How to step back?

Hi Thedaughter, this is not easy but it can be done.

I think the best way to explain it is to tell you a bit of my situation and how I handle it.

Mom lives alone, shouldn't be, but it is beyond my power. I help out, a little, but with no power I can not, any longer put my all into this.

In the mornings, when I call mom, and she doesn't answer, I would go into a complete panic state, imaging her with broken bones , lieing on the floor. Not a fun place to be!

So now when I call, and she doesn't answer, my heart skips a few beats, I breathe, and tell myself, you did not cause this. This is not what you wanted. You did not make her old, you didn't even ask to be born!! So why is this my fault?

My mom enjoyed her retirement, why don't I get too? I should be able to, with I worry, without the continuous worry in back of my head. I deserve this, and so does my husband.

Who knows what is down the road in , mine and my husbands future, health wise. I am no longer going to ruin my "Today's" because of my family. I'm going to live in going to love and I'm going to be happy.

The stress of caregiving causes mental and physical health issues. I'm not going to allow, my family, to cause me health issues.

You, compartmentalizing "that crap" as best as you can, in the way you know you can. Everything works differently for different people. You can try mindfulness, meditation. Read up on FOG, fear obligation and guilt.

A person of faith or not read the "serenity prayer"

Life will get better!

I agree with Anxiety Nancy, and that is to go on with life.
I had a similar experience with my aunt. She has dementia and she cannot live on her own. I live out of state. My family lives closer to aunt. They expected me to give up my work and life to take care of aunt.
My aunt has a beautiful home that she moved to when she retired. BEAUTIFUL landscapes. I would never be able to afford that if I give up on myself to be her caregiver. Why should I?
Everyone made me feel like I was responsible for her and I had to fix it. I got her home care help and she got rid of them. I just stopped. Stopped showing up to help. I used to call, she never answered or had anyone call me back. I just stopped.
Aunt is still living alone, but was forced to get home care.
There is nothing you can do. He has home care. You have to go on with your life.
When I retire, I want a nice retirement like my aunt had, but won't be able to if I stop my life to be her caregiver.

Hi,
Your situation is similar to mine. Long story short, I became my father's caregiver after my mom passed away many years ago. I did not have a happy childhood due to the verbal abuse from my father towards my mom and I. This continued on to adulthood. He is also very demanding. It started out with me just doing the house cleaning but as the years went on, his needs became greater because of a stroke he had many years before. Then I was not only cleaning but washing, taking to doctor's appointments, mailing bills, cooking or getting food for him and etc. He started falling and ended up in the swing bed twice. After a long and hard process, he is now in a care facility. He can longer walk or tend to personal needs and etc. Before going to the facility, we tried getting help in the home but it was not enough because of his condition. Even with him no longer at home, I'm still busy taking care of his bills and etc.
I know how you feel. I told the social worker at the hospital when he was in swingbed that I was unable to care for him 24/7. I told him the same thing and I know he resents me for it but I had to finally think about myself. As others have said, caregiving takes a toll on you especially when the parent is difficult. I'm in counseling now for this. You have to take your life back, Do not wait too long like I did. What are his doctors saying at the hospital? If they are saying he can not live alone, tell them that you are not able to be his 24/7 caregiver. Please let us know how things turn out.

Stop discussing his impending move with him, at all. It only riles him up and serves no purpose. Ask his doctor for a medication to calm his agitation and anxiety. It will be a gift to you both. If he still comes home from his new setting, before he leaves let the administration there know he has no in home care and ask for their help in what he’s eligible to receive. In the home, let him fail, it’s the only way for him to see his need for help other than you. Don’t listen to any verbal berating or demands. You need to be firm in your mind to stepping back. Doesn’t mean you don’t care, practicing self care is equally important to his needs if not more. I wish you peace

I am sorry, it sounds like your father's biggest priority is still himself. My mom was this way as well, she expected everyone to make her the center of their worlds.

Like the others mentioned, mom had a great retirement. She moved away from kids and grandkids to enjoy her "golden" years. She moved back near her kids when dad died.

Be strong and make your life your priority.

