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I am caregiver to my disabled mother and am having a big problem with the home care workers attitude and work ethic.


They don’t care, really I don’t think they are even really paying attention.


However, they think they are AMAZING caregivers.


I feel I am at their mercy because I need someone to be with mom because I can’t be there all the time.


They call out last minute. For example, my mom has a terrible abscess/infection on her gums and is in pain, can barely eat. Caregiver is supposed to take her to oral surgeon consult tomorrow. She just called out because she said her cousin died in a drunk driver car crash. Ok. Last Tuesday she called out because she was in a car accident. In the same message she said she has to take off Thursday as well because her mom has an eye doctor appointment. What?


Also, when she was here today she didn’t take the trash out or fill mom’s water etc. They just breeze in and out at their leisure.


I am trying to be calm and patient, but I feel like I am being taken for a ride with these people. The other caregiver who was told in the interview that driving to doctor appointments /errand was a big part of the job and assured me it would be no problem at all. Now complains constantly to my mom whenever she needs to go somewhere, but she doesn’t directly say no. She’ll say, ‘oh how far away is it, oh that’s so far, are you sure you really need to go there today? Maybe the other caregiver can take you, gas is so expensive’ and it goes on and on with these kind of complaints about the wheelchair hurts her arms/back etc etc.


This isn’t just a few bad apples either, I have noticed this for years now where I am really starting to believe these caregivers only want to sit on the sofa/text and watch TV all day.


They will say anything in the interview and it means absolutely nothing. Last week when I reminded her that she agreed that driving wouldn’t be an issue in the interview and that she said she liked going out and didn’t want to be cooped up in the house etc she looked so surprised I remembered that. Also, she gets mileage reimbursement and paid holidays/sick days as well as extra hours. I told her I try my best to compensate her for the work etc.


Doesn’t even day thank-you, ever.


I am trying to finish my degree and was really counting on these two for this semester. They committed several times in June, July and August that they would be here for the fall semester(aug 25-dec 14)


Now they are both quitting?! I have my own perspective is that neither of them actually need to work. Their husbands or parents are fully taking care of them so being a caregiver is like an extra cash for them and they treat it like a retail job at the mall. Have absolutely no idea how much their behavior/games puts our household in chaos. I am tired of this and I’m tired of people telling me to keep looking until I find the ‘one’. Like their is some magical unicorn caregiver out there who is going take the job seriously. For awhile I thought it was me and blamed myself that maybe I said something/did something that turned them off etc. but no they are really happy as long as you don’t ask them to actually do anything or bring attention to something that want done. For example, I came home one day last week and all mom had eaten was a yogurt. I asked her if the caregiver tried to give her lunch/meals and she said no, but the caregiver brought her own lunch from home and fed herself.


We used to use an agency and the first day one girl came I asked her why she wanted to be a caregiver, she said ‘because it’s easy’


There is so much more, I’m sorry this became a vent/rant. I’m sorry for the bad grammar too.


I am just so discouraged and sad that I have yet again start the hire/interview process when I have zero confidence that I can rely on anyone. How do you cope with not being able to rely on the people your paying to help you?!

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I have learned through my own research that my caregiver has been charging all sorts of things on my Dads credit card that she must of copied the numbers and everything she needed to begin charging things online and purchasing foods at various restaurants. My Dad thinks she is just great have not broken the news to Dad yet. He suffers from Dementia and has no idea this is happening. I will probably go through an agency this time for homecare as she was recommended through his primary Doctors office. They will be contacted next and advised what has happened. I am so sad and angry that people just take advantage of the elderly.
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I've had everything from toiletries to food stolen by caregivers. I lock valuables away. One even suggested we order a pizza on multiple occasions, the nerve! I guess they are looking at their pay as justification but not taking into consideration that we are paying at least DOUBLE what they earn to their agency. Not cheap! Others were on their phones 80% of the time saying little to nothing to my parent. Family thinking of getting cameras as one caregiver thought Alexa was a camera and proclaimed horrified after her third visit "Is that a camera!!??" Hmmm, made me wish it was...
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its the same all over the world. This gal we had use to tell the new trainees my moms so easy you don’t have to do very much here. That’s bs, I looked at her one day and said that will be you one day and I hope you get the same treatment!!
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We used 2 agencies, and the agency FIRSTLIGHT HOMECARE were wonderful.  Treeartist's description fits this agency also.
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Rilley Sep 2019
Thank you!!
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I just wanted to add one more, I checked the Christian girls references and they all said she did really good .
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We been thru so many caregivers independent and agencies. We had problems with both from drinking on the job to watching their personalities change during the job cuz they are taking some kind of drugs. We have cameras Thank God we have cameras!!!! Yes they all say they are great and know how to take care of Alzheimer’s . After they are in , the lazy starts . They ignore my mom . Eat our food . The last one was a Christian girl but she ended up being terrible. She seemed to be on drugs watching the camera . She took our ice cream and stuck her fingers in the gallon and was shoving it in her mouth. She kept telling my mom she better go SHIT in the toilet or she’s not coming back . Theres more but I’m just disgusted. My mom wants to stay at home she luvs our dogs! The dogs stay by her side when I’m not there cuz I travel for work . So now onto the next one that says they can do it all!!
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CaregiverL Sep 2019
You can trust the dogs to watch her better.
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disgustedtoo: Thank you!
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It’s dreadfully hard to find a reliable caregiver. I kept asking around and my aunts neighbor accepted the job. I’m fortunate to have her because she is a certified nurses assistant by profession. She’s great for me but my mom has her own opinion. She’s not perfect (often falls asleep and has to be reminded of things that I specifically hired her for) but she does not leave my mom in harms way. And she shows up faithfully. The only time she called out was when there was a major death in her family. With that said, you may need to return to an agency, because private caregivers may need to call out and then you’ll be stuck without a caregiver. With an agency at least you know that they will staff a caregiver for your mom. The main drawback is an agency is terribly expensive.
Another thing I learned is my family and I have spoiled my mother. I do not realistically expect a caregiver to provide the same level of comfort to my mom as we would a family member. For example my mother only wants me or certain family members to clean her dentures or cook meals for her. I am satisfied as long as moms basic needs are met and she is safe. If I provide the food the caregiver is expected to at least warm it up and feed my mom. So there are certain things you may need to adjust to make it easier for you and the caregivers. Certain expectations you may need to relinquish (like the caregiver taking her to appointments). Agencies even charge more for this kind of service. Just some food for thought. I pray that you find a caregiver(s) that will work for you and your mom.
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I am both - I have my own business offering elder care management, which includes direct service; as well, I help my older (86) friend by interviewing and (trying to) oversee and coordinate his care. It is not easy finding reliable, dependable care providers.

Often caregivers are not well educated. This is not a judgment, it is a fact.
Many do not speak English as a first language and there are communication challenges (understanding what they are expected to do, the elder not able to understand them due to hearing loss or strong accents).

Elders who are vulnerable and/or in stage(s) of dementia add to the challenges. My friend continually changes his mind about caregivers and will sign time sheets no matter what hours are listed (no matter what I say - )

You might want to consider looking at college students who major in nursing, social worker, geriatrics. They may need flexible schedules and are serious about their education which hopefully reflects dependability.

* I do like the idea of hiring older women. The extra money with ability to set their own hours is often appealing, and needed income.

* Making surprise visits or having a friend or other family member do that is a good idea to me.

* I would have a check off list - DAILY - and go over with the care provider initially and/or a few times to see what is getting done, how long things are taking, etc.
- by having a list makes it very clear (written vs verbal) what is required.

* Referrals are good but not always available.

* Do ask for references.

Have potential care providers:
* I had to get fingerprinted / criminal check (at my own expense) to work in an elder residential development although I am 'direct hire' with the residents.
* I had to provide proof of car insurance.
* Ask for references of prior clients. If they do not have any, find someone else (except perhaps students). You can still get character references.
* Do not leave any valuables around.
* I do not get any insurance / worker's comp. If I get insured on the job as an ind contractor, I am on my own. Caregivers hired through an agency may make less $ although they may (or may not) be covered in case of injury on the job. You would have to double check.
* * *
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This is one of the BIG reasons to consider a facility.  Keep in mind the free market ethos - everybody must do the best they can financially for themselves and caregiver jobs don't typically pay much.  Also basically free market/capitalism and moral concerns, compassion, etc. are very different philosophies of life.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
Neither OP nor mother can afford it (they pool resources to 'get by' now), plus OP WANTS mom to remain at home AND she doesn't need full-time care, just enough to complete her education. I believe OP mentioned the potential need in the future for placement, but it is one of the major reasons for the education, so she can afford to live on her own AND pay for mom's new digs.

