Invisible Asked February 2019
How to handle a micromanaging sibling?
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My father was recently hospitalized for a UTI. My brother is bothering the people who are trying to care for my father in the hospital and the staff in the memory care facility where Dad has lived for the past several months. They have made me aware that he is asking for extensive information, disrupting their ability to care for the other residents/patients. He hasn't visited my father in months, but somehow feels he needs to jump in now and be demanding. I am concerned about negative backlash. People like my father; they do not like my brother. I have the decision making authority for my father. My brother does not like me. He will criticize but not help. What can I do? Should I do anything?
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Does decision making authority mean you have POA? If so, tell him that if he does not settle down then you will have the facility ban him for disruption. I would tell the administrator you give them the authority to ban him. This is not fair to Dad, staff or other residents. You say he hates you so you are not losing anything. Don't do this unless someone is close by.
The thing is, you kind of can't have it both ways. You can't be down on him for not showing any interest in your father in months, AND at the same time blame him for demanding information now - almost certainly because he's only too aware he's neglected his father and is trying to make up for it, a bit like realising you've let your plants dry out and then overwatering them (which any gardener will tell you is the worst thing you can do).
But, so, what do you want him to do? Suddenly turn into Mr Nice and just ask sensible respectful questions at a time that's convenient to everyone else? Wouldn't that be plain out of character?
As for the staff - you are not responsible for your brother's manners, and frankly this is their problem. Either your brother is entitled to information, in which case they should share it properly; or he isn't, in which case they shouldn't be telling him anything except the rules of patient confidentiality. Don't apologise for him, not ever! Sympathise, sure - say "oh dear, did he? Tut tut" - but do not apologise and do not undertake to do anything about it. Not Your Problem.
To me, it seems like your father's care is more important than trying to make belligerent sibling less belligerent, if that were even possible.
Just what you need right now, right?
I hope you find a solution.
At the hospital and facility? If so, have his name removed immediately.
Speak to the HEAD nurse at the hospital and the Executive Director at the facility. Briefly explain.
Write your brother a letter/email telling him to please stop (so that perhaps he might listen, since it sounds like he doesn't respect you or your authority). No blaming or shaming, just telling him it's disrupting his care and everyone is finding it unnecessary. Remind him that YOU were chosen by your dad...etc etc.
All the best!
Be graceful