He will go where he must for safety.
This is no longer about choice.
Not your choice and not his choice.
That is number one and the family needs to stick to that. If you like, you can tell him to work hard for his recovery so he can return home. That will transition him a bit more slowly as this is a shock.

You yourself need to work on your thinking that you are responsible for his happiness.
He isn't a happy many and likely never was and that has ZERO to do with you and you can do nothing about it.
This is not a time for happiness but a time in loss. He will suffer and be unhappy for that loss and should be allowed to express it, but those who stand WITNESS have their own needs. And he should not be allowed a phone with which to badger those trying to handle a life after visiting.

You are going to need to make boundaries for yourself and protect them.
Again, this is not about choice. This is about loss. He has a right to mourn that, but he has no right to burden his family which is ALSO mourning his losses.
You know what must be done.
I am so very sorry. I know this is tough stuff, but you are going to need to be MUCH more self-protective if you are to survive this.
Do not throw your own body on the burning funeral pyre of your father.
No country on earth demands that anymore.

You answered your own question. If things escalate YOU go home because that's when the visit (or phone call) ends. I was a caregiver to stubborn, selfish, entitled senior brats for 25 years. When I fell on some hard times I was forced into caregiving for the most stubborn, selfish, and entitled senior brat of them all. My mother.

I'm going to tell you the phrase I've told them all and it usually puts the brakes on the stubbornness and demanding behavior.

'Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn'.

So, you tell your father this. You and everyone else needs to let him know that life in the AL is the good life and nursing home life is not. Let him know plainly that if he leaves the AL, he's on his own. That whatever the paid caregivers can't and don't provide, he will be doing without. Then when something even worse happens to him, assisted living won't be an option. It will be a nursing home and that will be a fact regardless of how violent a tantrum he throws.

Let me tell you something personal. It's the parents like ours who were abusive, narcissistic, selfish, gaslighting, bullies when they were young that expect their adult kids to make them the top priority of their life when they're old and needy.

He's not coming home from the AL. He lives there now and the sooner you truly accept this reality he will. When his verbal abuse, manipulation, and tantrums don't work on you anymore and he doesn't get what he demands he will acclimate to life in AL.

This cannot and will not happen if you pick up the phone ten times a day and give attention to his verbal abuse, threats, and demands to go home. It will not happen if when you visit, you allow tantrums, verbal abuse, and demands. If he acts up, that's when you get up and leave. You don't take phone calls every minute from him. You control when there will be phone calls and the tone of the conversation. If the demands start up, that's when the call ends.

I know what I'm talking about. If you were lucky enough to get him into AL, have a talk with the administrator and tell them they may have to involve the state because he cannot go home. You have to stay strong and not let yourself be manipulated by your father. It's tough to do because we've been conditioned all our lives by them. It's not impossible though.

Stay strong and don't give into his demands. You're doing right by him even if he doesn't think so. Remember that.

When he moves in to the facility, don’t take his calls and don’t visit for a few weeks. He will need to get adjusted.

His temper tantrums are not your problem. He is old and unhappy. You didn’t cause that and you can’t fix that.

It won’t matter if he is having temper tantrums if you aren’t there to hear or know about them.

Also remember, a lot of them perform and act up for their relatives and they are fine at the facility when no one to perform for is there. Manipulative.

I'm going through the same issue right now. For the last ten years, I've been caring for my wife who one doctor recently describes as having severe dementia but now I am about at the end. It is a difficult decision but I expect to put her into a facility when it becomes available in a month or two. I feel some guilt about it, but I'm looking forward to a more relaxed and less stressful life.

Are you or a sibling POA?
Has the doctor determined that he can not live in his house with the aides that are helping?
Has the doctor said that he is not competent to make this decision?

If you are POA and taking all this responsibility on you can step back and he can appoint another POA (If he is competent to do so)
If you are not POA tell him that you are not going to continue to do all that you have been doing. If yo make his doctor aware of ALL that you have been doing and that you are not going to continue then it is very likely that the doctor will say that he can not return to his house.

