Follow
Share

My mother is 94 y.o., mobility problems, living in Assisted Living facility. She has never been sociable and isolates more than ever since she cannot walk. She sees few people other than the caregivers and dumps all of her emotions on me when I visit, almost daily. I do her chores and she emotes. I feel like I'm losing my life in her problems and it is affecting my own mental health.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

31 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Jinx - I love your advice about how to respond if they say something mean!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Perhaps not technically correct, but I believe depression is contagious.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I know we made great progess once we realized the type of depression it was.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Wellington - It's sad, but you can't make her happy.

Try medication - a low dose pain pill - even tylenol or advil. Due to her age, check with the doctor to choose the one with the least dangerous side effects. Consider asking the doctor for antidepressants for her, without mentioning the type of drug to her.

Can you convince her to go on errands with you? Can you "need her opinion?" Getting out of the house, if possible, lifts some people. Even sitting on the porch for 5 minutes.

When she is negative, agree with her whenever you can. Her life is "no good" to her any more. Personally, I react badly when being told that my problems aren't actually so bad. It's not that difficult to believe that the world is going down the tubes, so allow her gloomy pronouncements.

When she says something mean, repeat it back to her. "Mother, did you just say that I can't do anything right? You were always so kind to me! I can hardly believe that it's you saying that." At least for that moment, she might look at herself. If she denies saying it, then say, "Oh. I'm glad. I must have misunderstood you."

Love her, and tell her you love her. That won't cure her depression, but it will feel good to both of you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I hear all of the great advice and yet I am stuck. My late husband's mother lives with me, which I wanted because I just couldn't take care of her three states away. However, the longer she is here (92 with dementia, as other mothers mentioned above, never had any girlfriends) she is becoming more and more negative and outrightly mean. I get her her favorite meals, drinks, desserts and do whatever she wishes (which is essentially to watch the news). I surround her by her favorite things yet she complains and complains and complains. Oh my goodness, I just realized that I am now the one complaining! Music, humor, and touch do help....tremendously. I guess it is important to keep one's perspective and remember, always, the hell that is going on in their minds which they can't seem to control and be grateful that we are in control of our own.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Oh boy Kabeena...I was reading your post and it touched on some of the issues I am dealing with as well. First, it is very difficult to stay outside of their depression and not let it drag you down with it. It is one thing to recognize that the parent is ill and not responsible for much of their behavior and it is another to deal with it effectively so you do not get ill as well. I like Kellyb's suggestion about Joseph Campbell's book and I will look it up for me. I know I try all the suggestions I read here to cope with their illness and hope you all here will try whatever you find too. There is no miracle answer and it can be a day by day struggle for some. Get out of the house as often as you can. Make a weekly outing for yourself and even a daily ritual that gives you pleasure---and don't feel guilty. Recently my mom began experiencing her sister's passing all over again even though she has been gone for over a year. It was depressing for me to have to continually tell her that her sister had already passed. Now she has moved past that memory and now I deal daily with her MANY illnesses or discomforts. Every day I wake up to one of her bodily problems that she has been experiencing for YEARS yet she will talk to me as if they just happened to her. She has been to the doctor to address all of them and I will have to hear them over and over again. "Do I have a doctor's appt" she will ask about her current issue. I will tell her we were just there. Just once I would like to wake up and have there be NO problems to deal with. Anyway...I will walk and breathe and do what I can---again.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My ordeal is a bit different. I have lived with my mom for the last 4 years. Looked after her, took her to many, many doctor appts. and I do have empathy for you because they really put all their problems on our shoulders, and don'tseem to remember we also have a life, and problems of our own. Depression does rub off, and seems contagious. mom's health has been the worst the last year, and the last few months I have been severly depressed. I have a book that has helped a lot called mind & body solution by joseph Campbell. You should maybe try to find it online & order it.It will help you to see things in a different light. I wish you all the best, and try to remember that this time in your life shall also pass. It can, and will get better in time. Good wishes for your mother as well. They can't help how sick they are, and how much it affects our life. prayers to you my friend.:) Kelly
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
My mother's needy, codependence, self made depression literally almost sucked the life out of my emotional well being. I had become so despondent, I started having old thoughts of suicide again. Then I found this website and it opened my eyes to the reality of her toxic behavior. Now I only see her once a month and when we talk on the phone, I tuneout her poor pity me attitude. At first I felt guilty, but now I don't care anymore. My mother has made herself the pathetic person she has become and I refuse to be drawn into her unimportant personal drama ever again. This site has help free me and given back my life to me.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Yes! Better living through chemistry! My mom was hell on wheels for a few years. I almost lost my mind, and I gained weight and got high blood pressure. A few months ago her doctor added one more dementia med to all that she was already taking. Now she is much more pleasant, and far less demanding and contrary and uncooperative. She sleeps till noon or later now, which gives me more time to get things done (and do some things that I want to do) without the constant interruptions because I am not sitting right next to her and focused 100% on her. She wakes up in a better mood when she does get up, too, and she doesn't have severe mood swings and spend hours being depressed and weepy because "her mother is dying" (her mother died 30 years ago) or some other reason. Now, my blood pressure is down to "high normal", and I'm starting to lose some weight, and I don't feel that constant severe stress all the time. I had thought we had run the gamut of medications for her, and felt hopeless about anything medical making any difference, but this med, or this combination of meds really has made a world of difference. If you (she) have tried some, don't give up. There may be one more or a different combination that could really help her, and, as a result, help you too.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Medication!!! Don't tell her it's an antidepressant. Call it a painkiller or a vitamin or something. I have seen what a difference it can make. If it works, you may find that you have a mother who is pleasant to spend time with!!! Antidepressant, antipsychotic or pain medication. Being old causes real physical pains that can make a person cranky, and being helpless in a new place can cause psychic pain. DRUGS!

