How to deal with the multiple times a day "urgent" phone calls from parent in AL?

Make your Dad a poster board of the hours your phone will be ON FOR HIM. (That is to say you yourself are doing nothing with your phone but ignoring calls at other hours that are from him). So you will have "TIMES I CAN REACH STRUGGLIN" at the top of the poster board. Then something such as:
6 a.m. ---------8 a.m.
12 noon ------ 1 p.m.
4 p.m.--------- 5 p.m.
8 p.m.---------10 p.m.
At the bottom of the poster you will put "At all other times I should contact my support system here at the ALF."

Then you start the training. At other hours you will ignore calls. So make yourself do that.
Eventually he will be trained or he is beyond being ABLE to be trained and you must train YOURSELF to ignore calls.
At 81 I come of an era in which we were not attached to our phones.
Trust me. It was GOOD TIMES.

Best of luck, Strugglin. I am seeing you out on the Forum. You are one of the few OPs who stick around to help others. That's so appreciated!

PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS OVER AND OVER UNTIL IT SINKS IN!

If you have vetted the care setting your father is in, the care staff there s prepared to address the EMERGENCY needs of their residents.

LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS.

Are you aware that this is not a “him” problem, but a ”you” problem? ( thank you AnnReid!)

Please take it from someone who has only just recently been freed from this cycle - ONLY by way of removing the phone (due to unfortunate circumstances).

Your father is NOT going to stop. Nothing that you say is going to matter. Because his world has shrunk down to his needs and his needs only. And it's possible that he isn't even concerned with what time of day it is or who he may be inconveniencing with his calls. EVERYTHING is an emergency to him. (yes...even not being able to find the remote, or his phone charger.)

The ONLY way you are going to change this is to change YOUR behavior. Set a mental "Do Not Disturb" or even an actual one if you have to - during your work hours - on his phone number. Or just let him go to voice mail. Remind yourself he is somewhere safe and if there is an emergency you will be notified.

My FIL called ME at work over 20 times in less than 2 hours. He can't hear unless you scream - so I would have to leave my desk if I answered the call. Early on, I felt guilty and would stop every time thinking surely he wouldn't call while I was working unless it was important.

Here are the things he considered URGENT CRITICAL IMPORTANT EMERGENCIES!
Tiktok was no longer showing on his home page on his phone.
His remote was not working for his TV.
He needed his Verizon password so that he could call and ask them to send a tech out to fix his phone (READ: ADD TIKTOK BACK!!! There was nothing wrong with his phone and he had moved Tiktok to another page)
His phone wasn't ringing (it was - he had turned the ringer down and FYI - I had set his phone to RING, Flash front and back camera flash, and vibrate when the phone rang - so he STILL got notifications when someone called)

Do you see a single emergency in that list? Even something urgent? They were important to him because he was bored. But on the scale of 1-10...it didn't even rate for me.

I had to start ignoring him when called while I was at work. I encouraged DH and SIL to let him go to voice mail every once in a while. It took them literal months to finally start and that was because he was calling screaming at them to call the nurse's station to come to his room because he didn't want to push his call button. He had an actual way (attached to his bed) to contact the nurse's station - which is directly outside of his room - and he refused to do it and called one of his kids to do it instead. That is what finally resonated with them and they stopped answering all the time. And when they did answer and he did that, they told him no.

HE isn't going to change. Let me say that again. HE isn't going to change. Only you can change your behavior and control the situation. As long as you do what you have always done, the situation will stay the same (and may get worse!)

You have to decide how much you are willing to take before YOU decide to make changes in your own behavior.

"You have staff, Mom. Use them.". (That's what we told our mom.) Explaining will get you no where with dementia.

We turned our phones off at work. Tha facility will call in a real emergency.

If you have vetted the care setting your father is in, the care staff there s prepared to address the EMERGENCY needs of their residents.

LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS.

Are you aware that this is not a “him” problem, but a ”you” problem?

If he is exhibiting cognitive decline, he is simultaneously forefitting by default his “rights” to expect you to snap to attention every time you see his number pop into your phone screen. You CANNOT “negotiate” with someone who is losing his ability to reason.

That doesn’t mean that you are a calloused child, mean person, disinterested bystander. It means that you have responsibilities in your life that you need to meet in addition to meeting your responsibilities to provide capable care for a dependent parent (which you’ve already done).

It means that he has a new life and you have a life to live too.

In a similar situation we answered phone calls ONLY during a specified window of time (ours was 6-8 pm, every evening). LO needed a long (6 month) period of adjustment, but ultimately loved her “hotel” and stopped calling.

She was always allowed to leave a message when she called our numbers, and I still keep one in my phone, and occasionally listen to it. Bittersweet, but still evocative of dear memories.

Your dad us still manipulating you and you are still not setting boundaries with him. Set the boundaries now and stick to them. Either dad will train you or you will train him.

Do not give dad your work number. That number should only be for staff to call as they won’t unless it’s an actual emergency. The last thing you need is to get fired over this.

Tell dad that you will be calling him every day when you’re not at work, and give him that time as precisely as possible. Keep other calls to a minimum by just saying, “Well dad, I will call you at 7 am ( or whenever your time is) and we will talk then.”

Tell Dad you can’t answer the phone at work , tell him to leave you a message.
And tell Dad that any true emergencies he will have to tell the staff because they are there to take care of it more quickly than you can .
This may not work initially . The important part is you have to not answer the phone .

We had the same issue with my mother . I stopped answering all the calls and she eventually started relying on the staff more when she wanted something and she called me less.

already gave him it. but in practicality for me it doesnt matter . I see his calls coming through on my cell phone, and I guess if I dont answer they will come through on my work phone now, and he expects i will answer those. . I could well answer every call on my personal phone too. . the question is whether I should allow this? or should I tell him that true emergencies need to be told to the AL staff, and then only they know who to truly reach me in emergency situation?

appreciate other input from anyone. Sometimes the supposed "urgent" scenarios are things like " oh no, I wont have 2 showers in a week and will only get one shower unless you can intervene"......

Don’t give him your work cell phone number ! His phone habits probably will not change just because he says it will . You will have to let his calls go to voicemail , and listen to them when you can during a lunch break or after work . You can call back after work . If there is a true emergency the facility will call you. Give the facility staff your work number for emergencies.
After Dad settles down in AL , possibly the calls will become less , but no guarantees because he has dementia .