After a year and a half my mother has broken me emotionally and mentally. Told my sisters I no longer want to do this. We will be looking into what set you mom can get in her home at least a couple times a week.

My heart aches for you. I am also in the same exact situation with my father (91yo) and I could have written exactly what you have here. Sadly and unfortunately my experience is not encouraging. I am trying to get my dad out of my house (where he's been for the last 5 years) and into a facility. You can't count on the doctors to help. I've been outwardly telling dad's doctors (PCP & cardiologist) that he needs to be in a facility (I am POA). It falls upon deaf ears. They will ask dad if he should begin thinking about moving and, of course, dad says, "Oh I'm doing pretty good on my own for now." No, he's not and the doctor's take his word for it (not mine).

Dad has had a serious fall while I was out of the house (took him 1.5 hours to get back on his feet and then didn't tell me about it), ended up with a black eye the next day and told me that he didn't know how he got a black eye. I only found out because he told my siblings about it six months later. They've listened to dad telling them how well he's doing but I think they are beginning to realize what's really going on now. His medical notes say that he has "vascular dementia". This limits facilities that will consider accepting him.

My dad also is very demanding and negative. I've always been a happy person, but he has drained all of the joy out of life. I don't even think I am able to smile anymore. My sister has recently stepped up to help (I suppose better late than never). We are on our third facility hoping they can/will accept him.

My experience so far and recommendation is to begin the process with a facility to accept him. The admission director(s) have been more helpful than anyone with direction and advice. There is a lot of paperwork and gathering of medical records, etc. but I've only had to do it once because when one rejects us, they are happy to pass it all onto the next facility director. Please do this. Contact an 'admissions' person anywhere now. They will make you feel less inadequate & hopeless and encourage your efforts.

My dad's vascular dementia is the reason for rejection at the first two facilities. I am now attempting a memory care facility. He is considered "high functioning" (for now but will gradually decline in the future), but I think dad will freak out when/if he realizes it is a memory care facility. I don't care, but I'm also prepared to feel guilty about it.

I wish us both Good Luck.
I am daughter #1. I want to find my way back to 'happy'.

There are so many "types" of people...and as many ways to deal with this.
Myself, I have hardened my heart, become semi-selfish, and give a measured amount of time to others.
God, not me, "Calls the Shots"... I lean on that mantra and continue to lead MY life.
I'm seventy years old, shooting for eighty. I will not willingly spend that time suffering.
I won't apologize for this stance...many of us feel this way but society frowns upon speaking of it.
This life has been a series of challenges, that I've handled with compromise, NOT total submission.
Daughter 3, try some very sincere Prayer. For guidance... I'll do the same... Billy

First of all you have to mentally disassociate yourself from him. Keep it like a business transaction. IT WILL BE DIFFICULT but it is necessary. Do not engage in his behavior. Do not provide any means for him to be able to go home.

I fully advise you to see a therapist (even if on Zoom) to help you navagate this process. Without the support you need the likelyhood of you possibly "helping" him to get home and make your like more difficult. You deserve a break.

Can you go on a vacation or block any calls you receive? Are you the POA? If so instruct the facilty that he is not to contact you. Only medical staff, SW, and administration will be able to correspond with you.

It is difficult but doable. You just need the support sytem to help you through it. I can't stress enough that you will need to distance yourself physically from him. Do not visit, no calls from him directly. Do not engage in the tantrums.

Good luck.

I know exactly how you feel

You just don't say 'fine, but you're on your own'. The facility said they can handle this so let them. The fact is he can't go back home without you, or another family member, resuming the tasks you handled. So when/if facility calls, you tell them the same and they can repeatedly tell him he can't go back home without 24/7 caregiving.

TheDaughter3: This is your father's responsibility.

"Dad, your health requires you to live where the experts can help you the best."

Personally, I would stop having the conversations with your dad about where he's going to live.
There's no point in you explaining because he isn't willing to see the truth of his situation. He's not capable of being reasonable.

Make the arrangements and tell social worker, or whoever, that you are no longer in a position to prop up your dad to enable him to live at home.