Hope it works!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Helping a parent deal with depression is a labor of love and requires much self sacrifice. However sometimes depressed people do not want the help to change, they just want to suffer. If you find that you are "the ONE" doing all the heavy lifting in your efforts to help your mother, you are likely to become sick yourself soon. A good gerontologist modify your mothers' mood, but no one came make her socialize. My advise is for you to cut down the the frequency of your visits and look for new ways to engage your mom with you. Music, comedy and touch are my most favorite ways to bring people out of themselves and personally engage. Share old pictures, watch old movies, get mom out doors. But most importantly understand that you must take care of your own health by setting personal limits about your own time. Some facilities offer support groups for caregivers. Keep the faith.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Meds, for her or you or both whichever works best. My friend's father refused all medication for depression and anxiety. She took a mild medication while caring for him and once he passed no long required it. It made the unbearable bearable enabling her to do what she felt she needed to do.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Maybe instead of doing chores when you come you can encourage doing something more fun like painting craft items or take her for a walk, shopping, restaurant, movie, church, etc. It does wonders just to get out even if your mom may say she doesn't want to. Just do it. Making good memories and times are more important at this time for you both. When you are there helping in other ways, try putting on teaching tapes from different ministers. Joyce Meyer is a favorite of mine. You can look her up online. Also having Christian music on is uplifting and encouraging as well as Christian programing on TV. Try TBN network. If you are going there every day, it is too much. Everyone needs a Sabbath. If there are caregivers there for her, let them do more if you can as money and arrangements exist. Make sure you communicate to your mom your feelings on her complaining. When my lady complains, I tell her about the children of God that were in the wilderness for 40 years instead of 11 days as it could have been, because of their complaining where they should have crossed over to the promised land. Miracles happen with good attitudes and faith! It's not easy loosing abilities for sure but our attitudes can change with a little help. Litterally going outside and getting that breath of fresh air will help your mom and some changes can bring that breath of fresh air spiritually. Prayers of God's best for the both of you!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Then take a much-needed break Maria. No one says you have to be with her 24/7 since she has caregivers who can manage her. Your mental health is just as important as hers and if you are being negatively affected, you need to step back and take care of YOU! No one will take care of you except you.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
YOU HAVE STRESS!!! Why do you feel you have to visit her daily?

