My stepdad is 92 and my mom is 88. Both have declining health and mobility and still live in their paid for home. My mom had a stroke and is in danger of having more. Mom knows that they both need help, but they refuse to sell their home and downsize, perhaps into assisted living. They are past retirement community living, as both of them are having some major incontinence problems and are both having an increasingly difficult time ambulating. I suspect that my dad could be suffering from many mini strokes, as he has bouts of falling and when this happens his speech is not good and he has trouble understanding people. He is also pretty deaf, which doesn't help! He is always putting his hearing aids in wrong and breaking them. He is still a licensed driver, unfortunately, so my mom argues with him all the time about taking the car out. Last week, he did this and later that night he fell in the house. I am scared to death that he is going to kill someone with that car. A couple of years ago he was pulling out of their street with his car and pulled out in front of a very large SUV. Thank GOD no one was hurt, although his car was totalled and he ended up in the opposite two lanes FACING TRAFFIC! His license was taken away, but he went to his congressman and GOT IT BACK! He is not stupid by any means, but he does have periods of less than lucid thinking, and again, falling. My mother does not drive anymore, but she is willing to wait for one of us to bring them out and to appointments. My sister and I share responsibilities for them, shopping, some cooking, running for food, gas for their car, cleaning, etc. I have tried to talk to them about having some home care come in, but my stepdad says he doesn't want "strangers" in his house. My sister and I are at our wit's end with both of them. I think we are both experiencing "burnout". My question is, how do you get help for an obviously struggling couple that refuses it? What rights to caregivers have, if any?
I showed my parents a brochure of a fantastic senior facility, and Mom said maybe in a couple of years. EARTH TO MOM, you are 96. Dad would have packed in a NY minute. Mom refused strangers in the house.
Usually what most of us caregivers had to do was to wait for a medical emergency. Then, and only then, a parent can go from 911, to the hospital, to rehab, to Assisted Living or a Nursing Home.
My Mom [now 97] went from their home to Long-Term-Care. Dad decided he was tired of the big house, so he asked to see senior living... whew. He didn't want to wind up like my Mom did.
As for his driving, get a letter from his doctor stating that he should not be driving and go to the DMV with it. Until the DMV takes his license away I would either disable the car or hide it somewhere, before he kills someone. I really believe that everyone who is driving after age 90 should be tested yearly, both written and driving.
Keep posting it will help...take care!
You have plenty of rights. They don't live with you, and I'm assuming they still are mentally competent. So that means you can't force them to do anything. If your stepfather expects his stepdaughters to be the cleaners, shoppers and drivers, the only way out for you and your sister is to simply refuse.
From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Mom, who is 88 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, diabetes, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and urinary tract infection."
Who takes care of the diabetes -- blood sugar checks, insulin injections, etc.? And what about the incontinence problems they both have? How many times a week are you or your sister over there? How many hours a week do you spend doing things for them?
Have you thought about having a discussion with all of your siblings and seeing if all of you can come up with a plan? Perhaps they listen to one sibling more than the others, and that sibling can take the lead. I hope the other three sibs don't think it's just fine that you and your sister are doing the brunt of the caregiving.
Things are only going to get worse, and the sooner you make a plan, the better.
What are your parents' finances? Could they afford living in a facility? Could they be Medicaid-eligible?
One idea is to add helpers to our help. You will get used to them - everyone seems too.
Another idea may be to move into assisted living (asap) - before things get worse.
It would be better to make plans, don't you think? So you have some control?
You see, no plan = disaster response.
It means Sister & I wait for a fall, get hospital social worker involved, transfer.one of you to nearest available nursing home bed - the other won't cope alone so will most probably be sent too - somewhere different. Is that what you want?
I was told this chat needs to happen about 6 times before it sinks in & have lost count where I am at.
I trust your folks appreciate your concern & have some common sense left for the necessary decision making. (((Hugs)))
PS the mini-strokes may be wiping out judgement & planning (first cognitive skills to go). Look for the info on Anosognosia.
I'd also want to write to that Congressman and congratulate him warmly on his commitment to road safety. Meddling twit.
But do you and sister actually have time for all this work? Can you work out a manageable schedule between the two of you?
Then there is the domestic routine, and their individual personal care needs, to think about. What sort of support, organised around what sort of schedule, do you think they need?
Reluctance to have strangers in one's home is not unusual or surprising, and overcoming it relies on the quality of the service available. Have you had a look at or been in touch with any possible providers to see what they're like?
Of course, you are exhausted. Caregiving is exhausting, mentally and emotionally.
Is it possible for your parents to go into a facility?