As I posted to another, I was, at least in retrospect, glad that mom refused to let the aides in after a few months - we were only at 1 hour on weekdays through an agency at that point and planned to increase as she needed it, but she wouldn't let them in. Saved me the headache of finding competent help (one was industrious and was likely a keeper, the others I think were just taking up oxygen most of the time.) No way I could take on the care and she refused offers to go live with brothers (thankful for that too! it would have been a huge mistake!)
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Kudos to you for working on your degree. It is difficult and causes stress on both you and your mother I expect to have so many changes. I found that my mother's dementia grew with someone new because of the adjustments. Sometimes you have to orient your preferences and needs somewhat objectively I've found. Although somethings you assume are a given, like putting food away in the refrigerator or freezer in a container or wrapped in plastic, these have to be spelled out. Everything should be spelled out: appointments on the calendar, transportation, reimbursements, etc. I just experienced a confusing situation with a relative who took another opportunity. I have to see the bigger picture and told her to see if the other job is a better fit and get back to me.
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Try talking to their supervisors? Get a new caregiver? Interview before hiring them.
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
Private hire, so no supervisor, she's looking for new ones, since the others left and she DID interview them!
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How do I cope... sometimes it's one day at time, sometimes it's 1 hour at at time.
I just know, I will never give up which gives me strength to do what is right for my mom. I use this forum for idea's , help as well.
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You are not alone. I've been through the same, even my mom complained about them sitting on the couch and watching TV or on there stupid Iphones...
It is difficult to find one who has the "HEART" - - one you can trust as well. I would love to have my mom at her home, and have someone who I could trust and take care of her properly. It just seems to be all trial and error. Its frustrating and stressful. Sorry to be negative, but I'm a realist and I feel your pain..
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TouchMatters Sep 2019
It would be a good idea to:
* have a list of 'TO DO's' when a client (your family member) is sleeping and/or not needing immediate care.
* Go over this list with caregiver.
* Check in w/the careg regularly to see how things are going and what they are getting done.
* FYI:
- When I was working with a client for 6-8 hours a day, I had lots of free time due to client (in decline and) sleeping more. I would do what was needed and be available / 'on call' should she need assistance. These pockets or blocks of time with 'nothing to do' is is not unusual.
- I believe the difference s how responsible a caregv is and getting needs met when needed. There is a major difference between sitting and watching TV when a caregiver can be doing something needed / helpful vs doing what is needed and being available when client / your family member requires help.
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I went thru 43 caregivers before I got 3 angels. It was a grueling process but it was worth it. I was finally able to be at peace knowing mom was "not in harms way". I'm not an only child but I may as well be. Three siblings who do absolute minimum. Not even speaking to them now. I AM DONE, when Mom crosses over...I will cut all ties and move on with my life. Living for me as best as I can since I am not a young woman. But, I committed to Mom and I will fulfill that commitment. With that being said, I am not you. You are a young woman and you are entitled to a full life. Perhaps, you may want to discuss this with your mom. IT NOT JUST ABOUT HER.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
OMG. 43! It's like Murphy Brown's secretaries!
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Oh my goodness! Your experience sounds exactly like what my family and I experienced while trying to care for my mom, and are still experience with my disabled sister. It really is exactly as you say. You start out thinking you’ve finally found a reliable person(s) and within a couple of visits it’s all over. It makes you realize how little our society cares for one another - particularly the weaker members. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this - and I know that’s not helpful, trust me! Where are you located?
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gdaughter Sep 2019
What is going on out there! We're all so similar in our experiences. Originally I had said to people that it's almost like there is an underground text book on how to do the job to be sure you are not asked again! I wish I would have taken pictures of how the bed was made. It's amazing...
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Well sorry this is going on but I will say / keep looking - yes there are people who care and will do a good job/ maybe find one from an agency and also on your own !
i know we had one that took care of my father and she was an absolute angel!
good luck
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I've had trouble with both independent caregivers and agencies. The independents tend to be unreliable, and not willing to work when I need them. Agencies are a bit more reliable, but I'm finding the caregivers are rarely trained and constantly asking me questions on how to bathe mom. I don't know what the answer is, but I am thankful I can provide most of mom's care myself.
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For the last 7 years my Home Health Aids (HHA) or my Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA) have come thru one agency. When one of caregivers can't come in they tell the agency and the agency finds a replacement. Go thru a reliable agency. Explain your problem. Have them replace caregivers that don't do what is expected. Make sure whoever you bring on board knows what is expected. Since you sign the checks, you call the shots, not only to the caregiver but to the agency.
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Nobody takes care of a LO like a family that loves the LO.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
And there is the truth.
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Hi, Indigo,
What I am hearing from all the responses is: there is no cut and dried answer to this ongoing problem. It, in fact is, hit and miss. From my experience, it helps to have a reliable referring person. That, at least, is a good start. We have had agency help and private sector help. There are good and not so good in both areas. The agency is NOT helpful in subbing for sick workers or travelling workers. Just this morning, we had to do without help because someone called off and there was NO sub. I agree with those who have said to make it a priority to have subs in place. The private girls, we have, do have a network of other private homecare people, who can sub for them. I like that. Especially, in the winter, when weather is a factor, and calling off is common here. Ask around for private people, who work in groups. There are many of those around. Once you ask, it is amazing what you can find out. Go on social media and ask your friends to look around for you also. If I were younger, I would like to look in to a placement agency for homecare. They are so badly needed, especially since many more folks want to age in place. Good luck with your dilemma and May God bless all your efforts and guide you to some helpful answers. carine4ster
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Tell the employing agency what the problems are.  Have the problems written on a list and provide the agency with that list.  Put down dates of what YOU have discovered, or had to do, or reschedule, etc., and unless there is a change, you will seek another agency.  THAT will cause the change.  YOU are paying the agency for help that you are not getting, or it is irregular at best.  YOU are the employer of the agency.  Unhappy people result in the loss of agency money.  If you are happy, the agency is happy, and the caregiver is happy because they are getting...a PAYCHECK.  ALWAYS follow the money!!
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disgustedtoo Sep 2019
OP didn't hire through an agency.
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Sorry about your troubles! Did you try a mature male care giver? If all your past experiences were with a certain age group, try looking for slightly older ones. Maybe, ones with higher price tags may tender better services. You keep trying until it works out.
Best of Luck!
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I've had better luck privately hiring older care givers and using a payroll service to pay them. Women in their 50s and 60s who have raised (or mostly raised) their families and are now looking forward to or enjoying grandchildren. Women who don't really need the money but like making some extra money. Women who have some uncommitted time and like feeling they are helping someone. I ask ministers, a retired nurses association, school nurses, etc. to help me find women to ask if they would be interested in working 4-12 hours a week as a caregiver to my mobility challenged 87 year old mother. Women with this profile have a good work ethic and time management skills. They do not commit to working a shift when they already have other appointments. I am up front that I want 3 care givers I can call on so that if someone is sick or cannot cover a particular day because they have other commitments then I can call on the other ladies. I ask how many hours (min and max) a week do you want to work and what times would you like to work? One lady is very good but didn't want to work evening hours regularly. Once her husband found out I have all the sports channels available on my streaming services and he was welcome to accompany his wife on her shifts, he decided it would be okay for her to stay with Mom during the kid's Friday night and Saturday afternoon football games.

It does take some time to make a schedule a week ahead and call each lady to confirm shifts. It doesn't take much time to go online payroll site and enter their hours each week so they get paid. I have a liability insurance policy just in case they get injured in my home. It's worth it to me over using an agency because (a) they are MUCH more dependable, (b) better level of care, (c) someone Mom knows is showing up to provide care, and (d) less stress for me over the problems experienced with an agency. Women who have raised a family don't complain about assisting Mom when a wet incontinence panty needs changing; they understood what they were getting into when they saw the list of duties. Often when one lady needs to change a shift, she talks with the others and just tells me about a shift swap.
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anonymous272157 Sep 2019
Thanks - some really good ideas.  Hopefully I won't need them for me or husband, but you never know.
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I don't seem to have a solution to the problem. However, I couldn't agree with you more. We live in a large city (Phoenix) and I have the same problem. Paying $25 - $36 an hour (hve used both private individuals and agencies) and getting very little for it. I feel they are getting paid well and I treat them really well. I could go on and on with much detail, but won't as it isn't solving the problem. I'm frustrated and venting.
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happierdays Sep 2019
The agency probably gets most of the money...and the caregivers very little.
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My problem has been with male caregivers for my husband, who quickly do their duties (only the least of what needs to be done) and then are sitting on the couch using their cell phones for half the time they are here. I now have a female caregiver who is the nurturing type with a great personality. I’m waiting for something to go wrong because she is too good to be true. Keep looking there is an angel out there for your mother. Good Luck and may God be with you.
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If you’re going with a private, & not agency, there’s no need to pay them for sick/ vacation days. Try to get someone who’s recommended by someone you know & trust. First see how they work & then make decision on who to hire. Usually, a woman in 40s who needs the job is mature enough. You have to supervise & stay on top of them always. Perhaps put in cameras so you can check on mom from your phone. There’s more bad ones than good. But reliable & honest are most important qualities. You can also see who has days off at local nursing home who want to work private. Good luck ...hugs 🤗
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There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