If he insists on going home, don't say "fine, but you're on your own...", as that sounds emotional and almost puts you in the wrong. At least, it could sound that way.

Simply say, "I am no longer able to work for you, as I need to take care of myself.”

That's the bottom line - you are doing almost a full time job in taking care of your dad, at the expense of your own wellbeing. That has to stop right now.

Step back. It's the right thing to do and what's best for all involved.

I would imagine a rehab stay will come after his hospitalization. You have every right to refuse caregiving.

Tell him, "You are not safe to live alone according to the doctor and I can not handle your health needs. You need to live someplace where people can provide you the care I can not. This place is nice and can help you in ways I can not."

Daughter3, if you have actually got him into AL, what you need to do is back away big time. If you visit (no more than once a week) walk out when he starts being difficult. If he throws a tantrum, walk out, or don’t go – just leave it to the staff. Do nothing to facilitate him going home, it all has to be organised by him. Don’t leave shopping and food at his place – he arrives to nothing, including a stripped bed. Don’t answer his phone calls if he has left, and don’t visit. Tell him in advance that it’s what is going to happen, and DO IT.

You do understand that “SAYING I don’t want to this and actually doing it are two different things”. Remind yourself that the object of this ‘cruelty’ is so that he won’t leave at all, or will turn around and go back when he finds that he is on his own. Plus the cruelty is to save your own physical and mental health.

I’d suggest that you work out your clear brief statement about what is going to happen, write it down and memorise it. When you start to waver, repeat your own statement – as many times as you need. He may well call the police etc if he finds himself on his own at home – so be ready to repeat your statement to them as well.

“ Dad , It is no longer possible to provide the level of care you need at home . You will be living at ( Cranky Fellows ) retirement home . “

Don’t worry , Cranky Fellows ‘ can handle’ it.

Hi there, I really feel for you, I have been there. Your father sounds exactly like my father was. The only difference is my father point blank refused carers. I arranged live in care twice, prepared everything, did the paperwork, got their room ready and at the 11th hour he called them and told them not to come. He was demanding, rude, threw temper tantrums and never said thank you for anything. Like you I felt resentful as he was never a loving father, was incredibly selfish and hadn't looked after his own parents. It nearly brought me to a total breakdown, at which point, with my doctor's agreement, I wrote him a letter, explaining the struggle. I told him I would no longer continue to rush around after him daily, that he was not safe at home alone anymore and that if he didn't agree to live-in carers I would not visit him or answer his calls. This was extremely hard to do. After 10 days of not contact I was more stressed than ever. I called him and discovered he had just fallen and broken ribs. Ultimately, at this point matters escalated, as they often do. However, it took an outside party (a friend) to persuade him that a care facility was the safest option. He would not listen to his daughters. This rambling response probably doesn't help you but I feel your struggle, and the only advice I can give is to get a friend whom he respects to talk to him, and in the meantime try to take care of your own health, and get therapy if you can (it saved my life). Good luck.

We moved my mom when she no longer could take care of herself to AL, then a MC…and I refused to engage in non stop complaints..Mom adjusted in time. Mom just moved to a nursing home 3 weeks ago…she is now in quite severe dementia and we again just talked about positives. People with dementia cannot make wise decisions. That is why I am the POA and in charge now. Your job is a roof over her head, a safe environment, good food and the staff to help her. We can not make them happy…step back.. Dad will adjust if allowed to. Good Luck..I am in year 6 of Lewy Body..

Ugh….so sorry. I feel I’m heading that way as well with my very stubborn father.
I hope you get some good advice here for I have none.
I know it’s easier said than done to stop helping so much. I’ve kinda done this because I’m so tired of his “calling wolf” and constantly changing his mind on many things. So hard to help someone that doesn’t want help but needs it.
Good luck and 🙏🙏

The best way to manage YOUR feelings based on HIS re-actions:

1. While he appears to have narcissistic tendencies, realize that you DO NOT need to stay in his presence and absorb his rants. Leave. Even for a few minutes. You need to reset / center yourself. Leave for an hour ...
1a. Try telling him "if you continue to xxx (scream at me as you are), I am going to leave" - if he continues, LEAVE. He may or may not 'get it' that his behavior will affect you being present with him. (He won't have anyone to rank to if you leave - more than that, he may start to feel that he wants you there because he either / and cares, loves you or is SCARED to be alone.
1b. You tell him, 'if you continue to scream at me, you will not be allowed to call me ("I will change my phone number'). He may not believe you - likely he won't as he is accustom to getting his way (with you).
- What you can do is put his number on 'mute' or go directly to voice mail - or somehow set up your phone so it doesn't ring when he calls.

