How to deal with resentment because siblings are relying on you to do all the caregiving?

One more thing, I just noticed your bio says you are helping mom live independently in her own house. This is incorrect.

Your mother isn’t living independently in her own house. It’s clear she is entirely dependent on you to stay in her house.

She is living dependently in her own house. The word choice is important.

You are choosing this (especially continuing to do this) and they are choosing not to. I’m not sure resentment is “fair” when they didn’t make the same choice you did. Maybe that’s what’s missing … you are not recognizing that this is a choice and that not everybody chooses it.

You are the only person who can change how you relate to a situation or feeling.

If it were me, I would consider:
1) reaching out in writing, phone call, and/or in person outlining the degree of the needs and specify what you are doing, need to do and the help / support / assistance you NOW need.

1a) Be very specific in the support you need/want from them and the form it takes (money, time, taking on certain responsibilities) - and 'nail it down' to when it will start - and how. Don't accept: "Okay, I'll help you" -

1b) Listen to them - as hard as this may be - once you outline (as above) what you want/need. Expressing (more?) frustration and anger may continue to push them away.

2) They / siblings may not be 'totally aware' of the need as you've been taking this on yourself for so long.

I see some confusion here as you say "I am now resenting my brother and sister for not even trying to get involved for the past 20 years ... they figured if I didn't ask for help, then I must not have needed it."

Why would they try if you told them years ago that you are / will handle everything (as you continue to say you will continue to do now) ?

It this actually true? Did they say this to you?
If you didn't ask for 20 years, tell them you are asking NOW.
Part of the issue here as I see it is that you aren't taking responsibility for how you've set this up - taking it upon yourself to do EVERYTHING for your mom.
And now 'all of a sudden ... after 20 years, you are resentful (tired, exhausted, and 'finally' wondering "where are they?") - while making the excuse "mom trusts me ... so I do it.' No, you are doing it because you want to and haven't asked or set boundaries of what you will / will not do for 20 years.

3) Realize that what is 'not okay' to you (re being self-absorbed) is okay for others - as seems evident here. You cannot change others - you can enlighten them, ask for support, and then deal with the outcome. What doesn't feel okay to you is what is driving your feelings now - and who is suffering? YOU.

4) How do you let it go? Processing through feelings with the awareness and acceptance of 'this is how it is' - after accepting how it is, then figure out how you will continue on (with or without their support / assistance). Get caregivers in, place mom as needed.

Part of letting it go is feeling / recognizing "I feel angry and disappointed" - it may - these feelings may not go away any time soon or they may stay / stick with you for a very long time. You need to accept 'what is' and figure out how to cope.

You need to start with "I feel bad I am thinking this way" - if you fully allow yourself to FEEL MISERABLE, FEEL DISAPPOINTED, FRUSTRATED - all of your feelings, then you will start to process through them - and face reality. As another said here - your siblings made their decisions and you made yours.

As far as I see it, you make your best 'argument' asking for help (outlined at the beginning here) - write it all down ... I need from you XXX Mom needs from you xxx. I cannot do xxx or continue to do xxx by myself. I need your support as follows xxx.

While there may not be any resolution as you would like (them stepping up and helping mom / you), you can get your energy out by exercise, meditation, taking care of yourself - even getting into counseling if you feel that is needed (I feel it would help you to process your feelings).

I wonder who has legal authority to manage mom's needs / financial / house (if she owns one). Is this you? Are your siblings involved, legally / have authority.

Gena / Touch Matters

You can certainty ASK your siblings for help. You can try asking for specific time, tasks or funds.

Be ready to HEAR their answer. They may say No.
They may disagree.

Disagree with your Mom.
Disagree with you.
Disagree with 'The Plan'.

Mom wants to 'age in place'. OK.

Has Mom made changes?
From the smaller issues eg heavy groceries delivered? To the larger eg downsized to a suitable low-maintenance home/yard/no yard?

Or does Mom expect her life to 'sail' on the same? That her 'kid/kids' will all do the 'rowing'?

Do all the chores, yard work etc. Be chauffeur, maid, personal shopper. Either with their own 2 hands or act as a geriatric care manager running a fleet of home help services.

I have seen this many times.
I have also personally been on both sides of this now.

I had to learn other people have no obligation to make MY choices work out, for me. Works both ways.

Resentment can mean you are giving too much. It is anger which is also a kind of energy.

If you can, try to redirect this energy into CHANGING the situation.

You state ….“ Caring for my mom for past 20 years . She lives alone in her home . Her desire. “
You agreed to help Mom.
Now Mom’s health is more challenging.