The staff at the assisted living facility noticed I looked like hell, and told me flat out that the stress of dealing with my mother daily was showing. They told me to let go and let them do their job. I was much happier after that.
I would never classify my mom as a happy person. She never seemed to be happy with anyone or anything unless it was a friend she could use or manipulate.

Try to work some kind of regular exercise into your day even if it's just putting on some sneakers and walking around the neighborhood. Water aerobics, Zumba an exercise bike anything. It's been proven exercise is better than pills for improving mood.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Mary- I agree- being able to hear better would help reduce the isolation and also reduce the strain on you of having to shout and then her thinking you're yelling at her. I think regular hearing aids would be too difficult for one with dementia to use - too many things to learn and manage and remember, as well as problems with the manual dexterity and visual acuity needed for making adjustments and replacing batteries. There is a new kind of hearing aid that gets rid of all those difficulties. I wrote a lot about it on another thread on this website. If you are interested, look up "lyric hearing aids", and click on the post that begins the discussion on hearing aids and dementia. They did not work out for my mom - they didn't make them small enough for her ears at that time, and now her dementia is so advanced I don't think she would benefit from them now, but they might be right for your mom.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
It could have been me writing that! I spent years as Mom's codependent. What has helped me are my wonderful therapist, these boards, and meditation --- google "UCSD meditation" and you can download some mindfulness meditations - some as short as 3 minutes. All of us who have tried it say it helps us step back from the situation - not get swallowed by reacting to the guilt (or whatever the emotion is). Your mother has had many years of life, it is not wrong for you to have some life yourself. I remind myself that often. Also, my therapist (and hers) say to remember she has her own destiny and nobody can make somebody else happy. It is part of the disease - take care of yourself. Also, check with a geriatric psychiatrist to see if meds might help - we are going next week.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I totally agree with most of these responses. I believe you need to detach with love.
You MUST set boundaries: limit the time you spend with her. Do NOT go daily, and do NOT stay with her for a long time. The minute the conversation turns negative, it's time to leave. Tell her this in a kind way, and try to explain about accepting what we cannot change, and changing what we can. Remind her of her many blessings, and how much worse things could be.
Of course, she's not going to "get it" the first, second, third, etc. time you explain it, and will test you, but if you stick to the plan, she may eventually come around.
Can the AL place do her chores, or do you do them to save money?
By visiting her so often, and allowing her to dump on you, you may be (unintentionally) impeding her socialization at the facility.
Good luck, hugs, and blessings to you!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Just a thought -- Can you take someone with you when you visit? That person could take mom in her chair for a "walk" while you do the chores.

But even if that can be managed, there seems to be a deeper issue here. Do you feel obligated to listen to her? Why is that? Sounds as if she has a life-long habit of being unsociable and complaining and you fell into step and have the habit of putting up with it. If you could see things differently, the problem might be eliminated. Let her be however she is and work on freeing yourself mentally. Maybe meds would help her and meanwhile please consider counseling for yourself. God bless.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I recommend chocolate. Half for you, half for Mom.

