seriously consider finding somewhere for her to live as it is unlikely to improve. Or get more help at home so you can have a break and maybe miss out on a diaper change or two while you do something for you to. help recharge your depleted batteries.
I surprise myself sometimes cause I always said I can’t do it when it comes to poop, but then I do it. I’m not happy about it but someone has to. That’s great your husband helped you out, I’m sure mine would too. God bless health care workers!!!
He’s on laculose (laxative) and sometime I have a hard time regulating it.
As far as help from my sisters, 1 isn’t able to travel to help and the other would help if I ask her to travel here if I wanted to go somewhere on a little “vacation”, but with covid right now that ain’t happening.
Thank you for your support.
The anger and resentment feelings are hard to deal with, and I don't have any good answer.
However, I can tell you a small trick that I use to avoid the pee/poop smell. I pray perfume generously in the air as I enter the bathroom. It's a cheap perfume that I got from dollar store but it is strong enough to overshadow the bad smell enough that my nose can't detect it. I also turn on the vent and keep the door open.
I also spray the toilet and the seat with rubbing alcohol to sanitize and deodorize. It works very well.
Caregiving takes a toll on all of us so please know you're not alone. We all have our moments. Even if some of it is hormonal, you still have to deal with it. Also, we feel the resentment of watching others whether it be siblings which I don't have as I'm the only child but, it can be extended family living the high life. We often feel like it's not fair and it isn't. Life in general is full of unfairness but, we still feel angst about it.
The best thing I can suggest is learning a physical way of channeling that anger so you can get it out (stuffing it, is never good) in a productive way. We each have what works for us. Sometimes it may be getting into your car and just scream, sometimes it's a good run, other times I've wanted to get a punching bag and give it and me a good workout. Or if talking is more your thing and you have a good friend that is willing to listen, share it with them.
I hope you can find something that will work for "you!"
Thank you for your support.
My mother took on the burden of taking her mother (with no care needs) into our home for 25 years, although she blamed it on my father who insisted it was her 'obligation' to do so after her husband died young. My mother's anger and resentment over the situation ruined HER life, my fathers life, my grandmother's life and my childhood. All for feelings of 'obligation' that weren't necessary. Everyone would have been 100% better off had my grandmother been sent to live in her own apartment or off to Skilled Nursing, which is what eventually happened after she was shipped off to another daughter's home and the daughter said NO WAY. Off to Skilled Nursing she went, and she did fine there. Problem solved.
Look into placement for your loved one before you get SO burned out that there is no recuperation from it. Why put yourself through such a thing? You can 'love' your loved one and STILL have him or her placed into a good care management residence and become a visitor instead of a caregiver. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Good luck!
Burnout is a real concern to caregivers. It may be time to look into options for additional support. Can you parent pay for help? Do you live with them or do they live with you?
Are they eligible for paid aid? Through Veterans Affairs, State or Provincial services? If in the US, can you get help through Medicaid?
Now to hormones, if you are perimenopausal or have gone through menopause (12 months after your last period), you may be helped by HRT. I know for me it has been a godsend. Please do not neglect your own health while providing care to another.