She is incorrigible. Plays games with me all day and night: "help me get into bed." then gets out of bed and comes back to my room to say, "help me get into bed" over and over again. "I'm thirsty." I offer her several different options of drinks, doesn't drink it. "I'm hungry." I cook her what she asks for, doesn't eat it. "I'm in pain." I offer here medication, refuses to take it. "This blanket is wet." Blanket is not wet and she shuffles around the house looking for a dry blanket.
She pretends to be unable do do even the simplest of tasks but I know she is capable. I assume she just wants attention. Constantly malingering.
She pees and poops on herself, I injured my back trying to wash the stool of her butt because she just becomes a dead weight when I try to get her out of bath.
No matter what I do to help her she complains incessantly. She has a UTI but refuses to take antibiotic. She suffers from anxiety and panic attacks, but refuses to take a klonopin.
She has paranoid delusions. I cannot have a conversation with her. She has severe symptoms of dementia and schizophrenia. Has a constant look of confusion and terror in her eyes.
I can't keep doing this.
My mother and I have always had a super tight bond, she has always confided in me, and has always been the closest person to my heart.
But I am in the prime of my life. I live in California with my wife and child-like wolfdog. I have a promising career as a carpenter, doing what I love. Moving here to a miserable, freezing cold town in West Virginia would cause me to loose it all, and for what? For this?
You cope by acknowledging all that you wrote. These are the realities of living and caring for your mom. You are the one that loves her most in the world, but even your love cannot make her better.
By coping, you must admit your own limitations. You are not a super hero, but you are super, by sacrificing so much all for her best interests.
But know that by handing her over to more skilled people doesn’t mean you love her less. It means you love her more, because you’re brave.
The feelings you’re feeling are illogical because you know this is the right thing to do. They’re unhelpful, because instead of rejoicing on your newfound freedom, you feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being able to do more, make her more stable, make her understand, make her cooperate.
But she can’t, and it’s beyond her. By acknowledging that she needs more than you can give, strive to gain an understanding that her condition is a mountain. Even Superman can’t move mountains.
Are you your mom's DPoA? If so, contact her doctor to request IV antibiotics or discuss strategies to get the antibiotics into her.
You are not morally responsible to uproot yourself to care for your Mom. If anything, you uproot her to be near you. If your mom has not assigned a PoA and now can't or won't, then you may need to consider pursuing guardianship. But this can be expensive and you shouldn't be the one paying for it, it should come out of your mom's funds, if she has enough ($10K-ish).
If the PoA thing isn't do-able I would contact social services for her county (where she resides), to get her on their radar as a vulnerable adult. Ask them about emergency guardianship for the current issues. For the future, they would be able to pursue guardianship if the conditions warranted. And then your mom would remain in her state with the county managing all her needs, including housing in a facility. You would no longer have visibility or control over any of her medical or financial affairs, but you would be able to carry on your relationship with her to whatever level you desire.
Keep coming back to this forum with more info about her situation and more questions when you have them.
Are you visiting her and staying with her right now? You have to figure out a way to get her antibiotic in her - (hidden and crushed in applesauce or pudding) to be able to see what her “true” needs will be going forward. You could reach out to the local Council on Aging and see what assistance she may qualify for and or get a social worker to help you to move forward. But if she does have a UTI it could be making her have these extreme needs and until it is treated you will not be able to assess her properly to find what will be best for her.
Even if you call an agency and can hire someone to help you over the next week and get her treated properly for the infection - it may help you in moving forward. If she has a dr that could even set up in home health while she is treated and they can help you over see it - where it seems right now she is resistant - even just a few days into treatment she may become more aware and agree to accepting additional help. Best wishes.
FYI - after UTI treatment I always get another sample 7/10 days after to make sure it is gone so that we don’t decline fast again and undo all the hard work to move ahead. 🙏🏼
Where is your wife? In California still? Being childless (the dog does not count), she could just basta. Most people would if abandoned for elderly parents.