Mom is now more work .
Mom only trusts you.
Mom only wants you to care for her.

Mom’s increasing needs is the problem.

You could ask for help but after 20 years Mom only wants you anyway.

Mom’s needs will continue to increase and she will expect you to keep propping up her “ desire “ .
Resentment for others builds when the work is becoming too much for one . These others do not have to agree to help with Mom’s desire to stay in her home.

Your Mom is the one “ relying on you to do all the caregiving “ , not your siblings .

Mom needs to make compromises , although I doubt she would allow or pay for hired caregivers to give you a break.

Now you find yourself painted into a corner .

What is your exit plan??

DaughterSD: My brother stated "I will not do the out-of-state caregiving." That left me to soldier on solo. Ugh! Very difficult to leave my life behind and move in with my mother to provide care.

Bottom line for you is that you cannot make your siblings step up to the caregiving role. It's going to fall on deaf ears. Your mom will have to opt for residence in a managed care facility. You simply can't soldier on after two DECADES.

Don't expect others to read your mind and know what you need w/o asking for it! Have an honest conversation with your siblings AND with mom. You can't bear this load for her alone any longer. Either the siblings take on some of the load or mom pays for in home caregivers or goes into managed care. It's not about what she wants anymore after TWO DECADES, it's about what she and you NEED.

Hi, First of all, thank yourself and honor yourself for all the hard work you've put in, by yourself, to assist your Mom as she ages. I am going on 7 years and do not know if I can continue, on my own, for the next 1-3yrs? No one knows how a loved one is going to deteriorate or when they will die. My brother only helped out when I gave him a list of bills and told him to pick a few he could pay for automatically every month. Living an hour away with his work hours and my mother's waking hours, I knew he would never come to give me respite. His way to help me was through giving money. I was able to get a bathroom repaired and small redo. I learned to accept his way of giving and when. Don't let anyone make you feel like a fool, or endlessly trapped or feel guilty in any way for taking care of your Mom. You do it because you care about her and you stepped up to the plate to help. Maybe you were the only one who could do so more easily or its in your personality. Congratulate yourself for doing the best you can. However, do look into other options for care down the road, if not now, as she deteriorates whether you need to move her to an assisted facility or bring in help (paid care). See what her insurance covers. Ask your siblings for specific help that you need. Provide a list. Let them decide. It could be just monetarily or a couple of days off to sit with your Mom. Whatever they feel comfortable with. I feel more relatives/friends/ siblings should call or check in with a solo caregiver to see what they need, give support or offer some kind of help. But unfortunately, that rarely happens in this world. Some people say, well, they don't know what you need. That may be true, but that's also, in my opinion, kind of an out. It falls into the lap of the one needing assistance, to call and find people to help. The other perspective is, a good, caring friend neighbor, sibling, relative could call/text you and JUST ASK you if there is anything, in particular, they could do for you today or during the week. Could be just an errand for you. I rarely get calls from friends to see how I'm doing with caregiving or just to lend an ear. Friends of my mother ask me how she is doing when they have her number and could call her. One time I told an old friend of hers after the 5th time she asked me how she was doing...I said "Why don't you give her a call; she'd love to hear a voice. Here is her number, again." After that, I never saw that woman and she never called my mother. Haha!
Take your time, stay wise and patient and maybe seek an elder care attorney for advice. Also, get advice and help from a social worker which could be referenced from your mother's primary doctor. If you feel resentment, that's okay. I felt it for a long time, when I did not get any help or even phone calls to my mother from family whom she took care of for eons. But you will get past the resentment or it will eat you up. Resentment comes from expectations. Focus on what you can/ will do for Mom (not what you think you should) and how YOU ARE going to retrieve some of your life back. It's OKAY to feel any way you want; just don't let the negative stick or it will hold you back. Move on, pat yourself on the back and find other ways to get yourself some relief. You cannot change self-absorbed, self-centered people.

Let your siblings know the challenges you face daily.They may or may not care like you do.My husband and I just went through this same scenario with his siblings. instead of being thankful they were mad at us when we hired an aid to help with the care.They both had mobility and dementia problems.I never bothered the family unless I really needed help and they always had an excuse for not helping. Mom and Pop passed and now they are there getting the house ready to sell.Now I wont help them and my husband feels alot of pain from a family lost. They continue to be angry with us for hiring help....but beleive me when I say we were desperate. I wish I would have communicated to them all that we were doing but we were exhausted from work and caregiving and did not take the time. I hope this doesnt happen to you....they should commend you for the undertaking.

Unhelpful siblings should be shown the door without hesitation.
They deserve nothing but scorn. Get them out of your life!

I can tell from your post that you are a caring, loving daughter with your mom’s best interest at heart. My story is the same as yours. My dad passed in 2001 and I stepped in to assist my mom as needed. As she grew older and in the last 3 years of her life, she was declining more and more. She resisted hiring any help because she just wanted me so I started the process slowly. I hired caretakers for about 2-3 hours in the morning. Her needs increased and I hired additional help for 2-3 hours in evening. Mom had 15 hospitalizations over a 15 month period, 35 Dr appts in 1 year, 45 dr visits the next year. I begged my siblings for help due to my exhaustion and was repeatedly told no as they were living their lives. Then, I hired a live in as mom could no longer live alone. I continued to visit either daily or every other day to give the live-in a break for about 4 hours. (In the meantime, my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer and had half his lung removed so I needed to care for him). I also had hospice care for mom for 2 years and a hospice aide came daily from Monday to Friday 2 hours a day which also helped give the live-in a break. I had a geriatric Dr or his nurse practitioner visit at least monthly (if not more if she was sick), a hospice nurse visited a minimum of once a week, plus a chaplain came weekly. Mom received excellent care. I used her monies to pay for the live in that i hired through an agency(I paid over $200k with mom’s money over a 3 year period between part-time hourly and live-in aides). The hospice nurse and aide was covered by Medicare as well as her geriatric Dr and nurse practitioner.

My siblings did not speak to me, did not offer help in spite of my repeated requests and accused me of stealing my mom’s money. I wanted to make sure that I was handling her affairs properly and was concerned about the Medicaid look back period. Mom kept cashing in her bonds and was giving my siblings several thousand dollars each. I was worried if she ran out of money, how could she pay for her much needed care. Nursing homes are not free which my siblings did not seem to understand! In my area, they cost around $13,000 a month. I promised I would not put her in a nursing home so the live-in home health aide was the only option not to mention it was several thousand dollars a month cheaper

I went to an elder care attorney when I witnessed mom going downhill. The best thing I did was keep meticulous documents, prepared spreadsheets of all expenses for all medical costs, home maintenance, food, clothing, invoices as that is documented proof of all monies spent. The attorney told me that mom could not longer gift monies to my siblings because once she only had $2000 left, then Medicaid would do a 5 year look back period and there was a “penalty”. I told mom she needed the money for her care and if there was any monies remaining, that was the time my siblings could get whatever was left.

So, that started a war…how dare I tell my mom how to spend her money. I was cursed out, threatened, abandoned, disparaged, labeled etc. So, it is now two years after mom’s death and I am now dealing with legal issues. Mom’s house was in a trust and so far, the trust (which will be split 5 ways has incurred $19,000 in attorney fees so far). After the trust settles, then more legal issues with settling the estate. I am confident it will all work out because of my extensive documentation.
This whole ordeal is so painful, stressful, and incomprehensible to me. Someday, this will all be over and I will get to the other side.

Do take the time to take care of yourself, HIRE help as needed for your self preservation and to assist in mom’s needs, if you have requests help and they do not respond, accept that and do what you need to do!

Thank you for your kind response CaringWifeAZ. I feel the desire to take care of my Mom because I know what she went through to raise us, especially since my Dad passed away when I was a young age. I enjoy my time with my mother, but it is so hard to see her hearing deminish, and how I need to explain things slowly. I really wish I can share this with my siblings, but they seem to be too busy. Makes me sad’ but know my sadness is has turned into resentment. Hate to say this, but I almost wish I were an only child so I do not have to get disappointed in the lack of their involvement. They really have not been of any help, yet they rely on me to help my Mom. Honestly, I am going to cherish the time with my Mom, and just feel sad that my siblings simply don’t have the same closeness to my Mom. It’s a shame. But I am working on it not being a shame I have to live with

Here's the thing about resentment. There's almost always some truth in why a person feels resentful.

Your mother does not live alone in her home. She has a full staff of domestic servants round-the-clock all wrapped up in one person. YOU.

She only wants and trusts you helping her and won't have anyone else. With all respect to you and your mother that's about the most selfish thing one person can do to another. When a parent behaves this way and refuses to be flexible and open-minded about their care, even if they love their child very much, they have no respect for them or their lives.

They don't care what that adult child has to give up or sacrifice so long as their needs, wants, and demands are are met by that person exactly how they want them met.

I think this may be where your feelings of resentment originate. Your siblings need to step up and do more. So talk to them. My friend, I did homecare for 25 years and saw every family dynamic play out. I was the family scapegoat since I was a little kid and pretty much had to be the parent to my mentally ill, histrionic, hypochondriac mother then in turn became her care slave for a while in later years. My siblings did and do ZERO. So, I get it.