Good sugar-free is easy, low fat not so easy to find but it's available on the internet (search on Gayle's Miracles.) Coconut, apple juice, cranberry juice all that other stuff that's supposed to be good brain food is great too, but if you want to boost serotonin levels there's nothing at the drug store with fewer side effects than chocolate.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I sympathize. That type of behavior out of our Mother is what effected my sister's health so much. My other sister and I, live 1500 miles away. Mother has turned her negativity on to a paid companion, now. That poor woman has been forced to visit less and less. I know what you are going through. I bet that you just hate to visit her. Take a vacation and then, lay down some boundaries. You have received some good advice, here.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Your mom sounds a lot like mine. My mother has never been very social and she never wants to participate in activities (although it's difficult now because she is declining rapidly). This is what I always say to myself "I'm responsible for keeping her safe. I cannot take responsibility for keeping her happy". Some people are just prone to depression and the "poor me" syndrome. You cannot change that. When you visit, stay positive and keep the conversation light. When things turn negative, try to refocus the conversation. If that doesn't work, then it's time to leave. I can tell you that this occurred during every one of my visits up until the last month. My mom has had three near-fatal incidents which have changed her behavior somewhat. Also, Hospice has prescribe Adivan, which seems to help with her agitation and depression. God Bless!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Nothing is going to work. She is in a self-induced prison. Just make sure you don't find yourself behind those same bars. Go to therapy. Learn some ways to survive her crushing depression.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I feel like Im reading my own thoughts about what Im going thru ... Love my Mom but she's driving me U know where ... Im thinking of investing in that nutra-bullet to get nutrients into her brain ... but I wish she wouldn't refuse 'sound enhancers' (I dont call them hearing aids, sounds too ancient & she doesn't need reminding of her 88 yrs on this planet) ... being able to converse without raising my voice (& getting that look of 'dont yell @me!') would be a big help in her not feeling so isolated which reinforces the depression .. & the constant thoughts of "there's nothing to get up for" .. Its also good to see that other Moms dont want the 'invasion' of strangers, which puts me in a huge bind .. she locked out her last asst., who was very nice & I told Mom she was 'my friend' & to be nice... it didn't work. Gaaawwd!!
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
1onlychild, You have hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what I did after living with the same situation for 17 years. Beware the holier than thou people on here. They will be first in line to call you selfish when you don't drop everything because your elder isn't happy, even when you are overburdened with responsibilities already.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I too have a mom who suffers from severe depression for similar reasons. Her entire life she never had friends by choice and would rarely converse with people outside of the family. She is now 85 with a husband who has advanced Alzheimer's. To this day, she refuses to acknowledge that she suffers from depression and anxiety and believes that I need to be her own personal psychiatrist. She continually puts the pressure on me, calling me constantly if I am not with her and ranting and raving about her caregivers, pains, dying etc. I finally had enough after 7 years and decided since she was refusing help I would seek it for myself. After one therapy session, I have already become stronger in how I need to deal with her. I no longer allow her abusive behavior nor do I feel the need to be her therapist since she has actively refused professional help. You have to take care of you and put yourself first. Let go of the guilt and understand you have done what you can. As with my mother, she put herself in the position of being alone by choosing a life without friends and isolation. You can't change years of her own personal choices.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I have a disabled sister in a group home and limit visits to once a week. If I go there more often, she refuses to participate in activities in the home. You have to shift her focus or continue to be manipulated.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
This is not an easy question, perhaps, for you to answer, but does your Mom have any faith? The book of Psalms in the Bible is replete with inspiring words. I recommend reading Psalms to her.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Try watching Joel Osteen. He tells a joke at the beginning of every session, which my Mom used to repeat to everyone she met... It caused laughter. He also motivated us to live full and happy lives. I hope this helps...

Do anything and everything you can to stay happy. Smile. Take a shower. Walk... Smile... Think happy thoughts when ever you find that you are not... push away the sad thoughts and try to think of something nice. The longer your brain is focused on happy, the more it will be exercise and the happy muscle will be strengthened.

Tony Robins says to write 12 things you are thankful for each morning. I do it at night before I go to sleep and I sleep much better, which helps me to feel better the next day.

Put on some music and dance... or wear headphones when you walk around the block and while walking, sway to the music. People will think you are really enjoying yourself and you might be... smiling.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I, too, try to get my mother involved in doing things. Most of the time when I ask her to go or to do something, she says, "no, I don't want to". When people come over (seldom), she tells them how bored she is stuck in the house all day. Makes it look like I never try to get her involved in doing something. Also, when the occasion comes that she does have an outing, she fidgets and wants to go home AND she forgets even doing it a short time after. So that fuels her "I never get to do anything" mindset. It gets very hard to try to think of things to do for her. I try to get her interested in SOMETHING but she doesn't want to do anything. It does wear on me as I feel guilty when I have to even go to work or do the very little social activities that I do engage in. I try to involve other family members to stop by and visit with her but, alas, they are always too busy.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter