Mom is in her last hours now. Our relationship was always very bad. She refused help to get better and I pushed her to try. She became angry at me and all other family members. She asked me not to come to see her because of the virus situation. But everyone else has been there. Then I was in a pretty serious car accident that has prevented me from traveling. Now I cannot even say goodbye. I wanted to make peace with her before this happened and now I can’t. I’m feeling sad that I couldn’t comfort her during her last days. How do I cope. Everything happens for a reason I believe but why I was kept away from being there at the end is baffling me.
It's difficult to know the why's of things. Sometimes, things just happen. It sounds like you did reach out and isn't that what's important. For your own soul, you know the truth.
Family dynamics can be so complex, especially those involving mothers and daughters. I've striven for guidance on this my entire life and still I'm uncertain if there is an answer. Will there ever be a time where I am at peace with us or that she is at peace with anything. Funny thing is that there's nothing really the matter......lol.
Life is a mystery and people are odd birds at times. Lately, I've been working on dealing with my own emotions, desires and feelings and letting others do the same. What they bring into their lives, is what they have. I wish them peace and love and that is all that I may give them. Whether they accept it is their choice.
I like the idea of seeking counseling, support groups, friend support, etc. If your mother was on hospice, they have a social worker who might be helpful.
You cope partially by semantics. You stop using the word guilt until you have honestly been cruel to someone. If something you have done well meaningly you now understand was wrong you forgive yourself, and move on not doing it again. Guilt is for the sinners. The killers. The abusers. That isn't you, right?
You cope by asking everyone in town where the nearest grief group is. If you can't find one go to AA or Al Anon meeting, and asking where a grief group is, how to find one.
You cope by making life forward worth the lessons you are learning going forward. Two chances to make good FAMILY. Be born into it, or MAKE it of friends.
You cope by allowing yourself to feel all you feel, and by not kicking yourself to death.
I wish you luck. Hugs to you. I am so sorry. There aren't always answers to everything. Certainly not good answers..
Guilt makes grieving harder. There's no question about that. Good luck
BUT..
The truth is, that is very often NOT the case. I have been on the 'outs' with my mother for years and years. try as I might, she does not like me, and I know it. And she's turning 90 this week--and is having some serious health problems, so we will likely not have her here another year.
I have tried and tried to be the daughter she 'wanted' but I am not. And it's far too late to try anymore. I have accepted that she will die and be disappointed in me.
If you don't have a good relationship, her impending death will not suddenly change all that. Maybe some talk therapy and some self-forgiveness would help.
There is NOTHING for you to feel guilty about. She chose to cut you out of her life, she is the sad 'loser' in this. My mother doesn't care enough about me to even remember my phone number or my birthday. I went through cancer last year, still treating, although I am in remission. She didn't even call me once during the whole 8 months.
You can call your mom, or write her a letter. I've found that I can express myself pretty well in the written word, and though I have not done this with mother, I have with other people.
You have a right to feel what you feel--and I hope you are gentle on yourself. So many of us have really poor relationships with our mothers, and it hurts. Maybe knowing you are not alone is helpful.
((Hugs))
You tried to help and she turned it away, perhaps because she was ready to go. That happened with my MIL.
A random act occurred which has prevented your travelling, Again, not something that you caused.
Can you have a skype visit or other virtual "hug" with her or is she not responding?
Please take a deep breath, meditate and try to find some peace inside your soul.
((((((hugs)))))))