You have to come right out and tell your siblings you need help. No one is going to offer to help with caregiving for an elderly person (even with pay) because no one really wants to do it. People have lives, jobs, families... So don't expect them to offer. You have to tell them plainly.

Next, your mother will have to get over herself and her refusal to have anyone but you doing for her nonsense. Bring in outside hired help to take over some of her caregiving needs if your family won't help.

You've unintentionally created a dynamic where your mother has been turned into a senior-brat who is permitted to demand that only you will provide for her needs. That has to stop today.
She will learn to adapt to hired or family caregivers with some of her needs if the alternative is she does without or goes into a care facility.

You'd be amazed at how fast a needy and demanding elder gets compliant with hired caregiver help when their family stops catering to them and the threat of placement becomes real.

Your siblings are the smart ones. Your mom needs to be in AL, and you need to get your life back. You have already lost 20 years that you will never get back.

Face reality. People make choices.

Even if you were an only child as you wish, nothing would be any different. Caregiving usually falls upon one person, even if they have a dozen siblings.

Be honest, how many people do you know where everyone does their equal share of anything? By the way, that’s impossible to do, even if they want to. People work all different hours, someone gets sick, they travel with their job, etc.

Life will never be perfect. You either make the best of a tough situation or you change the situation.

I agree, Burnt.

In many cases there are valid reasons why some people feel resentment.

The trick is not to allow resentment to destroy our own lives, to the point where it becomes counterproductive.

We can’t fix anyone else’s behavior or problems. In all honesty, if we have tried to help someone and they refuse help, then it’s not in our best interest to keep trying. It’s not our job to solve all of their issues.

It’s their responsibility to make changes in their lives, just like it’s our responsibility to make changes for ourselves to make life better for ourselves.

I do feel that it’s healthy to honor our feelings, but not dwell on it for too long. Then, move forward and focus on our own progression.

That’s what you did by starting your own business, instead of continuing to be your mom’s caregiver.

Unfortunately, I learned many lessons the hard way, especially with my oldest brother, who struggled with addiction. The more I helped him, the less incentive he had to do anything for himself. I went through a period of feeling resentment.

It is sad that some of us were temporarily blinded by our emotions due to our sincere desire to help others. We fall, we get hurt, we get back up. That’s life.

Finally, I realized that it was everyone’s best interests to step aside and allow them to figure it out or not.

Sadly, some people never figure things out.

I truly celebrate when I see anyone who is able to turn their circumstances around and live their lives to the fullest. Congrats on starting your own business!

We shouldn’t ever lose sight of hope for a better tomorrow. So many caregivers feel trapped. Usually, there is a way out for them.

As much as we would love it, people don’t read minds.

If you didn’t ask for help, then you didn’t tell people you needed help.

My Chiropractor told me " The caregiving usually Falls on One Person . " I wish I was an Only child .

1.
I think it was John Bradshaw who suggested:

Guilt is when expectations of oneself conflict with our behavior. To stop the guilt, we can change our expectations or our behavior. * I'm not suggesting this is easy.

Resentment is when our expectations of another conflicts with their behavior. To change our resentment, we must change our expectations. * I'm not suggesting this is easy.

2.
Years ago I learned to think of "forgiving" as "for giving" up to the Universe, God, Cosmic Consciousness, or the higher power called by some other name.

3.
In the end, we live with ourselves - our actions. Resentment doesn't affect anyone in a positive way. For our own well-being it is better to find healthy alternatives. Perhaps that involves an open honest discussion with our family. Perhaps it involves meditation, long walks, conscious breathing, a support group, etc.

This is very hard, and I totally get that resentment sometimes. Except instead of caring for a mother, my mother and I are taking care of my sister. At first I didn’t feel resentful towards my other siblings. They work faraway from home and my Other sister would visit on the weekends due to the distance. But now, I find myself thinking why am I the YOUNGER sibling / sister taking all the responsibilities, I’m a medical student and also take care of my sibling full time, I’m able to leave the house because my mom is there to compensate. And even when leaving I find myself worrying about my sick sister. And as much my mom is helping, I also find myself feeling burned out and tired. There was a time where my older sister told me I should work in a nearby hospital so I can be close to my sick sister. And I found my self thinking .. why? .. why do I have to think of that rather than choose the actual hospital I want to work in, when you didn’t. ?. And I take care of my sister because I love her, and I’m so grateful that she has that kind of care, and I would work nearby to stay close, but I felt like that’s something I should be saying not her. I find myself resenting and then I feel so much bad for it.