We have two shifts of reliable, private caregivers for my FIL. We got the second shift based on recommendations from the first shift. Good caregivers have their own networks. When they go on vacation or need time off, they come to us with a backup to cover their shifts.
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Good morning Indigo,

I think I have read through all the replies, but in case I missed it, in what kind of area do you live? Is it rural, urban? What part of the country? This does seem like horrible bad luck with caregivers. I know that you said that you had tried using an agency, but had issues with them too. As one poster suggested, please try another.

We used Home Instead for over 15 years, but other people I know have used other agencies with good results also.
The people hired by the agency were already vetted and trained. They had to check in by phone when they got to the residence and check out when they left. There was constant oversight from the agency and we were always contacted if the regular caregiver was being replaced for the day. There were a few snafus over the years, but that would happen in any business.

In all those years, I remember only a few instances in which we weren’t satisfied with the caregivers sent out. We had a typed list of things we expected the caregiver to do and it was rare when those tasks weren’t fulfilled. This involved taking my parents to doctor appointments if we couldn’t do it, light housekeeping, bathing, preparing meals, and just visiting with them.

The majority of the caregivers were sweet, hard-working people who were eager to please. Several of them stayed with us for years and have even visited my parents in the nursing home where they live now. We also had four hours a week given free through some governmental agency for the Aged. These caregivers were not as trained and consistent as the ones from the agency, but were still pretty good.

The only extra thing we did for them was to give a nice, fat Christmas bonus because we were truly grateful for what they did. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to advertise, vet, train caregivers. and try to placate them so they would stay. Give yourself a break by going with an agency. Yes, it will be more expensive, and you may have to cut down on the hours to be able to afford them, but the quality of caregivers will be much better, and your stress level will be greatly diminished. You will not be paying for sick/vacation leave, so you might even come out ahead. If one agency doesn’t work out, try another. If possible, take that burden off your back.
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gdaughter Sep 2019
I would have given Home Instead a try...but sadly they have minimums of 6 hours a week (maybe a franchise thing?) that was way more than we wanted/needed. Where do they think the money comes from??
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I see a lot of people recommending agencies. That, in theory, is a good idea. But not all agencies are able to provide a substitute caregiver when another one calls off. That has been our experience. I've been dealing with caregiver issues for 10 years now and it has progressively gotten worse. I don't think it's anything you are doing that is causing this, it's just the way it is now. Some people are only in it for a paycheck and not because they actually care about their job/client. I think the things you are doing are very thoughtful, and would be an incentive and show your appreciation. We got extremely lucky with our current, main caregiver. She truly loves my Mom and takes wonderful care of her. She definitely has a few things we wish she would or wouldn't do, but overall she truly cares about my Mom's well being. (She is from an agency.) This kind of dedication cannot be trained or forced. Either they have it or they don't.

I hope you find a great caregiver soon.
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Judysai422 Sep 2019
Ability to provide a sub should be the first question to ask the agency. If they can't or won't guarantee in writing, move on.
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