2. If he is of sound mind and legally can make his own decisions, then that is your answer. If you have any legal authority to make decisions for him (since he is legally unable to make them for himself), then you do what you need to do HOWEVER ... you then:
a) do not tell him ahead of time what is going to happen as this will cause him to erupt (scream, act out). You tell him what he needs to hear to stay calm, i.e,
When at the ASSISTED LIVING facility, you tell him this is just TEMPORARY - for a few days to observe him ... make sure he is okay with the medical staff he needs now.
b) You never ever argue with him. You might say "I hear you dad" and stop.
You do not want to engage him although do give him space / 'allow' him to get out his anger / frustration.
c) You learn to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. How?

By reminding yourself that this is his stuff, his life, his pain, and that you have been subjected to his 'demeanor' for perhaps as long as you can (or can't) remember ... when you were so young that you didn't have the ability to stand up for yourself. You give that little girl compassion NOW and tell yourself, as an adult now, I deserve some peace and joy in my own life ... to be treated with respect and that means walking away from his anger in any given moment.

If you do not want to do xxx
If you've had enough
Then, take the steps to leave the situation.

You need to heal yourself.
You need to learn to be self-compassionate.
You learn that you can 'love him' from a distance and do not have to de-value yourself for him anymore.

Get into therapy. These behaviors / interactions are likely imbedded for decades into your relationship. Perhaps you have engaged out of feeling a responsibility to him as a daughter. Realize that is over and you no longer have to do as you have been.

* You learn to set limits (spend 10 minutes with him vs an hour or more).
* You visit 1-2 days a week vs 4-5 ...
* In other words, you make time FOR YOURSELF and let him be.
* You learn to set boundaries - and that it is not only okay to do that, it is essential to YOUR well being. And you matter.

Expect he will be angry and screaming at staff, etc. This is his M.O. It will - he will be worse as his health declines... let him rank as he needs to ... and YOU DO NOT TAKE it. You leave and go buy yourself a beautiful boutique of flowers ... take yourself out for nice lunch or a walk in the park ... and learn to love yourself as you so deserve.

Gena / Touch Matters

Are you able to make it clear that you no longer want to do this both to your siblings AND Dad? If you present a united front should he throw a tantrum, that will make things much easier. Your siblings will back you up, and you will be far less likely to fall back into caregiving.

I well understand how you feel about your derailed retirement. I helped my mother age in place for 10 years, and became very unhappy in the role. It finally ended two weeks ago when she moved to a retirement home in another city 5 minutes from my sister’s place. I still cannot believe that I am liberated, but it appears that my life really has changed.

I wish you freedom.

I’ve been in a similar situation except my dad has dementia which got worse after mom passed a year ago. I had to sell his house and move him to memory care. Thank goodness mom was a good saver with money to afford it. It still is stressful for me to bring dad to his appointments because he is so paranoid and says he wants to get out of “prison”. The memory care is a great place for him, clean, bright and the staff are caring and friendly. I now have more medical issues myself because of stress over the past year and half. My siblings wouldn’t help because I am POA and they are not. Jealousy. Because they left it all to me I no longer speak to them. My choice. Anyway, the facility is able to handle residents who are upset or angry with their new situation. Do your self a favor and ignore what dad says and just do it. Enjoy your retirement…I’m trying to enjoy mine.

The facility has handled people worse than your dad, you can be sure of that! Let them be in charge. Don't engage in conversation about his move to assisted living. Make sure he has meds to help him through the transition. Stop feeling responsible for his emotional state. If you weren't around, he'd already be in one. Let him go.